Cassidy
This time, when they discharge me, it’s for real. I didn’t have an embolism. I didn’t have a worsening concussion. I didn’t have any of the horrible things they suspected.
I have a baby. Inside me. One that I haven’t told anyone about.
So far, they think the baby is okay. I’m afraid that they are wrong. And every time I close my eyes, I see that gun. I’m sort of a mess.
My mom takes me home, puts me in my room. I don’t fight her and neither does Conner.
For two days.
He told me he loved me. I want to believe him. I really do. I know I love him. But what will he say about a baby? Life is already so chaotic. How do we add another baby to this now?
I’m worried about Ashley. And I miss sweet little Hayden, too.
I’m sitting in my dad’s recliner watching Mean Girls for the hundredth time in my life when my mom pops her head in.
“Conner is here.”
My hands go to my tummy automatically, earning me a “your gig is up” look from my mom, but she doesn’t say anything.
I pause the movie and then turn off the TV. It feels silly, watching that movie right now. Girlish.
Maybe I am too young for all of this.
“Hey.”
He looks good. Too good. He steals my breath as he crosses the room and kisses the top of my head gently. He’s got some bags under his eyes. I hope he’s been eating real food. Maybe he went back to frozen pizzas and beer in the days we’ve been apart. Maybe it’s not my business.
He sits awkwardly on the couch. “Are you okay? I thought you would call or come over or...”
I play with the ends of the quilt on my lap. “I’m sorry. I’ve been sleeping a lot.”
The way he’s concentrating so fiercely on my face makes my eye twitch.
“What’s really going on?”
“Nothing.”
He winces. “Right. Nothing. You’re only avoiding me and the girls. No big deal.”
“Conner, I’m not avoiding you. I’m just resting.”
“I don’t understand what changed. I thought, in the hospital, when I told you I loved you...”
“I’m pregnant.”
God, did I really just blurt that out like that?
Conner’s face goes slack with shock. “You’re pregnant?”
I nod.
“That’s why you’re avoiding me?”
“I’m not—okay, maybe I am. I needed a little time to figure out how I feel.”
He’s biting the inside of his cheek. He reminds me of a tiger pacing its cage. All that energy tightly coiled and waiting for the opportunity to make a break for it. “We used protection.”
I massage the spot where I imagine the baby is twirling around. “Nothing is foolproof.”
Leaning back against the cushions, he rubs his face. “Wow. God, every time I was inside you, part of me fantasized about putting a baby in there, but I never thought we’d really do it.”
Wait, what? “You fantasized about getting me pregnant?”
He blinks at me like he hadn’t realized that was weird to say out loud until just now. “It was, I don’t know, a primal thing I guess. Biology.”
“Well, um, surprise! Biology won.”
Why am I being so snarky? It’s not his fault. Or not only his fault anyway.
“So how do you feel, Cassidy? You’ve had some time to think without me now.”
I wish I knew how I felt. I know the right thing for everyone is probably not for me to be pregnant. But I love the baby already. How could I not? I love its father. I love its siblings. “It’s not a good time for a baby.” I choke out the words because they are true, but they hurt.
Conner pales, and then his face gets red. “You don’t think I can handle it, do you? That’s why you kept it to yourself. Were you going to decide without me?”
“No, of course not. I’m not worried about you. You’re a great dad. But what if I’m not ready to be a mom?”
He laughs and looks around the room like he’s expecting a cameraman to jump out from behind a piece of furniture. “Seriously? Cass, what do you think you’ve been doing for the last seven months if not being a mom?”
“I’m just the nanny.”
He narrows his gaze at me. “Do not say that. We both know that is not true.”
“Well, okay. But we’ve only been together a few weeks. Conner, we haven’t even been on a date. We’re not ready to parent.”
“Sweetness, we’ve been living together for seven months, but I have no problem taking you out on a date if that makes you feel better.” He pauses. “What’s really going on? We do pretty well at parenting together, and you already know that. What really has you so worried?”
“Everything.”
“All right. Let’s make a list of everything and then we’ll tackle it one at a time. That’s what you do, right? Make lists?”
There are literally lists in every room of that house. Yes, I make lists. But he’s not supposed to be the reasonable one in this situation. He’s supposed to be freaking out, though I don’t know why I think that. I mean, he never freaked out when he found out he was going to have to move into his sister’s house and raise her children. He didn’t freak out when there was projectile vomiting for three days. He didn’t freak out when Ashley locked herself in the bathroom with an open bag of flour.
I can almost feel my blood pressure rising, which can’t be good for the peanut inside me right now. I guess I’m the one that’s freaking out. Not him.
“How can you be so calm? I’m pregnant! A year ago, you didn’t even want kids and now you have two ...and a half. You...you...you knocked up your teenaged babysitter. It’s like life just keeps taking your choices away from you. Why aren’t you mad?”
“As I recall, I really enjoyed knocking up my teenaged babysitter. And the twins are amazing. And I’m in love with you. What’s one more kid?”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
I force myself to take a calming breath.
“You’re not mad or frustrated?”
“No.”
And another.
“You don’t want me to...make another choice or give it up for adoption?”
Conner slides to the floor in front of my chair and takes my hand. “No. I’ll stand by you if that’s what you want. But that’s not what I want.” He brings my bandaged knuckles to his mouth and kisses me softly. “I want you to come home. Come back to me and the girls. They miss you so much. I miss you. It’s killing me not being able to take care of you. Not to hold you at night. I almost lost so much the other day. That gunman almost took my life away from me.”
My heart is beating so hard. “I miss you guys, too.”
“We can do this together, you know. There’s not a damn thing you can’t do, I’ve seen that firsthand. So together, I figure we’re unstoppable.”
He really loves me. I don’t know how or why I doubted it. “Well, I did take down a would-be carjacker. I suppose I can manage three kids and a bricklayer.”
He lays his head on my lap, and I sift my fingers through his hair. “It’s gonna be a helluva ride, you know.”
Three kids under the age of two. Yeah. It’s gonna be crazy.
“People are going to say things, Conner. I imagine my mom has some things to say, too.”
“We’ll handle it. We’re a family, Cassidy.” We hear my mom poking around in the kitchen, so he lifts his head. “The girls are going to love having a baby brother or sister.”
I sniffle, pretty sure pregnancy hormones are the reason I’m crying. Yeah, for sure. Pregnancy hormones. “Wait. Who is with the girls right now?”
“The three idiots from poker night have been helping out. And Deacon’s mom. And your mom.”
“My mom?”
“Yeah, she came over for a few hours this morning while I was at work to give Deacon’s mom a break.”
“She didn’t say anything to me.”
“She’s a good woman. That’s where you get it from.”
I smile because he’s right. But she is still going to chew me a new one.
I ask him to help me pack. I only have a few things left here, anyway. He is getting a kick out of my childhood room.
“It looks like a guest room. Did you never have any rock star posters or anything?”
“I had a Myspace full of emo bands and pink glitter fonts, but my bedroom I’ve always liked kind of plain.”
“Myspace. I forgot about Myspace. You ready?”
I take a good look around. “Take me home, Conner.”