CHAPTER NINETEEN
Belonging
Waking up with Chris’s mouth between my legs, his tongue working against me hard, and finding that I’m halfway to orgasm is not a bad start to the day. At all. He went down on me last night, and I thought that I might absolutely combust. That first touch of his mouth to my clit was more than I could have imagined, and apparently he likes this as much as I do since he’s doing a damn spectacular job of hitting all the right places with all the right rhythms. Chris can read my body with shocking clarity.
He spreads me apart with his fingers and covers me with his mouth as he sucks on me slowly. I reach down and put my hand on his head and lift myself into him.
He pulls away slightly so that his mouth is barely touching my body, and he starts to kiss me lightly, just barely letting his lips brush against me. I run my hands through my hair as he parts me open again and traces his tongue over my clit. I’m moving against his mouth now as he puts his hands under me, squeezing me softly and letting his fingers wander. He lifts his tongue and moves down, pushing it inside me for a minute before moving even lower. I spread my legs apart more. I’m breathing hard, practically panting, and I can feel my orgasm coming.
I move to put myself in his mouth again. “You ready?” he asks, and takes my moaning as a yes. “Good. Because I can’t wait any longer to taste you while you come.”
Those words alone almost do the trick.
His tongue is on me again, and he drives his fingers deep inside me, hard. My muscles tighten and I can barely breathe. His mouth and hand are moving perfectly, bringing me closer and closer to the edge, and he’s got total control over me now. It feels like forever that he keeps me on that delicious brink of ecstasy that he gives me just before I come. This? This I cannot do to myself. And then Chris moves just a little faster until I explode. He lightens the pressure as I start to throb against his mouth. I can’t believe how hard I’m coming, how much I’m trembling, how loud I am. He lifts his mouth and gently rubs me with his fingers, making sure I get to enjoy this fully.
And although I’ve just had the most incredible, satisfying orgasm, and I can hardly see straight, I want more.
I’m still dizzy and breathing hard when he kisses his way up my body. “You and your pussy are fucking delicious.”
“Wait …” I’m still half asleep, but I’m alert enough to realize that he’s fully dressed. “Why are there clothes? Stop it with all the clothes-wearing nonsense.”
He kisses me again. “I have to go. I’ll be back later this afternoon.”
“Sabin?” I ask.
“Yeah. Dinner at seven tonight, okay?” He pauses. “So I’ll be here at five.”
I smile. “Five is good. Hope things go well today.”
“Go back to sleep, sweet girl.” He pulls the comforter over me and kisses me on the cheek.
I sleep until after one in the afternoon. Getting laid until all hours of the night is evidently exhausting. After I shower and get dressed, I text James. I’m not ready to fake a friendly chat, but I don’t want to cut off communication with him. Housekeeping knocks on the door, and I decide that if ever a room needed cleaning, it’s this one.
Besides, I’m starving. The hotel lounge has a nice lunch menu, so I head down there and inhale a sandwich and then ask for the largest cappuccino they’ll make me. Then I order another one.
I’ve only been awake for a short time, but I check the time because I cannot wait until five o’clock. It’s impossible to stop smiling like an idiot, so I hold my phone in front of me to give anyone nearby the impression that I am wildly amused by some stupid regretsy post.
An e-mail comes through. One I’ve been hoping for. Annie has written me back. A long, thoughtful, amazing response to mine. She is heartbreakingly understanding, and not only does she not blame me for pushing her away, but she even confesses that to some degree what I did was a relief. I remind her of my mom in the same way that she reminds me of my mom. We can recover from that, though, she says. She promises. Annie insists that we talk on the phone—soon if I’m up for it, but later if that’s what I need.
I’m tempted to call her right then, but I decide to move slowly. My e-mail reply to her is full of relief, and joy, and assurances that I will call soon. And I will.
I look around the hotel lounge. Spending money on this place is obscene and unnecessary. Normally I am not a particularly self-indulgent person, and if I hadn’t run into Chris here I suspect that I would have moved myself to a much cheaper place after a few nights when the amount of money I was wasting hit me. As it is, I am going to make peace with spoiling myself this week. Not everyone has the opportunity to escape into a hotel fantasy life for a week, and I am grateful that I can do this for myself. Especially at a place like this. The Madison Grand is very modern, but still cozy and comfortable, and there’s something sexy about it. Of course, everything seems sexy to me right now. I check out the potted tree a few feet away. Okay, good, I do not find the tree sexy at all, so I have not entirely gone off the deep end.
I can hardly believe how good last night was. I knew Chris and I had a certain energy together, or whatever, but I could never have imagined it would be the way it was. He is thorough and disciplined, but apparently also capable of losing control in a way that drives me insane. And the way he balances complete tenderness and care with that rough, dirty edge … It’s just damn hot. I’m aware that I was more than ready to have sex, but Chris seems to elicit a side of me that I didn’t know I had.
I guess when I imagined losing my virginity, I thought it would have a specific beginning and end—that I’d have sex one time and that would be that. Instead, losing my virginity to Chris led to a long night of sex so good that I never could have dreamed it up before. My craving for physical contact, for complete sensory inundation, feels endless right now. I wasn’t aware that my body could be so awake. Chris ignited this in me with his first touch, back when he taught me to skip stones, and he’s been bringing me back to life ever since.
Best of all, I don’t feel uncomfortable about what we’ve done. I’m not a gooey, lovesick mess. I feel something for Chris that I can’t even define. Having sex for the first time hasn’t changed what I feel and hasn’t created something that didn’t already exist. What we did last night, what we’re going to do tonight, is just another part of us being together. The idea of Chris as my “boyfriend” still sounds totally ludicrous. Boyfriends are about dates, and silly anniversaries, and crap like that. I can’t help feeling like becoming boyfriend and girlfriend would trivialize whatever is between us. If Chris and I ever do really get together, it’s not going to be trivial. It’s going to be the love affair to end all love affairs. It’s obvious that what we’ve been having is hotel-only sex, but I’m not worried about what happens when we go back to school. We’re solidly part of each other’s lives, and that’s not going to change when we leave the hotel.
And for now, he is giving me exactly what I want, and I hope that I’m giving him at least a fraction of the physical fulfillment that I’ve had. I am saturated with the need to bring him to the edge of insanity the way he did for me. It amazes me that with Chris, I have such a sense of confidence and security despite my inexperience. I would do anything with him.
I make a stop at the drugstore across the street and load up on condoms before I head back to my room. God, yesterday I thought I knew what “feeling edgy” meant, but today is the real deal. All I want to hear is the sound of Chris knocking on my door so I can get my hands on him before dinner. Of course, I am dying to see Sabin, Estelle, and Eric tonight. I really do miss the hell out of them, especially my Sabin. It will take all my control not to yell at him for being irresponsible and stupid enough to drive drunk. What a dumb college-boy thing to do. He definitely deserves to be in deep shit for that, but I don’t want his life to be ruined, so I hope that court went as well as possible today.
I get a text from Chris at four thirty telling me that things with Sabin are not too bad, and he’ll fill me in later. He hasn’t told the others that I’m in town yet, so we’ll surprise them. Oh, and we’re all going somewhere nice for dinner so I should dress up.
Well, shit! I fly over to the closet and pull open the doors, stripping down to my underwear as I scan my closet. I need Estelle. It takes me twenty minutes to decide on a sleeveless black sheath dress that falls mid-thigh and tall black boots, both of which Estelle made me order from one of her favorite online stores. As I lay it out on the bed, it occurs to me that I really miss Estelle, and not just for her fashion sense. The truth is that we’re not exactly close in the sense of trading intimate secrets or engaging in stereotypical girl talk. I doubt she’ll ever talk to me about banging her professor, and I won’t talk to her about sleeping with her brother. Obviously. Yet despite the general lack of emotional sharing between us, I know undoubtedly that our friendship means the world to both of us. I scrounge through my drawstring bag of jewelry and pick out the silver cuff bracelet that Sabin gave me and a silver beaded choker that I’m hoping matches.
I look the outfit over and decide it seems like a safe bet. The fact that it’s a sleeveless dress and I’m not bothered makes me happy. Chris has had his hands and eyes on every inch of me, including my scar, and nothing freaks him out. We’re both beat up in different ways, and it doesn’t change anything.
The knock on the door electrifies me. I open the door wearing a black bra and underwear and silently thank Estelle for her insistence that I quit wearing ugly cotton crap sold in three-pack boxes.
“Holy hell,” Chris says slowly.
“Hi, honey. How was court?”
“I don’t even remember now.” He steps in, slips his hand around my waist, and pulls me in. “I think there was a judge there. It was someone robed. Could have been a monk.” Chris runs his hand down my front. As if I’m not already intoxicated by him, his sex appeal just soared up even more because he’s dressed up like I’ve never seen him. It’s not like he’s in a full suit or anything, but compared to his usual college-casual look, the slick black blazer and white dress shirt he’s wearing are pretty damn hot. He does, of course, still have on jeans, but he’s traded his favorite sneakers for black shoes. But while I’m loving the look, my main impulse is to strip it off him.
I pull myself together enough to ask, “Did the judge happen to say anything important? You know, about your brother’s fate?”
“Ah, how quickly you forget.” His hand covers my breast, and he tightens his hold for a brief moment. “I don’t believe in fate.”
“So you don’t believe that you’re fated to come repeatedly tonight?”
“That’s not fate. That’s just fact.” He kneels in front of me and presses his mouth over my underwear. “And we’re both going to come repeatedly tonight. I have spent the entire day thinking about how good you taste.” The back of his hand runs gently over me. “I didn’t hurt you last night, did I?”
“No,” I murmur.
“Or very, very early this morning?”
“Definitely not.”
He leans forward on his knees and kisses me. “You’re not sore?”
“Not much.”
“In that case, there will be even more coming tonight.”
I reach behind me to steady myself on the wall. I try to focus for one more moment before my ability to think clearly collapses. “And what about Sabin?”
“I have no idea what his plans are for tonight.”
“Very funny.”
“Probation, license suspension, and he’ll be writing a big check.”
I inhale sharply when Chris follows the line of my underwear with one finger. “Could be … worse.” My voice is shaky and I can feel my skin heat up. For an all-too-short time, he touches under my underwear slowly and carefully. I am beyond worked up and wet within seconds.
Chris stands up and kisses me on the cheek.“ You should get dressed. We gotta go.” I can feel him smiling against me.
“What? You said dinner was at seven.”
“I lied. We’re meeting earlier because Sabin wants to go to some play.”
I really shouldn’t have a tantrum because that would be tacky and pathetic. But I still give him a look that says I might kill him.
“I’m not going with them,” he reassures me.
“What reason did you give?”
He grabs my ass with both hands. “I said that I couldn’t be out late because I had to come back here and fuck you until you pass out.“
“Christopher!” I laugh. “You did no such thing.”
“No. I still haven’t even told them you’re back, so they’re going to flip. They missed you. Especially Sabin.”
“I missed them, too.” I start to slip from his arms. “For the record, I do think you’re an asshole for teasing me.”
I sit on the edge of the bed and start to put on my black nylons. Chris folds his arms and leans against the wall, watching me, studying the way I move. While I’m completely comfortable with him in almost every way, it’s making me nervous to have his eyes on me so intently. But l can tell that he likes this, so I take my time getting dressed, doing what I can to draw it out. By the time I slip on the second high-heel black leather boot, Chris looks like he’s about attack me. Damn, Estelle is good.
After I slide the dress over my head, I cross the floor slowly and turn my back to him. “Zip me?” I lift my hair.
“Of course.” He’s clearly trying to torture me because he smoothes his hands over my entire upper body before zipping my dress in the slowest possible manner.
I tilt my head back and lean into him. “Chris …”
“We have to go, or we’ll be late.”
I hate him right now. I hate that he has the self-control to get us out of the room, because I can damn well feel how turned on he is.
“Dinner better be really fucking good,” I say.
Chris drives us to the restaurant in his truck. We haven’t said it out loud, but it’s pretty obvious that we’ve agreed not to go out of our way to let on that our only real plans for the rest of the week are to have sex with each other.
The restaurant is modern and dimly lit with blue starburst lights. Sabin, Estelle, and Eric are seated at a large semicircle booth, and Sabin flies out of his seat when he sees me.
“Lady Blythe McGuire!” He rushes over to me and lifts me into the air in a hug. “I missed the hell out of you. What are you doing here?” He sets me down and holds me by the shoulders. “Wait. Is everything all right? You okay?”
“I’m fine. I just came back early and ran into Chris. Apparently, the Shepherds and I have excellent taste in hotels.”
He hugs me again. “C’mon. I’ll buy you a drink.”
He scoots me into the booth first so that I’m next to Eric, who hugs me, and Estelle on his other side air-kisses me. I love that we are in this fancy restaurant, and Sabin has on his cowboy hat. Chris sits next to his sister and takes a sip from her water glass. Everyone is tan and radiant looking, and I am blissfully happy because I am back where I belong.
“Our girl has returned early,” Sabin announces, “so now we have someone we are not related to who we can play with! Chris has been sick of us since New Year’s Eve, but I know you can counteract how boring we are. Right, Chris? Blythe is a lot more entertaining than us.”
I have to bite my cheek so that I don’t burst out laughing. I can’t even look at Chris.
“None of you are in the least bit boring,” I say. “You guys must have had an amazing trip. So tell me all the details! How was Hawaii?”
“Full of spectacular hard-bodied men,” Estelle says dreamily. She is, as usual, in full makeup and beautifully dressed in a taupe sweater that looks like cashmere.
Eric rolls his eyes. “That’s true. There were also other incredible views, though.”
I listen to them gush about the plush condo Chris rented for them, the impeccable beaches, the day hikes they took, and Chris and Sabin’s disastrous attempts to learn to surf.
“It’s true,” Chris says. “We sucked. I don’t think either of us stayed up on the board for more than two seconds.”
“It was still fun, though, right, Chris?” I love how Sabin looks at his brother. I think back to the fight on Thanksgiving night and how that could have ripped a family apart, or at the very least caused serious tears, but the adoration in Sabin’s eyes is unmistakable. He clearly looks up to Chris in so many ways, and I wish that James had a fraction of those same feelings for me. One day, one day. Maybe.
“Hey, we went back and surfed again the next day, didn’t we?” Chris gets a spark in his eyes. “You know, Blythe, there are really so many things that I want to do again… .” He sighs dramatically, and I resist kicking him under the table. Then he raises his glass to Sabin’s and nods in Eric’s direction. “And I’d like to give you two credit for your waterskiing success.”
Eric sighs. “Man, I could do that every day. Blythe, you would love it. Have you ever tried?”
I shake my head. “Nope. I’ve done a little sailing, but that’s it. Oh, and I can row a rowboat like nobody’s business.”
“Very impressive,” Estelle says, smiling. “I could sit in a rowboat and bark orders while a half-naked Hawaiian boy rows us to a deserted beach.”
“That’s enough out of you, young lady!” Sabin jokes. “My sister is not to be thinking anything indecent about boys. Not until you’re forty, Estelle.”
“Fine, fine. Blythe, have you enjoyed any new and exciting physical activities we should know about since we last saw you?”
I’m never going to make it through this dinner.
“Yes, tell us.” Chris jumps in. “Any new hobbies you’ve added to your repertoire?”
I clear my throat. “I think that I’ve got all I can handle as it is.”
“Yeah, so how’s the running going?” Eric asks.
He and I talk together for a bit, and he tries to entice me to enter one of the spring races in Madison. “You could totally do it! A five-K? Ten-K?”
“A ten-K!” I nearly shriek. “I can’t do that, Eric.”
“We’ll see,” he says.
Dinner is nonstop conversation and delicious food. I eat ceviche out of a martini glass and devour my scallop entrée, which comes with so many components I can hardly identify what I’m eating. But everything is outstanding. Eric feeds me a forkful of his polenta with basil and cream, and I can’t help groaning over how good it is. I also can’t help noticing with satisfaction that Chris shifts in his seat when I do so.
When they ask me about my trip home, I’m surprised to find myself giving more details than I would have expected. I even tell them about going to the Christmas Eve party at Lani’s and Tim’s and talking to Nichole about applying for an internship.
“Are you definitely going back to Massachusetts after graduation?” Estelle asks. “We’ll miss the fuck out of you if you do.”
Sabin throws his arm over my shoulder. “We would miss you, but this sounds like it could be cool. Besides, if it’s a magazine, maybe they have travel features, and you’d actually, you know, travel. To Hawaii! And need an assistant to carry your suitcases!”
“I’m sure you know just the person for the job.” It hits me that I only have four months left at Matthews before graduation. “I don’t know. A lot can happen in a few months.”
“A lot can happen in a few hours,” Chris adds all too casually. He takes the olive from his martini and winks at me as he pops it in his mouth. Relentless. He is relentless.
I cock my head and glare at him. “Are we getting dessert? I love dessert. Sabe, want to share something with me? I think I saw a cranberry torte thing that looked good. And coffee. Espresso, maybe.”
“Yeah,” Chris says under his breath, “Blythe’s definitely going to need an espresso.”
I clear my throat. “So, the torte?”
“Oh, I’m in! I love me some torte,” Sabin says as he rubs his belly. “What is a torte exactly? Why isn’t it a tart? Is a torte a subcategory of tarts? Why don’t all tarts taste tart?”
“Can we still order it even if we can’t classify it?” I ask.
“Definitely. Hey, B., do you want to come to the show we’re seeing tonight? I can probably get you a ticket still.”
“No. No, she can’t,” Chris says all too quickly.
Sabin frowns.
“I mean, Blythe was saying on the way here that she’s exhausted from her trip. You know, holiday nonsense and all.”
“Oh hell,” Sabin says under his breath. “No way. No, no, no.”
I glare at Chris again. He smiles at me and shrugs.
Estelle and Eric are busy scrolling through pictures on their phones and deciding which ones of Eric are the best to send to Zach, and they don’t notice anything.
When the bill comes, Chris refuses to take any money, which irritates me, but I’m not surprised. He does enjoy caretaking.
Sabin claps his hands together. “All right, little siblings. We have to run if we’re going to make the show. And Chris and Blythe need to get to the hotel so that they can get back to fucking each other to all hell.”
“Oh Jesus, Sabin!” Chris tosses up his hands.
“What in the world is going on?” Eric says. He and Estelle have finally looked up from his phone.
I can’t even look at Estelle because she’s got the most satisfied grin on her face. “Well, fuckin’ finally, am I right?”
This is humiliating.
Sabin wraps his arms around my head, covering my face so that I can’t even see and fakes a soft sob. “My innocent little friend has been violated! Sullied!” He tickles me, and I nearly crash into Eric laughing.
When we all say good night, Eric lets our hug linger for a moment. I realize that he had very little visible reaction to Sabin’s outburst, and I wonder if he disapproves. I brush it off for now.
After we say good-bye to the three in the parking lot, Chris and I climb back in his truck. After just a few minutes of watching him drive, I can’t take it anymore. Just looking at his hands on the steering wheel is turning me on. God, I love his hands. The way he moves, the way his fingers find every spot on my body that gets me hot, the way he intuitively knows when to be gentle and slow … and when to push harder against me, to be strong and firm. Those hands do incredible things to me, and they’ve made me greedy.
I run my fingers through his dark hair and scratch my nails down the back of his neck. I can’t go another second without Chris touching me. I lift up slightly, hike up my dress, and slip my nylons down. I put one foot up on the dashboard. I lean back and open my legs before I take his hand in mine. I push my underwear to the side and set his hand on me.
“Put your fingers inside me,” I say. “Please.” I can barely talk.
“Like this?” he asks teasingly.
Very slowly, he eases one finger in. I close my eyes and put my hands up to my head. I can feel how ridiculously wet I am already, and he’s not even moving his hand. He’s just holding his finger inside me.
“Christopher, please,” I beg.
“Oh, you mean like this?” He briefly takes away his hand and then pushes hard against me, shoving two fingers deep inside. I moan, and he starts moving in and out, slowly and firmly. I have no idea how he can do this and drive, but he doesn’t take his eyes off the road.
“Is that what you wanted?” he asks.
I nod.
“And what about this?” I feel his fingers pull out and run over me a few times before he settles on my clit. “Did you want this, too?”
I moan as he starts to brush a finger over me. He presses a little harder, and I start gasping. The truck stops, but he leaves it running. Thank God we’re back at the hotel in the dark underground parking lot. Chris leans over to kiss me and switch hands, this time yanking my underwear down hard before rubbing me again. His tongue is in my mouth, and I think about how incredible it will feel later when he goes down on me.
I can’t believe that I’m going to come already, but his fingers are on just the right place.
However, I still plan on giving him crap for earlier.
I pull my lips away. “I’m still pissed at you,” I whisper.
He smiles at me and pushes his fingers back inside me. “I can tell.”
I whimper and start breathing harder, and my hands are gripping the back of the seat. He’s moving steadily inside and against me, and I come hard. If it didn’t feel so fucking good, I might be embarrassed at how loud I am. As it is, I couldn’t care less. My whole body shudders under his touch.
“I’m going to take you up to my room now and continue apologizing for not fucking you before dinner.”
“Yeah?”
“You good with that idea?” he murmurs while he kisses my neck.
“Mmmhmmm. And you can also apologize for baiting Sabin the way you did.”
His tongue is slick on my skin and the throbbing between my legs is relentless. “I did nothing of the sort.”
Now I can’t help laughing. “Yes, you did. You were like a dog pissing on a tree, marking your territory.”
“You don’t look anything like a tree.”
“I’m flattered. But that was not nice what you did. And it was unnecessary.” I push him up so that he’ll pay attention for a second. “Sabin is my friend; that’s it.”
He smiles. “I know that. I was being an ass. So now I really have some more apologizing to do, huh?”
Somehow we make it up to his hotel room. I hear him throw his wallet from his pocket into the room, and then he’s behind me, grinding against me. Listening to me get off has made him completely hard. His breath is hot on my neck while his hands unzip my dress and then find the hem, lifting it up over my head. I can feel how much he wants me now. I kick off my boots and he takes hold of the top of my nylons and underwear and kneels as he pulls them down. I feel him lick the curve under my ass as he helps me out of my clothes, and then he reaches up to unhook my bra.