Chapter Five

Kevin

Two weeks, I thought. Two fun, good weeks. Mattie and I had talked almost every day on the phone. We’d spent last Saturday trapesing around the Seattle center and the ELP. Just talking. Just being together. Her hand in mine. Friends. Who were we kidding. I’d catch her looking at me a certain way and my heart would stop.

Without thinking, I’d brush her wind swept hair out of her eyes and she’d smile that special smile of hers.

No. this friend thing wouldn’t last. But now, we’d never really get a chance to find out. My heart pounded in my chest as I thought about what I had to tell her. She was not going to be pleased.

Sighing I watched the ferry wake turn and tumble before it disappeared back into the calm blue water. Oh, if only life could be like that. Brief turbulence quickly returning to calm.

Sighing, I made my way forward.

When we pulled into Seattle, she was waiting for me in the terminal. Tight jeans, a cute jacket, and scarf to match. A smile that could make a man feel good about the world. Beautiful Mattie.

Her smiles dropped, “What’s wrong?”

I tried to smile back. That was Mattie. I could never hide my feelings from her.

“Let’s get something to eat and I’ll tell you about it,” I said.

She frowned as she slipped her arm into mine. “Ivor’s?” she asked referring to our favorite seafood place just down from the terminal.

 I nodded, dreading what was about to happen.

After we had been seated and ordered our food. She turned to me and raised an eyebrow. Silently demanding I spill everything immediately.

I took a deep breath. Just get it over with. Fast and furious.

“The Med board came back. They want to retire me at sixty percent disability.” My heart pounded in my chest. Every time I thought about it, a sharp pain hit me in the gut.

Her eyes narrowed as she studied me. “What does that mean?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “It means in about ten days I’ll no longer be working for Uncle Sam.”

She gasped. “That soon? Can they do it that fast.”

I scoffed. “When they want to, they can move very fast. It’s amazing. It can take six months to get a box of pens but they can move a thousand men halfway around the world at a moment’s notice. So yeah. They can do it that fast. I’ve got a ton of leave on the books. No real household goods to move. So it’s just some paperwork. A handshake and hit the road jack.”

Her mouth hung open as she looked at me, obviously, she was having a problem processing it all.

“What are you going to do?” she asked.

Again, I shrugged my shoulders.

“Are you going to stay around here?” she asked with a hitch in her voice.

The hope in her eyes tore at me. This was what I had been dreading most of all.

“There’s something else,” I said. “Something I haven’t told you.”

She waited, her eyes boring into me.

“Besides my messed up knee and my missing spleen …”

“You’re missing your spleen? How?”

Ignoring her, I continued while I still had the guts. “Besides all the physical stuff. I’m sort of messed up in the head. I can’t settle down. I’m antsy all the time. Loud noises scare the crap out of me. I wake up some nights sweating like I’m locked in a box in the desert. Sometimes I get so angry is scares me.”

Her brow furrowed, “You seem fine around me.”

I laughed. “I’ve hidden it well. But even now. In a place like this. I feel like I’m trapped. I can’t even sit down and have a nice meal with a pretty girl without wondering if someone is going to crash through that door and try to blow us up.”

Her eyes softened with that Mattie look of concern that always made me love her even more.

“So, can’t they fix it. Shouldn’t they fix it before they let you go?”

“That’s the VA’s job. The Marines need to focus on fighting and winning. Not fixing broken parts.”

“It doesn’t seem right,” she said, leaning back as the waiter brought us our food.

All I could do was shrug.

“So, what are you going to do?” she asked again. This time there wasn’t that hope in her words. Just a concerned friend worried about me.

“To tell you the truth. I just need to get away.”

“Away? From what?”

I laughed. “People. Things. I need to get away and figure out what I’m going to do. Like I said, I’ve got a bunch of leave on the books. I was thinking of just getting in a car and driving. Finding some empty road and getting lost. Maybe camping along the way.”

“Camping?” she said with a surprised start. “I would have thought you had enough of that.”

I laughed. “Only this time, no one will be shooting at me.” Her frown at my joke made me smile.

“I don’t know where. I could end up in Alaska or Mexico,” I added. “I don’t know. I don’t want to make any plans. I just need to get away.”

She furrowed her brow for a long minute. Studying me like a puzzle that couldn’t be solved. At last, she seemed to come to decision and nodded.

“Okay,” she said. “I understand. But this time. No getting lost forever. You have to promise to stay in touch. Let me know how you’re doing.”

I leaned back, surprised that she was taking it so well. She saw my reaction and smiled. “Don’t be so surprised. I knew this was going to happen someday. It’s not for forever. Not this time. Remember. Friends. No broken hearts.”

Looking at her, I tried to figure out if this was the real Mattie. She was taking it so much better than I thought she would. And why did that thought make me a little mad inside?

.o0o.

Mattie

It took every part of me not to break down and beg him to stay. All I wanted to do was to hold onto him and never let him go. But I couldn’t. Not with Kevin. If I asked, he might do it and he’d end up hating me.

No. He needed to do this, I kept telling myself as I tried to remain calm and composed. Don’t let him see the truth, I told myself.

Smiling up at him, I reached out and covered his hand with mine. “No worries, Kevin. You do what you need to do. I know you. You’ll figure it out. You will find what you are searching for. I just know it.”

He smiled back at me rather weakly. As if he seriously doubted it.

Inside, my stomach was turning cartwheels. He was going to disappear again. I just had to make sure that we didn’t loose contact. That we at least stayed a part of each other’s life. Even if it was a distant part.

Sighing heavily, I focused on finishing my dinner while I worked on keeping my emotions in check. After dinner, we took a walk along the waterfront. The tap of Kevin’s cane keeping time with my heart.

“Will you tell Katie and Scott goodbye for me?” he asked as we turned to head back to the ferry terminal.

“What? You’re not going to say goodbye? This is our last time together before you leave?”

My insides sank to the ground as I tried to catch my breath. This was too fast. Too soon. I hadn’t expected it to happen like this. I had thought we would get at least one more time to be together.

He shook his head at my obvious confusion.

“I can’t,” he said slowly as a look of doubt and fear crossed his face. “I’m going to be running around like a chicken with his head cut off getting all the paperwork completed.”

“And after?” I asked. “I thought…”

He studied me for a moment. “You know me. I hate goodbyes. Better to just end it now. They’ll understand.”

I pulled him to a stop and stared into his eyes. He was serious. “You’ve got to call them at least. Give them a chance to say goodbye. You can’t just walk in and out of people’s lives like that. They deserve better.”

Kevin cringed with my verbal attack but then he nodded. “Okay, I’ll call them. But Katie is going to give me such a hard time.”

I shook my head. I guess Kevin really did hate goodbyes. Something I had never known before. But then. There had been just that one instance and a thousand other things had been involved.

Taking a deep breath, I held onto his arm. This was it then. When would I see him again? If ever. He said he would write. He’d promised to stay in contact. But would he? What if he disappeared off the face of the earth and I never knew what happened.

The sadness that washed over me was like a cloying film of despair. Why couldn’t he see what was here for him. Why couldn’t I be enough?

As he got his ferry ticket, I stood back and studied him. Trying desperately to capture every last detail. A tall, strong man. Wide shoulders sloping down to a narrow waist. Hands that had held my heart for too many years. Eyes that could see the true me. A man to love.

Holding the feeling close, I fought to stop a tear.

Turning, he walked back to me, leaning heavily on his cane. Giving me that quick smirk of his. The look that I would remember on my deathbed.

“They are already boarding,” he said with a sad smile.

I nodded, unable to speak, terrified I would say the wrong thing and ruin us.

He looked into my eyes and I could see that he was thinking the same thing. Don’t make this harder than it has to be, I told myself. I could cry later. Let him go.

I reached up and pulled him into a hug. A goodbye hug.

“Don’t you get lost again,” I whispered into his ear as I drank in that leathery musk of his one last time. “I’m here,” I said. “if you ever need me. I promise. Anywhere, anytime.”

He laughed and nodded as he leaned back and looked into my eyes. “Remember Mattie. For the rest of your life. Always remember, you are special. You deserve the best and I pray you get it.”

The look in his eyes of pain and regret ripped my soul in two and let loose the flood of tears I had held back. Sobbing, I buried my head in his chest and held on for one last minute. His strong arms wrapped around me. Holding me close. Letting me capture that last sense of Kevin.

A sharp announcement about the last chance to board broke through my sadness, forcing me to back away.

“I’ll write, I promise,” he said stepping back reluctantly.

I nodded, aware that he probably wouldn’t. If I was lucky, I might get a Christmas card letting me know where he was at. And even then. A few years from now they’d stop and I would always wonder why.

Biting my lip, I slipped my hands into my back pockets and stepped away from him, nodding for him to get going.

He studied me for a moment, a hesitant look in his eyes that made my heart jump. Then, he nodded one last time and turned for the boat.

I clenched my jaw and watched him walk away. Tall, strong, and so alone. My heart broke, as I had always known it would.

Once onboard, he turned to look back. Not to see if I was watching, but to give me one last sad smile.

Would this be the last time I ever saw him? I wondered. Kevin Hays, sailing off into the unknown without me.