It wasn’t every day I got called a prostitute. It also wasn’t every day that being called a prostitute wasn't the worst thing that happened. I could still hear Max’s tired little voice asking me what prostitute meant and dropping the bomb that his grandmother had called me one. And Josh—Mr. Appropriate, Mr. Hundred-Thousand-Dollar Education—comes up with a big old nothing to say back to his son about it.
That hurt far worse than the word and insinuation itself.
Why had his mother called me a prostitute? Well, probably because she’d seen me half naked wearing only Josh’s shirt while coming out of his room. I could rationalize her jumping to conclusions seeing as how Josh paid me to live in his house. She wasn't the one who’d sliced my heart right out of my chest. That honor sat with the good doctor.
Josh could have come up with something to say, some way to defend me to his son, who had no idea what was going on. But no, all I got was a bland “Nana shouldn’t have said that.” Probably the most accurate thing he’d ever said, and not nearly enough.
I curled around my pillow, fighting to keep the tears from falling. I knew I needed to confront Josh on all the things he didn’t say, but I couldn’t. Not yet. My heart hurt too much, and my temper was too triggered. If I tried to have an adult conversation right then, I’d end up saying something I regretted. Like I hate you. Or you’re an asshole. Or I quit.
God, not that last one.
I couldn’t leave my Max. He was the best sort of joy, the pure kind. A little piece of my heart living outside my body even though he wasn’t mine. I’d do anything to stay in his life, whether as his nanny or as…more. But if he was going to grow up thinking I was some sort of paid sex partner for his dad? No. That was too heartbreaking even to consider. Which left me in the swirling depths of doubt over what to do.
One comment, and the happiness of the last couple of days was gone.
The clock was glowing bright in my darkened room when a knock sounded on my door. One too loud and forceful to be Max.
“I don’t want to talk to you right now.” I curled into a tighter ball, wishing he’d go away. Wishing he’d apologize and come in and hold me. Wishing he knew how to make things right, even though I still didn't have a clue what could.
“Bailey, please open the door and talk to me.”
I clenched my eyes closed against the pain his voice caused. “I can’t tonight. I just…can’t.”
“Don’t shut me out, baby. Please, we need to talk.”
We did, but I wasn’t ready to. And I was tired of his pushing.
I jumped up, storming to the door, still refusing to open it. “Your mother called me a prostitute, Josh. Max heard that, and you didn’t defend me. You come out with a, ‘she shouldn’t have called Bailey that word’ reasoning? How about ‘Bailey’s not a prostitute’?” The fire cooled, the anger dropping to a simmer as my voice lowered. “Unless that’s how you see this. You pay me to care for Max and expect something on the side.”
“I did defend you! I told my mom she had no right to call you that and to mind her own damn business. And Max—” He groaned, and something thumped against the door. Whether that was his head or his fist, I couldn’t tell. “I’m sorry I didn’t say exactly what you wanted me to say with him, but I wanted to end the discussion immediately. I hated that you’d been called it at all. Even the idea you’re one is preposterous, which is why it didn’t occur to me to tell Max you aren’t. Of course you aren’t.”
And yet, he didn’t deny it when it counted. I sank to the floor, unwilling to open myself up for more disappointment. Unable to be the one to walk away from the door.
“Words hurt, Josh,” I said, my eyes locked on the carpet beneath my toes. His carpet…in his house. Where I no longer seemed to fit. “Words definitely hurt, but sometimes not speaking, not sticking up for someone, hurts even worse. I’m done with this conversation for the night. I’ll get up with Max if he needs me, but otherwise, I’m off duty. Leave me alone.”
“Bailey—don’t do this. This isn’t about you being on duty. This is about us. I’m sorry, okay?” Another slump, this one lower. Closer. As if he were kneeling right behind me. “I’m sorry my mother said it, I’m sorry Max overheard it, I’m sorry he asked you about it, and I’m sorry I didn’t know the exact right thing to say to defuse the situation. I fuck up sometimes. But I would never intentionally hurt you. Ever. I never intended for my actions to come across like I wasn’t standing up for you. Like I didn’t care. I do. I care about you so much—”
“Just caring isn’t always enough.” I pushed off the floor and headed for the en suite bath, needing to get away. Wanting to hide. “Good night, Josh.”
I closed the bathroom door, blocking him out. Not wanting to hear whatever else he had to say. And then I sank to the floor, and I cried.
* * *
The morning sun invaded my room way too soon for my liking. My eyes felt like sandpaper and my cheeks burned, but no more tears fell. I was done crying. It was time to figure out how to move forward and whether Josh was part of that or not.
I wanted him to be.
Hours of wallowing had left me with a clarity that screamed. I didn’t want to walk away from Josh and Max. I may not have been ready to forgive him just yet—I had a right to be mad—but this miscommunication wasn’t a deal-breaker.
I headed downstairs in my pajamas, unshowered and without makeup. I wanted to make sure Max was okay, and I needed to speak with Josh.
Both my boys were in the kitchen when I got there. Max looked adorably rumpled as he ate a bowl of cereal. And Josh… Scruffy face, bags under his eyes, a paleness to his face that normally wasn’t there—he looked as if he hadn’t slept a wink. He also didn’t look up when I walked in.
“Hey, Maxie.” I kissed Max’s head. He wasn’t as hot as he’d been last night, which meant his fever had broken. “Feeling better?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Daddy gave me the orange medicine. He said I had to take it even though I like the pink better.”
“I’ll make sure to get the pink next time we need it, okay?”
Josh’s head popped up, and his worried eyes met mine. “We’ve got almost a full bottle of the orange.”
I shrugged, saying what I could without saying all I needed to. Little ears and all that. “That’s fine. I’ll make a note on the box so I remember.”
“It could be months.”
“Then it’s months.” I ran a finger over his hand as I walked past him. “Maybe if the two of us put our heads together, we’ll remember.”
I was reaching for a bowl in the top cabinet when Josh came up behind me. He didn’t touch, but he was close. So close I could feel his breath on my neck.
“Does that mean you’re going to be here in a few months?”
The hope in his voice made me shiver. “I’ll be here as long as you want me to be.”
He sighed, inching closer, his hand coming to rest next to mine. “Bailey, I’m so—”
“Not now,” I whispered, turning to look at him over my shoulder. “I’m still mad, and I don’t want to fight in front of Max.”
“But later? We’ll talk?”
I leaned against him, sighing as his chest met my back. “Definitely. Just let me be mad for a while.”
“You can be mad however long you need…” He pressed a quick, stealthy kiss to my forehead, leaving his lips close enough to brush my skin as he whispered, “As long as you don’t leave.”
I took my bowl to the table and grabbed the cereal box. “So, boys. What’s the plan for today other than making sure my little Max here stays on the healthy end of the spectrum?”
“We should probably lie low until he’s feeling better,” Josh said.
“But, Daddy,” Max whined. “I missed family picnic night.”
Josh ruffled Max’s hair on the way back to his seat, the doctor in him shining through when his hand flattened against his son’s forehead for a quick temperature check.
“I know, buddy.” Josh caught my eye as he reclaimed his seat, looking as if he was speaking to me even though I knew his words were meant for Max. “How about a movie day in my room?”
“With all of us, though,” Max said.
“If that’s okay with Bailey…”
I shrugged, trying not to think about anything else that had happened recently in that room. “Sure. That sounds like fun.”
And it did, so long as we avoided any discussion of prostitutes and unspoken words. Which was why I was a bit nervous when, ten minutes later, I walked into Josh’s room with my special movie-night blanket.
“What are we watching?” I asked as I took the spot to Max’s right. Josh lay on Max’s other side, reclined on the bed, his back against the headboard and his legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles. The epitome of calm. Something I wasn't feeling.
“Mary Poppins,” Max said as he leaned against me. “Those kids get a spoonful of sugar with their medicine.”
Josh chuckled and pulled Max a little closer, his arm brushing mine as he did. “Remember when we talked about things in movies not always being real? That’s one of those things. Can’t have sugar with your medicine, or you’ll get a mouthful of cavities and a tummyache.”
Josh kept his arm around Max, but his hand was on my elbow. Holding lightly, almost cautiously. I caught Josh’s eyes over Max’s head and smiled, letting him know his touch was okay. Welcomed, even. The tension grew between us, turning warmer. More meaningful. This was going to be the longest movie ever.
“Look,” Max yelled, sitting up suddenly and pointing to the screen. “They're hiring the nanny. That's how you hired Bailey, right, Daddy?”
“Yep, she blew away the competition.” He held my gaze as he said, “As soon as I met her, I knew she was the only one I wanted.”
Sometimes, people said one thing that might possibly mean another. Josh did not fall into that group, not that time. I raised my eyebrows, hearing the double meaning just fine. “As soon as you met me? I don't seem to remember it being that easy.”
He tried to scowl, though it looked more like a pout. As if he’d just realized how much time we’d wasted. Silly man. “Maybe not, but everything fell into place pretty perfectly.”
Max threw his head back, grinning up at me. “Practically perfect in every way, just like Mary Poppins.”
There was no fighting back the smile when my Maxie looked at me like that. When he said such cute but significant things. Still, as soon as Max refocused on the movie, I went back to checking out his dad.
“Pretty perfectly, huh?”
“Well, maybe not yet. But soon. I hope.”
I wasn't quite ready to say that back, but I couldn't help the way my smile spread. I hoped for the same. Life with Max and Josh? Being a real family? I couldn't have even dared to wish for such things before.
Though, as we settled in to watch the movie, my thoughts pulled me back to doubt. What would happen once Max started school and I wasn't needed? What would I do? What would Josh want? So many things to think about, to discuss, but there was no way to do that with a five-year-old singing “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” between us.
Soon, Josh had said. And he seemed to mean it, if the light touches and sweet smiles he sent my way throughout the movie were any indication. He ran his fingers along my forearm as the old lady implored people to feed the birds; moved down to my palm when the chimney sweeps danced. Every aspect of the movie took on new meaning for me, played out in a way that fed into my hopes and fears of my relationship with Josh. And Max, of course.
When we reached the end, when Mary left the Banks children with their parents and flew off in search of other little ones who needed her help, Max turned to me with a frown on his face.
“You won't leave like Mary Poppins, right, Bee? I still need you.”
I shot a panicked look to Josh, completely unsure how to answer. I couldn't just decide to stay. I was technically an employee, and it was Josh’s decision in the end.
And still, I couldn't leave my little guy so worried. “I don't want to leave you, Maxie. Who else would call me Bee and make me sing silly songs?” I held Josh’s eyes as I said, “I'd be pretty miserable without my boys in my life.”
“We’d be miserable without you,” Josh said. “Wouldn’t we, buddy?”
“The most miserable,” Max agreed.
“You love Bailey, huh?”
Max nodded and curled into my side. “Yep, a lot.”
“I love her a lot, too.” Josh reached for me, his hand slipping around my shoulder as far as he could make it with Max lying between us. “I love her, and I want her to be with us for a long time. As long as she’ll have us.”
I was trembling hard enough that Josh grabbed my hand where it lay to the side of Max. I weaved my fingers through his, clinging to the hope his words allowed to bloom. “That might be forever, you know.”
“Then we’d be pretty lucky.”
I bit my lip, grinning around it. “I feel the same way.”
Forever with my boys? My family? That sounded like heaven. Which was why, once the movie was over and Josh had put Max down for a nap, I made sure to meet him at his bedroom door.
“Forever, huh? Sounds like quite a commitment.”
“Is that what you need to know I’m serious about this? You? Us? A commitment? ’Cause I can go get a ring right now…” Josh reached for me, his hands landing on my hips in the most natural and right move I’d ever experienced. Which was why I let him grab me, allowed him to pull me closer. Consented to being enveloped by him…even as I shook my head.
“I don’t need all that. I’d rather you stay right here. With me. Preferably without all this clothing in the way.”
He groaned out a laugh, his hands sliding down, cupping my ass in a way that told me more about what he wanted than any words could. “There’s not much else I’d rather do. But I need you to know I meant what I said in there. All of it.” He pulled away, just enough to grab my hand. My left one. To run his thumb over my ring finger. “I love you, Bailey. And I want you in my life—our lives—forever.”
The weight of the past day evaporated in an instant. I wasn’t going to be pushed aside or gotten rid of when Max started school. I wasn’t a temporary plaything for Josh, either. This was my family, my home, my future…and I wanted to celebrate that.
“I love you, too,” I said as I rose onto the balls of my feet and pulled Josh down. I planted my lips on his, demanding in a way I’d never been with him, needy in ways I had. Josh kissed me back just as passionately, at least, until I pushed him away.
“I love you,” I said as I pulled my shirt over my head. “But we’ve only got about two hours before that little boy wakes up and demands every bit of our attention.”
“So what are you saying?” Josh smiled and took a step back, pulling me with him, leading us into his bedroom. Well…maybe our bedroom? Shit, too much to think about. At that moment, all that mattered was Josh and me.
“I’ve always heard make-up sex can be amazing.” I dropped my shorts as I helped him yank his shirt over his head. “How about you show me if that’s true?”
He herded me back in slow but determined steps, stalking us toward the bed. “You want me to show you with my mouth or my cock?”
I frowned, purposely pouting my bottom lip. “Why do I have to choose one or the other? Can't I have both?”