N A T E
I covered my head, waiting for the impact. The hits never hurt as much as the words. The smell of liquor and cigarettes wafted over my face as my hands were wrenched away.
“Fucking pretty boy,” he growled, bringing his hand down.
The slap was almost deafening, the sound making my ears ring.
The pain, so familiar by this time, barely registered. I muffled a scream, not wanting to wake Ryke. If I did, he would come in and try to stop it. I didn’t want him getting in trouble, too. He never did on his own accord, only because of me.
“You gonna grow up to be a pansy?” The large man wobbled on his feet, drunk again. I sometimes wished I had the strength to push back and watch him fall, but I was no match for him. “Maybe if we scar that pretty little face you’ll look respectable.”
The glowing end of his cigarette wavered before my eyes. The rancid smoke filled my nose, making me want to throw up.
“Please, don’t,” I begged, jerking my head against the wall.
“Please, don’t,” he mocked as he jabbed the glowing embers at my face.
“No!” I screamed as the heat registered, turning in time. A searing burn exploded behind my right ear.
A resounding crash was the last thing I heard before I was suffocating.
“Get off me!” The weight of a body registered, and I began to throw blind punches. “No!” I screamed as I fought, swinging my fists in every direction.
“Nate!” A piercing voice broke through the roar in my brain, confusing me. A woman was never there with me. Would she hurt me, too? “Nate, it’s me, Shiloh!”
The words didn’t make sense as I struggled to escape. Something wrapped around my legs kept me from running.
“Shiloh, it’s Ryke. I need to get you away.”
My brother’s deep voice was all wrong. He sounded like an adult. Then it dawned on me. I woke Ryke up. He was going to get into trouble again because of me.
“Nate! Wake up!” Ryke’s voice boomed through the room, bringing me out of my dream.
“What the fuck?” I gasped, my breathing labored from exertion. Sweat beaded my body, and my heart raced with adrenaline. My bed was an absolute mess of tangled blankets.
A dream. It was just another fucking dream. I swallowed hard, finally bringing my eyes up. What I saw stopped me cold.
Ryke stood in the corner, his arms shielding a sheet-wrapped Shiloh. If my brother protecting the girl I was falling for wasn’t enough to crush me, the trickle of blood from Shiloh’s mouth was.
“Did I. . . . Fuck, did I hit you?” I croaked through a throat as dry as a desert.
Shiloh’s shaking hand moved to her lip, dabbing the source of the blood. “It’s okay, Nate,” she whispered.
“Okay? Really, Shiloh? I fucking hit you, and you’re telling me it’s okay?” I couldn’t see through the red-hot anger boiling inside me. This was why I didn’t do relationships. This was why I never spent the night with anyone or brought anyone to my home. I was a fucking mess, proven ten-fold tonight by my hurting the one person I never wanted to see the ugly side of me.
“Nate, it was just a nightmare. It wasn’t your fault,” Shiloh pleaded. A single tear dripped off her chin, leaving a silvery, wet streak on her cheek.
“You need to go, Shiloh.” I stared at the floor, unable to look at what I’d done anymore.
“Nate.” Ryke stepped forward.
“No, Ryke. Get her out of here.” My voice was growing urgent with my need to flee.
“Shiloh, let me help you.” Ryke’s voice was soft and comforting as he led Shiloh through my room.
I buried my face in my hands until they were gone, then flopped back on the bed to try to get my head on straight again.
When I was a child, the things most kids were scared of didn’t bother me. My monster didn’t live under my bed or in the closet and disappear in daylight. My monster was my father. Where his eyes should be kind and caring, his were menacing. When I searched for love and approval, I found hate. He made me want to run and hide. My monster tore me down so low, I had nothing left but the thing that angered him so much in the first place–my pretty face. At some point, I turned what he saw as a weakness into my strength.
Long after Ryke and I had found a new home, away from the abuse, I learned my looks could get me what I wanted. They said looks were only skin-deep though. I had no doubt those words were true, because underneath my flawless looks, I was hollow and empty.
My dad had made sure of that a long time ago.
Unfortunately, I fell for a girl who would never even see me.
“Morning.” Silas strode into the barn at dawn.
His frown made me wonder if he’d caught wind of the cluster-fuck with Shiloh. My body tensed, my muscles aching as if I’d dead-lifted a horse. For more years than not, nightmares had been a part of my life. They came and went, sometimes worse than others. I’d had a pretty good respite from them until last night, and the fact I’d fucking hit Shiloh in the process left me reeling. The scene circled my mind on instant replay.
“What’s going on, Si?” Ryke stepped slightly in front of me as if he needed to protect me.
“Just got a call from Wilson. A section of the north fence is down, probably from the last storm.”
Silas went on to explain what the neighbor had told him, but my mind checked out. Relief flooded my body, causing my shoulders to sag. Thankful. I was thankful Shiloh hadn’t told Si what happened. At least not yet. I needed to get my shit together before I could deal with the backlash.
“So we need someone to work on it, possibly stay the night in the field.” Silas offering the chance to avoid the whole situation seeped into my brain, and before I knew what I was volunteering for, I spoke up.
“I’ll go.”
“Nate?” Ryke questioned, his voice dripping with apprehension.
“I could use the fresh air.” I didn’t look in my brother’s direction. I didn’t need to. His concern was palpable. Truth was, I needed to get away. I had no idea what to say to Shiloh right now, and I was too raw.
“Great!” Silas’s palm clapped my shoulder. “Let’s get your supplies loaded.”
Spinning on my heel, I quickly followed behind him, doing what I did best. Escaping without dealing.