Everything that I could possibly sell is gone. It wasn’t much: some furniture, all my old scrubs, my TV, and my kitchen stuff, but it’s more than enough for a couple tanks of gas and enough peanut butter to last a whole summer.

Everything I need fits neatly into two duffle bags.

Everything else is about to go on the curb.

I’ve lost my damn mind, and it feels so amazing. For the first time in my life, I’m completely free. The sight of the empty apartment fills my heart with sheer joy. Someday soon, I’m sure someone just as sad as me can come here to be miserable for a little while.

Sure, I’ll need to figure out how I’m going to pay off my debt and function in society eventually, but the fact that it doesn’t have to be here in this town, surrounded by only reminders of everything I’ve ever done wrong is enough to make me feel confident that I made the right choice. There are hospitals literally everywhere in the world. I could even go the Doctors Without Borders route and really repent for my past transgressions.

Right now, though, all I need is some time to live on my own terms. No schedule. No obligations. No commitments. Nobody to hurt or hurt me. Just my crappy old car, a sleeping bag, and a pile of maps from state parks all over New York and New Hampshire to worry about this summer. I don’t have to be Doctor Sullivan. I don’t have to be Arthur’s ex-girlfriend. I don’t have to be the idiot who let the best man she’s ever met in her life slip through her fingers because I was too stubborn. I can just be free.

There’s still one thing I need to do to make things right. I pick up my phone and call the one person I know still remotely even cares about me. The one person that I care for with all my heart.

“Hey,” I say when she picks up. I want to be as apologetic as possible. I don’t feel good about how we left off, and it was all my own doing. Olive is such a beautiful person inside and out and she doesn’t deserve my abuse. “Got a minute?”

“Hi, Sloan,” she says. “I’m glad you called. I might lose service though. I’m on my way to… never mind that. What’s up?”

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I love you, Ollie. I don’t know why I lashed out on you like that. I’m a huge jerk.”

“It’s ok. I probably should’ve started our conversation with the part about how I told Gavin he was an asshole and kicked him in the nuts for you. You ran off before I could get into all that though,” she laughs. I don’t care if she’s serious or not. She gets me. “So what’s up with you now? Job hunting?”

“Actually, the hospital offered me a full-time position,” I tell her.

“That’s amazing!” I let a little silence lapse before I go on, knowing the next thing I say isn’t going to make her exactly enthused. “Did I lose you?” she asks.

“I didn’t take it.”

“Sloan!”

“I’ve spent my whole adult life always having someone telling me what to do. Be it Arthur, or my professors, or my superiors at the hospital. Maybe I’m crazy, but right now I want to make some choices for myself. I’m going on a road trip for the next couple months.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I would’ve happily come with you!”

“It was kind of a last-minute decision. And as much as I love you, I need to do this on my own.”

“When are you leaving? I want to see you!”

To be honest, I don’t want to see her. It’s not because I don’t love spending time with my best friend, but because I feel like she might talk me out of this. I’m already a little bit nervous, and it might make it even harder for me to make this leap.

“First thing in the morning,” I tell her.

“Well, I can turn around right now and be at your place in less than an hour.”

“Ollie, don’t,” I plead. “I promise I will call you. And I just might take you up on that offer of moving in with you when I get back. Is that still a thing?”

“It will always be a thing. I love you, girl. I think you’re nuts, but I don’t exactly hate this idea. Promise me you have protection though, Sloan.”

“Like your giant bag of condoms?”

“Now I’m definitely turning around and coming with you.” She giggles and it warms my heart. I can’t count how many times that laugh of hers got me through a rough patch in my life. “I’ll talk to you soon, Olive. While I’m tying up loose ends, can you tell Gavin something for me?”

“Why don’t you come up and do it yourself? He’s having his housewarming party tonight. I think he’d be happy to see you.”

I think about that beautiful house, the smell of cedar and the feel of his old t-shirt wrapped around me, and I know that going up there would be a terrible decision. I assume he’s moved on, and I don’t think I really have. Honestly, I miss him like crazy. So many times I’ve had to resist the urge to just pick up my phone and call him, so many nights I’ve thought about how much better it would be falling asleep wrapped in his arms. The ball is in his court though. I’m trying to cut ties and look into the future, not find excuses to drag myself backwards, especially if it leads to opening myself up to rejection again.

“You know I’m not going to do that,” I tell her.

“Hey, I think I’m gonna lose ya here,” she says. “If you change your mind, you know where I’ll…”

Her phone cuts out and all I can hear is silence before the beeping sound of a lost connection. I text her, knowing she probably won’t get it until the morning but it doesn’t matter.

“Thank you for everything. For loving me when I’m not always lovable. For accepting me for who I am and helping me become who I should be. I might not be here with you, but I’ll always be here for you. Talk soon.”

I know how much she loves waking up to a bunch of cheesy quotes when she’s hungover. I make sure to decorate each one with a handful of inappropriate emojis.

Everything is packed. My car is gassed. I just have to carry my coffee table down the hall to my neighbor’s apartment. I offered it to her as a way of thanking her for all the free Wi-Fi she’s given me unknowingly over the last few years.

She invites me inside, her place not much less sparse than mine, but she has sunny yellow curtains and the sound of nursery rhymes fill the air. Her young daughter is sitting in the corner playing with a doll.

“Here you are, Janine,” I say, placing the table in the middle of the room.

“You don’t know how much this helps,” she says. “Ever since Mike left us, I’ve been trying to piece things back together so she can have a chance at a normal life. I’ve just been scooping up furniture here and there.”

“Are you going to nursing school?” I ask, looking at the stacks of books on the countertop.

“I’m trying.” She smiles. “It’s hard when you don’t have the money, or anyone willing to give it to you for that matter.”

Don’t I know it. And I just had myself to look after.

“We’re happy though. I thought when Mike left that I had lost everything. Now I’m realizing I have more than I ever had. I get to live my life the way I want to live it. I get to raise my daughter to be the woman I want her to be. I’ll take freedom over his money any day.”

“You’re a strong woman. When you do finish nursing school, you need to give me a call. I will happily highly recommend you at Dixon.”

“You’re so kind. I’d love to work with you.”

I feel a slight twinge of sadness about the life I’m leaving behind and all the great people I got to work with, but I also know it’ll be there waiting for me when I come back. If I come back.

“Good luck, Janine. You’re going to do great no matter what you do. Bye, Lucy!” I say, waving to the little girl.

Now it’s time for me to go. One last night in the old apartment before I hit the road bright and early. I close the door behind me and start down the hall.