Razz
I slept like shit last night tossing and turning with the images of how making Trigger submit was going to be my greatest torment ever. Alpha plus alpha does not equal D/s. It’s not going to work. I don’t care how great an actor he thinks he can be.
It’s nine-thirty and I’m on my sixth cup of coffee. Even the grossest of medical anomalies could bring me out of my funk. Thirty more minutes until I have to put on my game face and this morning, I can’t help the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.
Wanting Trigger from a far might not have been easy but it’s a hell of a lot easier than having his perfectly sculpted body rubbed in my face and not being able to touch. Yeah, I’m going to put my marks on his skin, but it won’t be like my other clients. I won’t be able to take my pleasure from him and I’m sure he won’t find anything arousing other than seeing some of the surrounding skin that will be plastered in front of him.
I’m still lost in my mind war when there’s a light knock at my door. Looking at my cell, there’s still twenty-three minutes until show time. Getting up and peaking through the peep hole, I see a disheveled Trigger continuously running his hands through his dark hair and face. Maybe he’s come to the same conclusion I have…this isn’t going to work.
Opening the door, he stops in his fumbling and gives me his eyes.
“Mornin’.” He says gravelly.
“Trigger. You’re early.”
He moves his head up and down. “Yeah, I wanted to sit down and talk before everyone else got here.”
I step to the side and he enters taking in his surroundings. My place isn’t much, but it’s mine. It’s your run of the mill two bedrooms, one and a half bath, living room adjoining kitchen and a little laundry closet off of the kitchen.
He takes a seat on my couch and I take the adjoining oversized chair with an end table separating us.
“What do you want to talk about?”
“Wha…” He starts but stops as though he can’t get the question out. After a few seconds of pondering, he continues stronger this time. “What happen to us?”
Well, shit. I wasn’t expecting that question. More like,what’s the protocol or what’s the ramification for speaking out of turn since he’s known for being chatty.
“Trigger, I’m not sure exactly what you’re looking for. We have never been an us.”
He shakes his head vigorously. “When we were kids, we were an us…an inseparable us. Then we weren’t and I know I had a lot to do with that, but you used to tell me like it was. You used to put me in my place. And then you didn’t.”
I nod in agreement because he is absolutely right. I had no issue telling him what was on my mind, but when your heart gets stepped on one too many times you adapt. I adapted.
“We grew up, Trigger. We wanted different things and that’s how life is.”
“No. I went to Mom and Dad’s this morning because I couldn’t get the fact that we were so close and then BAM…nothing. Did you know that my mom has a photo album dedicated to me and you?”
That brings a smile to my face because it doesn’t matter how many times I stop by and see Queenie, she always brings out that album that is almost falling apart. “Yeah, I’ve seen it a time or twelve.” I laugh.
“You have?” He questions.
“Trigger, I see your momma once a week. It’s been a standing date between us since I was in high school.”
He looks so confused. “Why do I not know this?”
“It’s not a big deal. Queenie was always there for me when I needed a woman in my life. My grandpa wasn’t much on shopping or anything that related to girly shit. Your momma stepped in. She took me school shopping every year since I was fourteen, to get my prom dress senior year and she was there when grandpa passed. She’s been my rock.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when your granddaddy passed, Razz.”
“It’s fine. You were overseas. You were doing what you needed to do.”
“How do you know where I was when he passed?”
“You’ve been a part of my life in some form since we were in kindergarten. Your mom and dad were so proud of you for serving your country. I just listened when they spoke.”
He pulls a picture from inside his kutte and hands it to me. It’s a picture of a little brown-haired girl with glasses and a tall little boy with dark brown hair smiling at each other with his arm around her shoulders. We had to be at least nine or ten. I run my finger along our faces and think back to when we were in each other’s pockets.
His voice is gruff when he begins to talk. “That was at the clubhouse for our birthdays. It didn’t take but a second to look at that picture and it all came back. Your granddad was there. My mom got a girly ass piñata for you and a motorcycle piñata for me.” He puts his head in his hands and sighs. “What the fuck happen to us? We should still be that close, Razz.”
“It wasn’t meant to be that way.” I say nonchalantly.
“Fuck that.” He bellows. “There wasn’t a Tanner without Razzle Dazzle and there wasn’t a Razz without me.”
“Trigger, you need to let it go. We grew apart. Sometimes that happens. We can’t go back and change that.”
“Why did you let me walk away from you? Why did you let me ignore you?” He queries.
“Because what I wanted and what you wanted didn’t mix. You had your head and heart set on Sadie, and I let you focus on that because it was important to you. Just drop it, Trigger. It’s not worth dredging up all this for something that can’t be changed.”
“I know, but it hurt to look at all those pictures of us and wonder what if.”
Before he can finish, my door bell rings and I’m relieved to get away from him and the tortuous memories of my childhood. Trigger gets the door and in walks Greer and Spook looking as uncomfortable as ever and Beanie with a curious expression on his face, but I just shake my head. There’s no point in hashing it out now.
Beanie closes and locks the door behind him and proclaims, “Time for Domination!”