CHAPTER 13

 

The next morning, when he woke up, Kian hoped it had all been a bad dream but one look at his broken wife told him it hadn’t been.

“I don’t think you should go to rehearsals today.”

Cate looked up at him, dark crescents shadowing her beautiful black eyes. “I don’t want anybody else to know what happened on Saturday night. There are so few things in my life that are private; I want this to be one of them.”

Kian shook his head, “you can’t pretend that it didn’t happen, angel.”

Cate turned on him, “I’m well aware of that.” She put a hand on her empty stomach, “every twinge… every drop of blood in my underwear reminds me that I had a miscarriage.”

“If you’re feeling like that, you shouldn’t be dancing for fuck’s sake!”

“What else am I supposed to do?” Cate said angrily. “I’m in a dancing competition on national TV. If I don’t go to rehearsals today, rumours will spread about why I’m not there.”

“I don’t fucking care what anybody else thinks.”

Cate laughed bitterly, “I’ve spoken publicly about my battle with prenatal depression. I’ve talked about how I seriously considered drowning myself in Puget Sound when I was pregnant with Sierra. If I don’t go to rehearsals today, people are going to think that I’m depressed again. I don’t care what anybody else thinks but what if Lola hears those rumours? I don’t want our daughter to worry that I might do something stupid.”

Kian reached out to hold her, “we’ll talk to her.”

Cate dodged out of his way, “no, she’s still so young and innocent. I want her to stay like that for as long as possible. I don’t want her to know about bleak things like depression and miscarriages.”

When she walked into training with her usual tray of coffees, she hated the look of pity in Declan’s eyes. “Are you OK?” he spoke out of the side of his mouth so he couldn’t be overheard by the camera crew.

Cate plastered on another fake smile, “I’m fine. What dance have we got this week?”

“The Foxtrot and the song we’ve been given is “Them There Eyes” by Peggy Lee.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard that song before.”

It didn’t matter what had happened on the previous Saturday night, every Monday morning it was like somebody had hit the restart button.

The training was tough, Cate was still sore, but it was exactly what she needed. After Sierra was born, she’d taken up running to try and stop her depression from coming back. There was something so freeing about having nothing else to think about apart from putting one foot in front of the other. She was starting to get the same comfort from learning to dance. It was so all-encompassing that everything outside the four walls of the chilly dance studio just disappeared. The only thing that mattered was the Foxtrot.

“Let’s call it a night,” Declan handed Cate a towel. Cate looked out of the large windows; the sky was already starting to go black.

She loved Kian and the children but tonight, she didn’t want to go home. She wanted to stay forever in this perfect, little dance bubble. “I still don’t feel like I’m getting it. Can we try it one more time?”

The camera crew had gone so it was just Declan and Cate in the studio.

“You’re exhausted, chara.”

“I’m fine,” Cate fumed. She was fed up with being told how she should be feeling.

“After what happened on Saturday night...” Just like that, Declan’s words popped Cate’s perfect, little bubble. “I’m worried about you.”

Although it was genuine, his concern prickled against her skin. “It isn’t your job to worry about me. You’re just here to teach me how to dance.”

Declan looked hurt for a moment, “yeah well, it wasn’t my job to sit by your hospital bed all night either. I thought we were friends, Cate.”

Before she could say anything else, Declan had stormed out of the studio.

She was completely alone for the first time since she’d had the miscarriage. She prised her dance shoes off her sore and blistered feet and padded barefoot across the cold floor to turn off the harsh lights. In the dark, she lay in the middle of the floor and wept silently for the child she would never get to meet.

Would this baby have been like Lola? Sensitive and kind, she was a bookworm like her mum and football-crazy like her dad. Or would they have been more like Mateo; endlessly curious, he hated mushrooms but loved anything to do with boats and the water? Maybe they would have been most like Sierra? Even though she was still a baby; Cate could already tell that she was going to be a feisty little thing. She absolutely hated baths, she would kick her legs so much that most of the water would end up on the floor but she had the most infectious giggle.

She slid the tips of her fingers up her t-shirt and touched the warmth of her abdomen. She could imagine what it would have felt like as it began to swell with pregnancy.

It was hard to think that at an age where most women were only just starting their families that Cate’s was already complete. She would never be pregnant again.

The studio door opened, sending a shaft of light across the floor. “Cate?”

“Are you OK?” Kevin, the owner of the gym, asked.

Cate quickly wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands, “yeah, sorry. I’m fine. I was just thinking about this week’s dance.”

When she got home, it was late. Kian had already put the children to bed and he’d cooked dinner for them both. Cate felt so guilty looking at all his hard work; he’d even lit candles. It looked so romantic but she felt anything but; all she really wanted to do was have a shower and climb into bed but she’d already been a bitch once today with Declan. She didn’t have the energy to do it again.

She grabbed a quick shower and changed into one of her feel-good outfits; a black dress with purple lightning bolts and a pair of super-comfy black leggings. She gave her hair a quick blast of the hairdryer and braided it to one side.

“You look beautiful,” Kian kissed her cheek. “Sit down and I’ll bring it through.”

Cate took a seat at the long dining table; it felt too formal for just the two of them.

“How was training today?” Kian asked, looking down at his plate. Cate told him a bit about the Foxtrot but conversation between them which usually flowed freely now felt stilted and awkward.

“So… I, um, had that test today.”

Cate swallowed. She really didn’t want to talk about this tonight. If the test had shown that there was no sperm left that meant that it was absolute, she would never be pregnant again. She didn’t know if she wanted to be but the results of this test would be the final death knell.

Oblivious, Kian continued, “it was clear. The count was zero.”

Cate felt a blistering surge of anger. She’d just lost a baby and now he’d taken away the chance for her to have any more. “I’m not having sex with you tonight.”

She picked up her almost-full plate and walked into the kitchen. She was shaking so badly her knees knocked together. “That wasn’t why I told you, Cate.”

“Leave me alone, Kian,” Cate gritted her teeth. “I can’t even look at you right now.”

They were interrupted by Mateo. “Daddy,” he reached his arms up to Kian. “I’m thirsty.”

“What are you doing out of bed, little man?” Cate went to pick him up.

“No,” Mateo shook his head. “I don’t want you. I want Daddy.”

Kian looked helplessly at Cate. It felt like every minute was breaking her a little more. “It’s OK,” she shrugged, “you get him a glass of water. I’ve been away a lot recently.”