Whatever you do, do it with your whole heart.
Lemon Fair, the Queen of Meringue
ELLIE
I didn’t do much other than cry those first few days. Entering my apartment had been surreal—as if the space had existed in another lifetime. In some respects, I supposed that was accurate.
The pain of leaving Gabriel was so acute it was a physical ache, and I felt as if my body and soul were being pinned under a heavy boulder. I hurt everywhere, my flesh and bones, and deep down to my very spirit. I knew in my heart what I’d done was right for both of us, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t agonizing.
I felt scared and so incredibly lonely, and I figured I’d flounder. But I’d known sitting by the window in the darkness of Gabriel’s bedroom, listening to the soft sounds of his breathing: It was a floundering I had to do alone. I was lost and the only one who could save me was myself. It wasn’t fair to either of us for me to hide behind Gabriel—both physically and emotionally—rather than facing the world.
And I had to set him free to choose Chloe if she was the woman he was meant to be with if life’s timing had been different. I pictured them together again like they were that day at the Morlea Fall Festival—how happy and beautiful—and I knew in my gut that to deny him the opportunity for a life like that would be selfish. I loved him, his heart and his soul, and I cared for his happiness above my own. I wanted the very best for him, even if it wasn’t me. Still, it was a sharp knife impaling my most tender spots to picture him loving her, to imagine his hands moving on her body the way they’d moved on mine, to see them married, with sweet little brown-haired children. I clenched my eyes shut against the vision, pushing it away. It would do me no good to dwell on such things.
I’d called my landlady as soon as I’d arrived to thank her for being so patient with me and to tell her I had my overdue rent payment—dropping a check for two months’ worth in the mail to bring it up to date. I’d only earned three weeks of pay from my work at the quarry office, and I needed to make sure I had enough to get my car out of the garage and to buy groceries until I could find another job. With the thought of bills and job hunting, a fresh wave of fear and loneliness swept over me, but I was determined to figure something out. I had to, God, I had to. If Gabriel had taught me anything, it was that life didn’t have to be filled with pain and doubt all the time. There was something lovable about me; Gabriel had shown me that, too. I just needed to figure out what it was and maybe, oh God, maybe find a way to love myself.
My entire life had shifted under my feet, and I hadn’t known what to grasp on to, what to clutch so I didn’t fall. I had no idea how to get my bearings. And so I’d grabbed onto the only thing solid in my life: Gabriel. I’d grown emotionally dependent on him in a way I knew wasn’t healthy for either of us. Every small thing caused me to doubt and to hurt, and to feel a thousand insecurities that might not even be real. I’d ceased being able to tell, and I knew in my heart that my desperate sort of clawing love would end up as a kind of prison for Gabriel. I loved him far too much to subject him to a second life sentence. He’d already experienced one. Leaving was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but it was right. I knew it was right.
And so after a couple of days of allowing myself to wallow in pain, I got up and cleaned my apartment, scrubbing every nook and cranny and opening the windows for a short time to air it out with the cold fall wind.
I called the garage where my car was being kept and told the guy who answered the phone I was coming by to pick it up. I put on my sneakers and jacket and made the two-mile journey. I had woken up with a crick in my neck, and it got worse as I walked. My leg pained me a little and my stride grew slower and slower, but despite my aches, it felt great to exercise, and the brisk air felt good in my lungs.
Ricky was at the front desk when I walked into the small front office of the garage, the smell of coffee and motor oil hitting my nose, the heat of the interior space warming me immediately. Ricky smiled warmly. “Well, look who it is. You look great.”
I smiled back as Ricky came from behind the counter and gave me a quick hug. “Hi, Ricky. Thanks so much for keeping my car. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get here.”
He shook his head as he returned behind the desk, digging through a drawer and pulling out a key with my name scribbled on the large tag. He handed it across the counter. “When I told my dad you were coming in, he told me not to charge you. Said you’d been through enough.”
I blinked in surprise. “Thank you. Oh, I … well, I couldn’t—”
“You can. And seriously, get out of here before my tight-ass dad changes his mind.” He laughed, and a burst of warmth filled my chest. I put my hand over my heart as if I’d be able to feel the heat emanating from the inside.
“Thank you, Ricky. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I … will you thank your dad for me, too?”
“Sure will. Your car’s at the back left of the lot. You take care of yourself, okay?”
I nodded, trying my best to hold back the tears. “I will.” And I meant it. Or at least I was going to give it my best damn try.
Once I’d let myself into my car, I turned the key in the ignition and listened as it came easily to life. I leaned my head back on the seat and felt thankful. The money Ricky and his dad had saved me meant so much to me right now.
As I passed through the downtown area on my ride home, I spotted a sign advertising ten dollars off pedicures at the nail shop I’d gone to once in a while when I had a little extra money. It was a small extravagance I’d afforded myself now and again. I certainly didn’t have the extra cash now, yet I pulled my car over into an empty spot across the street, rolling my sore neck on my shoulders. God, sitting in the massage chair while soaking my feet in warm water sounded so wonderful; I stared at the shop window longingly as if I were walking through the desert and it was a lush, green oasis.
I shouldn’t even spend twenty-five dollars on something that wasn’t a necessity, and yet I’d anticipated having to part with two hundred and fifty dollars for my car that I now had in my pocket. Surely Ricky and his dad wouldn’t mind my spending a small bit of it on a brief hour of pampering. Just this one thing, nothing more.
I crossed the street and walked into the busy shop. Lien Mai called a greeting from her spot at a pedicure table where she was using an electric file on an older woman’s acrylic nails. “Long time no see, Crystal. You need pedicure?”
“Hi, Lien. Yes, but it looks like you’re busy.”
“Nah. Canceled appointment. You sit down.” She nodded to the large black massage chair at the end of the row. Ah, sweet heaven. I walked to it, and a petite girl with long, pin-straight black hair smiled politely at me and started filling the basin with warm, soapy water. I sat down and turned on the rolling back massage and sighed as I sunk back into it, submersing my feet in the water.
“What color?” the girl asked, referring to polish.
I closed my eyes. “I don’t care. You pick.”
She giggled softly. “You need this, yeah?”
I smiled without opening my eyes. “Yes.”
When she rubbed the grainy exfoliating cream into my feet and calves, an ache rose so strongly in my chest, I almost gasped. I pictured Gabriel’s beautiful hands moving on my skin, and for a second, the pain of my yearning for him was so intense, I didn’t know if I could make it to the next moment. I focused on my breathing, and after a few minutes, the worst of it passed, and it felt manageable again.
I listened to the chatter and the busyness of the shop as my muscles loosened beneath the chair’s mechanical ministrations. The phone rang incessantly and sometimes it was answered, but mostly it seemed that it wasn’t. “Don’t you have someone to answer your phones?” I asked the girl sitting on a small stool at my feet.
She shook her head. “No. Lien want hire someone but too busy.”
A flutter of excitement moved through me. “I have experience answering phones.”
She looked up at me. “Oh yeah?” She turned toward Lien. “Lien, she want job answering phones.”
Lien was just saying goodbye to the woman in front of her, and they both stood, Lien working to bring herself upright. Once her body wasn’t being obscured by the table, I noticed she was about fourteen months pregnant. My eyes widened. “Oh yeah? You want job, Crystal?” She walked over to my chair and stood next to it, one hand on her lower back.
“Yes. I’d love a job. I have experience answering phones. I recently worked at the quarry over in Morlea. I can provide a reference.”
“Hmm. Okay. You come back tomorrow and we try you out.”
Worry settled in my gut, but I smiled and nodded. I could do this. I could try. It felt like the opportunity had fallen into my lap, almost as if it was meant to be.
When Lien had walked away again, I whispered to the girl, “How pregnant is she anyway?”
“She have eight week left.”
I held my gasp inside. Oh, dear Lord. There was no way her tiny body could get any bigger than it was now.
The next day when I arrived back at the shop, I was nervous, but after an hour or so, I had a good handle on the phone system, and I was taking messages and scheduling appointments as if I’d been there for months. It was busy and the walk-ins were constant, but I handled it.
The longer the day went on, the more accomplished I felt, and when Lien came up to the desk at three, she told me to go into the back office and sign the new-hire paperwork. I felt giddy with happiness, and the first thought that came to my head was, I have to call Gabriel and tell him! But then reality came flowing back, causing me to stumble slightly and clench my eyes shut with sadness. I made a stop in the restroom to get my bearings before heading to the back room that served as Lien’s office. “Lien, I have to tell you something before I fill out this paperwork.”
“What that?”
“Well, my name isn’t really Crystal. It’s Eloise. Ellie for short.”
She regarded me for a moment and finally nodded. “That good. You better Ellie anyway.”
A short laugh bubbled up in my throat. God, I hoped so. I really did.