20
Take the swing and hope not to miss
[Hank]
Midge sits next to me but feels miles away. My hand covers hers, and she smiles weakly. I have some explaining to do, but now doesn’t seem like the right time.
“Uncle Tommy, take me swinging.” Ivy’s youngest daughter, Emaline, looks like a china doll. With blonde hair and blue eyes, she’s precious as she plays with the medallion necklace around Tommy’s neck. Ava walks over and hugs him over the shoulders. “Yes, swings.”
“All right, you two hooligans. Swing time.” He stands as Ava latches onto his back, and Emaline curls around his neck. Carrying both seems like an unlikely feat, but he nods to me. “Follow me.”
I peek at Midge, who’s chewing her lip, thinking I shouldn’t leave her when Tommy interjects.
“I need help, man. Come with me.” The hint is there. Give her space. Squeezing her fingers, I feel a small relief when she returns my squeeze before I stand and follow my old friend.
We each push a girl on the swings, silent a moment while they squeal with delight and cries of higher. Standing here pushing them and watching Liam, I realize all the things I’ve missed out on with children although these things were never meant to be for me.
“We might as well get it over with. Just ask me so I can tell you for the thousandth time, no.” I’m not surprised at Tommy’s sharpness. I can be persistent.
“I never believed her. I still don’t.”
“Maybe you don’t but isn’t it hard enough. She’s gone. You can’t help him.”
“I still want to see him.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s my son.” The words linger between us.
“He’s not,” Tommy adds, gritting his teeth, but we both know I don’t believe him. Tommy’s been conditioned to say it so often he can’t shift his mindset to the truth.
“How do you know?”
“Kit told me.”
“Oh, and Kit was always truthful.” We both know this is true. Kit’s honesty fit her needs. She wanted me. She needed me. She didn’t love me. None of that was a lie, and I gave in each time despite the last line.
“Look, what difference does it make? He doesn’t know you’re his father. He’ll never understand the concept. Just let it die.” Tommy pauses, lowering his voice. “No pun intended.”
Kit’s secrets went to the grave with her, but I still believe someone knows the truth.
“It matters to me. Let me have a paternity test.”
“Are you fu…serious?” He pauses, hesitating to swear in front of his great-nieces.
“Yes. If he isn’t my kid, I’ll let it rest.”
Tommy stares off into the distance a moment before speaking again. “See that woman over there?” I look, assuming he’s implying Midge. “She wants to love you. Let her.”
“I want to open up to her, and that means sharing everything with her.”
“Like you did about being a rock star?” The hit hurts, but he’s right. I didn’t tell her outright because it isn’t who I am anymore. That life is in the past as Kit should be.
“I had my reasons,” I stammer.
“Let me guess. You wanted her to know you, not the fame, not the fortune.” He stops, and I snort. We both know I have no fortune left. I blew it all. Washed-up musician turns mechanic, that’s how the headlines read. The truth stings.
“Look, man. I loved you then. You were one of my best friends despite the drama with my sister. I tried to protect you both, but you were a train wreck together. In the end, I had to choose family first. My biological family. Kit was dying.” His voice pleads with me to understand, and I do. Brut holds the same loyalty to me as his younger sibling. It’s something I admired about Tommy and Kit but turning his back on me still stings. “I want to be friends again, if it’s possible. I want our girls to be friends because Midge makes Edie happy. I want her happy. I love her. Dude, can you imagine it? Love. Real love where she loves you back unconditionally? It’s why you didn’t tell her, right? I get it.” Tommy swipes a hand through his longer locks. “But this. This Lawson business isn’t going to prove anything. It’s going to be one more reminder of betrayal you feel from Kit.”
I wouldn’t feel betrayed if I knew the truth. I’d be able to let it rest.
“I don’t want any secrets from Midge. Help me out and I’ll let it go.”
Tommy looks off in the distance a second. “And what if he is yours? What then? You gonna provide for him? Take him from his home?”
“No.” My adamant tone makes Ava flinch in the swing, and I push her gentler. “Sorry, honey,” I mutter. Turning to Tommy, I continue. “I have no intention of taking away anything. I’ll give what I can, if it’s what he needs. If it’s what you want. I just want to meet him.”
Tommy sighs. “It’s Sunday.”
Sunday. Kit’s day to be home, sight unseen. My day to visit her grave. My routine to pass her house and watch the light where my son lives.
“You can get old Doc to do it, and you know it.”
“Fuck,” Tommy murmurs, his eyes closing. “Let me think about this.”
+ + +
I return to our sideline set-up where Ivy jostles a crying Granger, and Edie looks up at me.
“Tommy asked if you could help him with the girls for a few minutes.”
“Oh, yes. Of course.” She stands, sensing more than what I’ve asked. Thank goodness. I need a few minutes alone with Midge.
“I think I’ll go feed Granger in the car, turn on some air conditioning.” Ivy follows Edie’s hasty, awkward exit, and I sit behind Midge, spreading my legs around her while she sits outstretched on Edie’s blanket. I want to drag her someplace private, but I don’t want her to miss her son’s game even though I sense she isn’t following it.
“I’m gonna talk, baby,” I say in her ear, not touching her though my fingers itch to rub her arms. “And I hope you’ll just listen.”
She nods slightly, keeping her eyes focused forward on the ball field. Our position reminds me of our first meeting, and I wish I had a mirror to see her reflection, but I won’t pull her away from her child.
“I’m Hank Paige, drummer from Chrome Teardrops. We were the band who played with Kit Carrigan, Tommy’s sister, and the woman I thought might be the love of my life.”
Midge shivers, and I want to touch her, reassure her, but I can’t make this a public display.
“But what do I know of love, Midge? I was constantly drunk, sometimes strung out. Kit was my drug. She called, and I went. We fucked. We fought. It was a recipe for disaster. She shared herself with others, and I did the same. We were reckless. A train wreck as Tommy calls us.” I exhale. “I can’t change my past. I can’t erase it. I can’t erase her. She and the band were my life for almost two decades, and I loved her in my self-destructive way. And then, she got diagnosed with breast cancer. She dried up minus the pot for chemo. I spiraled down. I couldn’t imagine life without her or the band, and I lost them both. I already told you, I asked her to marry me too many times to count, and she always said no.” Midge’s head hangs lower, a hand rising to swipe at her cheek. Is she crying for me? I don’t want her pity. I want her understanding.
“Midge, I understand now why she always said no. I wasn’t responsible. I wasn’t solid. Did you know her first husband overdosed and died? Ivy’s father did that.” Midge twists her head to look at me, and I wipe the tear at the corner of her eye. “It scared Kit. Any other man who got too close might do the same thing, and I was so much like him. Drinking. Drugs. And then…”
I don’t know if I can finish, but I fear I’ll lose her if I don’t.
“And then she did something unthinkable. She lied. A major lie. A life-changing lie, and I just want the truth.” I kiss her shoulder because I need to connect with her somehow. “And a lie is unforgiveable sometimes. But please, forgive me for not telling you everything.
“I can admit I’m an alcoholic. I can say it easy enough, recognizing the truth about myself, but it’s an old stab wound to bare my history. Most of it I’m not proud of, and I don’t want you to see me in that light.”
“I don’t,” she says quickly. My head rests on her shoulder, relief creeping through me. “It’s just a lot to take in.”
“I know.”
Midge continues. “She was a superstar, Hank. If you loved her, no matter what way, how could I possibly be enough for you? You’re sitting here at my son’s baseball game on a Sunday. You don’t get any more mundane than that. And I wouldn’t trade it for me.” She pauses, swallowing. “But I’m not flashy, or fashionable, or famous. I can’t…” She hesitates but doesn’t add what she wishes to say.
“I don’t want you to be famous. You’re plenty flashy, lady, and I know nothing about fashion, so what do I care? Go naked.” I stop. “Wait, not in front of others because I want you all for me. I want you, Midge.”
She nods slowly, but her eyes remain sad.
“Middy?” I question, but Edie’s voice interrupts us.
“That’s it, girls’ night out.”
“Darlin’,” Tommy asks, holding Emaline on his hip and Ava’s hand beside him.
“We need some girl time—Ivy, Midge, and me. Call Gage and tell him tough shit, he’s getting his kids. You can help him. Maybe Hank wants to hang as well.”
“Darlin’, it’s pasta night.” I’m sensing a ritual, and Tommy doesn’t look too pleased.
“Not tonight, baby. Us girls need each other.” Edie smiles weakly at Midge, and Midge nods in return.
“Want to come over for a bit?” Tommy addresses me as way of giving in. Maybe he does want to be friends again.
I cup Midge’s face, turning her to look at me. She’s trembling, and I reach for my shirt draped over the arm rest of a chair. Slipping it over her, I say, “Damn, I knew I’d like you in my clothing, but not when you look so sad.”
She lifts the cuff and inhales while I watch her wrap her arms around herself.
“I think I need to go with them,” she says, and my heart plops to my gut. She’s going to walk away from me. And somehow, losing Midge seems worse than ever being rejected by Kit.