Yes, I trust you
Millie sat on the bar stool and flicked the hairband she had around her wrist. Anwar thought it might be helpful as an alternative to the pinching she normally did as a reflex to cope with stress. The bite of the band against her wrist worked nearly as well, with less bruising. Soon Millie hoped she would stop even that. But sitting here watching Pav drag the contents of his fridge out onto the kitchen island and stare at it all with his hands on his hips, she was feeling the nerves again.
Since they’d arrived at his house he’d been acting strangely. When they arrived he dragged her inside at a rate of knots and turned her to face him. She was sure he was going to kiss her – then he swore, took a step back, and ran both his hands through his hair until they were linked behind his head and he was looking up at the ceiling. That was when he started his frantic fridge evisceration. On the counter between them sat a sad-looking packet of ham, which was a week out of date, half a cucumber that had seen better days, and a bottle of Lucozade.
‘Bloody hell,’ he muttered.
‘Uh … Pav, are you okay?’ Millie asked, flicking her band once.
‘I should feed you,’ he told her.
‘Why … ?’
‘Because I’ve just dragged you back here. You haven’t eaten supper and I can’t …’
Millie frowned again and gave the band another flick. The movement caught Pav’s eye and he zeroed in on her wrist.
‘What are you … ?’ He moved around the island to where Millie was sitting and stood in front of her to take her wrist in one of his hands. He used the other to smooth a finger over the rubber band. A wrinkle formed between his brows as he leaned forward to inspect the skin around the band more closely. She looked down and realised there were a series of faint red marks where it had snapped back onto her wrist. She pulled it away and shifted off the stool to step back, embarrassed.
‘It’s … um … to help relieve stress without …’ She shrugged and pulled her sleeves down lower on her arms, an instinctive reaction, even though her bruises had faded.
‘But … why are you stressed now?’ Pav asked.
Millie looked down and bit her lip. ‘You’re acting weird,’ she muttered. ‘You’re usually so relaxed and it’s like I’ve made you angry or something and I …’
‘I’m not angry with you, Millie,’ Pav said, his voice back to the gentle tone she was used to with him. Her fingers went back to the band but he moved forward to wrap his hands around her wrists, preventing her from flicking it. ‘I’m not … it’s just I …’ He paused and took a deep breath in through his nose. ‘Seeing you up there. Jesus. It was like an out-of-body experience. You’re always so … controlled, so …’
‘Cold, uptight,’ Millie supplied, knowing that was how people saw her.
‘No, baby, no,’ said Pav, his voice now even more gentle. ‘Never cold. Just a bit closed, maybe … remote. Then I walk into that bloody place, all ready as your knight in shining armour to rescue you from being scarred for life by Kira’s idea of a good time, and I see … I mean, bugger me: you on that pole, your hair flying out as you spun, your legs. I may never recover.’
Millie frowned at him, slowly shaking her head, and he made a low sound in the back of his throat, almost like a growl.
‘Do you have any idea just how beautiful you are?’ he murmured, both his hands going up either side of her head to still the shaking, and then into her hair as he pressed his mouth to hers. Her mind blanked as she kissed him back, barely noticing as he backed her out of the kitchen and towards his bedroom door.
It was only when her calves hit his bed and she nearly toppled backwards that she realised where she was and pulled her mouth from his. She watched as awareness slowly came back to his somewhat drugged expression, and he blinked before dropping his hands to his sides. His bedroom was small but the bed was huge, taking up most of the space. The walls were a surprising dusky orange colour and she noticed multiple certificates covering a large area above the bed. ‘Shit,’ Pav muttered, pacing away from her and pushing his hands into his hair again. Millie felt her hand go to her mouth and her fingers trace her lips. ‘Okay, okay. Let’s calm things down. Take a breath. We can order some food in and …’
‘Why?’ Millie asked, her hand dropping back down and her head cocking to the side as she felt her brow wrinkle with confusion.
‘Because …’ Pav cleared his throat and she noticed him visibly swallow as he looked over at her. ‘Millie, I don’t think it’s a good idea to do anything in my bedroom when I’m worked up like this. Maybe we could choose a day when I haven’t watched you pole dance in hot pants. We could go on a day trip to a sewage factory, or to visit my yia-yia; you could actually wear some trousers. Then we could think about …’
‘You won’t hurt me,’ Millie told him, her brow clearing as comprehension dawned.
‘Millie, I wouldn’t mean to, but –’
‘Shh.’ Millie surprised herself. She wasn’t normally the type of person to shush somebody. But Pav was wrong. It didn’t matter how ‘worked up’ he was, he would never hurt her. And the fact that it was her that had actually worked him up was giving her some rare and much needed confidence. He wanted her. She could see it in every move he’d made since he’d picked her up from the club. She could feel it in the air between them. ‘I don’t want to go to a sewage factory. I want you.’
‘Millie –’
‘I … I want you,’ she said as she walked across the room to where he was standing. She put her hands on his biceps and could feel the tension in the muscles under her fingertips as he strained to hold himself back. He was actually shaking. ‘Please,’ she whispered.
It was as soon as that word left her lips that she could see him snap. She watched his eyes flash as his arms shot forward to her body, pulling her into him and lifting her up so that her legs were around his hips. And then he was carrying her back to the bed. This time when they went down it was Millie pulling him by the neck of his shirt. He hovered over her for a moment as his dark eyes stared into hers. She reached up, one of her hands going into his hair, the other to the back of his neck, then she raised her head off the bed to bring her mouth to his. About halfway she lost her nerve and stopped, her lips hovering a fraction of an inch from his, feeling his hot breath on her face. His whole body was tense, a muscle frantically ticking in his jaw. A few seconds passed before he made a low, tortured noise in the back of his throat and his lips moved to hers.
Whatever plans he’d had to put this off, make her supper, do what he considered was the right thing, were quite obviously obliterated, and his kisses pushed her head back into the bed. She let out a small moan as her body took more of his weight, and he used the opportunity for his tongue to sweep into her mouth. A thrill shot through her. Nobody had ever kissed her like this, like they wanted to consume her, like they were desperate for her. She’d always thought that intimacy would be frightening. Having never been on the receiving end of much physical affection in her life, she thought she would find it intimidating and invasive, but instead she felt powerful and on some sort of high. His smell, the feel of his hard body, the way he moved over her that made her instinctively rock against him: it was so all consuming that the embarrassment, the fear, never had a chance to rise to the surface. He pulled away slightly, breathing hard, his eyes glittering and black.
‘I have to …’ His voice came out hoarse and he broke off to swallow before continuing, ‘I have to see you, baby. Please?’
Both his hands went to the hem of her T-shirt. She took a deep breath, then nodded once. That was all the encouragement he needed to pull it up and over her head, leaving her lying on the bed in just her bra. Before she could lose her nerve, or look at his face, her hands went to the waistband of her leggings and she pulled them down and off, then lay back again, holding her breath.
El had chosen all of this stuff for her. The set she had on now was ultra-feminine, light blue with lace edging. All Millie’s underwear was pretty frivolous in contrast to her conservative dress code. She let El go as nuts as wanted as she never thought anyone would be seeing it.
Pav had levered away from her slightly to allow for her leggings to come off. When she risked a look at him to gauge his reaction, she saw that his eyes had gone wide as he swept them along the length of her body.
‘Bloody hell,’ he whispered, almost reverently, which made Millie feel powerful again even as she felt her cheeks heat with embarrassment. She reached out to him and tried to undo one of his shirt buttons, but her fingers failed her and her cheeks heated even more as she fumbled.
Pav smiled and closed his hands over hers before pulling them away so he could grab the back of his shirt and yank it over his head. He then wasted no time undoing his belt and pushing off his trousers, leaving him in just boxer shorts. Millie had time to take in acres of olive skin over the defined musculature of his broad chest and shoulders before he landed back on top of her with his warmth pressed against her body. He took off her bra with an efficiency that was kind of intimidating, and for a moment she felt a flood of apprehension.
‘I … I’ve never … uh …’ She bit her lip and looked away, apprehension now turning to all-out fear. Not fear of Pav, but fear of failure; fear of exposure; fear of anything less than perfection. Pav must have had tonnes of sex. He’d certainly managed to work his way around the hospital with some efficiency, if the rumours were true. And here she was, maybe the only twenty-seven-year-old virgin in London, lying underneath him.
‘Hey,’ his soft voice drew her eyes back to his. ‘I can hear that big brain of yours whirring away in there.’ He smiled and his hand came up to her face to cup her jaw. ‘We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Seeing you in your bra and knickers could keep me going for months. If it’s too much we’ll stop and do something totally unsexy like eating beans on toast and watching The One Show. You don’t have to …’
‘I want to … I …’
Bugger, she could feel her throat closing up again. Of all the times for her stupid hang-ups to kick in. At this rate she would die a virgin. If she didn’t do something they would lose the moment. She could already see the concern filling his eyes and feel his weight easing off her body. Okay, so verbal communication was out. She would just have to approach this another way.
One of her arms went up around his back and her hand felt the skin over the muscles there, while the other went to his neck and pulled him down. He hesitated for a moment, and in desperation she gave his hair a tug, willing him to move. It worked. His face fell into her neck and he started kissing around to her ear and then down to her chest. A large hand worked its way under her back and lifted her to him. The look on his face as he took in her bare chest was almost wild. His mouth fell to her breasts and from then on Millie didn’t have time for her insecurities. All thoughts other than what he was doing to her were driven out of her head, maybe forever.
By the time they were both naked she had forgotten any apprehension. Her need for him eclipsed everything else. His smell, his skin, the way he held her, the way he moved against her: he enveloped all her senses at once. When he finally sank into her she barely felt the twinge of pain. He froze for a moment until she shifted against him and then he moved. He moved in the most amazing way: at first slow and tentative as if he didn’t want to hurt her, but as her hips rocked against his, he tensed and started moving faster, harder, just like she needed him too, until she was climbing for something. As she fell off the edge of the cliff face she experienced most intense pleasure she had ever felt in her life. It was like some sort of out-of-body experience. Then she watched his face contort and every muscle in his body pull tight as he fell off the cliff straight after her.
*****
‘Bloody hell,’ wheezed out Pav. His vocabulary for the last few minutes had consisted entirely of those two words with the occasional ‘Jesus Christ’ and ‘bugger me’ thrown in for good measure. As soon as the life-changing sex had reached its conclusion and Millie’s eyes had started refocusing, he’d hauled her up the bed and settled her under the duvet, tight against him. Pav was beginning to understand that any time to regroup was bad for Millie. She needed to be kept in the moment with him, not allowed to retreat back into her thoughts. Constant barrages of physical affection seemed to work for him with her, so he was going to employ that tactic with ruthless efficiency, especially now.
For some reason he hadn’t expected Millie to be a virgin. Looking back, though, that was ridiculous, since she’d already told him she’d never ‘fooled around’ with a boy before. Did he think she had just had some sort of odd, only-genitals-touching sex with someone? When he thought about how closed she was before he got to know her and how she shied away from touch in general, especially with strangers, he realised that it really wasn’t that much of a surprise. He kissed her forehead and gave her a squeeze with both arms wrapped around her. His heart still felt like it was beating outside his chest, and he could feel hers hammering against his skin.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked, realising she had yet to speak or in fact make any noise whatsoever. Maybe she was traumatised. ‘Millie? Baby, did I hurt you?’
She moved then, her head shaking violently from side to side. Then, after taking a deep, shuddering breath, she spoke.
‘Why … why would you think that? No. I …’ she cleared her throat ‘… I mean, I think I …’ She took another deep breath and swallowed, before lifting her head from his chest so she could meet his eyes. ‘Thank you.’
Pav took in her earnest expression with bewilderment. She meant it. She was thanking him for the most incredible sexual experience he’d ever had in his life. He pressed his lips together but eventually his shoulder started shaking and the laughter broke through. Millie frowned and started to pull away from him but he hauled her back.
‘I’m sorry …’ he said, forcing his rogue chuckles under control. ‘I’m not laughing at you, I promise. It’s just you’ve got to understand why it’s so funny to be thanked for what we just did; for what you just gave me.’ He felt her stiffen with embarrassment, and held back a sigh. ‘I know that was your fir –’
Her fingers shot up over his mouth to stop him mid-sentence. ‘Don’t say it,’ she squeaked. ‘Don’t …’ He reached up and gently prised her hand away from his face, holding it on his chest.
‘It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Millie. I’m honoured, totally blown away.’
‘I … I didn’t really know what I was doing,’ mumbled Millie, her body still stiff against him. ‘You’re probably used to … I don’t know … sexperts or something, not …’
Another chuckle rose up in his chest but Pav fought it back. ‘Millie, gorgeous, that was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. It was practically a religious experience. I don’t think I’ll ever recover. You might have broken me.’
‘Oh,’ she breathed, as she blinked and then scanned his face, no doubt looking for the lie in his expression. ‘Really?’
‘Really.’
A tiny smile tilted the corners of her mouth and her body relaxed into his.
‘So if you’re done thanking me for the most incredible night of my life, I think we should get up and I should feed you.’
‘Um …’ She paused for a moment and then shocked Pav by burying further into his side and kissing his jaw. ‘If you … I mean, maybe we could … do it again?’
Pav was not successful in fighting back his laugh this time. ‘I’m sorry but that’s not going to be possible.’
‘Can’t you … ? I mean, it feels like you could …’ Millie’s eyes dropped to her thigh which was resting against his excited-again-already groin.
Pav groaned. ‘Millie, you’re killing me. I might be so turned on that I’d be able to defeat basic biology and go another round, but you need to wait a few days.’
‘I don’t think that’s true. I –’
‘We can do other … stuff.’
Millie gave a tiny huff of annoyance and Pav smiled, kissing her temple and then lifting her face so he could slide his nose against hers and whisper in her ear. ‘I promise you’ll like the other stuff. Do you trust me?’
He had asked her that with a smile still in his voice. She lifted her face again to look into his eyes, her face now serious.
‘Yes, I trust you.’
There was a weight behind her words. Pav felt like she was giving him another gift. His smile dropped and he nodded once, trying to convey that he didn’t take her trust lightly. As he pulled her lips to his he decided that supper could wait, at least for a little while.