I PUT THE phone down gently after finishing my call with the nurse in the intensive care unit at the home. They had taken the decision not to move her to the general hospital, as there was really nothing they could do that they weren’t doing in the unit. Daniel is holding my hand, and Sofia is making some warm milk.
“They said it was too late to go down tonight, and that I should wait until morning.” I start to cry, and Sofia is at my side as Daniel stands and walks to my bedroom. My arms are wrapped tightly around my waist. I can’t stop shivering.
“It’s probably for the best, Bets. There’s nothing you can do tonight. Maybe try and get some sleep?” She squeezes my leg, and I feel Daniel sit next to me. He is dressed and is carrying my clothes.
“Hey, baby, let’s put these on.” He takes my arms and carefully slips on a soft T-shirt and warm sweater with leggings and some sheepskin boots. He scoops me into his arms. “My driver is outside. I’m taking her to see her mum.” Sofia nods, and I take enormous comfort from the strong chest my head is resting on, glad I am not making these decisions.
Daniel’s fast car makes light work of the nighttime motorway traffic. We pull up the gravel drive just before two in the morning, and the night porter from the other night kindly lets us in.
“I’m so sorry, my dear.” He holds my hand, and I wonder if I will be able to handle this, if this is the norm in these situations. What do I even say, ‘It’s okay’ when it clearly isn’t? ‘Yes she is or was’? Did they even know her? I literally don’t know what to say.
“Thank you, that’s very kind.” Daniel moves forward to shake the porter’s hand. Yes, that’s what I need to say, thank you, I’ll remember that. I feel strangely detached and on autopilot at the same time. I walk toward the intensive care rooms where she has been moved. The nurse greets me.
“I’m so sorry, Bethany. She’s comfortable now, and she is talking a little, but I’m afraid there’s nothing more we can do. She’s such a lovely lady. We’re going to miss her.” She presses my hand in hers.
“Thank you.” I say quietly. “You’re very kind.” I let her hand slip from mine and go to find my mum. Her door is closed, and I open it quietly. She’s sleeping, and I take a seat by her side. I hold her delicate hand, her skin fragile and soft like silk, translucent and very thin. Daniel takes a seat in the corner of the room, squeezing his large frame into a tall backed chair. I sit beside her bed until the morning light starts to break through the curtains. The day shift has just taken over, and for the first time since I sat down, my mum moves a little. “Hey, mum, I hear you’re causing trouble? They brought me back specially to sort you out.” I swallow back the rising lump. She looks so pale, not like her at all. Her glow is no longer around her, but she still looks like an angel, with her light grey fluffy hair spread around the pillow like a halo. She opens her eyes, and her gaze is glassy, but she looks straight at me, a spark of recognition and a faint smile.
“Hey, baby, Boo.” She squeezes my hand and instant tears pool my eyes. She hasn’t called me by my nickname for years. Even when she did recognize me, it was always Bethany.
“Hey, Mum.” My voice is breaking, and I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to upset her. I want her to talk, and I want her to remember.
“I’m so sorry, Boo, I try so hard to remember. I try so hard for you, my baby.” Her eyes glisten.
“It’s all right, mum. You know it’s fine, you mustn’t worry.” I want to reassure her.
“You have to know, you have to know.” She looks so sad and holds my hand a little tighter. “They didn’t leave you, they left, but they didn’t leave you. Your Father, he never knew about you, I wrote to him one time, when you were sixteen. I thought I’d made a mistake by not telling him. I thought he would come, but when he didn’t, I knew I was right that I kept it from you. That you never knew who he was. But you should know, he didn’t leave you, he left me, and I tried so hard not to leave you, baby. I tried to remember, I tried not to leave you.” She closes her eyes, and I use that time to take some deep tear-fighting breaths, if this is the last thing she remembers, I don’t want it to be regret and sadness.
“Mum, I love my life with you, and I wouldn’t change a thing. No one left that we wanted to stay. I miss you, mum, but you’ve always loved me, and I’ve always felt loved. You are the best mum, the best.” I lift her small hand and press my kiss, holding it. Fuck, I’m going to cry. Don’t bloody cry, Bets.
“She shouldn’t have left you alone, you were still a baby, I won’t forgive her. You didn’t deserve that. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.” Even in this frail state her anger is fierce.
“Mum. Mum, listen. Please listen. I wasn’t a baby; I was your baby, but I wasn’t a baby. You are a wonderful mum, and I’m so lucky you are my mother.” I desperately need her to believe me.
“Promise me.” She smiles, and her eyes sparkle.
“You name it? You want me to take you to the top of the Beacon again?” I want her to think about good things, remember good memories.
“Don’t be afraid, don’t let our past and your past, your past with John--” I suck in a sob “--don’t let that make you too scared to live. For me, promise me that, Boo, and I’ll promise to remember all the good things.” I can feel my tears rolling down my cheeks. I know I won’t be able to speak without releasing a sob, so I swallow and sniff back the tears. They need to stop.
“Mum.” I squeeze her hand, and she opens her eyes. “I promise.”
She smiles and closes her eyes again. “Good girl. You always were a good girl, when you weren’t off gallivanting.” I laugh aloud, a booming laugh combined with a heartbreaking sob. God, I’ve missed her so much. I hold her hand up and kiss the back of her hand again and rub the soft bony knuckles against my wet face.
“I promise, mum.” I lean up and kiss her hollow cheek.
“Promise what, dear?” She doesn’t open her eyes again, her grip on my hand loosens, and her breathing fades. My head is pressed into the bed, and I let out some bone-shaking sobs, muffled by the thickness of the mattress.
“Hey, baby, time to go.” I have been sitting in the day room, the sun bright and the sky clear, a perfect day to see the spectacular views of the South Coast. I have signed papers and have been given a box with Mum’s personal belongings to take. It seems everything was packed in readiness. I could think that cold, but I don’t think anything at the moment. Daniel has dealt with the management and has taken all the details to sort through with me later. I go to stand, and he scoops me into his arms. I laugh, it’s ridiculous. “I can walk.”
“I know, I just want you close-- closer.” I rest my head on his chest. I want that too.
The drive back is quiet; there’s not much to say. I think the funeral will be in a few days.
“I know this is a stupid question.” Daniel interrupts my thoughts.
“But you’re going to ask anyway?” I smile.
He nods. “How are you doing?”
“Not a stupid question. I’m… well… I’m ok. I lost my mum a long time ago. I visited because I always hoped she’d remember, but for the last eighteen months I’ve been visiting this lovely old lady who didn’t have a clue who I was but knew I was really good at crafts.” I laugh a little. “I’ve missed her for so long, and she was back today, and it was like a punch to the chest. I feel winded and bruised, but it was the best feeling to have her, even for a short time. I’ll be fine.” I put my hand on his thigh and squeezed his tight muscle.
“I fucking hate it when you say that.” He mutters not wanting to be angry with me. I smile at him.
“I am enormously sad,” I sigh heavily, “but I will be okay with this. I’ve had a long time to let go, so, no, I’m not fine, but I will be. Is that better?”
“Yes.” He reaches for my hand. “What did she mean by not knowing who your father was? I thought you knew who he was?”
“I did… I do… he just left when I was born. I think maybe she was a little confused. I think maybe she wanted me to understand that it wasn’t me they left” I laugh sadly.
“Mmm, maybe. And she was right, they didn’t leave you.” He pulls my fingers to his lips and softly kisses them.
“That’s semantics, Daniel. I do believe the net result is the same, the net result is my life, and I am left alone.” I turn my face to the now grey sky, unable to stop the falling tears. He doesn’t allow me much time to wallow when he pulls me into his lap and folds his strong arms around me, encasing me in his warm embrace, stroking my hair and gently kissing my cheeks for the rest of the journey.
“Daniel?” I tilt my head to meet his somber face.
“Yes?” His tender smile warms me.
“Thank you.” I can’t think about all he’s done and why, or I will fall apart, but he just continues to smile his amazing smile right back at me.
Daniel insisted I stay with him, and he’s not left my side, although he does always have a phone attached to his ear trying to work. He has smoothed things over with the University and even had lecture notes couriered over, so I don’t miss anything crucial. Sofia’s family has been wonderful and have arranged the funeral and a small gathering in the day room after the ceremony. I have written a few things I want to say. I don’t know yet whether I will, but that is my plan.
We travel down in two cars, I’m with Daniel, and Sofia is with Paul, her parents, and Marco. Other than a few residents and caretakers, the room at the crematorium is sparse and soulless. We file slowly into the room where a brief service will be given. I am grateful for the warmth I feel from both Daniel and Marco’s hands, which hold mine, but it is painfully insufficient when I’m chilled to the bone at the image in the front row. Iron straight bright blond hair falls down from a ridiculously ostentatious hat, given the surroundings. Immaculate, in a black Prada dress and jacket, she turns dry eyed with a pseudo-sad face, and I stand transfixed. Daniel places his other hand on my arm to urge me forward, thinking I am overwhelmed by the proceedings.
“What the fuck is she doing here?” Sofia hisses in my ear, but I’m too shocked to answer. I have no idea. How did she even know?
Daniel seems equally surprised by the tone of his voice. “What is Kassandra doing here? Do you know her, Bethany?” His confusion was evident on his crinkled brow. “Why would she come?”
“I have no idea why she’s here, but I do know her.” Daniel waits for me to continue, but my head is spinning. What could she possibly want? Why now? I feel sick that she would make today about her.
“Bethany?” He is trying to get me to answer, but even the term identifying her relationship to me is alien.
“That’s her sister.” Sofia enlightens him with borrowed venom. I look at my best friend, who’s ready to do battle on my behalf, but I shake my head slightly. This isn’t going to happen today, and I walk to take my seat on the row opposite, surrounded by the best people in the world. I am numb to the words the priest is saying. He does his job well, I’m sure, but my mum never went to church, and he wouldn’t have known her. So the sad words of comfort are just sad words. When the service is over, I choose to head back to the car. I don’t need to see the flower arrangements, which will never be enjoyed by my mum, beautiful flowers that will fade more quickly because of their presence today. We are all heading back to the home for tea, and I just want to be alone in Daniels car.
“Bethany, is that really you?” I hear her voice, sweet and sad, with a slight wobble in the pronunciation of my name, practiced and perfect.
“Kit.” I reply, my cold response glaringly obvious. She narrows her eyes. I think she must be taking a risk exposing herself today, and she is hesitant. I wonder how much she is willing to risk exactly.
“I’m sorry, Kit? That was my name Kit?” She looks puzzled, then a saccharine smile spreads her bright red lips wide. “Oh!” She laughs a little at the revelation. I am definitely going to be sick. Daniel comes to my side and puts his strong arms tight around my shoulder.
“Yes, your name was Kithara Thorne. Mum said it was the musical instrument Apollo played; it’s Greek.” I have no idea what I’m saying, it’s not like she doesn’t know this already. “I had trouble saying my ‘th’s so you were Kit to me, then everyone else.”
“Oh, how darling, my name was changed because you couldn’t say it.” Her words are light, but I sense the bitter tone.
“Isn’t this wonderful, Bethany? I know it’s a terribly sad day, but I can’t believe this. Look, you still have family, you’re not alone after all.” He cups my face, and tears spring to my eyes. I am so alone if she is the only family I have left. “I can’t believe it.” He looks to Kit and her eyes sparkle, and she looks back through her thickly painted lashes. “Kassandra, would you like to ride with us? I can’t imagine how much you two have to catch up on. This is just amazing!” He seems genuinely happy for me, and I’m just going to come across as a huge bitch for not giving my ‘amnesia-challenged sister’ a chance to build bridges. There is also the fact that I don’t know what she wants. It’s obviously not me. She doesn’t need to pretend to be Kassandra to have me in her life.
“Oh, Daniel, darling, that’s so sweet, but I have my driver.” She looks over to a Range Rover with a hulk of an ape standing by the front door, hair cropped so short he looks bald, no neck to speak of, and scary huge muscles fighting to escape his pale, ill-fitted grey suit. She walks over with an exaggerated sway in her hips and grabs Daniel’s arms, squeezing them in a slow massage of his muscle. “I am just so happy to remember.” A small tear trickles down her cheek for effect. She turns to me, my teeth are so clenched I think the enamel may crack. “Bethany…Boo.” I swallow my cry as she infects my nickname with her vile voice. “I forgive you; I forgive you for giving up ever finding me.” My fists curl, and my nails bite my skin. She leans in but must notice my eyes, because she hovers mid-air for a cheek kiss. She leans closer and with more success and kisses Daniel’s cheek before she turns to leave. Daniel opens my door, and I slide in. I’m looking down on myself, because that was definitely an out-of-body experience. I don’t know how to react because I don’t know what she wants, but as I look at my reflection in the windscreen and then across at the handsome, kind and brilliant man beside me, I start to laugh. Not so much that I need sedating but enough to cause a look of concern on his beautiful face.
“Hey, baby.” He squeezes my leg and sends a rush of shivers over my skin. “Why didn’t you speak at the ceremony? I thought you wanted to say a few words?” His deep voice is laced with worry.
“I did, but then it didn’t feel right sharing. I think what I wanted to say I had already said.” I don’t want him to think I will have regrets about today. I am sure I will have regrets about today, but I am yet to know what they will be.
“You have a sister, then? When did she go missing?” He sounds hesitant, and I know it’s because he is waiting for me to share.
“When I was seventeen.” I don’t want to share, not until I know what she wants.
“Was it easier to pretend you didn’t have a sister than accept what might’ve happened? I just don’t understand why you would say you didn’t have one, why you would stop looking for her.” He can’t hide how disturbed he is. How did I know I would end up being the bad guy in this scenario? I can’t bear the thought of him looking at me like I would be capable of walking away like that, and I can’t bear the look of pity he would have if I told him the truth. I sniff and shudder a little, I can feel her effects working on me and the distance in the car, which hadn’t been there on the journey here. “I’m sorry, baby. You know what, it doesn’t matter. Nothing in the past matters. All that matters is, she’s found you, and you’re not alone. I won’t like sharing you, but it’s important to have family.”
“I have a family.” I whisper to myself, sadness overwhelming me once more.
“She didn’t ask for your number. How is she going to contact you?” He muses, but I know why.
“She has yours, I take it?” His face is impassive at my query.
“Yes, and I will give her yours,” he reassures me with a sweet smile.
I leave it at that. I have a library full of snide comments, which will do nothing other than paint me as a bitter bitch and further widen this unstoppable distance.
The day room is bright, I have been hugged and squeezed by the people I love, and I am thankful Kit didn’t follow us here. Sofia takes me to one side. “What the fuck does she want now? A little late to be claiming the dutiful sister and doting daughter role. God, I’m so mad. I wanted to punch the Botox right out of her wrinkles.” I can’t quite manage to snicker. “Dad was really mad too. You know I had to hold him back. I told him you’d be devastated if he caused a scene.” I can feel her rage because it almost mirrors mine, almost.
“Thank you, honey, I would’ve been mortified. I am pissed she’s made today about her. Her and her happy reunion.” I put my fingers to my temples and try to massage the pressure away.
“Do you know what she wants?” Her brow furrows, but I quickly ease her contemplation.
“I wish I didn’t.” I look across the room to the most amazing man on the planet, smile at the reaction he incites in my body with his presence. “But I’ve got a pretty good idea.” I raise my eyebrows in Daniels direction. “She won him in the Bachelor Charity Auction. I saw her that night. He was her date. She must have seen me then or more importantly seen me with Daniel.”
“But she can’t have him, he’s with you!” Sofia is righteously indignant.
“Not his type, either, but that won’t stop her. Besides, Daniel thinks she’s tragically sad, that I’m a bitch for giving up looking for her and pretending she didn’t exist.” I raise my own brow at the irony.
“He did not just say that!” She gasps in shock.
“Not in so many words, but it was there in his eyes. I’m not going to humiliate myself by clinging to a sinking ship, Sofs. But I need to know what she has to support her story before I can say anything. The only person who could verify my life just died. I know what she wants, but I need to know what she is prepared to do to get it. I am still dealing with the ‘Krazy-Kit’ I know, not the sad widow Kassandra, who has Daniel in her well-manicured claws.”
I sink back into the deep jasmine-scented bubble bath, the hot water engulfing me to my neck. I hold my breath and sink below the surface, allowing my body to float and bob. I slowly release my breath in tiny flowing bubbles, which escape from the tiniest gap in my lips, trying to remain under the surface as long as my lungs will allow. It’s strangely relaxing, hovering on the brink of desperation for air. I start to feel the burn, and I try to find my footing on the slippery bath bed when I am yanked with brutal force, lifting me clear of the water and against Daniel’s hard chest.
“What the fuck are you doing?” He shouts as I squeeze the bath water from my eyes and take in some deeper breaths. His clothes are drenched by me, and he is still holding me naked in his arms. My covering of soapy bubbles is sliding gracefully down my slippery, wet body.
“Having a bath?” He has a look of utter relief, and I have no idea why. “Sorry, I didn’t realize I needed permission. Wait! What did you think I was doing?” He places me on my feet and sweeps my wet hair from my face. His lips cover mine with a desperate hunger, his tongue frantic to taste me. He moans into my open mouth as I willingly accept his demanding possession of my mouth. He pulls back and sighs heavily. I shiver from my rapid removal from my lovely bath, and he holds me again, but his clothes are soaked and cold, so my body continues to shake. “Can I get back in? I’m shivering, if you hadn’t noticed?”
“I thought it was me that made you tremble.” His voice is soft.
“Oh, you do, Mr. Stone.” I reach up on my tiptoes and slowly lick the tip of my tongue along his lips. “You make me tremble, you make me moan, and you make me scream, but best of all, you make me come.” My voice is breathy with desire, but I pull back. “And in this instance, you make me shiver.” I turn to step back in the bath, and he slaps my butt, the sound and sting louder because my skin is wet. “Ow! Planning on joining me, or are you just going to taunt me with that all night?” I am staring unashamedly at the large bulge in his now damp trousers, my smile a wicked invitation.
“I thought we should talk.” He begins to remove his wet clothes, and my grin widens. God, I hope he means talk after. His skin shimmers from the moisture soaked through his clothes, and it only enhances the definition of the curves of his muscled arms. The flex of his chest as he strips each garment from his body and his lean frame, show he ia every inch a perfect male. He may want to talk, but his cock is most definitely on my side, hard, bobbing under its own weight, thick and heavy. He cups himself, and I whimper as he narrows his gaze, looking at me as I’m looking at his tight grip. “Dammit!” He steps forward and abruptly pushes behind me, sending the suddenly rising water spilling over the edge and flooding the floor. I push back into him and arch my back as he roughly grabs my breasts, pumping and rolling my hard nipples between his wet finger and thumbs, pulling and pinching. He sinks his teeth into my exposed neck and sucks wildly, biting and bruising the soft tissue. He wraps his arm around my waist and slides his fingers through my slick hot folds, and I instantly shiver from toe to tip. My breath rapid and my core on fire, he sinks two fingers inside and curls around, rubbing and stroking my sweet sensitive spots. My body responds, contracting and twitching, and I gasp for more air.
“Fuck, baby, I can’t say no to you. I want you all the time. You’re mine, understand?” His rhetorical question is more a guttural plea.
“Yes.” I’m panting, and I’ll say anything, but like being drunk, I’m still aware I’m saying the words I mean. I just have no reservations about saying them when I’m seconds from a screaming orgasm.
“Mine, you aren’t going anywhere, understand? You are mine, say it, Bethany!” He growls in my ear and pushes deeper, and I fall. My hips are jerking, my head falls against his chest, my skin flushed with prickles. He stills before he slides his fingers out of me and brings them to his lips and sucks and hums his pleasure. I slip around to lie flat on his front, his hard erection sandwiched between our warm wet bodies. I push myself up onto my knees and hover as I take his thick smooth shaft in my tight fist and rub the wide head along my cleft, sinking slightly as he reaches my entrance, and I hover again. I need to see his eyes, see his need, see his desire.
“Fuck, Bethany, you’re killing me!” He grabs my hips and applies enough pressure to move me further onto him. “Ahh, yes, baby, it’s been too long. I can’t wait any longer.” He tilts his hips and thrusts while pushing hard on my shoulders, and I sink further, deeper. ”You’re so tight baby, I don’t want to hurt you.” He eases the pressure on my shoulders, and it drives me insane. I want him, all of him, pain and all, and I lift and sink hard, tilting my hips to take all of his massive length. I stifle a scream. “Fuck! Fuck!” He sits up and wraps his arms around me, securing his hands on my shoulders to prevent me from making the same move again. I look into his eyes, deep with desire and love, and I can’t fight the tears that escape the corners of my eyes. He is buried so deep, his cock twitche,s and I contract in appreciation, our breathing is synchronized.
“I love you, Daniel.” I am not in the throes of passion. I’m in the arms of the man I love. “Don’t hold back on me, I want all of you.” I breathe these words out slowly, because I feel the incredible sweet pain of the tip of him against the end of me.
“Wrap your legs around me, baby. I’m going to need a hard surface to give you what you need.” His eyes are alight with lust. He lifts both our bodies from the bath, and I grip, impaled and tight, against him. He swings me against the cold tiled wall, and I let out a cry as he surges forward, deeper. “Deep enough?” He grinds into me and takes my breath away.
“Deeper, all of you, Daniel, ahh!” I cry out and struggle to give him the words between my ragged breaths. He hooks my leg over the crook of his arms and lifts it pressing my thigh closer to the wall, stepping into each thrust, plunging into my core. My orgasm started as he lifted my leg, and I scream at the first wave of body-wracking convulsions, which start in my core and spread, tingling and pulsing, through every nerve like I’m on fire from within. He lunges as I tilt and scream then sink my teeth hard into his pectoral at the pain, as he comes, deep and hard, with long plunging strokes of his delicious cock. I am trembling uncontrollably, flushed and quaking.
“Fuck!” His hot breath gushes out into my hair, and he kisses the top of my head, all the while still slowly pumping the very last of him into me. He holds my face, and his tender smile is tinged with a sadness I don’t understand, but I get a flash chill that has nothing to do with our recent intimate exchange. “I love you, but I won’t tell you when we’re fucking, just in case you think I don’t mean it, understand?”
“Yes.” I am curious why he keeps needing me to confirm I understand, maybe it’s just that we are both new to relationships, and he doesn’t want any misunderstandings, but it feels a lot like being treated like a child. “So what did you want to talk about?”
“Put your robe on, we’ve got company.” He withdraws from me and I feel more than the physical loss.
“What? Fuck, Daniel, now I’m really embarrassed. There is no way whoever it is doesn’t know exactly what we’ve been doing!” My hands slap my blushing cheeks in horror.
“So?”
“God! Arghhhh!” I wrap the silk robe tightly around my waist and walk out to the living room. I plan on getting changed, but I should at least say hello first. I skid in my bare feet because Kit is sitting in the lounge with a glass of champagne in her hand. Her smile is tight when she spots me. Her face changes, and I guess that is the result of the footsteps behind me. Daniel squeezes my shoulder and tenderly kisses my neck.
“It’s all right baby, come on.” He takes my hand, walks toward the sofa, and pulls me onto his lap, an extremely intimate position given my state of undress, but he is entirely comfortable and my discomfort has nothing to do with what I’m wearing. “You know, it’s been over a week since the funeral, baby, and I thought, I’d hoped you would have contacted your sister. You know I’m worried about you. We’re worried about you.” I stiffen at this. “Kassandra came to me and asked for my help.”
“It takes two to communicate, Daniel.” I don’t point out that she could contact me any fucking time she wanted to.
“Baby, she’s hurt. She doesn’t understand why you stopped looking for her. I don’t understand but that’s not important. She’s frightened you’re going to reject her.”
“Sorry, sorry,” I stutter “Kit, Kassandra, you’re afraid of me?”
“Bethany, I forgive you, but I just feel so lost. In the space of a week, I’ve lost my mother and found a sister, who didn’t want to find me. I’m feeling a little vulnerable, and I know you don’t handle grief well. I just didn’t want to let you slip through my fingers now that I’ve found you.” She sobs into her pristine handkerchief. Wow! She is outstanding.
“We’re not going to let that happen.” Daniel’s soft kiss on my cheek makes me start.
“What do you mean, I don’t handle grief well? How would you know if you don’t remember?” My voice is tetchy, and the volume is steadily rising, not helping my position if I want to maintain control of this wildly spiralling reality.
“Daniel and I had lunch today at The Ivy.” I feel Daniel shift a little. “And I told him some things I remember now. When you were younger, you were in a very dark place one time, and we were worried that you might, well…” She leaves the sentence hanging, its understanding implicit. My head is spinning. “It was the time your little friend had his accident.” I stand and scowl pure hatred. I hope my feelings aren’t left ‘hanging’, subject to interpretation.
“You don’t get to speak about him.” I lean in with a menace I’ve have never felt before surging through my veins. “Ever!” I pull back and swing at Daniel, who looks like he is about to stand, maybe to intervene. “Is that why you pulled me from the bath? You thought I’d top myself? Ha!” I spin back around to face Kit. “Well, don’t flatter yourself.” I hug my robe a little tighter. “Was it everything you hoped it would be, sister, our little reunion?” I sneer, and I can see the look of mock horror on her face. My heart breaks, however, at Daniel’s face, because I can’t make out if it’s disappointment or disgust. I leave the room to the sound of her light pretty sobs telling Daniel that she had to tell him. She couldn’t live with herself if anything happened to me. After all, I’m all she’s got.
He is sitting on the bed when I leave the en-suite. My chest hurts at the slump of his shoulders. I can’t bear to see this, to see us erode before my eyes, but if she is hell-bent on playing the saintly injured party, I can’t see how this is going to go any way but hers.
“Can you tell me about him?”
Well, my reaction was crazy enough to spark some questions. Maybe if I can shed some light, I might not look so unhinged. “Yes, yes, I can.” I take my seat opposite from him. He is leaning against the headboard in his jeans and nothing else; even his bare feet look edible. “John.” Oh my, I feel a surge of sadness, a lump like a rock hits my throat, instant tears prick my eyes, and I fight a sob breaking to free itself from my chest. He is on me in an instant, pulling me into his lap curling his warm strong body around mine, protecting me from my pain, but my pain is inside, and he asked. He wants to know, he wants to see, he wants me to bleed. “Okay.” I try to laugh “This might not be pretty.”
“I’ve got you, baby.” His soothing deep voice helps me tell him stories I’d not told a soul. I told him of a pure love and a friendship. I spoke to him of our adventures. It wasn’t enough to tell him the facts. Facts are cold, and although true, they never reveal the truth, and I wanted Daniel to know the truth. I needed him to see the truth. “He told me the day he fought his brother that it did matter what people said about me, that I shouldn’t let them lie like I was nothing.” My cheeks are so wet I can’t feel the tears anymore. “He told me I was everything, and he died defending me. He died in my arms, telling me the same thing.” I close my sore eyes, and Daniel waits until my breathing is calm.
“You didn’t have a reputation. I don’t understand.” His soft words are filled with confusion.
“No, I didn’t have a reputation, and he still died defending me. I know his last fight was defending me.” When I’m not sad about this complete waste, I’m incredibly angry.
“Well, no wonder.” He sighs and kisses my hair, but I stiffen, and the hairs on my neck prickle.
“No wonder what?” I calmly ask. I don’t want him backtracking. I want to know how deep Kit’s infection is after everything I’ve just told him.
“Well, no wonder baby, you were in such a state. No wonder you were in a dark place. It’s understandable, completely understandable.” He is rushing his words. He must feel my tension, but I’m not fighting this, my instinct here is flight.
“That’s what you took from that? You know, I’ve never told anyone what I’ve just told you. But why would you believe me? I’m just an unstable sister-hating bitch, who should be on suicide watch. Didn’t stop you from fucking the life out of me though, did it?” He flinches at my harsh words, and I know it was a low blow, but he needs to be hurt enough to let me go. His face is again a mixture of shock and disgust, two for two. I’m on fire, and I’m going to burn for him. I hope I burn for the look of loss and pain his face is showing. This look now mirrors mine as I crawl from his lap, put my clothes on, and leave.