I'm not okay. For days and days, I'm not okay.

I want to say that this is like when I heard Caleb talking about me with Alvin Miller in high school, but it's nothing like that. Back then, I admired Caleb from afar. He spoke a few words to me now and then, but we were never close.

This time...

Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe it hurts so badly. I catch myself listening for him at night, wondering if the footsteps padding down the hall belong to his feet. Every time I hear a dog bark downstairs, I go to my balcony to see if it's him and Max. I even came out of my apartment once to greet him, but he basically told me to piss off and then disappeared inside.

I don't understand why he's being so cold. All I know is that if I ever meet his girlfriend, I might claw her eyes out. What a fucking cunt, breaking up a friendship like that. But I suppose I should be mad at him, too, for letting some bitch get such a tight grasp on his balls.

I've been going to the gym with Becky religiously. Working out has shot up to the very top of my list of priorities, but it's not because I care about my fitness so much as that I want to see Caleb. As soon as he figured out what times we're there, he stopped going casually and only started showing up when he had a client so that he didn't have to interact with us.

Becky complains about his distance, but she doesn't feel it like I do. Her friendship has been the only thing that's comforted me in place of losing Caleb. I never thought I would say that in regards to her. That she would ever be important to me.

“Willow,” she tries to grab my attention.

I'm doing step ups right now. Caleb is in the gym with a rather attractive female client, and my head is permanently fixed to the side as I watch them. I spend a lot of time fantasizing about things that I shouldn't. What I felt when Caleb and I looked at each other in his apartment after my assault. His romantic words. The way he touched my face. How badly I wanted him to kiss me.

“Willow,” Becky repeats my name a bit more loudly.

“Hm?” I break my intense staring and glance over at her on the bicep curl machine.

She climbs off of the machine and walks over to me even though the light hasn't changed yet. She grips my arm to stop me from stepping and leans in to whisper to me, “You can't keep staring at him like that. People are starting to notice.”

“Notice what?” I huff. “And I want him to see me staring. I want him to know that I'm watching him.” Because I want him to know that I'm hurting without him in my life.

She lets out a small laugh, her gaze dropping to the floor for a moment.

“What?” I glare at her, though my anger is completely misdirected.

“It's obvious.” She grins.

“What is?”

She bites her bottom lip for a moment as if she's worried that what she's going to say next will offend me. “You're in love with him.”

“What?” My mouth falls agape.

Becky holds her hands up to stop the fit of word vomit that wants to come from my mouth. “Think about it. You've been obsessing about him for days. Every time he comes into the gym, all you do is stare at him. And you're not even looking at him with contempt.

“I can see the sadness in your eyes. The longing.”

“I miss my friend,” I insist.

“You miss him so much that you've been putting off dates with Peter just to come here. You haven't even spoken about Peter in days. You sit at work looking broken. Every time you talk about Caleb's girlfriend, I can hear the jealousy in your voice.”

“I'm not jealous.” I fold my arms over my chest. I'm not? Am I?

Becky takes a deep breath. “I know what it looks like when a girl is in love with someone. I'm telling you, you are in love with that man.” She nods towards Caleb.

“Whatever.” I wave her away and continue on to the shoulder press machine.

For as much as I want to discredit what she said, one of her points sticks out to me the most. She's right about the fact that I keep putting off Peter just to go to the gym. Any time he's asked me if we could do something right after work, I've come back with a firm no. I tell him that's my time to work on my fitness. That's my time to hang out with Becky.

But that's bullshit and I know it. The real reason I've been going to the gym religiously is because I've become obsessed with my need to be closer to Caleb in some way.

I loathe knowing that's the truth, but it is...and I can't change it. My relationship with Peter is suffering because of my need to have Caleb in my life. It's not fair to Peter, but I feel powerless against my own compulsions. All I can do is hope that this is a phase that will eventually pass. Or that Caleb and his girlfriend will break up. Obviously, that would be the ideal situation.

He leaves the gym before us, and my mood dips when he's gone, but at least I'm able to better focus on my workout. The fact that he didn't even look in my general direction the entire time he was here hurts.

After our workout, Becky and I walk out to our cars. We parked side by side, and she faces me for our standard goodbye for the evening.

“I really think you should forget about him, Willow,” she tells me.

“That's kind of hard when he lives right next door,” I mutter.

“That's not what I mean.” She shakes her head. “You tried so hard to get with Peter. You have a wonderful man in your life now. You don't want to ruin that because you're obsessing over someone else.”

She's right. I can't let this ruin the relationship that I fought so hard to build. There's no point to it anyway, especially when Caleb has his own relationship to attend to.

“Maybe we should start going to another gym for a while.” Becky shifts her weight. “Our membership covers several gyms in the city.”

“No.” I shake my head. “This one is the closest to both of us. I'll be fine. I just need to get over this.” To get over him.