The fire burning inside of Kelly felt a little relief as her tongue slipped into Jake’s mouth. It wasn’t much, but it told her she’d made the right choice to follow him when she saw him dart towards the door.

She’d kept an eye on him as he walked over to talk to Curtis and Hannah. It was clear the conversation didn’t go well when she saw him stalking off out the corner of her eye. She feigned being overwhelmed and needing some fresh air. The fresh air was nice, but more than anything, she wanted to feel Jake against her.

The bump of coke she’d taken before the visitation had given her a strong enough high to make it through the visitation without collapsing in tears, but coke made her hornier than hell, and she needed some relief. She’d almost come undone when she noticed him standing in the line waiting to see her. Before seeing him, she’d decided to just play eeny, meeny, miny, moe and pick a guy to fuck.

Leaning back into the passenger seat, Kelly considered how in the world she was going to convince Jake to have sex in the confines of the car. She closed her eyes, and her mind drifted to the last time she saw her sister. She’d been trying to push the memories away, afraid she’d break down, but they finally caught up with her.

Brian was missing from the dinner table, which Kelly thought was odd. Kirsten just smiled and shook her head when she saw her sister’s eyes dart to the empty chair a few times. The kids didn’t seem to care their father wasn’t enjoying fried chicken alongside them, but for some reason it disturbed Kelly.

“I thought family dinner was a mandatory thing with you guys.”

Kelly always pictured them all together, talking about how their days had been and making plans for the weekend, or some silly mushy family stuff. Kelly couldn’t remember having a dinner like that herself, but she never had the perfect life her sister had.

“Daddy is always late,” Fiona said, just before she shoved a spoonful of mashed potatoes in her mouth.

Looking over to the girl briefly, Kelly raised her brow as she returned her gaze to her sister. Kirsten hadn’t lost her smile. There was something about that smile that made a person think that everything would be okay. Fiona’s words made Kelly wonder if that really was the case.

Kirsten and Brian had come home from work together, but Brian had quickly disappeared. Kelly had been imposing on them for days, and it was the first time Brian hadn’t been around for dinner.

“He’s not always late,” Kirsten said, rolling her eyes slightly. “He just has a poker game Tuesday nights.”

Studying her sister for any signs there was something more going on proved fruitless. There was no reason to believe Fiona’s quick remark over her mother’s, but Kelly wondered how perfect her sister’s life was. Everything she’d seen up to that night made her think of a high-powered couple who somehow managed to have the ideal family life.

The fact that it seemed so foreign to her had to be why she considered there was something wrong with Fiona’s statement. The little girl didn’t seem to care that her father wasn’t there, so Kelly had to be reading too much into the situation.

“One of these days, you’re going to have to share your secret with me.”

Kelly said the words with a smile of her own, but a quick flash of fear in her sister’s eyes made her rethink what she’d said. The disturbance was quickly erased, and Kelly wondered if she imagined it.

“I know we don’t talk about it, but it’s great to see you looking healthy. It gives me hope that one day, I will be sharing my secrets.”

It was hard not to scoff. Kelly looked better than she had in a long time, but she had a long way to go to be considered healthy by most people. Since they were kids, people always said she and Kirsten could be twins, but Kelly doubted anyone would think that if they saw the two of them together these days.

“Kelly. What’s going on?”

The words were out of place, so Kelly ignored them. The male voice saying them wasn’t Brian coming in the front door, so she had no idea where they were coming from.

“Fuck,” Jake said. Something in the tone of the word made her realize who was interrupting her trip down memory lane.

A noise she couldn’t place made her groan. Her eyes blinked a couple of times then opened, angry that someone had dared mess with the last moments she had with Kirsten.

Kelly’s brow furrowed when she realized Jake was snapping his fingers in front of her face. The furrow deepened when she put together that she was in the passenger seat of his car. She looked around, trying to figure out what was going on. The memories had felt so real.

“What the fuck is going on?” she asked.

She looked out the window and verified they were indeed still in the parking lot. There was a whole lot not adding up, and Kelly hated when she had that feeling.

“I’m pretty sure I should be asking you that.” Jake’s voice was calm, much calmer than Kelly’s shrieking question. “I was getting ready to leave, then you jumped in, kissed me and passed out. Just before I took off to go find help, you started mumbling. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but your eyes began moving, so I figured you were coming to.”

Kelly blew out a breath. She’d passed out. A part of her was happy she hadn’t made a complete idiot of herself, because her plans for coming to the car didn’t consist of her drifting to sleep as she thought about her sister.

“Sorry about that.”

She relaxed into the soft black leather seat and took a deep breath. It had been a rough week, and things were only just beginning for her. She had one more hit, which she planned to use during the funeral. After that, her life was being uprooted and seeking oblivion with the coke wasn’t going to be an option.

“Sorry about what?” Jake asked, concern evident in his voice. “What exactly just happened?”

Kelly giggled and scoffed at the same time. The resulting sound was close to a snort, but overall sounded more like someone choking.

“We’ll go with the weight of everything just got to me, and I passed out.”

Kelly had been doing good with her avoidance, right up until the moment Jake reached over and grabbed her chin, turning it so she had no choice but to look at him. The touch was soft, something Kelly could’ve fought against if she had enough energy, but passing out had drained the reserve she was using.

“Your pupils are still huge, so I’m guessing the drugs haven’t worn off yet. What exactly did you take?”

Her eyes narrowed at his prognosis. Where did he get off asking a question like that? Her mind thought the question, but her mouth went right ahead and answered him.

“It was a microscopic bump of coke to get through standing around for hours hearing how great my sister was. I know how great she was. I don’t need a hundred people reminding me I’m a screw up, and the good sister died.”

Kelly didn’t think the coke was that big of a deal. She’d done a couple of other hits over the last few days when things started feeling like they’d crush her. It wasn’t like when she’d been modeling, and coke was laid out on about every flat surface to snort. Flat surfaces weren’t technically needed, since she’d taken lines off various body parts as well.

The drug helped take away any food cravings, a necessity when being thin helped guarantee the phone kept ringing. It also took away any inhibitions, something she’d learned the first time her agent gave her a hit.

Jake ran a hand over his face as he shook his head. The hand holding her chin had dropped as soon as he got a good look at her eyes, but Kelly hadn’t turned away. She should’ve kept her mouth shut. The guy didn’t need to know why she did what she did.

He was just a guy, who for some reason thought he needed to show up at her sister’s visitation. She should’ve been pissed about him just popping in, something that became clearer as she sat there and thought about it. What in the world did he think he’d gain from showing up?

She’d made it clear she wasn’t interested. Technically, she had conveyed that, but she was interested. At least she thought she was. Her head was so mixed up from trying to process the car accident and the fact that Kirsten was no longer there.

Kelly’s chest tightened as she thought about it. The nice thing about the coke was that it made her feel better for a while, but once it started to wear off, things came rushing back in, avalanche style. That had to be why the memories came to the surface.

“I’m not going to pretend to know what you need right now.”

“Good,” Kelly interrupted before he could finish the thought. The interruption didn’t keep him from continuing.

“But is cocaine really the right move here?”

Kelly rolled her eyes. The movement made her dizzy for a second, causing her right arm to reach out and touch the dash to make sure she was grounded. She wasn’t feeling great, whether that was from the coke or just being run down was up for interpretation.

“When the person closest to you dies, and you find out you’re stuck raising her kids, after you gave up your rights to be a parent to anyone years ago.” She stopped for a second to take a breath. “Maybe then you can lecture me about whether trying to reduce some of my grief and stress, at least temporarily, is the right move.”

She’d planned to stick around for a little while to make sure Fiona and Simon were settled in with Brian’s parents, but her whole life got overthrown when her sister’s lawyer called. Since Kirsten and Brian were both lawyers, of course they had wills all ready to go, just in case. For some crazy reason, instead of being logical, Kirsten had named her as the kids’ guardian in case of her and Brian’s death.

It made no sense. Kirsten knew Kelly wasn’t meant to be in charge of anyone. She couldn’t even take care of herself. And while her sister hadn’t been there when Kelly signed the rights of her own child away, Kirsten knew how hard it had been for her to even make it through the pregnancy. Kelly’s first stint in rehab was the only reason the baby had made it to term, and even then, Kelly had no idea if things turned out okay for him or her.

Shaking her head, she tried not to think about it. She never thought about those days and had done everything she could after the fact to forget them, but hearing she was in charge of Fiona and Simon made it hard not to think about how unfit she was as a parent.

Kelly remembered sitting in the attorney’s office and blanking out. She hadn’t even been high at the time. He’d started talking about the needs of the children and how Kirsten thought she was best suited for the job. Kelly’s mind had liquefied and started leaking out her ears. Obviously, based on the lack of brain matter on her clothes after the fact, that hadn’t really happened, but it sure as hell felt that way.

Tired of defending her actions to Jake, she reached for the door to get out. The clock on the dash said it was eight o’clock, which meant standing around all the other mourners was over. She could take the kids home and try to figure out how in the world she was going to take the place of their mom and dad. Fiona sort of understood what was going on, but both of them seemed oblivious to why everyone kept telling them they were sorry.

A big hand closing over hers stopped her from getting the door fully opened. Jake took her hand and raised it up to his mouth for a soft kiss. The move was odd for their level of intimacy, but somehow it felt right.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know about the kids and everything.”

The compassion, which only seemed to falter when he’d gotten preachy about the coke, was strong in his brown eyes. She didn’t think for a second that knowing she was in charge of kids changed the fact that he didn’t approve of her snorting away her pain. Kelly didn’t approve of it herself. She just didn’t know of another way to battle the challenging times, so she could at least attempt to move forward.

She didn’t say anything. What was there to say?

Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m sure I’ll be okay.

It would be a lie, and she was sure he would see right through it. What she really needed, was her sister to answer the phone when she called her number and tell her it would be okay. She’d called her sister’s cell phone at least thirty times, just to hear her voice, hoping that she would pick up, and it would all be a dream.

“Would it be okay if I gave you my number? I know there were hundreds of people in there today paying their respects, so there’s probably someone you’ll call before me if you need help. But, I would feel better if you had it and knew you could use it.”

Kelly thought about the request. She’d shaken hands with all those hundreds of people, but she’d only known a handful of relatives and acquaintances she ran into maybe once a year, if that. Many of them mentioned something along the lines of “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

She hadn’t taken any of them seriously. It was the phrase you were required to say when someone died. She remembered hearing it over and over at her mother’s funeral, and not one of those people had been there when Kelly had let the drugs take over her life. At that point, it wasn’t just coke. She was mixing all sorts of drugs together just to make it through the day.

It had been Kirsten who’d finally gotten her the help she needed. It took more than one stint in rehab, but she’d gotten clean and eventually even started looking healthy. Kelly cast her eyes down, thinking about how disrespectful it was that she’d turned to drugs again to help her make it through. It wasn’t the same, but her sister had been there for her, and Kelly had been taking temporary checkouts when her sister needed her most.

The deep thoughts and regret were a clear sign she was coming down. There was a time when she’d feel the slump coming and boost herself back up, but she couldn’t be that person anymore.

“I’d like that,” she said as she squeezed his hand. After the quick kiss, he hadn’t let go of it. “But, I don’t have my phone on me, so I can’t plug it in. Why don’t I give you my number, then you can text me and I’ll have it?”

He let go of her hand and lifted his pelvis to dig his phone out of his back pocket. Kelly shook her head, unsure how in the world it was comfortable to sit on the phone. From what she’d observed, his ass was like stone, so sitting on the phone was liable to break it.

She quickly typed in the number after he handed her the phone and gave it back. There was a chance it was a mistake, but Kelly had a good feeling about the guy. Shoot, they’d only spoken for maybe twenty minutes and that had been enough to make him want to come to a visitation to check on her. Either he was a stalker of the highest order, or for some reason he decided he cared about her. On her side of things, she felt a weird connection with him that seemed worth exploring.

Leaning over, she kissed him on the cheek and rested her head against his for a second. She was tired, and for that second, the gesture just felt right. As soon as she left the car, everything she did had to be about the two kids she was now in charge of. She shook her head. She had no idea what her sister was thinking, but until someone came to their senses for her, Kelly would follow her wishes.