CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
When her mom got home, Lila was curled on the couch beside her father. They’d been watching a recorded hockey game together. For once, Lila hadn’t been able to get into it. As soon as she heard her mom in the hall, she rolled to her feet and crept out. Her father, glued to the screen, didn’t even notice.
“Mom,” Lila said. “I need to talk to you.”
“Of course, honey. Can you talk while I eat? I’m ravenous. I didn’t have time for dinner before book club. I thought the refreshments would tide me over, but mini quiche? This big?” She held her thumb and forefinger a pinch apart. “Barely enough calories in that to get me home. I’m amazed I didn’t faint at the wheel.”
Mrs. Baxter rummaged through the fridge and pulled out a covered dish. She scooped a big pile of casserole onto a plate. “Want some?
“Better not. I’m trying to watch my cholesterol. No, wait. That’s you. You should be watching your cholesterol. Exactly how many cows are in that casserole? Is it even casserole? Or is it a bucket of meat chunks?”
Mrs. Baxter looked guilty and stuck the plate in the microwave. “There are vegetables in here somewhere, and I’ll start being good tomorrow. I promise.”
Lila had heard that before.
“What did you want to talk to me about?” her mother asked.
“I’m having bad thoughts.”
“About murder?”
“Uh…no, although it disturbs me that you went straight to murder. And so calmly, too.” She waited until her mother was sitting at the table with her plate of steaming cholesterol before she said, “Thoughts about changing my mind.”
“You? Change your mind?” Mrs. Baxter frowned. “Does not compute.”
Lila hopped up onto the counter. “It’s Burke.”
“Burke. Isn’t he the boy you like?”
Boy? Burke? Lila suppressed her grin. “Yeah.”
Mrs. Baxter set down her fork and folded her hands in her lap. “You have my full attention.”
It wasn’t like Lila knew what she wanted to say here or anything. She was confused.
The night she’d spent with Burke had been even better than the first time. She’d expected hours of athletic sex again, but that hadn’t happened. They’d made love the once.
Then Burke held her.
They didn’t talk. He held her, as if she was the most precious thing in the world. Stroking her back gently, now and then pressing possessive kisses to her hair. She’d fallen asleep feeling cherished and protected and—there was no other word for it—adored.
Until he’d woken her at six a.m. on the dot, kissed her goodbye for the last time, and left.
Lila didn’t understand. How could he have left her?
How could he not want more? How could he have held her like that, and been able to let her go?
“Anytime.” Her mother broke into Lila’s thoughts. “You can start talking anytime.”
“I’m thinking. Mom, for goodness’ sake, eat. I appreciate your full attention, but I can also hear your stomach from across the room. You can chew and listen at the same time.”
Mrs. Baxter loaded up her fork with a relieved expression, and shoved it in. As soon as she’d swallowed, she said, “You’re not being bashful about sex, are you? I raised you sex-positive, Lila. You cannot shock me.”
Lila was aware. She was talking to the woman who had high-fived Lila when Lila informed her that she and Billy Hitchin had mutually deflowered each other in their freshman year of college.
“I’m not bashful about sex. I might, however, be somewhat reticent about my emotions.”
Her mother laughed until her eyes watered.
Okay, so in general, Lila didn’t hold back. It wasn’t that funny. “My Burke-related emotions,” she clarified. She knew one sure-fire way to make her mother stop giggling. “I love him, Mom.”
Yep. That worked. Mrs. Baxter’s hilarity cut off with a whoop. “You’re in love?”
Lila glared at the floor. “Yeah,” she grudgingly admitted, and held out her arms for the ecstatic hug she knew was coming.
No hug.
She glanced up.
Her mother was tapping her lip with the empty fork. “This is bad timing.”
“Tell me about it. Hence the bad thoughts about changing my mind and not moving to Seattle.”
“Hmm.” Mrs. Baxter considered Lila, but didn’t add anything.
“This is the part where you jump in with the maternal advice.”
“Does Burke know you love him?”
“Yes.”
“Does he love you?”
“Yes.”
Mrs. Baxter chewed another forkful. “In that case, why is you leaving even a question?”
“Because Burke loves me, but he doesn’t want to love me. It’s not just bad timing for me, it’s bad timing for him.” Lila explained Burke’s situation. “I can’t ask him to come with me. He’s not a big city guy, anyway.”
“And he hasn’t asked you to stay?”
“Nope.”
“Not even hinted at it?”
“Nope. I think he’s serious about not wanting to love me. Very flattering, by the way. We left it at me giving him space to fall out of love.”
“He seems to be quite clear about things, then.”
“Painfully clear. I’d be an idiot, wouldn’t I, to say no to a great new job and stay in Emerson in case one day he decided he did want to love me after all?”
“I hate to say it, honey, but I do think it would be a mistake. I say this while freely confessing I would snatch at any opportunity to convince you to stay, because I want you to stay. No shame. But I don’t think it would be fair to either of you if you turned it down. He’s already told you he doesn’t want a future with you.”
Lila mimed stabbing herself in the chest.
Her mother continued, “You could accept it, respect his request for space, and move on. Or…”
Lila perked up. Yes. This was why she had come to talk it over with her mother, the wise crone. Alternatives, options. “Or?”
“You could stay in Emerson, jobless, and pursue him, all the while hoping that he doesn’t take out a restraining order before you can convince him to fall in line and do what you want him to do, rather than what he wants to do.”
“I was leaning toward sticking with the respect-him plan, but now I’m torn. You paint a tempting picture. I particularly like the restraining order bit.” Lila drooped. “Oh, god. I’m going to go, aren’t I?”
“I think you are.”
“This sucks, Mom.”
“It won’t hurt forever, sweetheart. You’ll get over him.”
I don’t think I will.
“And who knows what the future holds? Maybe you’ll move back to Emerson in a few years to be a comfort and support to your aging parents, who miss their only child desperately. He’ll be single, and you’ll both be in the right place. Close to your parents. Here in Emerson. Near your parents.”
“I’m buying you a puppy,” Lila told her mother.
The next day when she went into work, Lila opened up her laptop, skimmed through the contract one last time, and signed.
* * * *
Someone knocked at his bedroom door. Burke wanted to ignore it, but it was either David or Kurt. Neither of them were going to give up and go away if he didn’t answer.
“Dad?”
David, then.
“Dad, can I come in?” He knocked again. Not waiting for Burke to answer, David opened the door.
“What’s up?” Burke asked.
He was sitting on the edge of the bed, arms braced on his thighs. He’d been staring at the carpet. He hadn’t been seeing the carpet, though. He’d been seeing Lila.
It was a full week since he’d woken her, not without some serious effort, and kissed her goodbye at the scheduled post-ravishment six a.m. as promised. Whenever he wasn’t focusing on work or on the endless paperwork that seemed to accompany buying a house, he saw Lila.
Thought of her.
Felt the memory of her under him, over him, wrapped around him.
“Dad.” David’s hand landed on Burke’s shoulder in a fretful pat. His face was worried, lips pressed tight, brows drawn together in a frown.
“Sorry. What’s up?” Burke moved to stand, but David pushed him back down.
“I don’t know, and it’s freaking me out.” David said as he plopped next to Burke on the edge of the bed, twisting to face him. “Are you on drugs?”
Burke stared at his son. “Am I on drugs?”
“Yes. Are you on drugs? You are withdrawn. Moody. Avoiding contact with loved ones. Your personality has undergone a significant change in a short time period. You are showing signs of depression.” He held his hands out, palms up. “I’m not here to judge. Wait, I am. Drugs are bad. I’m very clear on that. But I want to help. You can tell me. Is it drugs?”
“No, David. It’s not drugs.”
“Alcohol?”
“David.”
“Okay, then.” He dramatically drew the back of his hand across his brow as if wiping away sweat. “Phew. It’s because you’re in love with Lila.”
Burke opened his mouth.
“Please, don’t even,” David scoffed. “I’m sixteen, not six. Plus, the two of you are not all that subtle. If Beatrice and I had come into that kitchen even thirty seconds later, you’d have been having sex with her on the table. And then I found you kissing her in Kurt’s kitchen. What is it with you guys and kitchens? Forget I asked. No subtlety awards for you.”
Burke could win an award for obliviousness, though. David knew? “Yes. I love Lila.”
“And she loves you.” David nodded in encouragement. “I assume you did something stupid, which is why we haven’t seen Lila for a week. I’m here to help you fix the stupid.”
“I didn’t do anything stupid.”
David stood and straightened his shoulders. “Then Lila did something stupid. I’ll go and help her fix the stupid, and then I get my Dad back instead of this sad mopey guy.”
“Neither of us did anything stupid, David.”
“Then why aren’t you together?” David thumped back onto the bed.
“Because we’re old enough to know that sometimes, love isn’t enough.”
David laughed. “Bullshit. Love’s always enough.”
“Not always.”
He set his face in determined lines. “Yes. Always. You taught me that.”
Burke gazed at him in question.
“Like I said, Dad. I’m sixteen, not six. I know what you’ve given up to be in my life, to be my dad. You’ve put me first from the start. Where you live, where you work, whether or not you get to have a relationship. All of it geared toward being able to pack up at a moment’s notice to stay in my life, whenever Mom decided she wanted to move across the country. Tell me again that love isn’t enough. I dare you.”
Burke hauled David into his side for a rough, one-armed hug and ruffled his hair, making David sputter with outrage. “You’re my boy. It’s different.”
“I don’t see how.”
“Lila has a life unconnected to mine. She has plans. Goals. Needs.”
“Nice.”
“Not those kinds of needs. Lila wants things I can’t give her.”
“Lila kinda strikes me as a woman who finds a way to get what she wants herself, rather than a woman who asks someone else to get it for her. I don’t think she’s sitting around waiting for you to give her stuff.”
“Yeah. Lila is perfectly capable of doing everything herself.” Burke sighed. “Except for one thing.”
David screwed up his face, thinking with great exaggeration. “Nope. I’m wracking my brains here, but I’m coming up empty.”
“Children,” Burke said. “I can’t give her children.”
All traces of humor on David’s face were wiped away. He jumped up. “So it’s my fault?”
“It’s not your fault. It’s never been your fault.”
David started to pace across the room. At this, he sent Burke a yeah, right glare. He flung his arms out to the side. “Okay, you can’t have any more kids. Big deal. It shouldn’t matter. She loves you!”
“That is suspected but unconfirmed.”
“Dad!”
“Yes, she loves me. And it does matter.”
David stopped his pacing and faced Burke. His tight shoulders drooped. “I never even thought she’d have a problem with it.”
“Before we even started anything, Lila told me that she was leaving. We always knew, both of us, that this wasn’t going to end with us together. It was supposed to be fun. Simple. It got complicated, as these things do, but nothing has changed. Lila has a new job and she’s leaving Emerson. Next week, I’m picking up the keys to the house I just bought, a commitment to stay in Emerson. Lila wants children. The odds of me being able to give her children are low to non-existent. If I asked her to change her plans, I’d be asking her to change everything. For me. Where she lives, her job, even down to whether or not she has a family. I won’t do it. There is no happy ending here. There was never supposed to be.”
“Then why are you so fucking sad?” David yelled it, face red with frustration.
“I know all of this logically, David, but that doesn’t mean I can shut off my emotions. I’ll get there. It’s going to take time, is all. I knew what I was getting into with Lila. I had lots of chances to not do this with her, and not feel like this. But I chose this, every time. She’s worth it.”
“I don’t fucking think so. Not anymore.”
“Stop swearing.”
“I ruined my dad’s life, I think that calls for a few f-bombs.” David’s voice broke.
“It’s not your fault.”
David turned on his heel and slammed out of the room.