CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
The Most Hollow Victory
Sitting in an upscale Madison restaurant with Annie, James, and Sabin hardly seems real. But it is. Annie looks exactly the same, and I admire her as she sits across the dinner table from me. She’s let her straight brown hair grow to midway down her back, and she compulsively tucks it behind one ear every few minutes, just as she always has. Her brown eyes are as expressive as I remember, and she still has the ability to say a thousand words with one eyebrow arch. Seeing her is exactly what I need right now. To some degree, she will always remind me of the torturous aftermath of my parents’ death, but I’m ready to move past that. She is full of smiles and exuberance, and we do not talk about my parents or the fire. We focus instead on the future, since that’s all I want to think about right now.
Sabin has, of course, charmed the absolute shit out of her. While the biker jacket is still on, he is surprisingly wearing a button-down shirt and dress pants. It’s an odd combination, but Sabin is a bit of an odd combination so this suits him.
Annie refills her wineglass and holds up the bottle with a questioning look. “More?”
I shake my head. “No, I want to be clearheaded for graduation tomorrow.”
“Then I’ll toast to your magazine internship on my own. I’m so proud! It’s much more exciting than my boring lawyer work, although at least I’m happier telecommuting. What will you be doing for the summer, Sabin?” Annie asks, turning to him. “You’ll be a senior next year, right? Big year ahead.”
“I’m going to stay here in Madison and do some performances with a community theater. They’ve got a great summer lineup, and I’m preparing to dazzle the city’s entire female population. So sorry you won’t be here for that, Ms. Annie.” He is an incorrigible flirt.
“I’m sorry, too.” There goes the eyebrow. “And your brothers and sister? What are they doing?”
“Eric is staying in town, too, and working at a bank. Sounds noxiously boring to me, but he likes that sort of stuff. And he’s going to blog for the theater company I’m with, so that’ll be cool. Estelle will be smelling feet all summer at some super fancy shoe store and still working at the restaurant where she waitresses near campus.”
“Hey, Sabe.” I want to cut him off before he mentions Chris. “I’ve always wondered why she worked there. I mean, not to be weird, but it doesn’t seem like she needs the money.”
He smiles. “No, it’s not for the money. It’s because of Anya.”
“The older lady who owns the place? With the bun?”
“Yeah.” He smiles lightly. “Estelle’s not much for seeking out an obvious mother substitute, but I think Anya’s got that grandmother feel. It’s something. We don’t …” He waves his hand around. “We don’t have grandparents. We don’t have uncles and aunts and cousins. It’s just us.” He looks at Annie. “No, no, do not make that sad face, beautiful Annie! My personality more than compensates for our scant selection of relatives! Besides, we now have the hot cousin in the mix.” He nods at me and I laugh. “Tell me what your plans are. Lots of bikini wearing for you, I hope, Annie?”
Annie looks at me. “He’s a good one, this guy, huh?”
“Beyond good,” I assure her.
“I think we’ve got our summer plans down, and I believe they involve kicking things off with a Cape Cod trip.”
“I think that sounds perfect. What do you think?” I turn to my brother.
Having James here is amazing, and we feel more like we used to than I could have hoped. I’ve learned that if I use time intelligently, it can actually do a lot to fix wounds. When I finally asked him to come to graduation, I wasn’t sure what he would say. I hadn’t exactly been overly warm toward him since Christmas, but he’d handled it well because he knew that I deserved his patience. As much as I can be, I am over his lying about his injury. There wasn’t really anything specific we had to talk about. It just took time for me to let what came out of Christmas break settle. We can’t change the past and the choices that we’ve made. Besides, I have an opportunity to have a real relationship with him, and I’ve decided that I don’t want to miss it. What I do miss is the fun that we used to have together, so we’re getting that back no matter what.
“I think three weeks on the Cape sounds even better than two, don’t you?” James smiles broadly and nudges me.
“Yes, I do.” I nudge him back.
James put his arm over my shoulder and pulls me in while we blink pleadingly at Annie. “It sounds fun, doesn’t it? Three whole weeks to splash in the ocean, roll in the sand, fish off the boat?”
“You are still expected to find a job, you know, young man.” Annie looks pointedly at James, but still smiles.
“I’m quite sure that three weeks of decompression would totally rejuvenate his desire to seek employment. Right, James?”
He nods seriously. “Absolutely.”
Annie laughs. “You two fools are lucky that I’ve had so much wine because I totally agree. Let’s do it!” She fishes her phone from her purse. “I’m going to call my friend who’s letting us use her house, but I think it’ll be fine. She’s going to be away for another few weeks anyway.” She gets up from the table and touches James on the arm. “Walk with me outside. I can tell these two need a minute.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about, so I turn to Sabin. He is visibly teary. “Oh my God, Sabe. Don’t. No crying, okay?” I put my hand over his giant hand and squeeze. “What is it?”
“It’s … weird to watch you with James.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well … the way he … put his arm over your shoulder just now. That’s my thing with you.” He shrugs.
I smile. “Well, my, my, Sabin Shepherd, are you jealous?”
“Fuck, yes, I am. But I’m happy for you. You have a family again.”
“You listen to me, all right? Listen,” I say firmly. “You are my family. From the minute that you stole my coffee, you were my family. That’s for always. I will always need you, no matter how close James and I ever get. All four of you, you have changed my life.”
“Shit, I’m going to miss you.” He can’t look at me, and that’s probably for the best.
I give in and let my eyes fill. There is going to be a lot of crying this weekend. That’s unavoidable. “This is going to be a hard good-bye,” I say.
“Yes, it is.” He takes my wineglass, fills it, and drinks half the glass. “But I know it’s not your hardest.”
“No, you’re wrong. This one is different, but it’s just as hard.” I get up from my chair and take my favorite spot in his lap. I won’t get to have his big arms around me anytime that I want after this. What I am losing is starting to seem like too much now, and I don’t know how to deal with it. “You’ll come visit me; you promised.”
He hugs me and nods into my neck, and I bury my face into him. “Yeah, I will. And maybe you’ll come out here, too? We could have a Thanksgiving do-over?”
“I can’t come for a holiday. Not if—”
“I know. Not if Chris is here.”
I relax into Sabin’s comfort. I know that I’m going to need it in a minute. In the way that Chris was able to stabilize me in the past, Sabin is going to have to stabilize me now because I’m about to ask him what I don’t want to hear, but what I need to hear. “Chris is staying in town, isn’t he?”
Sabin pauses and then nods again. “Yeah, sweetie.”
“And there’s more, isn’t there?”
“There is.”
I don’t say anything for a minute. “They’re sleeping together, aren’t they?”
“Oh, I have no idea. But, Blythe …” He starts to say something else and then stops.
“What are you talking about?” And then I know. The horrible understanding falls into place for me. He doesn’t have to tell me because I know. I can feel it. “Oh God, Sabin, no.” I shut my eyes and let the tears fall. I hold on tightly. It’s worse than I thought. “Please tell me no. He can’t do this.”
“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“When?”
“Not until next June.”
Chris is getting married.
The phrase repeats in my head until it seems like I’m shouting it at myself. I feel numb. How is this possible? I thought he was just like me.
I thought the only marriage proposal he’d ever make would be a drunk one, on a rooftop, holding a wedge of lime.
I thought neither of us would ever chase after tradition for the sake of tradition.
I thought our being together would be a slow build.
I thought we would find our way into a love with no return.
I thought that we were an absolute.
Sabin rubs my back and lets my tears fall over his jacket. “Maybe you can stop him.”
“No, I can’t. Even if I could, I don’t want to have to stop him.”
***
I am numb as we wrap up the evening. By the time I’m back in my dorm room, I’ve decided that I want away from Matthews, away from Chris, and away from all the pain that’s here. If I can just get through the next thirty-six hours, I’ll be fine. I will. I can do this.
It’s just fucking heartbreak, that’s all.
Determined to avoid acting pitiful, I take my dirty clothes down to the laundry room in the dorm basement and load them into the machines. I sit on the hard counter and stare at the wash cycle. Spin. Yeah, I am definitely spinning. The room is empty, and it’s probably the quietest place on campus since everyone else is out partying before graduation tomorrow. One in the morning is not a popular time to go stain-free apparently, but that’s good because I don’t want to see anyone. That’s why I’m here. I couldn’t give a shit about going home with dirty laundry, but sitting in my room with all its packed-up boxes is depressing. I already miss Neon Jesus.
Of all the people whom I do not want to see, Chris tops the list. So when he walks into the laundry room, I immediately white-knuckle the edge of the countertop.
He sets his laundry on top of a washer. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
Chris leans against the machine. As much as I don’t want to look at him, I can’t help myself. Maybe it’s only been a few months that we’ve been distant, but it seems an eternity since I’ve had the opportunity, forced or not, to see how painfully intoxicating he is. It perplexes me that he isn’t hounded by women at every turn, because he’s that intensely attractive to me. I don’t notice anyone else. Even the resentment and bitterness at the forefront of my thinking cannot put a dent in how desirable he is to me in every way.
This is one of the last times that I’ll see him, I realize. I won’t get to see him brush his black hair away from those green eyes, I won’t get to see how his shirts always cling so perfectly to his body, and I won’t be on the receiving end of that half smile that infuses my world with so much.
We sit there for a long time; the background noise from the machines is the only thing protecting us at all from the paralyzing tension.
Finally he breaks the silence. “I talked to Sabin.” He blows the hair from his eyes. “He told you.”
“I don’t want to discuss it.”
“Blythe …”
“No. No, shut up, Chris.” I feel myself shift gears to a place where I cannot control my rage and my pain. “Just shut the fuck up. Did you think that I’d congratulate you? Yeah, I’m supposed to, I know that. How can I? Jesus, Christopher. What have you done? My, God, what have you done to us?”
“I was going to tell you myself, but—”
“But what?” I spit out. I slide from the counter and continue to explode. “Who the fuck decides to get married after a few months? At our age? There is so much time left to decide … to make these kinds of promises later. Why now? Chris, why now? You didn’t even want a girlfriend, much less a wife! And … and … and now you’re engaged? Why didn’t you just tell me that you didn’t want me? That would have been fair. This? This shit is not fair. You know goddamn well how I feel about you, Christopher.”
He doesn’t take his eyes from me, and he lets me unleash all of my hurt.
“Does this all make me sick? Yes. Does the thought of you touching her the way you touched me fucking tear me apart? Yes. But, for the record, am I jealous? No. This is not jealousy. I don’t want what you have with her. I would never want something like that with you. And fuck you, no, I’m not going to say her fucking name.” I am crying freely now with no pretense that I can hold it together. “I want what we started to have. What we could have. I mean, am I crazy? Did I really make that all up?” I look at him and shake my head. I start to calm down because I recognize something in him. Something I saw during our last night at the hotel. “No. I didn’t. I can see that … I know you, Chris, and I know that you felt what I did, didn’t you?”
He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to.
I’m right. He fell for me as I fell for him. It’s a fucking hollow victory if ever there was one.
“But I can’t hate you, because you saved me. Without you, I’d still be a walking zombie. Being with you let me …” I look around the room trying to figure out a way to say what I want. Wading through words in my emotional state is nearly impossible. I have next to no idea if I’m making any sense, if I’m reaching him in any capacity, but I need to empty myself of this so that I can go on. “Being with you let me feel, feel everything, and I needed that. I remembered better with you, I healed better with you, and you made … you made everything real.”
I stop. Now I really understand.
“And that’s why you can’t ever be with me, isn’t it? I make everything too real for you. She doesn’t do that. She lets you push away what you want to forget. She makes it safe in the way that you need it to be. You clearly need to trick yourself into … I don’t know …” I am trying so hard not to go to pieces, but it’s a losing battle. “You need to feel normal, whatever that means. Lying to yourself? It’s like what James did. It will catch up with you. It will. I wish I could hate you because that would be easier. But I can’t. I understand that you have to do whatever you can to get through … through whatever happened. Even though I don’t know exactly what that is.”
He cuts me off. “That doesn’t matter. That part of my life is over. I will not look back.” Although his voice is firm, he is infuriatingly as calm as ever, while I am anything but.
“See? That’s exactly what I mean. You feel with me, the same way that I do with you. I don’t know why that is, but it’s true. From the moment I saw you by the lake, you did something to me. You … moved me. And when you put your hands on me that day, you infiltrated every part of who I am, and we belonged to each other. Whether you want that or not. And when we were … when you and I were in bed, Chris … that last night … I could feel you, everything about you. That’s what you don’t want. I get how it feels when it’s too much. I couldn’t handle it then either, but I was willing to wait. We shouldn’t have slept together. It was the worst thing we could have done. That’s my fault, though. I take that responsibility.”
Now he is upset. Now his eyes are red. But he doesn’t break down the way I have because his protective walls are thick. “Don’t you dare say we shouldn’t have slept together, Blythe. Don’t you dare.”
I ignore him. “But if attaching yourself to her is what you need—if she’s what you need—to be okay, then I would never try to take that from you.”
He speaks softly, and each word stings to all hell. “She is what I need. We’re compatible, and it’s good for me. It’s what I can handle.”
“Compatible? Is that all you’re looking for in life? You don’t sound even like you’re following your heart.”
“Not every choice has to be governed by emotion.”
I wipe my eyes. Chris takes a step toward me, but I put out my hands and stop him.
“No, don’t touch me. I can’t take it. Please. I just can’t. I’m not going to see you again, I know that, but I can’t say good-bye to you. How can I?” I am so consumed with sadness, I can barely see. “How can I possibly say good-bye to the person I am so hopelessly, deeply, and permanently in love with? Because I love you, Chris. I do. I will always be in love with you, even though you’ll never love me back. You have been my sanctuary this year. You saved me. Do you know that? You saved me. And I wish that you would let me save you.” I don’t want him to have the chance to say anything else. I can’t bear any more of this. I walk to the door. “I really thought good things were coming for us, Chris. I believed. The irony here is that when you saved me, you made me strong enough so that I won’t go back to the dark world I used to live in. Even though you just ripped out my heart. Chris. Oh God, Chris.”
Despite whatever else has happened in my life, I have never felt this type of loss.
I look at him for what feels like the last time. “You are the great love of my life that I’m never going to have.”