“I don’t know. Maybe this is a bad idea,” I say nervously in the direction of where my phone is sitting on my dresser on speakerphone.

I can hear Vaughn choking, which means trying not to laugh, when Julian responds, “This isn’t a bad idea. It’s a fantastic idea. You’re going to have such a good time. I think taking your cousin’s boyfriend’s advice and calling Valentine’s Inc. is a positive step for you.”

“Yeah, but it’s a school night, and…” I trail off.

Julian laughs. “From what you’ve told me, your friend Amy loves having Sydney spend the night.”

“Hmm… that’s true. They don’t want kids so Syd gives Amy and her girlfriend their little people fix.”

“See,” he says triumphantly.

“I don’t know, maybe. I feel naked,” I whine.

“Good grief, what are you wearing?” asks Vaughn.

I hear Julian mutter, “Not that, he took off his ring.”

A contrite sounding Vaughn then says, “Hey, Bailey?”

“Hmm?”

“You deserve this,” he says softly. “I may not have known Rick, but I know you, and he must have been a good person.”

“The best,” I mumble.

“Then, there’s no way he’d want you to be alone.”

“I’m not alone; I have Sydney.”

“You do, and I’m so happy for you. I admire you not waiting to have the perfect relationship to have the child you always wanted, but you deserve a partner to share your life with, too. Don’t you think Rick would want that for you?”

Tears start filling my eyes, and blinking rapidly isn’t holding them at bay at all. Pictures of my time with Rick flick through my mind, how vibrant he was, how happy we were, our hopes and plans… and suddenly, I know Vaughn is right. Rick loved my sparkle and I’ve let it disappear under the heavy cloak of my despair from losing him. As happy as I am with Sydney, not allowing myself to fully live is denying my daughter a part of myself, as well.

The boys sit silently on the phone as I pull myself together. “Thank you, Vaughn. I guess I needed to hear that. I’m sure someone’s said it to me over the years, but I guess now I’m finally ready to hear it.”

Julian says, “Well, considering the lust factor you’ve had going for Mr. Hottie, I’d say you’re ready to at least have sex.”

“Julian! Oh my gosh, I told you that in confidence.”

Vaughn is snickering. “Did you really think he didn’t tell me? I’ve heard all about you and your lustful cravings.” And just like that, they have me laughing and looking forward to my date tonight.

They both remain on the phone with me while I finish getting ready, but just as I’m about to hang up, Julian says, “I want to hear all about it tomorrow, Bailey. Let yourself really enjoy tonight. I’m going to go in the other room so you and Vaughn can chat for a minute. Loves ya, babe.”

“Love you, too,” I get in right before their phone is taken off speaker.

“Hey, Bay.”

“Hi, Vaughnie.”

Our teenage nicknames wrap around me like a warm blanket on a chilly fall day. We may have spent years separated, but so many of our formative years were together, so many of our firsts. Including first love.

“Listen, I’m really proud of you for taking this step tonight. I know it’s hard and I’m sure you’re feeling a little intimidated about the whole thing.”

“Vaughnie, it’s been years since I went on a first date. And I’ve only been in love twice; you and then Rick. I’m terrified about what I’m opening myself up to.”

“I know, I know. And that’s why I wanted to talk to you for just a minute. When we broke up right before college, it was the most devastating pain I’d ever experienced.”

“I’m so sorry. I really—”

He cuts me off, “No, you were right. We needed to stretch our wings. And while my next relationship was one tragedy after another, you found a deep and abiding love.”

Moisture begins to pool in my eyes again, so I grab my phone off the dresser, take it off speaker and put it to me ear as I go sit at the head of my bed and grab a Kleenex. “It was. It was beautiful.”

“So Rick may have died too young, but he had that with you, Bailey. He had that great, epic love that you were always talking about. Right?” Sniffling, I nod. He can’t see me, but he knows. “Let me ask you a question?”

“Yeah?” I reply softly.

“When Sydney was born, how did you feel?”

“Like I was going to explode. She had the sweetest little tuft of red curls right on top of her head. She was… everything.”

“That’s what I’m getting at, Bay. Of all the people I’ve ever known, you have so much love to give. When I needed you, after years of ignoring you and you going through the hardest time in your life, you were still there for me.”

Now I interrupt him. “Vaughnie, stop feeling guilty about that. You didn’t know.”

“I realize that, I do. But my point is, you still helped me find my way back home. And being home led me to Julian. Then when I started dating Julian, what did you do? As soon as you heard his story, you wanted to meet him. You guys talked on the phone once with me, and the next thing I know, you’d exchanged phone numbers and you were talking all the time. You two spent more time together when you came home for Christmas than I even spent with you.” We both laugh quietly; it’s true. Julian and I had an immediate connection, and he really enjoyed spending time with Sydney. Her presence was a soothing balm to his soul during an episode that could have led to a full-blown anxiety attack.

“We consider you one of our best friends, Bay. The only thing I hate about you dating right now is that you may find the one; the one who’s worthy of all that you bring to the table, someone who appreciates your capacity to love, and then you definitely won’t ever move home where you’re near us.”

“Dammit, you have to stop.” The tears are flowing in streams down either side of my face. “I’m going to look ridiculous for this date tonight. My eyes are going to be all puffy, and gah! I love you so much. Both of you.”

“We love you, too. But I know exactly what you should do for your face.”

“Oh yeah?” I manage to get out as I’m pulling in deep breaths to get myself under control.

“When’s the last time you put on a bit of makeup?” His tone is gentle again, and I hesitate before answering him.

“Um, it’s been a while, but I did actually… well, I saw this new makeup line when I was online one night when I couldn’t sleep, and… I ordered it.”

“Good for you. That’s great, Bay. That’s really good. So why don’t you think about wearing some? You always loved putting it on, and whenever you did that whatever around your eyes, the green of your eyeballs really popped.”

“They did, didn’t they?” I giggle, feeling giddy now that I’m even thinking about applying makeup for my date.

“After our first video chat, you told me you quit wearing makeup because you were home all day, therefore, there was no reason to. But I didn’t see you wear it once while you were home for Christmas, either. I’m not saying you have to do it tonight, but think about it going forward. Who’s Bailey? And what does Bailey want Sydney to know about her father? Can you do that for me?”

“Yeah, Vaughnie. I can. Thank you,” I whisper. We exchange goodbyes before hanging up the phone.

My hands are shaking as I get out of my car at La Mensa. After filling out the dating profile and answering the questionnaire, Valentine’s Inc. arranged the whole date. They told me all I have to do is show up, and I’ll be seated with my date. I’m not usually late for anything, preferring to be a few minutes early, but after my conversation with Vaughn, I decided to go for it. Once I pulled the makeup out and put some concealer under my eye, it led to trying a feathering technique with the beautiful periwinkle that came in the eye shadow palette I bought, which led to a little eyeliner, and then I had to apply lip gloss to pull the whole thing together. When I stood in front of my full-length mirror to admire my handiwork, my clothes looked all wrong, so I had to change them, as well.

Approaching the front door of the restaurant, I rub my hands down my brown peacoat one last time to smooth any wrinkles, or possibly to wipe off my sweaty palms. The door swings open in front of me, startling me and I jump a bit. The couple leaving give me a friendly nod as they pass into the cool night air. “Okay, I can do this,” I mutter to myself while leaving my coat in the little closet. The hostess is a sweet girl with a bright, cheery smile who compliments my face, helping to ease my anxiety, as we approach my table. I’m so focused on her I don’t notice the man sitting there until we’re right next to him.

It’s Mr. Hottie, I mean Clark. It’s Todd’s dad. His eyes light up for a brief instant before going dark and his whole face puckers like he smells something foul. Our hostess is so concentrated on me that she doesn’t even notice as she politely tells us to enjoy our meal and walks away.

Summoning all of my courage, I ask, “Is this not okay? You don’t look very happy to see it’s me.”

Angrily he asks, “So you’re my date? You actually signed up with Valentine’s Inc.?”

The vein pulsing in the side of his neck and in his right temple leave no question as to how furious he is. “Um. Yes.”

“That’s just great,” he mutters while throwing his napkin on the table as he stands up.

Going with what seems to be the obvious answer, I say, “I guess you’re not gay, then. The agency must have made a mistake.” He stops mid-motion of thrusting his chair under the table with an incredulous expression on his face. “Okay, you’re definitely not gay.” Now I’m starting to feel annoyed. It’s not like this is my fault; he doesn’t have to be so horribly rude.

“I’m bi, not that it’s any of your concern since you don’t really need to know, considering.”

As he goes to brush by me to leave, I reflexively grab his forearm. “What on earth are you talking about?” I speak in a low voice. The tables are set-up for privacy, but Clark’s jerky movements and raised voice is starting to attract an audience.

Without looking at me, he grinds out, “The fact you’re married. Here I thought you were such a nice guy, and I was disappointed that you were taken, and it turns out you’re a real ass.” A giggle immediately slips through my lips even as I tighten my hand on his arm so he can’t leave without physically shaking me off. Clark turns toward me, and I can see him grinding his teeth. “Unbelievable.” He throws the arm I’m not clutching into the air. “You think this is funny?”

“N… n… no,” I finally stutter out. “I think it’s admirable that you would get upset and belligerent on behalf of a spouse you don’t even know. It proves to me that you’re exactly the kind of man I’ve thought you are.”

Some of his hostility seems to diminish as he asks, “What does that mean exactly?”

“It means I’m not married. My fiancé died before I even had Sydney. I… well, this is the first time I’ve tried dating since then.”

“Oh, Bailey.” Now he raises his arms to clutch mine. “I’m so sorry. I saw the ring and I just assumed. And then when I saw the hostess walking you back I thought maybe you were here with your wife and just wanted to say hi, and that’s when I noticed you didn’t have the ring on, and…” Sighing, he scrubs one hand across his face, peeking out between his fingers and mumbling, “Sorry. Can we start again?”

Nodding, I say, “Please.”

Clark lets me go, takes a step back and holds out his right hand to shake. “Bailey, I can’t believe Valentine’s Inc. set us up for a date. I’ve had such a crush on you since the school year started. This is beyond what I could’ve imagined.”

Having taken his hand in mine, I continue to hold it while I ask, “Since the beginning of the year, really?” When he nods, I feel my skin heating so I’m sure my face resembles my hair, but I don’t care. His declaration has me ready to dance a little jig. “I have to say, Clark, I’m glad it’s you, as well. I have also had a crush on you since the beginning of the year. Since I saw you at the pre-registration to tell the truth.”

A slow smile takes over his face, and his eyes crinkle in the corners as he says, “Shall we?” Then he lets my hand go to stand behind the chair that was across from the one he vacated and pulls it out for me. “Bailey.”

“Thank you, kind sir.”