Iwoke up on Saturday and shuffled to my office, planning to put in a few hours of work before I got on with the rest of my weekend. I punched the code into the keypad, but suddenly had a change of heart.
I didn’t feel like hacking into servers and analyzing code today. I didn’t want to get lost in a cyber black hole and let the day pass me by. I needed to go to the grocery store to restock my pitifully empty kitchen cupboards and fridge, and to the hardware store for some paint for my bathroom.
First, however, I was going to go outside and finally get the flower beds completely cleaned up. I’d pulled the biggest weeds last week, but we’d had some good rain showers since then, and the little ones I’d left were now nearly as big as the ones I’d gotten rid of.
I got dressed, ate a bowl of cereal, and pulled on my gardening gloves. Then I pulled them back off and fished my phone out of my back pocket. It was time to stop thinking about it and just do it.
I brought up Jude’s and my text thread. My thumbs froze for a moment, but I forced myself to type out the message. When my right thumb hesitated again before pressing send, I willed it to move, sending the text to Jude’s phone before I could think too hard and chicken out.
I’d like to talk to you. Let me know when you have time.
Gloves back on, I walked determinedly out the door to the flower beds by the front porch. I refused to sit and stare at my phone. Jude would reply when he felt like it—maybe—but I could at least take out my frustration on the weeds while I waited.
***
I’ll let you know.
That’s how Jude responded a few hours after I’d sent my text. I mean, could a brush-off be any more obvious?
I knew I wasn’t in a position to be peeved, not after I’d put him on ice for two weeks. But I was peeved, and I got pretty aggressive with the weeds in the last flower bed. Didn’t he even want an explanation? Was he already so over me that he no longer even cared why I’d backed off?
If that was the case, his feelings had been nowhere near as strong as my own.
I kept myself busy for the next few days, once again needing the distraction, but I did make an effort to maintain some balance. I deliberately kept my office time to no more than ten hours, then I worked around the house. I got the hall bathroom painted, and I finally started clearing out Grandma’s bedroom, methodically filling up the boxes I’d emptied five weeks before. One box was things I wanted to keep; the others were either junk or donate. Mostly donate, because Grandma took really good care of her things.
When I had the closet cleared, I moved on to the dressers. I cried and laughed in equal measure as I went through everything. I missed her so much, but the memories were priceless. I’d been incredibly blessed to have her in my life.
With the boxes full and the closet and drawers empty, I sat on her bed and looked around. There were a few things hanging on the walls that I still needed to pack up, but there was one I knew I’d keep forever. It was an old-fashioned cross-stitch piece my grandma had embroidered after they got married, then mounted in a frame my grandpa had made for it. It had hung over Grandma’s bed for as long as I could remember.
I have found the one whom my soul loves.
Song of Solomon 3:4
I sighed longingly. I knew the verse could mean either Jesus or an earthly love, but in this case, Grandma had made the wall hanging with Grandpa in mind, and I loved that she’d felt so deeply for him.
I’m glad you found him, Grandma. The one your soul loves. I found mine, too, but it’s not looking good for my own happily ever after.
I reached over and picked up her Bible from the nightstand, remembering the many times I’d come to her room for something and found her propped up against her pillows reading it. I started leafing through it and ended up sitting there for an hour reading verses and passages she’d highlighted, as well as things she’d written in the margins in tiny, neat printing.
I took the Bible to the other bedroom and put it on the nightstand I was using. It was another thing I’d never part with.
***
On Wednesday evening, Chase came over to help me carry all the boxes downstairs to be ready for the thrift store pickup I’d scheduled for the next day, and also to help me move my furniture into the master bedroom. We put Grandma’s furniture out in the hall where mine had been, where it would stay until I decided what I wanted to do with it.
Chase had readily agreed to come over, and he was friendlier than I’d expected, but he didn’t mention his best friend. Not even in passing.
I knew that wasn’t a good sign, but I wasn’t ready to give up. After Chase left, I decided I’d give Jude until Friday to get back to me. If I hadn’t heard anything by that evening, I was going to go over to his house. If he wasn’t home, I’d go back the next evening. And the next.
I would see him again. Maybe only one time, but at least I’d get the chance to say what I needed to say.
It hurt to know he was in no hurry to see me, but I was well aware that I’d hurt him first.
***
At seven o’clock on Friday, I was five minutes away from Jude’s beautiful house in the woods. I still hadn’t heard from him, so I was forcing the issue. My heart was thudding so hard it was vibrating in my ears, and my mouth was bone-dry.
I had no idea how he was going to react. Would he be open to listening? Indifferent? Or furious that I’d shown up without an invitation?
Although I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, I wasn’t going to change my mind and chicken out. This talk had to happen.
I turned off the main road and started climbing the mountain, my grip on the steering wheel so tight my fingers were starting to cramp. The drive was just as gorgeous as I remembered, but I was far too nervous to enjoy it. I fervently wished I was on my way back down the mountain, my mission accomplished, instead of getting ever closer to Jude’s house.
I flexed my hands as I made the turn onto his lane, reaching up to smooth my hair and run a fingertip under my eyes to wipe away any stray smudges of mascara. Please, God, give me the courage I need to do this.
I drove slowly, wondering if his truck would be there. Did I want it to be, so I could get this over with, or did I want a reprieve and a chance to regroup? At this point, I honestly wasn’t sure.
When the house came into view, I frowned and came to a stop. There was a truck there, but it wasn’t Jude’s. So now what?
I was so tempted to turn around and leave, but I’d come this far. If I turned tail now, I knew I’d regret it as soon as I got home.
I took a deep breath and drove forward, parking behind the truck. It looked brand new. Maybe JP had already replaced his wrecked one, even though it would be a while before he could drive it.
I gave myself a few minutes to gather my courage. Even if Jude wasn’t home, it was likely JP was and could tell me when he expected his brother to return. If it wasn’t going to be long, I’d come back out to my car and wait.
As I walked toward the porch, I had the sudden and very unwelcome thought that Jude might be out on a date. The idea of that was completely devastating, but after a moment of feeling like I was going to throw up, I approached the front door with even more determination. This thing needed to be resolved. I had to know where I stood.
I knocked on the door—there was no bell—and waited. After a moment, I heard a man’s voice call out, “It’s not locked. Come on in.”
I inhaled, exhaled, and turned the knob.
***
I found JP Keller lying on a couch, propped up with pillows. Even without the cast on his leg, I’d have known it was him because Hannah had been right—JP and Jude definitely looked like brothers. Enough that it threw me for a bit of a loop as I approached.
I licked my lips nervously and hoped for the best. “Um, hello. I’m Ava Milton. You must be JP.”
“What gave it away?” he asked, his smile polite but not genuine.
I winced. “Right. Um, I’m really sorry about your accident. Hannah Owens is my neighbor and she’s been keeping me updated. She said you’re doing better than expected.”
His token smile faded. “Depends on who’s doing the expecting, I guess.” His eyes narrowed slightly when I stopped at the end of the couch. “Ava Milton,” he said slowly. “I’ve heard that name.”
“Oh, yeah, well, that’s probably because Jude and I were, um, seeing each other for a short time.”
He shook his head slowly. “No, that wasn’t it. He hasn’t mentioned you.” His expression turned thoughtful. “Although I think maybe you just answered a question I’ve had. One Jude’s been side-stepping.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but I was pretty sure I knew who else might have mentioned me to him. Not that I dared bring Myla into this.
“Do you know when Jude might be back?” I asked, before he could figure it out.
His eyes narrowed. “He didn’t know you were coming?”
I swallowed and shook my head. “No. We’re….uh…..not talking a lot right now. But I really need to see him.”
“Don’t tell me he knocked you up and now he’s not returning your calls.”
My mouth fell open in shock, but then I saw a totally unexpected glint of humor in his eyes, which were the same shape as Jude’s, but more navy than denim.
I relaxed a bit and smiled. “No, I’m definitely not knocked up. I really do need to talk to him, though.”
“Does he want to talk to you?” JP asked shrewdly.
I answered honestly. “I don’t think so, but he needs to hear what I have to say, and I really need to say it. After that I promise I’ll leave him alone.”
“Are you the reason he isn’t his normal sunny self these days?”
The question took me off guard, but as I thought about it, I felt a burst of hope and answered before thinking. “I don’t know, but I sure hope so.”
JP raised his brows in surprise and I quickly tried to explain. “I don’t mean that in a bad way. I want Jude to be happy. It’s just that, if he’s not his normal self, it could mean he still cares enough to hear me out.”
He studied me for a long, uncomfortable moment, his gaze piercing.
“Will whatever you have to say make him feel better or worse?” he finally asked.
His question made me smile, despite its seriousness. “You kind of have that protective big brother thing going on, huh?”
He shrugged with one shoulder, then grimaced and put his hand lightly over the ribs on his right side. “Let’s just say Jude needed a lot of protecting growing up. He had a smart mouth and no fear. I guess I never learned to stop watching out for him.”
I felt myself relaxing even more, in spite of JP’s gruffness. “That’s not a bad thing, I suppose. Jude’s probably glad to know you’ve still got his back.”
He chuckled darkly. “He might not be happy about me screening his visitors, though.” He pointed to a chair. “Have a seat, if you want. Jude should be home in about fifteen minutes. He went to get a pizza. As you can see, his appliances haven’t come in yet, so there’s not a lot of cooking going on here.”
I took the opportunity to look around. The kitchen was stunning. It was true there were still holes where the fridge, stove, and dishwasher would go, but all the cabinets were in, and the granite countertops and backsplash were gorgeous.
As far as the living room, there was only the couch, currently occupied by JP, a large square coffee table, and a recliner. There was room for much more, but I approved of Jude’s choices so far. The dark leather was very well suited for the style of the home.
I sat gingerly on the recliner, nervous all over again now that I knew Jude was going to be home soon and I’d see him after all. Unless he took one look at my car and threw his truck into reverse.
“So how long have you lived in Hidden Creek?” JP asked.
“Six weeks. I inherited my Grandma’s house and decided to move in.”
I didn’t tell him I’d been visiting the town since I was young, because if I told him too much, he’d soon associate me with Myla.
Only that happened anyway. I saw the exact moment he put it together. His blue eyes went flat, his face carefully expressionless.
“Gwendolyn Milton’s place,” he said softly.
I nodded, and he released a long breath. “You’re friends with Myla Garrettt.”
I nodded again.
“So I assume you’ve heard all about me,” he said, his lips twisting into a bitter smile. “Any chance you want to hear my side of the story?”
I gave a little huff. “I don’t even know her side.”
He looked a little dubious. “Not that good of friends, then?”
I glared at him. “We’re best friends and have been since we were eight. She just won’t talk about what happened with you. Not to anyone. Not even after all these years.”
I thought I saw a flash of pain shadow his eyes, but then he raised a hand and rubbed them, and when he looked at me again, his expression was back to being shuttered.
“If she would’ve told you, you wouldn’t want to be in the same room as me. And unfortunately, my side of the story wouldn’t change your mind. I fully admit what happened was my fault.” His voice was low and strained. “As her best friend, I want you to know I’m sorry.”
My throat felt tight because I could tell he meant it. “I wish you would’ve told her that,” I said gently.
“I did. Multiple times. It wasn’t enough.” He shifted his position slightly, pulling in a quick breath and wincing as he did so. “I didn’t know she was leaving town until it was too late, and she couldn’t get calls in boot camp. I tracked her down after that and tried again. After a few months of her ignoring all my efforts, I finally gave up.”
“I wish she would’ve talked to you. Maybe it would have given her some closure.”
“Or maybe it would’ve made it worse,” JP said, rubbing his eyes again. “Guess we’ll never know.”
“No, I guess not.”
“I’ll help you with Jude,” he said, taking me off guard with his unexpected offer. “I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but I do know he’s hurting. Maybe things will end differently for you guys than they did for Myla and me.”
“Thanks,” I said sadly. “It might end the same, though. I don’t think he’s going to want to talk to me.”
“Nah, he wants to, even if he won’t admit it. You were right when you said he wouldn’t be so miserable if he didn’t care. And believe me, he’s miserable. He’s trying to hide it, but we all see it.”
I rubbed my hands along my thighs, feeling pretty rotten myself. “You might regret your offer to help. I haven’t handled things very well, and I have to admit he has good reason for not wanting to see me right now.”
“The offer stands.”
I hadn’t expected to like JP Keller, but I kind of did. Myla would be angry if she knew, but I couldn’t think about that now.
“All I need is for Jude to listen to me for five minutes,” I said earnestly. “Just long enough for me to explain things. If he doesn’t want me around after that, I’ll respect his wishes.”
JP let his head fall back against his pillow. I offered to adjust it for him, but he shook his head and said it was fine.
“How is she?” he asked, sounding weary and resigned. “I assume you still talk to her?”
Oh, so we were back to Myla. It felt weird to be talking about her with the man responsible for driving her away from Hidden Creek. I had to be careful—she wouldn’t want me to give him a lot of details.
“We talk all the time,” I said, “except for lately. She’s what they call TDY, on some kind of training mission or something, and she can’t have any contact with the outside world. I haven’t talked to her in almost a month.”
“She’s doing okay?” he asked, his voice rough.
I shrugged. “She’s getting there,” I told him, and then I added, “you really did a number on her.”
“Yeah. I know I did.” That was all he said, but those five words carried a wealth of regret.
I twisted my hands together as I wondered whether Jude and I were going to end up in the same situation—both of us hurting but unable to work it out. Before my thoughts could move any further along that line, I heard a door slam outside. My eyes flew to JP, who was looking at me speculatively, obviously wondering how I was going to handle Jude’s momentary appearance.
I pressed a hand to my stomach, feeling sick. “I shouldn’t have come,” I said, my voice shaky. “He doesn’t want to see me. He might be mad. I don’t know what to do now.”
“He won’t be mad,” JP said, a hint of warmth in his eyes. “Just ask him to talk to you. If he won’t, go ahead and leave for now, but don’t give up. Keep wearing him down until he gives you those five minutes.” His eyes bored into mine. “Trust me, you’ll always, always regret it if you don’t.”
I nodded and looked at him thoughtfully. “Thanks for the advice. You’re a lot nicer than I expected.” After I said it, I realized how judgmental it sounded. I smiled self-consciously and looked down at my hands. “Sorry. I tend to lose my filter when I’m terrified.”
“Ava,” JP said softly. I looked back up, knowing my eyes showed my panic. He smiled gently. “You can do this. Go out there and fix whatever’s broken, okay?”
I gave him a shaky smile. “I’ll try. I’m so sorry for breaking it in the first place.”
We both looked at the front door again, then each other. JP scratched his jaw.
“You’d better get out there before he talks himself into leaving.”
I swallowed and grabbed the arms of the chair. “Okay,” I said on an exhale, pushing to my feet. “Here goes the good old nothing.”
“Good luck. Oh, and bring the pizza in before you two get into it, okay?” he drawled. “Don’t want it getting cold.”
I tossed a not-so-serious glare over my shoulder as I walked, appreciating his attempt to lighten the mood a bit. He really was completely different than I’d expected.
I got all the way to the door, where I hesitated a few seconds.
Courage, Ava.
Just like I’d done a few minutes ago, I inhaled, exhaled, then turned the knob and opened the door. And there he was.
My heart felt like it completely stopped, then restarted with a jolt of adrenaline I felt from head to toe.
Jude.
He was standing unmoving at the edge of the porch, facing the yard. His hands were in his pockets, his shoulder propped against a post. I couldn’t tell if he’d been waiting for me or trying to gear himself up before coming inside.
I closed the door softly and just stood there, drinking him in. The strong, wide shoulders, the lean waist and tight butt, the endless legs. Somehow it was all even better than I remembered.
Oh, Jude. I almost sank to my knees. I missed him so much—needed him so much.
He turned his head, giving me his profile, letting me know he knew I was there. Waiting for me to say why.
I had to close my eyes for a second. Seeing him had made me forget everything I’d planned to say, and I needed to refocus.
“Okay, Ava,” he said when I stayed mute, the sound of his voice sending a shiver up my spine. “You’re here, I’m here….I guess that makes it time to talk.”
I wrapped my arms around my stomach, my whole body tense. I cleared my throat nervously and forced the words out. “I’m sorry to just show up like this. I was afraid you’d never call. Or text. Or….anything.”
There was a moment of silence, then he said quietly, “I know the feeling.” I saw his shoulders rise and fall on a heavy sigh, then he slowly turned around. When our eyes met it felt like a physical connection. It tore me to pieces. I miss you, Jude. Can you feel how much?
He looked away first, then bent over and picked up the pizza box he’d set on an Adirondack chair. “I’ll be right back.”
I sank down onto a chair to wait, but soon realized I was too jittery for that. I got back up and went over to the porch railing, gripping it with both hands. I prayed for the courage to say my piece, even though I knew there was a better-than-good chance Jude wouldn’t tell me what I so badly wanted to hear.
I thought I’d geared myself up for that. I thought I might even be able to accept it graciously. But now that I’d seen him, I wasn’t so sure.
I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t know if I could.
I closed my eyes and prayed some more. This wasn’t only about what I wanted. I couldn’t force Jude to feel the same way I did. Showing up uninvited and requesting five or ten minutes of his time to explain myself—that might not be too much to ask. But expecting him to forgive me and to agree to pick up where we left off…..yeah, that probably was.
When the door opened again, I turned to face him. He tipped his head toward the chairs.
“You want to sit?”
“No, thanks.”
He joined me at the edge of the porch, keeping a few feet of space between us as he leaned back against the rail, his hands gripping it on either side of his hips. I looked down and noticed his knuckles were white. Somehow it helped knowing he was as tense as I was—or close to it.
“I want to tell you why I couldn’t talk to you for so long,” I began.
“Couldn’t, or wouldn’t?” he asked when I paused, his words coming out with some bite.
I licked my lips nervously. “In my mind, at the time, it was couldn’t,” I said, looking away from him so I could concentrate. I cleared my throat again and tried to focus, but my words still came out a rushed, jumbled mess. “It’s going to sound so dumb to you. I’ve been kicking myself for thinking I had a good reason for handling it the way I did—for thinking I was doing the right thing. But in hindsight, it was all so avoidable. I jumped to a conclusion and panicked, and I got in my head I couldn’t let things go any further with you until I talked to my friend Myla, but I couldn’t get ahold of her. She’s off doing some kind of training and doesn’t have access to phones or wifi.”
I stopped to take a breath and glanced over at him. He was looking at me, eyes narrowed and lips parted in total confusion. I let out a frustrated breath.
“Okay, Jude, here’s the deal.” I folded my arms and started from the beginning. “When I got your mail that day we were working here, I saw on one of the envelopes that your middle name is Paul. I didn’t think anything of it until later that night, after we had dessert with Hannah and Chase. All of a sudden, I realized your initials are JP. So, I thought you were JP.”
“How in the world could you think I was my brother?”
“Because I didn’t know you had a brother named JP. Every time you mentioned him, you called him Jed.”
“Then why did my initials mean anything to you at all?”
I rubbed my upper arms, wishing I’d worn a sweater. “That’s where things get complicated, and it’s also where Myla comes in. Myla Garrettt. She’s from Hidden Creek, and she’s been my best friend since I was eight.”
“I know who Myla is. She and JP dated for a few months.”
“Exactly. And he broke her heart into so many pieces she left town to join the army.”
“Yeah, I know that, too.”
He still looked confused, so I spelled it out. “I thought you were the man who hurt my best friend. The one she still hasn’t gotten over. I thought I was going to have to confess to Myla that I was dating the guy who drove her away from her home and family, and I was pretty sure I knew how she’d react to that.”
His beautiful blue eyes bored into mine as he finally comprehended my dilemma. “You thought she’d forbid it?”
“She probably wouldn’t have done that,” I said, shaking my head. “Not in so many words. But I knew I’d be able to tell from her initial reaction whether she’d be able to handle it, or if it would set her back again to know I was dating her ex.”
“And if she couldn’t handle it, you and I would be done?” Again the bite. Again, I had it coming.
“I don’t know. I mean, yeah, I guess.” I gave him a pleading look, needing him to understand why I would’ve felt compelled to make that decision, even though my feelings for him were so incredibly strong.
“She’s my oldest and best friend, Jude, and the thing with JP completely devastated her. I’m not putting all the blame on him, because to this day she’s never told me what happened. But that fact alone—the fact that she still can’t talk about it, not even to me or her mom—it shows how deeply she was hurt. When I thought you were JP, I knew I couldn’t let things get more serious between you and me without talking to her first.” I sighed and dropped my gaze to the wooden floor of the porch. “I was pretty sure I knew what I was going to have to do, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, not until I knew for certain. I kept holding out the slimmest hope that maybe she’d tell me it was okay, and it would sound solid enough that I could believe her.”
It was a while before he responded. “Did you really think I was JP up until the day of his accident?”
I hunched my shoulders, remembering the terrible moment I’d thought Jude was being airlifted. “I thought that until Chase came out into the courtyard at the hospital and told you JP had woken up. That was when I realized there’s an actual “JP.” Before that, I thought Myla had just referred to you by your initials so I couldn’t look you up.”
“Wow,” he said quietly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sorry about how I acted at the hospital, by the way. Seeing you kinda caught me off guard.”
“I understand,” I said quickly. “You were under a lot of stress. Plus, I’m sure I wasn’t your favorite person after going silent for two weeks.” I flashed back to the moment when I’d seen him walking down the hall in the hospital. “I was awfully glad to see you, though,” I told him fervently. “I didn’t know if you were—I mean, I thought maybe—” I couldn’t put what I’d feared the most into words, so I just broke off, clenching my jaw against the onslaught of emotion.
“I’m sorry about that, too.”
I breathed out slowly. “Not your fault. I’m just glad you’re okay and that JP’s going to be okay.”
He turned fully toward me. “Ava, I’m trying to understand, but for the life of me I can’t figure out why you didn’t just ask me.” He spread his arms, his frustration evident. “Why didn’t you just ask if I’d ever dated Myla Garrett?” He dropped his arms, shaking his head. “One question, Ava, and all this goes away.”
I forced myself to look at him without flinching. If the eyes were windows to the soul, I wanted him to see into mine. I didn’t want to hide from him anymore.
“I didn’t ask, because I was so sure I knew the answer.”
“But you never heard anyone call me JP.”
“No, but until I found out about your brother, I didn’t think Myla’s guy actually went by JP. Like I said, I thought she was just using initials so I wouldn’t know his name.”
“Then, for all you knew, the ‘P’ could have stood for a last name?”
I frowned and nodded. “That’s actually what I’d always assumed it was, first and last initials, until I saw your middle name. Then things clicked and I thought it had to be you. She’d told me her guy was new in town when they started dating and he worked construction. All the pieces seemed to fit.”
He looked skeptical and I gave a frustrated moan. “I know, Jude, I know. Do you think I haven’t gone over my stupid assumption a million times since I found out you weren’t who I thought? I feel like an idiot.” I swallowed back a sob and looked back down at the floor. After a moment, I tried again. “I think I panicked because I already felt like things were too good to be true with you. I was halfway expecting to have the rug ripped out from under me, and then it was.”
The silence lasted too long, and it wasn’t a comfortable one. I’d done my best to explain, but just as I’d feared, it wasn’t enough. He turned back to look out over the yard again, bending over to rest his elbows on the railing, his hands clasped.
“What are you expecting now, Ava?” he asked softly.
I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, as if that could protect my heart. “I don’t know what to expect,” I told him honestly. “All I know is what I hope for.”
He glanced over at me, then returned his gaze to the yard. “Care to share?” he asked.
I nodded, even though he wasn’t looking at me anymore. “I hope for you, Jude,” I said bluntly, my voice only slightly shaky. “I hope your feelings for me haven’t changed and that you can forgive me. I hope to eventually get back to the way things were, and…..then I hope for more.”
He pushed away from the rail and straightened, closer to me now, close enough that I could smell him. Soap and Jude—a scent I wouldn’t forget as long as I lived.
“You think my feelings have changed?” he asked, still not facing me.
I managed half a smile. “I’m terrified that they have.”
He slid his hands into his back pockets and I wished he would’ve reached for me instead. I longed for him. Ached for him.
“They haven’t, Ava,” he said, his voice low and rough. “The last four weeks have been the most frustrating time of my life, bar none, but my feelings are the same.”
I swallowed hard and felt hope begin to swell. But something still wrong. I could see it in his eyes when he glanced over at me again.
“The thing is,” he went on, “for the first time in my life, I found out how bad this can hurt. One minute I’m falling hard for the girl next door, and the next minute she’s not speaking to me. I have no idea why, because all I get is a few vague texts saying she can’t see me. So I show up in her front yard when she gets home one night. She says she misses me, but then almost two weeks pass—and nothing. I can only assume I screwed things up, but I have no idea what I did. I want to fix it, but how can I, when she says she needs space and won’t even talk to me?”
My throat ached at his words, at the knowledge of what I’d put him through. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was, but there was no way I could speak right then, and the words wouldn’t be enough anyway.
“I’m not used to someone having that kind of power over me,” he went on, his voice growing more ragged. “The power to determine whether I’m happy, sad, or mad.” He shook his head slowly, regretfully. “I’m being honest when I say my feelings for you haven’t changed, but to tell you the truth, Ava, I’m not sure I want to give that power back to you. A big part of me thinks I need to just keep trying to get over you, because who’s to say you won’t disappear all over again? Over some other issue. Or maybe you’ll simply realize I’m not who you want after all. Then I’m right back to where I am now. Only worse, because I’ll be even more attached.”
“Jude—”
He held up a hand. “I mean it, Ava. I don’t know if I can do it again. I had no idea I could hurt this much, and that’s after only knowing you for a couple weeks. If we’d had months together, like JP and Myla, then I have to say I can understand a hundred percent why Myla took off.”
“Me, too.” I forced the words through my aching throat, amazed to hear him speak my own thoughts.
His gaze was steady as he waited for more. I gave it to him.
“I’m so sorry for how I reacted to what I thought I knew. I know hiding away and not talking to you for two weeks made it seem like I don’t care, but the fact is I care too much. I was so sure you were Myla’s ex, and I knew there was basically no chance I could be with you. Not without destroying her all over again. Convincing myself I needed to talk to her before I told you what was going on was my way of putting off the inevitable.”
He remained silent, and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I took the opportunity to finish what I’d come there to say.
“I should have broken things off with you right away, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was desperate to somehow make it work. I even came up with the scenario that Myla might have met someone since she left, someone who swept her off her feet and made her forget all about JP. I guess I was clinging to the whole ‘stranger things have happened’ concept.”
I looked at him regretfully. “I just kept waiting for her to call, because as long as I didn’t hear from her, there was still a chance, right? A tiny one, but still a chance. At least, that’s what I chose to believe.”
Jude wasn’t ready to let me off the hook. “None of that changes the fact that you should have talked to me as soon as you came up with the idea I was Myla’s ex. Me, not her. That’s how a relationship should work.”
“I know. I was just so worried about what it would do to Myla—” I broke off with a sigh, because that was only part of it. “Okay, that’s not the whole truth.” I met his gaze as bravely as I could, determined to be completely honest. “I was worried about her, and that’s what I was mostly focused on. But I was also scared of talking to you about what happened between you two—I mean, if you were JP.”
“Why?” he asked. “I’d have thought you’d jump at the chance to finally have your questions about Myla and JP answered.”
I took a couple breaths, then leveled with him.
“Myla never told me why she and JP broke up, but I’ve always suspected it was because he was unfaithful. I mean, she was so hurt, and I couldn’t think of anything else that would cause her that much pain.” I dropped my eyes to the floor once again. “I was genuinely worried about Myla’s reaction to us being together, but I also didn’t want confirmation that you’d cheated on her. I didn’t want to know you had that in your past. And, of course, by ‘you’ I’m referring to when I thought you were JP.”
He didn’t reply right away, and when he did, his voice was gentle. “I can understand that, but it only reinforces what I’m saying about being in a relationship. You can’t hide from the hard stuff. I’ve never been unfaithful, Ava, I promise you that, but if I had been, it would be important for you to know it. To know it and face it and decide if you could deal with it. Pretending the tough issues don’t exist is only going to increase the odds of them coming back to hurt us even more later on. I’ve seen that firsthand with both JP and my sister.”
I glanced up at him and he was staring out over my head with a troubled expression. His eyes cut back to me as he finished his thought. “I haven’t been a saint. I’ve never cheated, but I’ve made mistakes. If I’m going to be with someone, I need to know we can talk about everything. If we gloss over the hard stuff, whether past or present, there’s not much chance of ever cutting through the baggage. And we all have baggage of some kind.”
I listened, agreeing with every single word he said, even though my actions these last few weeks suggested the opposite.
I ached with regret. This man was everything I’d thought and more, and I’d blown it. That was tough to accept. I felt myself getting even more emotional, but I was determined not to cry until I left. I didn’t want him to think I was trying to soften him up with tears.
“I can’t change what I did, Jude,” I said thickly. “I just hope you believe me when I say I’m sorry. It’s not the first time I’ve had to learn something the hard way, and it won’t be the last, I’m afraid.” In spite of my best efforts, my eyes grew wet. “I’m so sorry I disappointed you.”
He wiped a hand down his face, his fingers rasping against the stubble I loved. “At least now I know. I’m glad it wasn’t anything I did.” He slid his hands back into his pockets, his expression solemn. “I appreciate you coming over. I’m sorry for not getting back to you to set up a time.”
I folded my arms, resisting the urge to beg for another chance. “It’s okay. I deserved a dose of my own medicine.”
One corner of his mouth curled up. “Maybe, but it was still petty of me.”
I cleared my throat, still managing to hold back the tears. “I should go,” I said. “Sorry your pizza will be cold by the time you get to it.”
He shrugged. “A microwave is the one appliance I do have. It’s all good.”
“Okay, well, thanks for listening.” I managed a semblance of a smile. “Sorry again that it took me so long to talk to you. I’ll, um….maybe I’ll see you around.”
I quickly turned to go, wanting to get away before I ugly-cried, but he grabbed my hand to stop me.
“Whoa, Ava.” He tugged my hand to turn me back around, and I found him looking at me intently. “Maybe I’ll see you around? Seriously?”
I looked at him, confused. “I’m trying to make it easy on you, Jude.”
“Easy how?”
“By not begging for another chance.”
“Why do you think that makes it easy on me?”
“Because then you don’t have to try to let me down gently.”
His eyes narrowed slightly. “Do you want to beg for another chance?”
I managed a slight smile. “Not if I know it’ll end with you letting me down gently.” I wasn’t sure where this was going, but I’d tried to leave and he’d stopped me—I dared to hope that was a positive.
His lips curved into a half smile and my heart rate started to pick up. “I’m not sure what comes next, Ava,” he said softly, “but I think it’s more than I’ll see you around.”
I was afraid I’d say the wrong thing, so I just stood there and stared at him, my heart now pounding hard enough to vibrate my chest.
His eyes were guarded as his gaze held mine. I knew even if he gave me another chance—gave us another chance—it would be a while before he would trust me not to make another huge error in judgment. I understood, and it didn’t scare me. I knew I’d be able to prove my commitment to him in time. And there was nothing I wanted to do more.
“Do you think maybe we can just do the old ‘take it a day at a time’ thing for a while?” he finally asked, his voice low. “See how it goes?”
I stood there perfectly still as his words sank in, when what I really wanted to do was fall to my knees and thank him from the bottom of my heart.
I nodded eagerly. “Yeah, I definitely think we can do that.” I tried to be as stoic as him, but in the end I couldn’t hold back a relieved, happy smile. “I don’t want to screw up again, though, so if I break any of the ‘one day at a time’ rules, you’ll have to let me know.”
He was still holding onto my hand, and now he laced his fingers slowly through mine. “We’ll make the rules as we go, except for one, and it starts right now.”
I raised my brows and waited.
“There can’t be any prolonged periods of no contact,” he said, his gaze holding mine. “We talk at least once every day. Texts don’t count. It has to be either face-to-face or a phone call.”
“Or Facetime?” I suggested.
He grimaced and shook his head. “No. I hate Facetime. That’s another rule. Facetime’s not allowed.”
I grinned, the thin thread of hope that had refused to die feeling a little more sturdy. “Not ever? But what if I have to show you something?”
He grunted. “I might agree to visit the issue on a case-by-case basis. But you always have to check with me first. No just dialing me up and expecting me to smile into the camera.”
“Deal. So, um, how often do we get to see each other?”
He pretended to think about it. “Maybe once a week?” My jaw dropped and he arched a brow. “You don’t like that rule?”
“I hate that rule.”
“How often do you suggest?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I know it’ll be harder to get together now that you’re not living right next door, but I wouldn’t mind making the drive over here a few times a week. I like getting out of the house.”
“Well that’s good, because JP’s gonna need someone here until he can get in and out of the wheelchair by himself. Mom will come over while I’m working, but I’ll need to be here most evenings.”
That gave me an idea, and before I could chicken out, I asked if it would be okay if I would cook dinner tomorrow and bring it over to them so they could have a night without take-out food. Thankfully, Jude had no problem accepting my offer, and I was thrilled to know I’d see him again so soon.
I didn’t want to push my luck or give him a chance to change his mind, so after the dinner details were settled, I told him I needed to get going. When he was walking me to my car, like the gentleman he was, he asked whether I’d done anything about the Abigail situation.
It made me feel good to know he hadn’t put that completely out of his mind, even though it seemed like forever ago since we’d talked about it.
I admitted I hadn’t done anything yet, then I told him about the things she was trying to pull on the project we were working on, including trying to undermine me to Ian. That made Jude angry, and he encouraged me to either confront her soon, or better yet, tell Ian everything.
I considered Ian a last resort, because I was afraid of how it would affect the team. If Ian fired Abigail, we would all suffer in various ways. But I assured Jude that I did plan to talk to Abigail soon. I was confident that if she knew I was onto her, she’d shape up. She would never want Ian to find out what she’d done.
“It’s going to be really hard for me, though,” I admitted. “She’s going to be furious, and she’ll act all self-righteous, even though she’s the one in the wrong. I’m pretty sure she’ll back off the things she’s trying to pull on the job, but there’s a chance she’s going to hate me even more.”
“Maybe, but she needs to know she can’t get away with that stuff. Who knows what she might try if she feels invincible.”
“She’s not as bad as you think, she just gets irrational when it comes to Ian.”
He tilted his head to the side and raised a brow. “Ava, she put cameras in your ceiling. I think she is as bad as I think.”
I didn’t have a good rebuttal for that. “I’ll talk to her,” I promised.
“Good.” He opened the car door and rested an arm along the top of it. “You can tell me how it went tomorrow evening when you bring dinner.”
I started to agree, then gave him a shocked look when I realized what he’d said. “Wait, tomorrow?” I asked. “I wasn’t planning to talk to her tomorrow.”
“Why not?” he asked simply.
I struggled for an answer. “Um, it’s Saturday. I don’t know if she’ll be available.”
He dipped his head and looked deep into my eyes, and for a few seconds I forgot about Abigail. I forgot about everything but Jude, and how elated I was to be standing here talking with him instead of driving off in tears.
He wasn’t going to let me off the hook, though. “Just try, okay?” he asked. “I’ve been worried about her trying something else.”
“She doesn’t even know where I live.”
“She could find out easily enough.”
When I gave a noncommittal shrug, he gave me a stern look. “Look, Ava, doing things to make Ian question your work might not be as bad as hidden cameras, but it’s a sign she’s still feeling threatened by you. I don’t like where that could lead.”
I groaned softly, dreading what I had to do. Then I caved. How could I not, when the man I loved—and thought I’d lost—was this worried about me?
“Okay. Yes. I’ll try to talk to her tomorrow.” I sighed and gave him an accusing look. “You do know you’ve just sentenced me to a night of no sleep, right?”
“Sorry about that.” He grinned suddenly. “On the other hand…..I plan to sleep like a baby, because for the first time in almost a month, I won’t be trying to figure out why the girl next door lost interest.”
Although he said it in a teasing way, there was lingering hurt there. I put my hand on his arm, and just like that I was blinking back tears once again.
“That was never the case,” I said quietly. “There wasn’t a single second I didn’t miss you.”
His eyes held mine for a moment before he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and gently pulled me against his chest. “I didn’t know until just now how much I needed to hear that.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
“I know. Me too.”
I looped my arms around his waist and we just held each other for a while. It was what I’d wished for so desperately for four long weeks and it was as amazing as I remembered. One minute in this man’s arms—that’s all it took for me to feel centered again, filled with hope instead of loss.
“I’d better get back to JP,” Jude finally said, slowly pulling away. “See you tomorrow evening.”
“I’ll be here. Seven o’clock.”
“We’ll be waiting with bibs on.”
I laughed. “Good night, Jude.”
“Night, Ava.”
It was hard to get in my car without taking one last, long look, but I knew if I stood there gazing longingly up at him, I’d be asking for a kiss he wasn’t ready to give. He wasn’t ready to jump right back into things, into us, and I needed to respect that.
I drove away from his house in a completely different frame of mind than when I’d arrived. I’d been so sure we were over. I’d expected to say what I needed to say, then tell him goodbye, and that would be it for Jude and Ava.
I was profoundly grateful that wasn’t the case, and I promised myself I wouldn’t get impatient and try to rush things. Jude had opened the door to another chance, which was so much more than I’d dared to hope for. I would gladly follow the rules—the ones we’d be making on the fly—whatever they were.
Because Jude Keller was worth waiting for. However long it took.