Chapter 41 - Valerie
I watch as that woman tosses a grenade at our table and then casually struts out the door. My mind is moving at a hundred miles an hour. Stripper!? Couldn’t keep his hands to himself!? I look across the table at the man on the other side and realise I know absolutely nothing about him.
For the second time today I feel like an absolute fool. I’ve let myself be carried away by my own emotion and I’ve put myself in this position. Here I am, completely infatuated with a man who has not only evidently slept with half of New York, but who just tells me what I want to hear to get between my legs.
Hot pangs of jealousy shoot through me. My cheeks are burning and my heart feels completely hollow. How could I do this to myself. I knew this morning, after I learned he’d slept with my best friend that I should just forget about him. I should have just listened to myself. Emma was probably just feeling sorry for me and telling me to talk to him to make me feel better.
I should never have wasted my time with him, and I definitely should have walked away when I had the chance. Who do I think I am, having a fling with a hot doctor?! Of course he’s running around with every girl he can. I can’t believe I let him in when he showed up at my door this afternoon. My cheeks burn when I think about our sex this afternoon, about the intimacy of the shower. I’m an idiot.
The woman’s words are playing on repeat in my head. They were together. They broke up because he couldn’t keep his hands to himself. He was saying it’s not true but of course he would say that. We’ve just spent the past couple weeks spending every possible moment together and he somehow forgot to mention he used to be a STRIPPER??
I don’t exactly have a problem with it, a part of me might even be turned on by the thought. But as I look at him across the table from me I can’t help but feel like I’ve been lied to. I’ve been played. I don’t know anything about him and I’ve opened up to him completely.
“Val, I can explain. She was lying.”
“Did you used to be a stripper?”
He pauses, his eyes burning into me. He opens his mouth and answers slowly. “Yes, it’s what put me through medical school.”
“And when we were talking about our pasts, you didn’t think that was worth mentioning?”
“I…”
I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear his explanation, his excuse, his way of weaselling his way back into my bed. My bed. I’ve let myself get carried away by the promise of the orgasms I’ve so desperately wanted for so many years.
He couldn’t even tell me that he dated a girl before! All he’s ever told me is that he had a “rule” to not date women long term to focus on his career, and that he was “breaking” that rule for me. What a load of horseshit. I can’t believe I’ve been so blind.
I stand up and shake my head.
“I can’t do this, Clay.”
“Val, wait!” His eyes are pleading, his arms raised in supplication towards me. “I can explain, just give me a second.”
“I don’t want to hear any more of your explanations!” People in the restaurant are staring at us and for once I don’t give a shit. “All you’ve done since this morning is backpedal and explain and wheel and deal your way back into my heart. Well we’re done. You’re done.”
His dark eyes are brimming with tears, boring through me like lasers. It’s all an act. I don’t know why he bothers. He could have any girl he chooses, why go through all this trouble with me.
I look at him one more time, from head to toe. His t-shirt is tight across his muscled chest, forearms strong and vascular. His neck is red, veins popping out in anger. I can see his pulse in them, pumping his blood at a fast pace. Chiseled jaw with a bit of stubble and those eyes that have captivated me since I walked into his office.
Not anymore.
No orgasm is worth this amount of hurt.
I follow in the other woman’s footsteps and stumble out the door. It’s all I can do to make it to my apartment before I break down. Hot tears of lava stream down my face, burning trails down my cheeks.
I opened up to him, gave myself up to him in body, mind… and heart. Now I realise none of it was real. He’s an expert at telling me what I want to hear. I must have been amusing to him, the girl who can’t come who’s now completely infatuated with him. God, I feel like an idiot.
With the door closed and locked behind me I crumple onto the floor. Once again I’m in my apartment, destroyed. My arms and legs feel weak, I’m dizzy with pain. The blurry outlines of my furniture are barely visible through my tear-filled eyes and I can’t help but cry even harder. My heart is shattered and I sit on the floor as I try to understand what just happened.
Emma was right to walk away from him this morning, to call him a user. He’s played me and now he’ll move onto the next girl and play her too. He’ll go on “breaking his rules” whenever he wants to get in someone’s bed.
Deep breaths. I need to calm down.
One thing is for sure, it won’t be my bed.
That thought doesn’t make me feel better, it might even be making me feel worse. The searing pain in my chest isn’t subsiding, I can’t move from my spot on the floor. I was falling for him and now it’s like the curtain has been lifted. He’s been like a drug to me, waltzing into my life and sweeping me off my feet, showing me pleasure like I’ve never experienced.
Sobs rake through my body, making my shoulders shake as the tears fall from my eyes. I should have known I didn’t deserve to feel that kind of happiness.