Chapter 1

Razz

Life is like a box of chocolates my ass. Yes, there is variety and yes, some are delectable, but did you forget the nasty ass ones where they think a combination of orange cream and chocolate actually mix.

My life is like a fucked up box of chocolates that ends up with razor blades and drugs to make the perfect combination. You know the messed up shit people do on Halloween and then the parents have to spend hours checking each piece of candy to make sure it’s suitable.

That’s my life.

Everyday I pick up a piece of chocolate and wonder if it’s going to be dark chocolate with caramel in the center or a Reese’s cup with a hallucinogen in the mix.

One minute my lonely little life is filled with bright lights, loud music and the sickening smell of cheap perfume. The next, it’s filled with leather, lingerie and CBT. Don’t know what that is, stick around and you’ll be educated.

I once was a normal little girl with dreams, big dreams. I was going to marry Tanner Burgess, have 2.5 kids and live in the perfect house on the perfect cul-de-sac. Tanner and I grew up together, went to school together and he was my protector. He protected me from the bullies, but he didn’t protect me from him.

He became my tormentor when we were thirteen, the day he was introduced to his cousin’s friend, Sadie. Sadie became his obsession. Every dream I had about him, he had about her. So what does a teenager do when the boy she loves becomes infatuated with someone else? She hides in the shadows and waits. She prays every night before bed that Tanner will notice her tomorrow. She’s available to him when he needs her. She stands at the bus stop and watches as he gives all his affections to the woman of his dreams. She falls back into the shadows as he gets on that bus without even noticing her as he leaves to embark on his new adventure, the Marines.

I wrote him letters for the first two months of his departure, but I never once received a letter back. I dreamt of the day he would come back home on leave and finally notice me. I waited and waited for the boy I grew up with to see the light when all I saw was darkness.

When he came back on his first leave, his father, Rudy held a party at the Southern Chaotic’s clubhouse. I watched as he greeted everyone, but me. I watched as he was stuck like glue to Sadie’s side. I, also, watched the bored expression on her face. I remained in the shadows.

This continued until he returned home for good. Every time he was on leave, I was at his homecoming party, watching and waiting.

You would think a woman like me would have learned that there was no chance in hell that Tanner, now Trigger, would ever see me for the woman I’d become. But, I didn’t until he was everywhere I was but I still remained invisible to him.

Over the years, I learned to bury my heart in concrete and hide my emotions. I found hobbies that took the control from Trigger and gave it back to me even if it was taking someone else’s control.

I waited tables at Trigger’s cousin, Dani’s bar three nights a week and I worked at the Upper Hand a few towns over three nights a week. I worked as a medical transcriptionist during the day.

I’m independent and dependable. Yeah, dependable, but there were only a handful of people in my life that I could rely on while every time I turned around I was bombarded with people who needed me and not in the sense that gave me the warm and fuzzies. It was alwayscan you cover my shift or Razz I’m behind on my rent and I just need a few hundred dollars.

The shit continuously got old and I considered moving out of my hometown and going somewhere I could reinvent myself from the girl everyone used and abused to the woman I knew I was capable of being, but I never did. I guess in my mind I was only good for working my ass off and handing my money over to people that would never pay me back but continuously ask me for more.

So that whole life is like a box of chocolates is shit. Life is like walking through fire and hoping like hell one day the burns and blisters will disappear and leave me unscarred.

***

Today is Monday and I’ve already spent four hours in front of my computer with headphones on my ears as I listen to report after report of people who are either too stupid and end up in the ER because they got their dick pierced and can’t understand that it’s infected after a night of endless fucking only a couple of weeks after it’s been pierced. These are the moments I’m glad I live alone in my loft apartment so no one hears me talking to myself about how fucking ignorant some people can be.

Then you have the reports of the six year old child who has just been diagnosed with an incurable cancer and I want to sit at my desk and cry. It’s unfair for a little life to have to go through that much pain and not enjoy the life that they have in front of them. It’s moments like this that I learn to appreciate the life I’ve been given even though it isn’t what I imagined it would be.

After getting my fill of regret and despair from the reports I typed this morning, I decide to go to the only gym in Cumming, Chaotic Lift. If you haven’t figured it out, it’s owned by the Southern Chaotic’s and is run by Beanie.

Beanie is one of the only men from the MC that I have become close to over the years. He’s a few years older than me and doesn’t take me at face value. He knows most of my secrets because his ass is right there with me for the most part. We share the need to be in control and sometimes I allow him to take control from me.

He’s tall at six-four with broad shoulders and extensive tattoos. He is the epitome of a biker, long dirty blonde hair, trimmed beard and brown eyes that are so dark they could be black if he didn’t have the honey-colored outline around his irises.

If I hadn’t given up on my dream, I would have moved on to him, but we have an understanding. He doesn’t want to commit as much as I don’t want to commit, so we take advantage of each other on occasion, but I know that if I ever needed him, he’d be there for me unlike so many in my life.

As I walk into the gym, I peruse my surroundings hoping for a quiet workout with no interruptions. I walk to the locker room and put my bag into a locker and head to my first destination, the treadmill. I start off slow to warm up and then start to jog.

I am lost to the music in my ears and the ease of my thoughts with each mile I run when I notice the treadmill beside me is in use. I turn my head to the left and almost trip over my own feet. Fuck my life.

Trigger.

He’s in a full run beside me shirtless with sweat beading and dripping over his expansive chest. He’s in freaking athletic shorts that leave nothing to the imagination as they are stuck to his thick thighs and as I bring my eyes from his legs, I get the view of his cock jumping up and down as each of his feet pound on the treadmill.

Yep, my run just ended short. I shake my head to clear my thoughts as I slow down the treadmill and walk for five more minutes. I stop the treadmill and begin to clean it with my towel, he slows down his treadmill. Time to become invisible once again.