I watched him from afar, the way his hands slid into his pockets, to the way his lips formed a perfectly straight line as he listened. Orion was always the same, so devastatingly beautiful. It hurt to see him, to know he was living while I was barely surviving. Even years onward, it hurt like it had only just happened, as if he’d walked up to me, stuck his hand inside my chest and ripped my heart out, dropping it to the floor without a care in the world.
Orion hadn’t seen me yet, and I was thankful for small mercies. I didn’t know what I’d do if he saw me right now. Would I look the other way? Would I be lost in those eyes as I have been so many times before?
I look away for a brief moment to my brother whose function this is, and wonder if he knew. Did my brother know Orion would be here? I don’t think he did, but who knows. I would like to think he wouldn’t have invited me to here if he did.
He wouldn’t have, would he?
Sebastian stands, smiling at the group of people surrounding him. He’s always been a smiley, happy person, that’s just who my brother is. He looks at the world with such awe, it’s sometimes too much to be around him. It hurt to know that I couldn’t look at everything the way he did. Even when it came to love, even when my heart was in tatters all over the ground, he didn’t look at it the way I did—like my life was over. Sebastian would have picked my heart up and placed it back into my chest where it belonged like nothing had ever happened, if he had half a chance.
My eyes turn straight back to Orion. His posture unmoved. Did I expect it to? No. I expected him to stay exactly the same, never moving, unless it’s away from me.
Shaking my head, I look down to my hands. They sit in my lap with a ring on my left hand, one that’s squeezing my finger so tight as I look at the massive diamond.
How does Orion affect me so?
How can he still hold my heart, because he doesn’t deserve it? I want it back. I want to give it to Roan, he’s the one who deserves it. I think about where exactly I would be if it didn’t happen, if he didn’t reach into my chest and tear my heart out. Would we have kids? Would we be insatiable? Yes, I believe that more than anything. Orion and I could never keep our hands to ourselves. We were like glue, until we weren’t.
“Baby,” Roan’s hand lands on my shoulder and my eyes lift to his as he stands handsomely in front of me. Looking him over, I know why the women at his office don’t like me. He’s a successful lawyer, and he was a staunch bachelor, a playboy, until me.
I want to tell you it was my master plan to suck him into my clutches and never let him escape. That my heart only beats for the man whose ring is lustrously shining on my finger, but that would be a lie. A complete and utter fabrication.
Roan’s strong hand reaches for my hand, the one with his diamond on it, and he pulls me to him. His beautiful hair, long enough for me to run my fingers through, is sitting on his shoulders. It’s always beautifully styled. I used to think he spent hours blow-drying it, to obtain that perfect look. As it turns out, he’s just fortunate and does very little to maintain that gorgeous appearance.
My right hand touches his chest as he pulls me closer. I can feel every inch of him and it’s hard, just the way I like it, or used to, I’m not sure which. Roan’s hazel eyes sparkle when he stares down at me.
Lies, Lies. It’s all I can hear when he whispers in my ear that he loves me, and when I repeat it back. More lies.
I’m not immune to Roan. If I’d met him first, things may have been different. I wouldn’t be standing here in the arms of a man that loves me, trying my hardest to not look at the man that I do love. Roan’s hands run down the center of my back comforting me. He knows I don’t like these gatherings—social functions—it’s not what I want to do. But Roan and my brother Sebastian work together, and because it’s their work function, I need to support both of the men in my life the best I can.
“Not much longer, love.” Roan’s words are soft as he whispers them into my hair. He knows me, but only parts of me. Why can’t I love Roan the way he loves me? It makes me want to tear into my chest and squish with both hands. It’s not fair.
“I’m fine.” The lie drips from my tongue, and he pulls back to look into my eyes.
“You hate it. That’s why you haven’t moved.” Someone calls his name. Roan looks over his shoulder and nods his head. Leaning in, he kisses me softly on my forehead before tells me he’ll be back. I watch as he walks off.
I wonder if I should just leave. Maybe I could sneak out and tell him later that I felt sick. Then I sit back down, ignoring that thought because I’m trying to be supportive. Maybe I’m trying to make up for my lack of love, by convincing myself I have to do certain things I’d never usually do. Like stay somewhere I hate.
A waiter stops and hands me a glass of champagne. I take a sip then look back to where Orion was standing. My eyes can’t help themselves, they must see him again. Even if they know they shouldn’t. Standing where he was is the same group of people, yet he isn’t there anymore.
“Looking for someone, Lotus?” A shiver breaks over my skin, my eyes become large and locked open. I can’t seem to blink. My every thought goes blank.
His words.
How I’ve missed that voice. It’s so hard, edgy, yet captivating.
He’s behind me, that much I know by the direction of the sound.
“No…” I sound almost weak, like that day, that very awful day everything went wrong. And now he’s here, standing so close to me that I can smell him. Yet, I still cannot see him because I don’t have the courage to turn around just yet. He moves, and now I feel his breath on the back of my neck. Goosebumps traverse my skin in rivers, prickling like a million tiny, cold pinpricks needling my arms.
“Does he know about me, Lotus?”
I turn fast, locking eyes with him, my heart takes over as I gaze over his perfect features. His chiseled jawline, so strong and defined, to his lips, full and alluring.
He can’t be this close, it’s not good for me.
“Who?”
His eyes leave me as they search the room, and when he finds what he’s looking for, he smirks and doesn’t look back. I fight taking my eyes off him to look where he’s staring, and when I do, I see Roan, my perfect fiancé who’s currently talking to his business partners as well as Sebastian. Looking back to Orion, the glass in my hand feels as if it will smash any second if I squeeze the slightest bit harder. He’s slow when he lifts his eyes from Roan to come to me. Orion looks me dead in the eyes then to my lips. He always went for my lips. I always knew what he wanted when he did that, but not this time.
“It’s been a long time, Lotus.”
I simply nod my head because it’s been too long. Yet, he’s standing in front of me, making it feel like only yesterday when I saw him last.
My heart.
It hurts.
“Orion.” His name feels hard leaving my lips, and my voice sounds breathless as it does. His name not fully coming out as one single word, it sounded more like two syllables. His eyes drop, his eyelashes fan over his face, and he looks back up, then nods to my hands.
“Does he make you happy, Lotus? Unlike I ever could.”
I want to claw his eyes out. I want to punch him right in the face. He can tell I’m getting angry because my lips form a straight line, and I bite my lips together trying to hold everything in.
He broke my heart.
I was happy, until I wasn’t.
“He does.”
He nods, turning his head again. I watch his neck move, remembering how many times my tongue used to trail that road all the way to his mouth, and the way it tasted was unlike anything I’ve experienced since.
“It was good seeing you again, Lotus.” He leans in, his smell consumes and suffocates me at the same time as his lips touch my skin. It’s soft, everything that Orion is not. He lingers longer than necessary, my breath hitches, and I want to turn my face to touch his lips. Yet, I stay still, as unmoving as possible. My eyes close as he lifts his lips from my skin, leaving a tingle in its wake. It always has, and he knows this. He’s doing it on purpose, I’m sure of it.
“Till we meet again.”
Opening my eyes, I’m met with his back as I watch him walk away. My eyes linger, watching where he went long after he’s gone.
Roan returns and places his hand on my shoulder, shocking me. “You okay?” His voice has flecks of concern laced through the tone.
Now I feel guilty.
For what?
I’m not sure I’ve done anything wrong.
But the guilt is there anyway.
Turning to face Roan, he lifts my chin with his fingers and leans down to touch my lips with his. His smell is different, it’s not the same smell that makes me go weak at my knees.
“I’m fine, just tired.”
He stands up, looks around, and nods his head at something before he talks to me again. “Let’s get out of here. I feel the need to have my hands all over you.”
I smirk when he helps me up. Sex between us has never been an issue. He does the job, and he does it well. I would never say no to Roan’s hands and lips roaming my body, it’s just a pity he doesn’t roam my heart as well. No matter how hard I try to let him in, there’s a lock I can’t seem to dislodge for him. Someone else has the damn key.
“I like the sound of that.” My hand goes to his chest, and he laughs with his lips closed while shaking his head.
“You, my love, just want to leave.”
I do. I so, so, do.
We walk out hand-in-hand to our car. The driver gets out and ushers us into the Aston Martin while people look at us. I wonder what they see. Do they see the mask that I wear? Some say they’re jealous, or our relationship looks perfect. Hell, it almost is near perfect. How could it not be? Roan is what every woman wants. He’s successful, brutally handsome and he can make me scream in bed. There are so many things, and I have them all. Yet, I yearn for something that I shouldn’t, even after years, even when I shouldn’t.
Roan’s hand stays on my thigh as he attends to his cell on the way back. His work never ends, and sometimes it’s too much for me to bear. But asking him to slow down for me would feel wrong, like I’m asking for too much of something that I shouldn’t.
Arriving at our apartment, we take the elevator to the top floor—the penthouse, which is ours, or should I say, his.
He taps on his cell a few more times before he pockets it completely, turning toward me. His hands go to my hips, his lips to my hair as he pulls me in. “Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?”
I nod against his chest. Roan always does, his words are always right, never mean, always kind. Pulling back, I look up to him. Staring into his caring eyes, I tell him with my eyes that I want to love him like no other. It doesn’t last long with him holding me, it never does. Instead, Roan picks me up so my legs wrap around his waist, and carries me to our bed.
And with each step, my mind plays tricks on me.
He looked at you.
He touched you.
You liked it.
Orion is like a disease, one I need to see a doctor about for diagnosis and treatment. I need to rid his existence from my life and take my new medication, my fiancé.
The thing is, it’s not that easy.
Because we started so explosively, so dramatically, that I’m afraid no one can replace him.
No matter how hard I try.