“Hunter!” an all too familiar voice caught Hunter’s attention as he stood outside the apartment building. He turned slowly toward it and felt a wave of nausea hit as he spotted Vincent approaching him.

“Look, I’m in a hurry. Allen is picking me up for work any minute. I really don’t have time to chat,” pleaded Hunter as Vincent drew near.

“I just don’t want you to shut me out. You haven’t been taking my calls and security won’t even let me in your building anymore,” said Vincent, reaching out for Hunter’s hand.

Hunter withdrew. “So what? You lurked outside of my building like some sort of creepy stalker? Don’t you have a job you should be going to?”

“You don’t understand, Hunter...” Vincent once again reached for him.

“I understand perfectly,” said Hunter, disgust dripping from his tone as he backed away several more steps. “I understand that this is bordering on harassment. I’ve told you I’m not interested. I’ve told you to leave me alone. I’ve got building security on my side, they’ll back me up. I’m sure, given our past history as well, if I went to a judge I could get a restraining order on you. I’m sure as a lawyer that’s the last thing you want.”

“You wouldn’t,” challenged Vincent, all pretext of friendliness had dropped from his face. He glared at Hunter with a domineering malice that sent chills down his spine.

How had he ever thought there was potential for a relationship here? Hunter chastised himself.

“I would and I will if I ever see or hear from you again,” said Hunter, refusing to back down. “Either you disappear from my life or I will make yours hell.”

Vincent backed away several steps. “I hoped things could be different this time,” he said.

“They might have been,” replied Hunter. “Unfortunately, it looks like the only thing that refused to change was you.”

“Enjoy your life, Hunter, you deserve all the misery you get.” Vincent turned without waiting for a reply and walked away. A few minutes later his car pulled out onto the street and disappeared from sight.

Hunter breathed a sigh of relief. Hopefully that would be the last he ever saw of Vincent.

***

“YOU DID WELL IN THERE,” commented Allen as he and Hunter made their way down the driveway of a large house on the edge of the city. “I hadn’t expected them to buy it for such a high price, but you had them eating out of the palm of your hand.”

“I guess it helps that the painting has my face on it,” said Hunter, shaking his head slowly as he climbed into Allen’s car and sank back into the plush leather seats. “I can’t believe you just chucked me into the deep end like that. What if I’d messed up?”

“I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think you were capable,” said Allen with a chuckle as he got into the car. “Besides, selling a nude painting of yourself for such an exorbitant sum is something most art dealers never have to deal with. Unfortunately for you, we’ve got an entire gallery full of these things now. I’ve got to say, you handled that with more grace than I expected.”

“Apparently half the city has seen me naked now,” said Hunter with a shrug as the car roared to life. “I was bothered by it at first, but now I kind of feel like I don’t really have anything to be embarrassed about, you know? How many people can say the city’s elite are paying top dollar for their naked pictures?”

“It helps that Luke knows what he’s doing when it comes to painting,” added Allen.

“I doubt many people are going to want to see me naked before too long,” laughed Hunter, patting his stomach. Allen had greeted him that morning with an assortment of baby items and an offer to help plan a baby shower in Hunter’s honor. It hadn’t taken long to learn Luke had already spilled the beans.

“I think you might be surprised,” said Allen. He turned the car down the winding roads that led from the hills where the richest houses in the city were located. “Besides, there are a lot of people that find the pregnant form beautiful. A painting like that might easily be worth double what we’re making on these.”

Hunter shook his head. “I have no idea how that’s even possible. Who would want to see me all bloated and misshapen and naked?”

“I think you’re missing the point.” Allen glanced over at him. “Pregnancy means a lot of different things. It’s the beginning of life. It’s hope. It’s a future full of possibility. A pregnant person radiates all of these things to the people around them whether they mean to or not.  That’s why people get so excited when they learn someone is pregnant. There’s more to it than just the physical symptoms of pregnancy.”

More than just the physical symptoms of pregnancy? Hunter hadn’t felt anything other than a sore back and a headache all day. All of this talk of hope and possibility was lost on him. Did other people still see those things when the pregnant person didn’t?

He stared out at the city stretched out below the hill. Out there was a world of possibility, of things to do and experiences that he’d never tried before. Is that the sort of feeling Allen was talking about? People getting excited to raise a baby and guide it through its first experiences of the world? If that was the case, then how could he ever feel that way when he’d experienced so little to begin with?

“If you’re worried, don’t be. No one is ever ready to be a parent.” Allen sounded a little forlorn.

“Allen?” Hunter looked towards him.

“I had a daughter, a long time ago. The details of how don’t really matter. She’s gone now. A car accident with a drunk driver when she was sixteen. Her father and I didn’t stay together after that. The point, however, is that for those sixteen years she was my entire world. I would’ve done everything for her.” Hunter thought he saw tears in Allen’s eyes. “The thing is, I never thought I wanted kids. I never pictured myself as a father. When that little bundle arrived and I held her in my arms for the first time, I realized I would have given my life for hers in a heartbeat.”

“I’m not going to tell you how you should be feeling about this baby. I know you’re probably incredibly confused right now. It’s okay. All I’m saying is you should at least give it a chance. Don’t harden yourself to the possibility of change.”

***

HUNTER STOOD ALONE in the gallery later that day. He was surrounded by pictures of himself painted with Luke’s brush. In every single painting he could see the care and dedication Luke had put into capturing the essence of his lover. Every brushstroke had a purpose and that purpose was to highlight Hunter’s features.

There were only a few minutes left before he was supposed to lock the doors for the evening. Allen had already gone home for the day and there were no customers. The display lights over the picture displays highlighted the imagery, but cast long shadows in the dying light that still filtered through the front windows of the gallery.

Staring at these paintings, Hunter felt outside of himself. The dim twilight only enhanced the surreal feeling settling over him. For a moment, it felt as if there was someone else standing beside him. He could almost imagine the silhouetted figure of his own nude form, stepping down from one of the paintings and approaching him. In that moment, it felt as if he could speak with his past self and be heard. Whether or not he would get any sort of answer, however, was up for debate.

“I already know what you would do,” Hunter whispered, still not entirely comfortable with the idea of talking to himself. “You would take Luke’s offer and move in with him. You would help him raise this baby and you would be amazing at it.”

He looked at the paintings staring back at him as if they could answer. He doubted they would have debated that statement. From everything he knew of his past self, that’s exactly what he would have done.

“The question is,” continued Hunter, “what should I do? I like Luke, but I don’t think I love him. Or maybe I do. How can I even tell? I’m having the baby for him so maybe that’s a form of love. But I don’t feel anything for this baby. How could I be a parent anyway? There’s still so much I don’t know about the world that I’m like a child myself in a lot of ways.”

Again, the paintings were silent. What answer could they give him? Would the old Hunter have been understanding of the new Hunter’s plight? Or would he have just scolded him and told him to deal with his problems instead of running away from them?

In a lot of ways, it felt like Hunter knew what path he was supposed to take, but he couldn’t bring himself to take that first step. So many questions and uncertainties crowded in his head that it was almost impossible to shake himself free of them all.

His mother had told him no one ever had all the information when they made a decision. You just did the best with what you had. What even was the best option here? Could he continue to pursue a relationship with Luke even though he didn’t actually want to be a parent? Would that even be fair to Luke, not to mention the baby?

“Thanks for all the help guys, you’ve really been useful,” Hunter growled to the paintings and clenched his fists.

“Who are you even talking to?” a voice startled him from his inner monologue and he spun to face the front door. Luke was standing by the entrance with a folded up umbrella in his hand.

“Oh, just...” Hunter’s voice trailed off and he blushed. “No one, just myself. Trying to figure things out. It’s nothing. What are you doing here anyway?”

“Oh.” It was Luke’s turn to blush. “I’m just here because I thought I would walk you home. It’s raining, and I was willing to bet you didn’t bring an umbrella when you left this morning.”

Hunter peered past Luke and out at the rain soaked streets. He hadn’t even noticed the rain. It had been so clear earlier that he hadn’t thought an umbrella or raincoat were necessary. He glanced at his watch.

“Let me lock the doors and we can head back,” said Hunter with a smile.

It was telling that most of his worries slipped away when he was with Luke. Whenever Luke was around he wanted to lose himself in his presence and just enjoy the moment. Was that love? Or did it just mean he liked being around the other man?

Then there was the fact that keeping his hands to himself had been somewhat difficult lately. Every moment they had alone, Hunter found himself wanting to curl his arms around Luke’s torso and slide off his shirt. More than once he’d wanted to shove Luke against the wall of the elevator and indulge in something hot and steamy. Even their little movie dates were difficult to enjoy when his thoughts were constantly drifting towards what would happen if he hopped onto Luke’s lap right then and there.

He’d heard somewhere that it might be a side effect of the pregnancy, but whether or not that was true was beyond him. Either way, it was causing a lot of frustration and confusion.

“Luke...” Hunter’s voice trailed off as he locked the front door of the gallery. He wasn’t exactly sure what he had wanted to say but he knew what he wanted to do. His entire body was urging him onward. It pushed him so incessantly that he couldn’t ignore it.

As he lowered the shades on the front windows, the gallery was bathed in darkness. Only the soft light of the displays kept it from being completely black inside.

With the shroud of darkness around him, Hunter felt emboldened as he stepped towards Luke. Logic and reason had been pushed aside in favor of sheer desire. What he wanted, what he needed, right now was to be as close as possible to Luke.

“Hunter, what—“

“Shhhh...” breathed Hunter as he caught hold of Luke’s coat and leaned up to kiss him.

Their lips met. Luke’s were still tinged with the cold of the outdoors, and his kiss was timid. He seemed unsure and unwilling to commit further to the kiss. Hunter could feel resistance and confusion coming from him as Luke tried to hold back.

Hunter withdrew slightly. “Please, Luke,” he pleaded softly. “It’s driving me crazy. I need this.”

“Hunter, I...” Luke’s voice trailed off and he looked away. “I want to. I want you so badly it aches, but this...” he disentangled Hunter’s hands from his coat. “You’re confusing the hell out of me. You refuse to move in with me and then you want to have sex with me again? I know it doesn’t mean the same thing to you, but for me it’s extremely personal.”

Hunter felt the sting of shame as he stepped back several steps. Despite this, however, his entire body tingled as his arousal strained against the confines of his jeans. Just the slight touch of Luke’s lips against his own had conjured memories of that same warm mouth around his shaft and sent shivers down his spine. He was grateful the darkness hid the bulge in his pants from Luke.

“I’m sorry,” breathed Hunter, trying his best to steady the hammering of his heart. “I...I didn’t mean to upset you...” Which was true. The last thing he had wanted was to upset Luke and logically, Luke’s reaction made sense right now. Unfortunately, logic was being suppressed by desire.

“Can we just agree to keep things non-sexual for now?” asked Luke. “If you ever decide you want us to be more than ‘just friends’ then maybe we can move forward, but until then I can’t do the whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing. I’m just not that kind of person.”

Hunter groaned in frustration. “I do want us to be more than just friends,” he blurted. “I can’t stand this awkwardness and uncertainty. I want to be able to date you and get to know you romantically and open myself up to loving you. I just...” His voice trailed off when he realized he was shouting.

“You just what?” coaxed Luke.

“I just feel guilty,” continued Hunter, his voice returning to normal. “I feel guilty because I don’t feel anything for our baby. Even saying that it doesn’t feel real. When it’s born, I don’t think I’m going to want anything to do with it. I think I’ll be a terrible parent, and I just don’t want to be involved. But how can I be in a relationship with you if I don’t want to help you raise our kid?”

Luke stepped towards him and, after a moment fumbling around in the dark, he took Hunter’s hand. “Why didn’t you just say something before?”

“How am I supposed to say stuff like that?” asked Hunter. “I can’t just dump all of my problems on you.”

“Whatever happens, we can figure it out together.” Luke kissed his forehead. “If you want to be my boyfriend then that means trusting me with your problems. Then I can trust you with mine. It’s mutual. We lean on each other.”

“I just...” Hunter’s voice trailed off. “I’m still figuring stuff out. I don’t know if I’m in love with you or if I just like you. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to commit to an entire lifetime with you. I’m scared I’m going to disappoint you and everyone else.”

“Do you at least want to try and figure all of this out together?” asked Luke.

“Yes.”

“And do you actually want to be my boyfriend and try to figure out how we work as a couple?”

“Yes.”

“Then that’s all I want from you,” said Luke, pulling Hunter close and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you, Hunter.”

Hunter’s heart pounded in his chest as he buried his face against Luke’s shoulder and breathed deeply. His fear and stress began to melt away and he felt less burdened than he could ever remember feeling.

“You weren’t lying before,” Luke chuckled.

Hunter blushed, realizing his arousal still hadn’t diminished and was now pressing firmly against Luke’s thigh.

“S-sorry,” Hunter stammered and he tried to move away.

“Don’t apologize,” whispered Luke against his ear as he slid a hand down Hunter’s body and gripped the outside of his jeans firmly. “You’re my boyfriend now, right? So let me help.”