Chapter Four
The gig came around fast and I met up with the group, The White Roses, not long after my shift was done that first day I got accepted. We practiced hard, and it felt good to have callouses on my hands again- I rubbed my fingertips together as I lay in bed the night before the gig and smiled to myself. Well, at least something good had come out of this whole Darius situation.
My heart ached a little bit when I thought of him, and I wondered if I’d made the right choice in not contacting him since that inadvertent kiss we’d shared outside of work. We hadn’t been sharing any shifts together, so I actually hadn’t laid eyes on him since that day. I had been worried that he might try and get in contact with me, that he might get offended at my ghosting him, but I hadn’t heard a word.
I wondered if he was going through the same thing I was. Maybe he’d walked away from that encounter and gone through the exact same thought process, convincing himself that we had gone too far and that it would be best for us if we took a step back and let things cool off for a while.
The silence on both our ends seemed to indicate that we’d come to the same conclusion- that this was best left untouched, a reminder that sometimes it was all too easy to slip into routines that were far from casual with someone far from appropriate.
Even though I was disappointed about the way things had turned out with Darius, I at least had something to keep my mind off of it. The gig was tomorrow night, and I had booked the evening off work in preparation. Nina was coming out to see me, and I couldn’t wait to be back up on the stage again. How long had it been? In months? I couldn’t even count anymore, and didn’t want to- I was too excited about getting what felt like another shot at a dream I’d long ago put on the back burner and forgotten about.
My bass had dust on it when I heaved it out of the closet to take down to the rehearsal space, that’s how long it had been since I trusted myself to play. Every time I’d even glanced at one of my instruments, it would have felt like taunting myself to actually pick one up and play it knowing that I would probably never do so for an audience again.
But now, here I was- back on the trail again. I did my best to shake the feeling that I would just be traipsing down another path that led to inevitable disappointment, and pulled myself out of bed the next morning with a giant, goofy smile on my face.
We were heading along to the club where we were playing early, to get our sound checks down and give ourselves time to go over the set list one last time. I dressed quickly, trying to match my style to the preppy-hipster look I’d seen them all sporting in their live performances when I’d searched them online.
Then I grabbed my bass, and headed out the door. Nerves danced through my veins, and I did my best to ignore the fact that I would be getting up in front of an audience in less than nine hours with a band I’d never played live with before.
“Hey!” The guitarist, Sheena, was smoking a cigarette outside the venue when I arrived. She quickly tossed it aside and reached out to help me with my bass. “You look nice.”
“Thanks,” I said, glancing down at my clothes- I had settled on a smart pair of tailored pants matched with a slouchy retro movie shirt and minimal jewelry. I thought I looked pretty cute.
“How are you feeling? You nervous?” She held the door open for me and ushered me in.
“Uh, yeah, a little,” I shrugged. “How many people do you normally get at gigs like this?”
“A few hundred,” she replied. “Not many.”
A few hundred? I tripped up over the number in my head. When it came to shows like this, the most I’d played for was maybe a hundred and fifty, and that was just because we were the warm-up act for a much bigger group. The thought of playing for a packed-out room, that was enough to send my nerves off into overdrive once again.
We made our way backstage, and I found the rest of the band -- Taylor, Anna, and Joy lounging in one of the dressing rooms. They all seemed so relaxed and in-control, whereas I felt as though I might be found out at any minute and asked to leave, exposed as the barely-professional musician that I was. They all glanced up when I entered the room, and Taylor got to his feet and clapped his hands together.
“So,” he glanced around the room as everyone else got to their feet, stretching and yawning and sighing. “Sounds check?”
The rest of the day went so fast I could barely keep track of it- the sound check, the rehearsals, a break for dinner and drinks and then- we were due on. We were the main attraction that evening, and I sat in the dressing room and listened to the warm-up group finishing up. They were good-really good, in fact. I had found myself tapping my fingers on the windowsill in time with almost every one of their songs. Jesus, I hope no-one rumbled me tonight. I didn’t know why it sprung into my mind, but I suddenly convinced myself that everyone would see me for what I was, a replacement, a stand-in, nothing more than a poor imitation.
“Hey!” Joy waved her hand in front of my face, snapping me out of my reverie and bringing me back to the real world. The cheer of the crowd was leaking through the walls as the support group finished up their act. It was time for us to go on.
“Uh, sorry,” I muttered, and reached for my bass, looping the strap over my shoulders. The weight of it against my hips was comforting, and I gripped the neck and let the rest of them lead me out into the hall and then towards the stage beyond. Lights were pulsing just past the curtains, and the crowd was murmuring with anticipation. God, don’t let me fuck any of this up, I prayed to myself silently, my hands tightening around the wood of the bass. I needed this. The universe had been intent on dicking me over the last few weeks, so I at least deserved this to go well.
And there it was -- all of a sudden, I was on the stage, clutching the bass to me as though it would protect me from the roaring crowd in front of me. The lights were blinding and pouring down straight into my eyes, enough that I could barely make out the figures in front of me. I could tell there were at least two hundred people crammed onto the club floor, all of them yelling with excitement at our arrival. I’d never had a reaction like this with any of the bands I’d played for, and before I knew it, adrenalin had taken over, and it swept me through the rest of the show.
I did it- I fucking did it, even though the entryway through my brain was screeching with panic and nerves and worry that I was going to slip and miss a note and then the bass was going to catch fire or some shit. But I didn’t, and it didn’t, and before I knew it the gig was almost done- we were finishing up on our last song, a minor hit that had broken into the top one-hundred the year before.
Everyone was singing along, and I could hardly believe that I was actually onstage for something like this instead of standing in the audience, having a great time and trying to convince myself that I wasn’t insanely jealous of everyone up on stage.
And that, of course, is when I saw him.
I wasn’t sure what drew my eye to Darius, standing in the audience like that- I hadn’t been able to pick out anyone in particular since I’d walked out of the wings. The lights were pulsing in time with the music, blue, red, pink and purple, and that was distracting enough without squinting into the crowd to pick out specific people. But all of a sudden, as we hit the first chorus, my eyes focused in on him and my heart bounced up in my chest.
For a moment, my fingers froze on the frets on the guitar, and I had to remind myself where I was and what I was doing. If I fucked this up because of some guy, I would never forgive myself. I forced myself to drag my eyes away from him and focus on playing, determined to hit the last few notes and get this shit done.
Before I knew it, the song was over, and we were bidding our goodbyes to the crowd before vanishing back into the wings. My heart was still beating in my chest as I made my way back to the dressing room, my hands shaking slightly- and I couldn’t help but wonder whether this was about the gig or about Darius.
I knew he had seen me- he had been staring at me, and I wondered how long it had been since he’d taken his eyes from me. What was he doing here in the first place? That was the question. I mean, I knew he knew of the band through some of his friends, but was he close enough with them to come out to one of their gigs for support? It wasn’t like they needed to sell the pity-tickets anyway, the place would have been packed even if not one of their friends had bothered to make the effort that evening. So, was he here just because he liked the music? Or was it something to do with me?
“That was awesome,” Joy sighed, twirling her drumsticks deftly between her fingers. “Been a long time since we played a gig that good.”
“Yeah,” Taylor nodded, and he sneaked a look up at me. “What did you think?”
“Uh, it was…um. Amazing,” I managed at last. I was having trouble keeping myself straight -- the hair on the back of my neck was still standing up, and the blood was rushing around my head.
“You ever played to an audience that big before?” He asked, a cocky grin on his face. I finally met his gaze, my eyes focusing at last. I could still see the shape of the lights imprinted in the corners of my vision; and Darius’s face, his expression unreadable as he stood there in the crowd, swaying to the music.
“Never,” I admitted. “I was pretty nervous.”
“Well, you did great,” Joy assured me, cracking a beer and handing it to me. I took it gratefully, feeling like a bit of alcohol would take the edge off my prickling nervousness. For some reason, it was as though the panic that I should have had before the gig was finally catching up with me now. Or maybe it was just the knowledge that Darius was here somewhere, and that he might be here just to see me.
“Thanks,” I sighed happily, plastering a smile on my face and raising my bottle to the rest of the room. “And thanks for having me. Looking forward to the next one!”
We drank for a little bit, all of us unwinding as the crowd dispersed outside. I had assumed the group would head out to mingle with everyone, but they seemed all too happy to enjoy some peace and quiet. People after my own heart.
“You want a lift home?” Taylor asked as we finished up our drinks. I shook my head and went to zip up my bass, heaving it over my shoulder.
“I think I’ll walk,” I replied. “It’s not too far.”
“If you’re sure,” he shrugged. “Just let us know when you’re back, okay.”
“I will,” I nodded. As I stepped out of the dressing room and went to cut through the bar area to get out, I felt a few eyes on me. It was a weird sensation, knowing that people were paying attention to me. Usually, whenever I caught people looking at me, I would assume that it was because I looked like an ass or was acting like a dick without even being aware of it. Here, I was notable.
I saw a couple of guys eyeing me suggestively, but I didn’t give a shit. I was high off my own success after tonight, and I didn’t need the validation of any hipster dude to make me feel any better about myself.
Though I could do with one guy in particular. I looked around to see if Darius was kicking around, but there was no sign of him. I found myself a little disappointed. Even though I had promised myself that I would back off, and that him being here should have been off-putting, if it had been anything, the look on his face was burned into my mind. Why had he been here? I had to know. But if I contacted him, I would break the promise I made to myself to actually hold myself to a promise I made in my own head.
The night was warm and busy, and I found myself winding in and out of the late-night crowds as I headed home. Surrounding myself with people seemed to be the best way to keep my mind off Darius, as I let myself get lost in little daydreams about what they were all up to. Soon enough, I found myself outside my apartment, and climbed the stairs exhaustedly before unhooking my bass and flopping into bed.
I reached for my phone, which I had left on my bedside cabinet that morning. I had figured that if work suddenly decided they needed me in at the last minute, then if I didn’t have my phone with me I couldn’t feel guilty about dropping them. I checked my messages, and felt a small wave of relief when I saw that I didn’t have anything from them.
There was another message, though -- one from Nina, apologizing and letting me know that she couldn’t make it out (I was hardly surprised- I hadn’t seen her anywhere, and knew she would have found a way to get herself backstage if she was.) She promised to come to the next one, however, and I raised my eyebrows slightly cynically and replied that it had gone well), and saw one from Darius. It had arrived maybe a half-hour before I got home, and I hovered my finger over it for a few seconds before I opened it.
I should have just deleted it there and then, got rid of him once and for all. Yeah, he’d come out to support me when no-one else had, but that didn’t mean that I had to suddenly go back on everything I’d promised to myself.
Who was I kidding? Curiosity got the better of me, and I tapped the message to open it.
“You were amazing tonight,” the message read- followed by a single kiss. I stared at it for a moment, something in my chest swelling in response to his thoughtful text. Was this his way of trying to get back into my life? It had only been a week, after all. Why shouldn’t he reach out after something as big as this for me? I stared at the words, long enough that the letters started to dance around in front of my eyes. And then, before I had a chance to think any of it through, I replied.
“Come over?”
I followed it with my address, and pressed send. I didn’t want to talk myself out of this. It was one of the best nights of my professional life to date-- I knew that this was probably going to make things a hell of a lot more complicated in the long run, but I had to take a chance on him. I had to see if I could match the success with my music with my success with my lover.
With Darius. I said his name aloud, letting the word trip off my tongue. Had I been too quick to jump back, to run away from what we had? Did I even really know what I wanted from him? I had no idea what the answer was to those questions, but, after a couple of beers and the searing adrenalin of appearing on stage once again, I needed something to burn off my excess energy. I needed someone to celebrate with. I needed him.
I didn’t get a reply, and I assumed that he had already headed off to bed, or maybe to work to help with the close-up. I was just about to hop in a shower and go to bed when I heard the buzzer go; I froze, stark naked, my clothes piled up on the floor next to me. A dirty little thought skittered through my head, and a little smile flicked up the corners of my mouth. I sashayed over to the intercom, and tapped the button.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” Darius’s voice put goose bumps all up and down my arms- and other parts of my naked body.
“Come on up,” I replied, pressing the button that unlocked the door and listening to his footsteps as he made his way up the steps towards my apartment. I took a deep breath as I heard him pause only a few inches from my door, and, in a rush of bravery, pulled it open.
His jaw dropped when he laid his eyes on me- his gaze swept up and down my body, and I felt myself heat up beneath his scrutiny.
“Fucking hell,” he growled and stepped over the threshold, kicking the door shut and pulling me into his arms. His mouth found mine at once, and he pushed his tongue past my lips, kissing me harder than he ever had before. I could already feel him growing hard against my bare leg as his hands travelled all over my body.
He settled on my ass and sunk his fingers in, gripping and groping at my flesh. I groaned, and he spun me around and pressed me against the door, taking my hands and pinning them above my head. He grabbed my leg and pulled it up and around his waist, his strength allowing him to move me like I was nothing more than a paper doll. I loved it, feeling completely in his control. But tonight, I wanted to be in charge.
I tightened my leg around him and drew him closer to me, slipping my arms out of his grasp and gripping his head. I pulled him closer, enjoying the feeling of his clothed body against my naked skin; it was an intoxicating sensation, the promise of something more always lingering. His hard-on was growing against my leg, and I moved my hips so I could press my pussy against him through his jeans.
He groaned- no, growled- and caught my hair to pull it back so he could kiss me even deeper. The pulse of pleasure and pain that passed over my scalp seemed to send me to some whole new dimension, my body reacting to him, to every caress and touch and flick of his tongue. I wanted to drive him as crazy as he drove me and I had a feeling I knew how to.
I dropped to my knees, and began to fumble with his jeans- I was so turned-on that my hands were shaking slightly, and I had some trouble getting a grip on his pants. But soon enough, I was able to yank them down, and finally, I got my hands on his gorgeous cock.
It had been just over a week since we had last fucked, but I hadn’t realized just how much I missed him until I had his dick in my hand. Call me an old romantic, I guess. I gripped the base and looked up at him, enjoying the expression on his face that told me he was hornier than he’d ever been with me. I ran my hand across my breast, pinching the nipple so it hardened beneath my fingers. I loved this, putting on a show for him, knowing that I turned him on as much as he did me was one of the most erotic things I’d ever encountered in my life.
His brow tightened as he watched my hand move across my body, parting my thighs and dipping into my already-soaked pussy. He was completely in my thrall, and I didn’t quite know what to do with him now that I had him like this. His cock twitched in my hand, as though reminding me that it was still there, and I parted my lips and slowly lowered my mouth down to his erection.
I flicked my tongue out against his head a couple of times, the salty taste of his precum hot on my tongue. He gasped and pressed his hands against the door, as if it was all he could do not to keel over right there and then. I slowly slipped my mouth down, taking as much of him in my mouth as I could handle- I covered the rest of the distance with my hand, and began to slide up and down his cock, building a slow, lazy pace that pushed his breath a little faster from his lungs.
I opened my eyes and looked up at him, holding myself still on him for a second or two while he watched me. His gaze was greedy, taking in every inch of me that he could. Scanning across my breasts and down my back and to the floor where my legs were stretched out below him.
I began to move again, pulling my head back so that his cock left my mouth with a small popping sound. I ran my tongue down the underside, finding the seam and kissing it lightly, and brought my mouth down to his balls; I parted my lips and sucked them into my mouth one at a time, flicking my tongue over his wrinkled skin. His hands fisted above me, and I knew I was doing something right. I slid my hand between my legs again -- this time, not for show, but because my pussy was aching for relief.
I drew a few small circles around my clit, letting out a breath against his cock as my fingers went to work. Before I could get too comfortable, Darius leaned down, tucked his hands beneath my arms, and pulled me upright again. He grabbed my fingers and pulled them to his mouth, sucking and licking greedily- I stared at him, mouth slightly open, as he trailed his teeth over the pads of my fingers. My chest was heaving, and I knew I needed him. I couldn’t wait any longer.
“Shall we go to the bedroom…?” I suggested, but he shook his head. I frowned; was he having second thoughts?
“I want you right here,” he murmured, and pulled a condom from his shirt pocket, opening it and quickly sheathing himself. He grabbed my ass and lifted me off the ground, backing me into the door; I wrapped my legs around him without thinking, moving on instinct, doing whatever I could to bring him closer. I needed him inside me, more than I’d ever needed anything before in my life. His strong arms held me up as he thrust himself into me, and I gripped him as best I could as we finally began to fuck.
The wood of the door was hard against my back, but I couldn’t have given less of a damn- I just wanted him, harder faster, deeper. I tightened my legs around him, pulling him further into me, and kissed his neck lightly.
“Fuck,” he groaned, his voice laced with pleasure as he fucked me furiously. This wasn’t making love; this wasn’t even the dirty, lazy screwing we’d gotten down to since we agreed to be friends-with-benefits. This was fucking, fast, furious, hard, and desperate, as though we might never get the chance to do any of it again.
Everything that had happened that day seemed to have built up inside of me, and I found myself so close -- my hands grabbing for him, my mouth on him in whatever way I could manage. I ran my teeth against his ear, and his hands dug deep into my ass as he held me up. I could see the muscles flexing his arms, and ran my fingers down them lightly and suddenly, all at once, it happened.
When we came, it seemed to happen in the same moment- he thrust inside me hard, one last time, as my pussy began to clench around him. Neither of us made a noise, the only sound that of our breath mingling in the air around us. It was so intense that I couldn’t muster up a moan or a cry of pleasure, every inch of my body given over to the orgasm that seemed to be shuddering its way through me.
He held himself inside of me for a good while, until his arms began to shake and he slowly let me down again. I planted my feet on the ground, and had to grab for the coat-rack next to the door to keep myself standing up straight. I couldn’t help but laugh. He met my gaze, and managed a smile before staggering backwards and falling on to my couch with a thump and a sigh.
“You okay?” I asked, wandering to the bathroom and flicking on the shower I’d been intending to have before he’d so rudely interrupted me.
“Never better,” he sighed. “You?”
“Uh, yeah,” I shrugged. Now that I wasn’t caught up in the heat of the moment, the reality was beginning to sink in, and I wasn’t entirely sure what we were meant to do now.
“You sure?” He raised his eyebrows at me as he buckled up his pants and adjusted himself, leaning up against the couch and eyeing me. “I didn’t hear from you all week.”
“Uh, yeah, sorry, I was busy with rehearsals and stuff,” I replied, ducking into the bathroom so I could have my shower. “I’m just going for a shower, I’ll be out in a minute…”
I climbed under the running water and gratefully let it wash away the smell of him as it lingered on me; part of me wanted to luxuriate in the scent of his aftershave on my skin, while the rest of me knew that I needed to a put a stop to this before it got out of control. I toweled my hair off, put on my pajamas, and went back into the living room, where he was fiddling with his phone. He glanced up as soon as I entered the room, and grinned up at me.
“You were really good tonight,” he remarked. “And you look adorable in those.”
“Uh, thanks,” I muttered, tugging at the bottom of my shirt nervously. I had no idea what to do or say next; did I want him to stay the night? Could I get rid of him if I didn’t? I came over and planted my hands on the couch above him. He met my gaze, and his brow furrowed at once. He could tell something was wrong without having to ask.
“What is it?”
“I don’t think you should be here,” I mumbled, the words sticking in my throat as though something in me was begging me not to come out with them. I ignored my reservations, and focused on getting what needed to be said out in the open.
“What? Why?” his face dropped, and I felt a wave of remorse at once, guilt seemed to wipe every thought from my mind as I tried to find some way to put this that wouldn’t hurt him.
“I think we took this too far,” I sighed, running my hands through my wet hair. It was leaving a spreading damp patch on my back, and I wanted to wrap it up and get to bed already.
“What do you mean?” Darius propped himself up and get to his feet.
“We said we were going to keep this casual, but I think…” I sighed, trying to find the words. “I think we both let that get away from us a little bit.”
“And? So?” he pressed. “What’s wrong with that?”
“I don’t want anything serious with you,” I blurted out, the words escaping my lips before I could think about how mean they were going to sound.
“What?” he paced back and forth in front of the couch. “Why not?”
“You’re just…” I sighed. “The boxing, and all of that. I think you’re fun, but I don’t see this being anything more serious than that.”
“What about the boxing?” He pressed.
“I just don’t want to get involved with someone who does something illegal for a living,” I shrugged. “No judgement.”
“No judge…” He repeated, shaking his head as though he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “So, that’s it?”
“If you’re willing to keep things strictly casual, I’m happy to keep what we have going, but I-“
“Emilia, for fuck’s sake,” he snapped, cutting me off. “I really like you. And it’s not like either of us have jobs that are actually stable.”
“At least mine’s legal!” I countered angrily. He threw his hands in the hair, obviously pissed off.
“Yeah, well, at least mine’s regular,” he shot back. I pursed my lips, seriously pissed.
“So, that’s it then?” His shoulders sagged, defeated. “We’re just done like that?”
“I’m just being honest with you!” I defended myself. “That’s what you wanted, right?”
“I didn’t realize that I was just…nothing to you,” he spat the words at my feet. He seemed humiliated, and that was only stoking his anger to even crazier levels. “I can’t believe I let myself catch feelings for you.”
“You did?” I murmured, more to myself than to him. I hadn’t known…I’d assumed he’d felt as I had after the kiss, awkward and freaking out that it might have meant something more.
“Why do you think I was at that gig tonight?” He pointed out. “Because I wanted to support you. I wanted to be there for you.”
“I’m sorry,” I replied, feeling impotent. “I just…maybe in another life, you know?”
I looked at him- Darius, still the most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on, even when he was glowering at me as he was at that second. I wanted to reach out and caress him, to run my fingers down his cheek one last time.
Why was I doing this, again? Because he wasn’t the kind of guy you dated, he was a bit of fun, a man with a dangerous lifestyle that could easily have ended up consuming everything around him. It didn’t matter how much he liked me, because I was the one calling this.
Those little flickers of doubt were nothing more than a diversion from what was really important. Even as I found myself second-guessing my decision, I kept firm. I needed to prove to myself that I could do this- that I could walk away from bad news when I saw it. He ran his hands over his head and grabbed his phone from the side of the couch.
“Well, if I was nothing more than some fuck to you, I guess I should be on my way,” he announced, his voice filled with incredulity- I could tell that some part of him was waiting for me to call him back, to admit that I’d made a mistake and that I wanted him to stay and please, couldn’t we just go to bed?
Or maybe that was my mind filling in the blanks where there were none, hoping there was still a glimmer of hope for the two of us. He went to the door and grabbed the handle, pausing for a moment before he turned back to me. Our eyes met, and I had to fight the urge to run towards him, wrap my arms around his neck, and beg him not to go. I clenched my fists and waited for him to deliver whatever final blow he had waiting for me.
“I might be doing something you don’t approve of, but I would never have let it affect you,” he murmured, his voice suddenly soft and stripped of all the anger that had been bubbling in him only moments before. “You missed out on something good here, Emilia.”
And with that, he opened the door, stepped out into the hallway, and was out of my apartment and, apparently, my life. I clapped my hand over my mouth as the seriousness of what had happened finally sunk in. I climbed into bed, spending the night wondering endlessly if I had made the right decision or if I had just let a man I was meant to be with walk out of my life for good.