I hang up the phone and toss it onto the cushion next to me, sighing in relief. My dad is livid. He’s pissed with Deacon for the stunt he just pulled, and he’s upset with me for contributing to his volatile mood. When Gaetano De Rosa isn’t happy about something, you bet your ass everyone is going to hear about it.
Indie leans her head back, resting it against my leg. “You gonna be okay if I head out for a while, doll?” she asks from her spot on the floor. Indie knows that watching Deac act out the way he did is killing me. He’s a professional, and up until now, has always acted as such. I’m disappointed in him, but at the same time, I get it. I brought him to this. I brought him to this, brought us to this fucked up place where I switch between guilt, sadness, and anger. Same as him, I’m sure. All because I couldn’t fight him or my feelings for him anymore. I didn’t mention to Indie the text message that he sent while I was talking to my dad. I probably should have responded back with a little more than the song, but I’m just not ready to let him in even a little right now. He owns too much of me; I’m weak when it comes to him.
Sighing, I look down at my friend. “Of course I’ll be okay. Reggie is here with me.” I hate that they feel the need to babysit me, but I appreciate the hell out of it—more than they know!
I tuck my feet underneath me and curl up in the corner of the couch looking over at Reggie, who has been on the phone since the fight started. Touching base with the guys I’m assuming. “You’re not going anywhere are you, Reg?” I ask him, hoping that he’s staying here again.
“I’m not going anywhere—you’re not that lucky,” he tells me in his gruff yet gentle tone that he only uses with me.
I smile at him and turn back to Indie. “See, I’m good. Go have a good time.” My world might be crumbling down around me, but I don’t want her to be a casualty of the devastation.
Indie pops up from the carpet and gives me a kiss on the cheek before she heads for the door. “I’ll catch you two crazy kids later,” she calls out. Poking her head back in, “If things go the way that I’m hoping, it’ll be a late night, so don’t wait up. And if you hear screaming, don’t come to the rescue unless you want to join in,” she says with a wink and closes the door behind her.
Reggie looks over at me and I just shrug, and we both start laughing. “You know that bitch is crazy, right?” he asks good-naturedly
“Yeah, I know she is. I love her anyway though.”
I grab the remote and start flipping channels before the highlights from the fight start playing. I don’t want to hear them analyze what has gotten into Deacon. I’m just about to give up when I’m paralyzed by the picture filling every bit of the sixty-inch TV hanging on the wall. The blood in my veins turns icy as I stare into the brown eyes of the man I had thought myself in love with. As my body involuntarily starts, I sit trembling and listen to them talk about things I can’t wrap my mind around. “District Attorney Andrew McAvoy wanted for questioning in connection,” my eyes lose focus of the man on the screen, “to an ongoing investigation involving his fiancée, Francesca De Rosa…hasn’t been seen…high profile federal case.” Heart racing, ears buzzing, I can feel a cold trickle of sweat making its way down my spine. I only catch bits and pieces as I struggle to hold myself together. “Ponzi scheme…McAvoy uncovered over three hundred million dollars…possible human trafficking…drug cartel…his whereabouts…paramount to the conviction of…”
The TV flicks off and Reggie comes into view, putting his hands gently on my shoulders to stop my motion. Without realizing it, I had begun rocking back and forth, my arms wrapped tightly around my body, but not tight enough to stop the quivering that started from the inside and worked its way out.
“Hey now, Frankie, I’m here, girl. You’re okay,” Reggie says softly, squeezing my shoulders, comforting me and bringing me back from yet another attack. Another attack where all I want is to pull at my hair, yank at the memories just out of my reach, grab answers, and run with them. And Deacon. I want Deacon. Swallowing back a sob, I fight to still my swaying.
“There she is. Where did you go, Frankie?” he asks, rubbing his hands briskly up and down my arms as if to ward off a chill.
“I don—I…did you see that?” I question.
Nodding solemnly, “Yeah. Yeah, I saw. Did you know anything about the case that he was working on?” Reggie asks. I shake my head no, rubbing my hands over my face and into my hair, tugging tightly at my scalp, trying to get my thoughts from being so jumbled. “No. We never spoke about his cases. He said that it was a breach of client-attorney privilege.”
“Yeah, well, he always was an uptight prick,” he says, trying to lighten the mood, though it’s the truth. I’d settled for Andrew as an adult just as I had for Cristiano when I was younger.
Reggie stands and paces over to the recliner he’d been sitting in when his phone starts to ring. Silencing it, he turns back to me. “How often are you having these attacks, Frankie?”
Raising my eyes to his, I start to deny it, but see the look of determination on his face and think better of it. “Since the beginning,” barely a whisper. “I haven’t had a bad one in a while though,” I tell him.
“Does Deacon know?” Reggie asks quietly, arms folded over his chest.
“I never told him that I was having them regularly. He knows of only one. I didn’t have many when we were together and if I did he was asleep and I’d had a nightmare or whatever.” My voice trails off.
“Don’t you think he deserves to know? Don’t you think you owe it to yourself? You’re obviously having problems dealing with what you went through and I know for a fact he’s always been your anchor, just as you’ve always been his.”
All I can do is stare blankly at him, because I know he’s right, but if I admit it, I’ll cry. I’ll curl up in a ball and cry until I can’t cry anymore.
“He can’t know right now, Reggie. He can’t. There’s too much at stake for him and he’s already acting reckless.” Determined to get my way with him in this, I cross my arms defiantly. My stance matching his own.
“He’s half out of his mind because you’re not at his side, Frankie.” It’s the first time Reggie has ever raised his voice at me. “You know how he is, and I hate to break it to ya, but it’s only gonna get worse.” What he says is true. I know it is but it doesn’t change anything. I still love him, but I’m still scared and he still messed around with Veronica. All because he thought I was with Cristiano, when all I wanted, all I needed, was him—that night and now.
It’s always going to be him. Even when it’s not.