KARINA
The half hour trip home felt like it lasted half a day. The silence was excruciating. Even Dante, who couldn’t go ten minutes without talking, was eerily quiet the entire way. It didn’t take a genius to know Antonio was busy simmering, building and building to a full-blown rage. He hated Enzio. He hated all the Mancusos. I never fully understood the rivalry between us and them. But ever since the Mancusos moved into town, our families were at each other’s throats. I once heard my dad tell Antonio the Mancusos threatened our family business. I never asked exactly what kind of business. I didn’t want to know. All I knew was he wasn’t referring to the family restaurant.
I glanced at Antonio sitting in the front passenger seat. Dante and I had kept my sordid secret for as long as we could. But after tonight, it was all about to get cracked wide open.
It didn’t have to be spelled out for Antonio to figure out there was a kind of history between me and Enzio. God, I hated myself. I hated myself for ever falling for Enzio’s lies. For being so naïve and stupid I actually believed a man like him could have a good side—a heart. If I had been stronger, I would have spared myself all those long nights of crying, not to mention the embarrassment.
I leaned my head against the window and watched the city lights forming a straight line of yellow as Dante sped down the streets. This was supposed to be his night, his birthday. And now, because of me, it was ruined. It wasn’t even midnight yet, and we were already on our way home. Probably not what my brother had in mind for his birthday celebration.
“I’m sorry, Dante,” I muttered, not lifting my head off the window.
“Sorry, Dante?” Antonio sneered. “You’re apologizing to Dante?”
I lifted my head and looked at him while he stared out his passenger side window. “Who should I be apologizing to?”
Finally, Antonio turned in his seat and looked at me. “How about the entire damn family?”
“For what?”
He shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know. For embarrassing the family. For putting the family name to shame.”
“Antonio, stop,” Dante chimed in, but I leaned forward and placed my hand on his shoulder.
“No, it’s okay.” I glared at Antonio. “Tell me, dear brother, what is it that you think I did that put our family name to shame?”
“Please, Karina. It was pretty clear what happened between you two. And the cop? You’re fooling around with a cop? Do you really feel so little for our family values, for our rules?”
And that was the moment I finally lost it.
“Our family values? Our rules? You mean your rules. Your and Dad’s rules.”
“Rules that were put in place for our protection.”
“Protection from what?”
“From our enemies,” he snapped.
“Our enemies? I’m sorry, Antonio, but how the hell did your enemies become mine?”
“You carry the Valenti name, Karina.” He raised his voice, his dark eyes wild with anger. “You are a part of this fucking family, so that makes you a part of everything.”
“You see, that’s exactly it. I don’t want to be a part of all this. I don’t want any part in the family business which is causing this war between us and the Mancusos.”
Antonio glared at me. “Well, you don’t have a fucking choice.”
“And that’s exactly why I’ve tried to get as far away from this family as possible for the last four years. Everywhere I go, I’m nothing more than a mafia princess, the big boss’s daughter, and the little sister of a Valenti underboss. I want my own goddamn life, to live by my own rules, but thanks to all of you, I will never be able to do that.”
I didn’t even realize I was practically screaming out that last part, until I noticed Antonio staring at me like I had morphed into a three-headed alien.
I took a deep breath and sank back into the seat, placing my hand on my forehead. This was why I didn’t want to come home. Everything always went haywire whenever I was around my family. For so long, I’d denied my father by not joining the family business. I thought by not having any part in it, I would have some semblance of a normal life. But it seemed like no matter what I did, my life would never be my own.
Never.
Antonio turned back and looked out over the road. “What happened between you and Enzio?”
I closed my eyes and exhaled. “You’re the genius, why don’t you tell me?”
“I’m serious, Karina.”
“So am I.”
“Both of you, stop,” Dante bellowed.
“And the cop?” Antonio asked, blatantly ignoring Dante.
“Oh, my God!” I pulled my palms down my face in frustration. “There is nothing going on with the cop. Enzio was being a jerk, and Lorik just—”
“Lorik?” Antonio interrupted. “So, you’re on a first name basis with the cop now?”
I gaped at him, partly because I couldn’t believe he was giving me the third degree…and also because I had nothing to say to that. Nothing. There was no way I could explain how Detective Stone and I got to a first name basis. It just kind of happened. Great, now I’m confused.
Again, I turned my gaze out the window, flat-out ignoring Antonio and his dark stare of disapproval. Now that I said his name, Lorik was all I thought about. When he pinned me up against that damn wall, I wanted nothing more than for him to tear my clothes off like a damn caveman. The way his dark gaze raked over my face, the look of pure sexual hunger reflecting in his hazel irises, made everything south of my navel pulse with need.
God, I needed to get him out of my mind. I took my phone from my purse, and I stopped breathing. There was Lorik’s face in a little bubble in the corner of my screen, signaling a new message—from him. My heart wasn’t beating. No, it was pounding against my ribs like it wanted out. Like it needed air.
I took a deep breath then hesitantly clicked on the icon, and up popped the message.
Lorik: 21 Unity Ct #3. Let’s finish what we started.
Oh, my God, did he send me his address? Holy shit. My heart tried to force its way up my throat, my stomach close behind it. And right on cue, I rubbed my thighs together thinking about everything he made me feel back at the club, when he was literally inches away from kissing me. Every fiber of my being wanted to taste his lips, wanted to know what his tongue would feel like dancing with mine. I wanted him to pin me against that wall with his hard body until I became one with the damn concrete. For a few seconds, we were completely swept up by the moment, utterly captivated by each other. But when I felt his warm breath against my wet lips, knowing I was a split second away from tasting him, I stopped. I was too consumed, too entranced by him, by what I was feeling, and the last time I felt that way, I made the worst mistake of my life.
I glanced at Antonio, thinking about the anger and disappointment he must be feeling. It seemed like that day had come, the day the biggest mistake I ever made would come back to taunt me.
When I looked back at my phone, I let my finger hover over the keyboard. Everything inside me was screaming for me to go to him, to take what I needed from him. To forget about all the rules and live my life for me, for what I wanted, even if it was only for one night.
But I couldn’t.
Unfortunately, my life was not my own. I might not agree or like the rules we were forced to live by, but this was my family. Was I so selfish I would jeopardize everything, risk hurting my family because of one detective who had the undeniable talent of getting me wet and needy with a single goddamn glance?
No. Yes.
Shit.
Dante parked the car in front of the house and switched off the ignition. The heaviness of the silence around the three of us was slowly suffocating me, and I couldn’t stay in the damn car any longer.
I opened the door and got out. Antonio jumped out and called, “Karina, wait.”
“What?” I turned to face him.
The sullen look on his face gave me this weird feeling of warning that moved across the back of my neck.
“Dad needs to know.”
I frowned. “Excuse me?”
He closed the passenger side door and started toward me. “Dad needs to know about whatever happened between you and Enzio.”
“Antonio, man,” Dante started, “don’t be an asshole.”
Antonio looked at Dante. “An asshole? Am I being an asshole for trying to protect the family?”
Dante slammed his door shut. “No, you’re being an asshole for not wanting to protect your damn sister.”
“Can you both not see that that’s exactly what I’m trying to do?” Antonio bellowed.
“No, you’re not. You’re being an ass.”
“Fuck you, Dante. You see, that’s your problem. You don’t have a loyal bone in your body. Did she really fuck you up so bad you couldn’t give a shit about your own goddamn family anymore?”
Dante rushed toward Antonio, stopping only a few feet away. His eyes were wild, angry orbs staring at Antonio like he wanted to tear his head off. “Don’t talk about shit you know nothing about.”
Antonio met his glare. “Maybe if you were a little more loyal to the family, I wouldn’t have to bring shit up.”
Dante snorted. “Loyal? You think you’re being loyal right now, Antonio?”
“Yes,” Antonio answered without hesitation. The tension was so thick, I was sure this night was going to end with my two brothers beating the shit out of each other.
Dante took an intimidating step toward Antonio, and it felt like my heart was about to rip through my chest.
“She’s your fucking sister, Antonio. You have no idea what that son of bitch did to her, yet you’re standing here wanting to expose her wounds, her shame, for everyone to see…for Dad to see. Where’s the loyalty in that?”
Antonio stepped back and looked at me with the most bewildered expression on his face. Then it chose that exact moment to start raining, like Mother Nature thought the cold, hard drops of water would be the perfect ambience for this epically disastrous scene.
My tears threatened to escape, and I had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep myself from crying.
“What did he do to you, Karina?” Antonio asked softly, his eyes wide with concern.
I couldn’t look at him, so I let my gaze drop to the ground beneath my feet and wrapped my arms around my chest. I knew what he had to be thinking, and it was nothing like that. It was worse. For four years, I carried this burden, knowing my mistake would one day come out in the open. And here I was, unable to keep my secret any longer.
Antonio moved closer. “Karina, did he—”
“No,” I interrupted him. “No, he didn’t.” I still couldn’t look at him. The guilt was too much, tearing at my soul. Admitting this to Antonio was almost as bad as it would be admitting it to my father.
“Then what did he do?”
Finally, I gathered the courage to look up and glanced between Dante and Antonio. A tear slipped down my cheek, and I took a deep breath.
“Enzio didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t want him to.”
And then the dam broke. Tears stormed relentlessly down my face, and my chest started to close in, growing tighter, making it almost impossible to breathe.
I can’t do this. I can’t face this. Not now.
I darted toward the car and pushed Dante out of the way when he tried to reach for me. I was in the car and reversing out of the driveway so fast, neither Antonio nor Dante had any time to stop me.
While I sped down the streets, I wiped at my face as tears kept on coming. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried this hard.
Oh, wait. Yes, I can. New Year’s Eve, four years ago, when I realized I was exactly what Enzio called me—a little lamb. A little lamb who trusted everyone, who followed anyone who was willing to lead. A little lamb who didn’t know any better, naïve and weak. A little lamb who would follow the devil to the slaughterhouse because maybe, just maybe the world wasn’t so fucked up, and there might be something good waiting behind the door you were about to walk through. And once you walked through that door, realizing you’d been tricked, you didn’t fight for survival. You just lay down and stared at the knife that was about to slice through your throat, and let your soul bleed out of you within a matter of seconds.
That’s me, Karina Valenti…the little lamb.