Ethan

I opened the door and we were hit by a rush of cold air.

This was meant to be it. It was just coming up to midnight and the ring box in my pocket felt like it was on fire. It was going to have to stay where it was. God forbid I ask her to marry me. God forbid.

“Is it too cold?” I asked as we walked slowly around the edge of the viewing area, stopping at various places.

“I have you to keep me warm. And it’s too beautiful not to be out here. It’s incredible. How did you manage to get the whole place just for us?”

It hadn’t been easy and it hadn’t been cheap, but it was meant to have been for a once in a lifetime moment.

“I wanted tonight to be special, I told you.”

I hadn’t pressed her on her earlier revelation. Did she mean she didn’t want to get married to anyone, or just me? Was she bullshitting me? I knew she loved me. I felt it, but I hadn’t expected this. I wanted to marry her. I wanted her to wear my ring and tell the world that she was mine. Fuck.

I could feel her looking at me and without catching her eye, I bent down and kissed her on the corner of her lips.

“Kiss me properly, Ethan,” she whispered and her hands went to my hair as she pulled me toward her. “I feel like I lost you a little.” She ran her tongue across the seam of my lips and I closed my eyes and breathed her in. She was right, I needed to feel her, to taste her. I parted my mouth and she pushed her tongue against mine. She felt so good. She always felt so good.

“You’ll never lose me. You have me for as long as you want me,” I said, drawing away from our kiss.

“Long enough for you to push me in my wheelchair over Bow Bridge?”

“Longer.”

“Long enough for you to have to remember things for me because I can’t?”

“I do that already.”

“That’s true,” she said thoughtfully. “Okay, long enough that I can’t take my bra off without my boobs hitting the floor?” My mouth twitched at the corners. “And don’t you dare say that happens already.”

“Longer.”

“Long enough for us to wave our grandchildren off to college?”

“Longer.” My chest constricted but I managed to get that single word out. So kids were okay, grandkids were okay, but not marriage?

Our Q&A was interrupted by the sound of horns honking and people cheering and the distant pop of fireworks.

She grabbed my wrist to look at my watch and then up at me. “Happy New Year Ethan,” she said, grinning at me.

I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her toward me. “Happy New Year, Anna.”

* * * * *

When our fingers and toes had turned blue from cold, we headed home. Anna seemed excited by our trip and although I was pleased to have made her happy, I had hoped the evening would have turned out a little differently.

“Are you okay?” Anna asked as we carried pillows and blankets from the bedroom and arranged them on the floor opposite the views of the Hudson.

“I’m always okay if I’m with you.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

I wasn’t sure at all. Something hard had lodged in the pit of my stomach. “Of course. I’m just going to miss you, that’s all.”

“I’m going to speak to the partners as soon as I get in to the office. I’ll be back before you know it and then you won’t be able to get rid of me.”

“I can’t wait,” I said and kissed her on the head, trying to give her the reassurance I needed.

My phone vibrated against the table. Andrew and Mandy were calling.

Anna looked at me. “Are you going to get that?”

I shook my head. “No, let’s just be us tonight.” Mandy would be dying to hear about how my proposal went. What would I say?

“Can we stay up all night in our den of nakedness?”

“You’ll be begging for sleep before too long if you insist on being naked in our den.”

“Betcha I won’t,” she teased as she started to undo her blouse.

“That’s a bet I’ll take.”

* * * * *

If I’d taken much longer, Mandy would probably have called 911, but the traffic was a bitch on the way back from the airport.

“Hey,” she said as she answered the door and handed me a whiskey. “I thought you might need this.”

“Thanks,” I said and tipped my head back to take the glass full in two mouthfuls. “Can I come in?”

“God, yes. Come in, come in.”

I followed Mandy into the kitchen where she took my glass from me and poured me another.

“Hey, dude,” Andrew said as he saw me. I forced a smile and then slumped on the breakfast barstool and pushed my hands through my hair. “I don’t know how to feel.”

“Tell us what happened. Did she say no?” Mandy asked.

I’d had about three hundred missed calls from Mandy in the past twenty-four hours and I’d texted her on the way to the airport that we were headed to the airport as planned and that things hadn’t gone to plan. In response Mandy had simply told me to come to their place on the way back from the airport. At first I’d started to text back that I was going to go straight home, but I found that I wanted some company. I needed some help to understand what had happened and what it all meant.

“I didn’t ask her.”

“Ethan!” Mandy screamed. “She’s perfect for you. You can’t have changed your mind.”

“Mandy, honey, just listen to him,” Andrew said.

“She told me before I got the chance that she didn’t want to get married. What was I meant to say? ‘I know you don’t want to get married, but I really do and I’ve got the ring already and so could you just change your mind?’”

“She said she didn’t want to marry you? Are you sure?” Mandy asked, her face twisted in confusion.

I shrugged and took another slug of whiskey.

“What exactly did she say?”

“I can’t really remember, it’s all such a blur—we were talking about her moving to New York and I could tell she was a bit anxious about it. She was talking really fast and her barely there filter had disappeared completely. And she asked whether her moving was the right thing and she was answering her own question and said that at least she had a job and it wasn’t as if we were getting married—and then this bit I remember clearly—she said ‘god forbid.’ Yes, she said, ‘It’s not like we’re getting married—god forbid.’ And then she was talking about something else.

I looked up from my glass and Mandy was looking straight back at me with a scowl on her face. “Had you talked about getting married before? Kids, a dog? Had you ever heard anything like this from her before?”

I took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly as I thought about her question. “No. We were all about living in the here and now. She didn’t want to talk about the future in London. And then we agreed to try the long-distance thing and suddenly the future’s here and I have no fucking clue what’s going on. I guess I just assumed that if she was prepared to move to New York for me, she would be prepared to marry me for fuck’s sake.”

“More whiskey.” Andrew nodded at Mandy and she hurriedly poured out another glassful.

“It doesn’t sound like she doesn’t want to marry you,” Mandy said.

“She said ‘god forbid’, Mandy. Unless I’ve lost the ability to speak English, that’s not an exact translation of ‘Ethan, I’m desperate to be your wife and carry your children.’”

“What I meant was, I don’t think it’s personal.”

The whiskey was having the desired effect and it took my brain a few seconds longer than it should to process her words. “I’m not sure it matters,” I said finally.

“Maybe she just doesn’t believe in marriage?” Andrew said.

“That’s bullshit.” I tipped back my third generous glass of whiskey.