Simon was quiet. He said little after he kissed me. After he abruptly pulled away.
He disconnected …
I thought it would be clear what he wanted, what made him happy, but when his vibrant eyes found mine in the back seat of the dark cab, en route to our hotel, I understood it wasn’t as simple as that. We would never be two straight lines, hoping one day we’d find ourselves aligned. No, we were like the ocean, with waves that depended not only on timing but on the endless procession of physics. We crashed together with an equal hunger for love, but the same turn of rushing water tore us apart with the turbulence of grief. One thing was for sure: after this feverish night, either way, nothing would be left unchanged.
When we walked into Simon’s room, I watched him remove his coat, then place his camera on the surface of the hotel desk. I stood there wondering what would happen next—talk? But I had had enough of talking—was sick and tired of this red light, green light we were playing. I wanted to remove the lines, let it go further than we’d ever been. He’d started something; his lips had enslaved me like a drug. If this should be the only and last time we’d touch, I will forever chase the memory of it.
There was a short pause before he turned around, and when he did, he found me leaning against the wall close to the entrance. If Simon had had any insight into my demeanor, he would have realized that I was not sure of myself, or what to do next.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Done what?” I flashed him a small smile.
“Kissed you … again,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Yes, you should, and more often. You’re a hell of a good kisser,” I said, and he chuckled. There’s nothing subtle here, so why try to make things delicate? “Good gracious, I don’t think I’ve ever been kissed like that.” I glanced back at him.
All this time there’d been a strong connection between us that seemed to grow. The desire we found in each other—now it was clear, all revealed every time we kissed. We could continue, pretending there was nothing, but what would be the point? It would be easier for me to ignore a big hole in my living room floor than to ignore the magnitude of the attraction we felt for each other.
“Come here,” he urged, leaning back on his desk. When I got close enough, he brushed the strands of hair from my face. “You should always be kissed like that … but only by me.” His voice came out huskily, his eyes matching mine.
“I have no problem with that.”
“Mable, I don’t want you to think this is the reason I invited you to stay with me.” He inhaled a deep breath. “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.”
I liked the way he was looking out for me, trying to protect me even from himself.
“We’re both adults, Simon. I think we know what’s coming next.”
“Is it that obvious that I want you?” He searched my face.
“Yeah … Isn’t that what started this?” I smiled. “Our friendship is built on the founding fact that you wanted me.”
“And you didn’t want me?” He knits his eyebrows together.
“No …” I teasingly pushed away from his grasp.
“Liar.” He drew me closer.
“Well, not at first,” I lied, pulling away from his grasp. I slid off my jacket and set it on the settee across the room. I wanted Simon like every kid wants candy when they see it. But as I got to know Simon, it had become less of a matter of wanting, and become entirely something else. I was in love with my best friend.
“Hmm … as I recall, it started because I bailed your arse out of a jam.” He lightly pushed off his desk and began making his way toward me, his eyes never leaving mine.
“My ass, you say? You got that part right.” I beamed. His lips went up at the sides, and now he was standing tall before me. I saw it in his eyes; he was as nervous as I was. There was a lot at stake, especially because we both wanted to cross that line but didn’t want to destroy what we had already built. Then, for those reasons alone, we were in the perfect place to take this forward.
“I had this vivid dream about you last night,” he began.
My heart started to beat faster, and my legs felt a little unsteady. “Really?” My eyes widened. “What was it about?”
“I can’t believe I’m telling you this …”
“Was I any good?” I pressed on, amused by his sudden bashfulness.
“I … it’s just that I can’t get you off my mind.”
“So then don’t.”
“God, I have this thirst for you … But there are still things you don’t know about me. What I’m trying to say is you deserve so much more.”
He might be right, but I don’t care. There was nothing to derail, not when you gathered enough momentum.
He continued. “I will let you down. I always disappoint the people I care about.” He was inches away from my face, and I could smell the sweet scents of mint and grapefruit. He stood there without touching me, allowing me to cling with anticipation. His eyes begged me, like an undisclosed warning … Caution: proceed at your own risk.
“You can’t disappoint me if I know what I’m getting into. We both know we don’t have time for each other with the lives we lead. So don’t overthink it. Let’s make whatever time we have here not more than it is—we’re just two people enjoying each other’s company.” I shrugged. I was okay with no strings attached. Without any reservations, I was attracted to Simon and felt safe when I was around him. I was here because I wanted to be. There was a spark that started inside me, and I would have done or said anything to keep the fire going, even if it meant that, after tonight, we owed nothing to each other. I wanted to live in the moment; there was no sacrifice in that.
“So where do we go from here?” His voice was low, and my breath was picking up the pace.
“That depends on you … What do you want, Simon?”
“You.” He licked his lips and his eyes grew darker, providing many feelings throughout my body, as though, if he didn’t touch me now, I would die.
“I want your curves, your touch … your mouth on mine.”
The inflection of his tone ran right through me. With his fingers, he loosened my blue scarf and let it slip to the floor. I could feel his warm breath on my face and my heart’s rhythm picked up the pace. He lowered his face, kissing me slowly, but soon becoming intrusive, inducing hunger within me. His hands trailed the length of my body. I knew what he wanted from me, what we both wanted from each other … to lose ourselves.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” he whispered, as a last attempt to put a wedge between us. I know he thinks I can’t handle this, and his concern for me only spikes my desire for him even more. Is it a crime to wish for a moment you may later regret? I didn’t want to think about grief. I wanted what we had now.
“Just stop … stop giving me any more reasons to like you.” I smiled between kisses, and he lightly laughed.
“I promise … I won’t give you any more reasons. From here on out you’re responsible for your own actions. I will not be accountable for any more increased likes on my part.” His hands went through my hair.
“Great, now stop talking and … more …” I said, out of breath, allowing his lips to caress the curve of my neck. His touch was addictive, causing a wave of euphoric sensation that ran throughout my body.
“God, Mable, why do I get the feeling you’re going to kill me.” His kisses went beyond my neck, and I surrendered to my senses.
“I promise I’ll go easy on you.” One by one I allowed my fingers to play with the buttons of his shirt, pushing it off his shoulders, letting it fall. We kissed as we slowly paced ourselves toward the bedroom, removing each piece of clothing one at a time, allowing it to fall wherever it may. No shirt, no pants, my silk underwear lying casually on the floor, everything was removed until there was just skin.
“You’re so soft,” he murmured as we lay in the unmade bed, burning for each other and hoping we survived it enough to do it all over again. Hopefully, we’d make it out alive.
“I want every inch of you,” he whispered as his kisses trailed the length of me. “God, you’re so beautiful.”
“Don’t stop,” I said in a hushed tone, as the water washed over us, pulling us out to the ocean, and I didn’t care if my feet never touched the sand again.