Chapter 17

Dizzy

The kiss was an accident, but I never planned on following through with it.

No, that’s a lie. Why else would I purposely not plan ahead for it with her? She didn’t remember it. I did.

I couldn’t help myself. I know I said our marriage would be in name only, but I wanted to kiss her. I needed to. She has me tied up in knots, and she has no idea the power she holds over me. No matter how much I fight it.

I needed to taste her.

When the subject of the kiss never came up, I knew it would be the only chance I’d get to do it without breaking too many of my rules.

We signed the papers validating our marriage and made the quick drive to the airport in absolute silence. The whole experience was easier than I imagined it would be. McNamara had kept his word, explaining to his superiors the risk I’d taken for them and what I wanted in return. They knew about my concern for Penny’s safety and who was behind her initial sale. They made sure the proper paperwork had been extradited and was waiting for our arrival at the small chapel.

Penny is now my wife and an official American citizen.

My wife. The term strikes my heart, making me feel warm. Too warm.

I have to remind myself that she isn’t my wife in the real sense of the word, something we both agreed on during the early stages of planning. We might be husband and wife, but that’s as far as our arrangement goes, there will be no kissing, no sleeping together, and most definitely no sex. Inside nor outside the marriage.

The plan is to file for an annulment when the time is right, wiping away the proof this marriage even existed. Taking sex off the table and keeping her virginity intact will only help hurry the process.

While the kiss did break the rules, it didn’t change the plan.

Just like the cab ride here, we board the plane in silence, and soon after the flight takes off, she falls asleep. The sound of her soft snores intensifies when she unknowingly moves and leans against me. I probably should right her and push her away, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Besides, it doesn’t count as sleeping together if I stay awake, right?

For the time being, before everything changes between us once again, I want to enjoy the feeling of her pressed against me. This woman does things to me I can’t explain. I never pictured I’d be married, on a plane headed for a remote cabin to be snowed in for at least a week. Until her.

My wife.

The woman I’ve vowed not to touch or think about in that way.

What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

*****

For the most part, the cabin is what I expected it to be.

Small, rustic, and remote.

I look over at Penny, watching as she takes it in and wonder if she’s disappointed. Compared to the suite at the compound, this place is severely lacking in amenities. She didn’t complain when we stayed at the shitty motel just outside of Denver, but I’d never planned to be there longer than neccessary.

There’s something different about her. It started during the drive to Denver. A small glow burning deep inside of her. Now, I see it glowing full force as her eyes take in our temporary home.

I’m drawn to her eagerness and excitement. Which isn’t completely suprising since I’ve been drawn to her the moment I first laid eyes on her. It’s like taking a breath and watching the air fill the body with color and life for the first time.

That’s what it is.

She looks alive.

Penny takes a breath, and I watch as her chest lifts, filling itself with life. The sparkle in her eyes winks back at me, and I step closer to her, craving a taste of the life that flows through her veins. She sighs, pushing the air out of her lungs. It fills the air around me with her sweet scent, intoxicating me on a whole new level.

“Is this where we are staying?” she asks. The sweet melodic sound of her voice fills my ears. I shake my head trying to clear it and focus on the words coming out of her mouth.

“Yeah, it belongs to a buddy of mine. He offered it because we need to lay low for a bit,” I explain, crossing the room with our bags in tow.

The cabin isn’t much. The kitchen, dining room, and living room share the same small space. A wood burning stove fills an entire corner of the room, and off to the left there is a small hallway leading to the bathroom and only bedroom. Originally, it was an ideal place for me, and I agreed to the seclusion knowing I would need the down time after coming off this job. Being alone seemed like the right way to get my head back in order. Now, the small cabin doesn’t feel like the best idea. How am I going to handle sharing such a small space with her?

“It’s great.” She smiles and looks at me excitedly. Her bright blue eyes are wide and optimistic.

“It’s not quite what I know you’re used to—”

“Are you kidding me? This place is a palace considering what I’m used to.” She moves easily around, unbuttoning the jacket I bought her before we boarded our flight. She throws the scarf over the back of the couch, moves into the kitchen, and begins opening every cupboard door, investigating the contents.

“I mean the suite at the compound,” I explain, watching her face light up when she discovers the stocked cupboards and refrigerator.

“That place, as fancy as it was, was just another prison for me. This is freedom.” She pulls out a gallon of milk from the fridge and places it on the counter. She begins searching the cupboards again, this time pulling out a small glass. She fills it with the milk and takes a long drink, stopping only when the glass is empty. She places it back down onto the counter. “Shit, that’s good.”

I let out a gut-splitting laugh. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone enjoy a glass of milk the way you do.”

“I bet they never had to go eight months without it.” She shrugs, taking away the laughter still bubbling in my chest. Knowing everything she’s gone through and now having a timeline, it nearly kills me. It makes me want to bring those sick fucks back to life again just so I can be the one to take their last breaths. It wouldn’t be something merciful as a fire or explosion either. No. I’d peel the flesh off their bones and watch them suffer.

“Where’d you go?” she asks, interrupting my thoughts.

“I hate that you had to go through all of that,” I explain before crossing the room, knowing being closer to her will kill the need to touch her.

“I know, and I know you hated having a part in it, even if you were only undercover.” She’s observant, I’ll give her that much. “But I’m glad it was you. If it had been anyone else, I wouldn’t be here. You saved so many lives, Damien. Those men will never be able to hurt anyone again. All because of what you sacrificed to make sure they fell.”

Guilt and shame of what I did fill me, reminding me that I’m no hero and she doesn’t know any better. She doesn’t know everything I did to make sure I made it to the top. If she knew what I did to Svetlana or the girls along the way, her picture of me would change. Hurting all those people along the way made me no better than the men I was there to take down.

“I’m going to get the rest of our stuff,” I tell her, feeling like the room is closing in around me. Hoping she didn’t sense the secret I’m hiding, I turn away and walk toward the door. “I will drop your things in the bedroom. There’s only one, so I will take the couch. Bear said it pulls out into a sleeper.”

“Damien, no, let me sleep on the couch.” I shake my head. The last thing I need right now is walking out to get a glass of water and seeing her sound asleep, splayed across the bed, pieces of skin showing. Pieces I know I will want to touch, to kiss or caress.

“No, it’s best if I sleep on the couch. Sometimes I get a little restless and pace. I wouldn’t want to wake you up.” It’s not a total lie. I do have trouble sleeping sometimes, and the reasons vary. Lately, I’ve been having flashbacks of my time overseas when I served with the guys. I don’t care if she believes me. “There’s a snow storm coming in. We made it in time, but I want to make sure everything is in order before we settle in for the night.”

I walk out of the cabin and into the cold. The tension in my body eases a little, but it’s not enough. I look around and see the pile of wood Bear said would be delievered before we arrived. After getting the bags inside, I could use some of my extra energy to move the pile closer to the cabin.

Anything to keep me from thinking about the sadness I placed in her eyes, brushing aside the kindness she was trying to give me. I don’t deserve kindness. Especially from her.