I could not wait for this dinner to be over.

I hadn’t even wanted a graduation dinner. It wasn’t like anything was changing for the foreseeable future. I was still going to be living at home, dealing with my mom’s insanity until the middle of August.

But it had occurred to me that maybe I could work the dinner to my advantage. I’d told my mom that Aisling and Caden and a bunch of other people from school were splitting the cost of a few hotel rooms and staying in the city for the weekend in celebration, and asked if I could go. When she’d brought up the dinner, I’d suggested we just do it in the city.

That was where I was supposed to be right now.

But last minute, my dad had decided he had too much work to do and didn’t want to spend that much time away from his office. I would have been happy to cancel, but my mom insisted we do something. Only now, all the restaurants in town were full of people who’d made reservations weeks ago, so we’d had to wait 40 minutes just to get a table at our local pizza place.

At dinner, they peppered me with questions about my weekend plans, and my summer plans, and whether I’d looked up the closest Target to Wrenville College. Well, no, that’s not actually true. My dad just ate his caesar salad in between scrolling through emails on his phone and sighing about how much work he had to do. My mom was the one who peppered me with questions—and she already knew the answers.

My weekend plans were to have fun in the city. My summer plans were to keep working at the paper and to see Nick as much as possible, though admittedly I didn’t say that last bit out loud. And I didn’t need to look up the closest Target to Wrenville because she’d already done that, programmed it into her phone, and begun a shopping list a hundred pages long.

Thinking about that list—thinking about college at all—just made my stomach cramp. I couldn’t explain that to anyone though. Certainly not to her.

No, Mom, I haven’t started my packing list yet because not only is it still June, but I’m no longer sure I actually want to go to the place I’ve dreamed of getting into for years, because yeah, it’s a great school, but what the hell does it matter how good the school is if it takes me away from Nick?

I tried to tell myself I was being stupid. Melodramatic. Ridiculous. But I couldn’t help feeling like going to Wrenville was a mistake.

I knew I was the only one who thought so. Hell, Nick himself couldn’t stop talking about how much I was going to love it, how amazing it was going to be. I was pretty sure he was just trying to be supportive, but I wished he’d stop it. The more he talked about how great the fall was going to be, the more I was starting to feel like he was looking forward to having me gone.

I knew that didn’t make any sense, but I was a wreck, and his enthusiasm didn’t help. How could he not see how awful this would be, if I left? It didn’t matter how often we visited each other. Unless he visited me permanently from August through May, it wasn’t going to be enough.

As if having Nick on my mind had summoned him, my phone buzzed with a text from Nick. I put my pizza slice down and pulled my phone out, angling the screen away from my mom.

NICK: Are you sure you still want to come in? If it’s too much or too stressful, we can definitely reschedule

Jesus, he couldn’t stop doing it. He was just trying to be understanding—and I couldn’t help feeling like he was trying to get me not to come in. I knew I was being silly, but dammit, could Nick be a little less supportive and loving for once?

ELI: I’ve been looking forward to tonight since January. There’s no way in hell I’m waiting even another 24 hours. I’ll text you as soon as I’m on the train

“Care to join the conversation?” my mom said, arching an eyebrow when I looked up.

Not that there was a conversation to join—she’d stopped talking about electric tea-kettles and hot plates a few minutes ago and we’d been eating in silence since then. Still, she looked pointedly at my phone and I flushed.

“Sorry,” I said, putting it away.

“Honestly, you just saw your friends a few hours ago at the ceremony. What could you possibly have to talk to them about now?”

“I said I was sorry.”

My mom looked at my dad, but he didn’t seem to be aware either of us even existed, let alone that my mom wanted his attention. His eyes were glued to his phone’s screen.

“Kenneth?” she said, placing her hand over his. “A little support here would be nice.”

“Hmm?” My dad looked up and seemed surprised to find her talking to him. “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

“I was saying that maybe Eli could learn to put his phone down once in a while and join the rest of the table, but apparently, he gets that trait from you, so perhaps I shouldn’t have bothered.”

“I’ve got work, Nora,” my dad said, sounding annoyed. “Would you prefer I not keep a roof over our heads?”

“Fine then,” my mom said, throwing up her hands. “I thought we could have a nice family dinner, but apparently I’ve been overruled.”

“Mom, it’s okay. I’m sorry for pulling my phone out, but I promise, I won’t look at it for the rest of dinner.”

“I don’t know why I bother. You might as well go see your friends now, if you’re just going to be texting them anyway.”

“No, really. This is a great dinner,” I said quickly. “I really appreciate it. Thank you for taking me out. It’s—it’s really nice of you.”

My mom sighed, still looking injured. “Well, if it’s Caden you were talking to, at least tell him I hope his grandmother is doing better.”

“His grandmother?” I blinked. What was she talking about? Caden’s grandmother lived in Korea, and—oh. Right. The lie I’d told my mom. “Yeah, she’s actually doing okay now, I think.”

It would be really nice not to have to lie to my parents someday.

“It uh—it actually wasn’t Caden or one of my friends,” I said after a moment, sprinkling some more red pepper on my pizza and taking a bite. I swallowed. “It was uh, Nick Sawyer? You know, the youth group advisor at Mountview, the one who had to leave halfway through the year?”

“Oh.” My mom’s eyebrows rose. “Really? I didn’t know you had kept in touch.”

“I mean, we’re—” I shrugged. “We’re not close really, but yeah, we talk sometimes. He was just telling me congratulations.”

Not the truth, but at least a step in the direction of the truth.

“Actually,” I went on. “He read some of my writing and helped me with some essays this year.”

“Well that was kind of him,” my mom said, her eyebrows climbing up to her scalp. “I’m sure there are things he’d rather be doing than reading a teenager’s writing assignments.” She snorted gently. “I don’t suppose we have him to thank, for the uptick in your grades the second half of this year? I was wondering if there were some kind of outside influence, seeing as how you’ve never cared that much before on your own.”

“Yeah, I mean.” I flushed. “Yeah, he’s really—he’s great.”

“Well.” My mom took a dainty sip of her water, then cut another piece of her pizza with her knife and fork. “That’s very sweet of him to take an interest in you. Don’t you think, dear?” She touched my dad’s hand again.

“What?” He looked up, then immediately back at his phone.

“I said that was very nice of Nick, to take an interest in Eli,” my mom repeated. “Don’t you think?”

“Oh. Right, of course. Very good of him. Always thought he was a good teacher. Smart of the school district to hire him.”

“Kenneth, he wasn’t a teacher, he was their advisor. From church, remember?” my mom said, clearly suppressing a sigh. “Ringing any bells?”

“Of course. That’s what I meant.” My dad didn’t even glance up this time.

I rolled my eyes, and my mom noticed and glared at me, which was hardly fair. My dad was always like this. I didn’t know why she pretended he was involved in our lives at all.

The rest of dinner dragged on interminably. I began to feel like I was stuck in purgatory, and I’d be eating limp pizza with my parents for all eternity, but finally we finished, and my dad drove back to the office while my mom took me to the train station.

I felt jittery waiting for the train to arrive, but the jitters switched to a high-frequency vibration once I was on the train. My whole body felt like it had been drawn taut like a bowstring, ready to be loosed. I texted Nick to let him know which train I was on. Calculated exactly how many minutes it would take me to walk from Penn Station to his apartment. Stared out the window and willed the train to go faster.

I was practically buzzing when the train finally pulled into Manhattan, emerging from the solid rock beneath the river into the dim light of the cavernous space beneath the station. My heart thumped, its rhythm strangely syncopated as everyone stood and began to file off. The clumping, clustering groups of other passengers disembarking seemed to move at a glacial pace. I wanted to scream.

I scanned the platform when I finally got off the train car, looking for Nick’s face. Not that I expected to see him, exactly. I’d told him I’d meet him at his place, after all. Only—well, part of me thought it was the kind of thing Nick might have done, coming down to meet me here, the same place where everything had begun.

I tried not to be disappointed, climbing up to the NJ Transit waiting area in a daze. There was nothing to be disappointed about. In thirty minutes, I’d be at Nick’s door, and finally, finally, we’d get to be together the way I wanted—no, needed—to be with him. I got on the escalator up to the 7th Avenue exit, pulling my phone out to tell Nick I’d arrived, and then stopped, my mouth hanging open, as I saw him waiting for me at the top.

Nick smiled when he saw me—a smile that grew wider and warmer the closer I got. I stepped off the escalator in disbelief. People pushed past me on either side, but I barely noticed. Nick was here, right here, in front of me, and he filled every one of my senses.

I threw my arms around him and hugged him so hard that he stumbled back. Before I could apologize, though, Nick picked me up and spun me around in a circle. And when he set me down, he kissed me. On the mouth, right there with strangers streaming around us, fluorescent lights beaming down, and busses, taxi horns, and sirens blazing past on the street outside.

It was the least romantic setting for a kiss that I could imagine. And it was perfect. His lips were so fucking soft, but the kiss was hot and hungry, like Nick was trying to make up for lost time. I was out of breath when he finally let me go.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying my damndest not to cry and not quite succeeding.

“I came to surprise you.” Nick grinned. “I thought about going down to the platform, but I figured it would be more of a surprise out here.”

“I hate you. How come you’re so perfect?”

“You inspire me.” Nick took my hand and pulled me a few steps further from the escalator and out of the flow of foot traffic. “Are you hungry? Do you wanna stop anywhere before we head home?”

“I just ate the world’s slowest dinner with my parents. I don’t even want to think about food for the next 24 hours.”

“Just making sure. Is there anything else you need?” He frowned and looked at the backpack in my hand. “That doesn’t look like a lot, for a whole weekend. Do you need to stop at a drugstore, or—”

“Nick, if we’re not home at your apartment and naked within 30 minutes, I think I’m going to scream. Take me home. Please.”

Nicks smiled and brushed his fingers down my cheek. “Yeah, I can do that.”

Nick held the door open to his building and ushered me inside, but I let him lead the way up the stairs. The walk over hadn’t even been that long, and Nick had been by my side the whole time, being his usual sweet, dorky self. But somehow, now that we were here, I found myself feeling strangely shy.

I followed him into his apartment and watched Nick step into the living room. The sun streaming in through the windows silhouetted him and turned everything else gold. But I stayed back in the nook by the door, not quite able to go further inside.

“What’s wrong?” Nick asked, turning in confusion when he noticed me hanging back.

“Nothing.” I shook my head. “I’m just—” And suddenly, I couldn’t say it. I wasn’t even sure what the words were, but they stuck in my chest. “I’m just—”

I left the sentence unfinished, looking at Nick helplessly, and then he was there, wrapping his arms around me.

“Hey,” he said, holding me tight. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay.”

“I’m just—” I tried to figure out how to explain the sudden pressure in my chest, like this giant wave had knocked me over and was holding me underwater. “I’ve just been waiting for so long and—and I kinda felt like this was never gonna happen.”

“I know,” Nick said, laughing a little. “Trust me, I know the feeling. But that’s okay, right? We made it.”

“Yeah, I know. It just feels like—” I took a deep breath and looked up at Nick. “I know this sounds insane, but it feels like everything’s going to be different now. What if this changes everything?”

“Oh baby, no.” Nick rubbed his hands up and down my back like he was trying to warm me up. “It’s gonna be okay. Listen, we don’t even have to have sex. There is no pressure. I’m not going to want you any less, not going to love you any less, if we don’t. We can spend the whole weekend on the couch watching Netflix and I would be just as happy. Nothing’s gonna change the way I feel about you.”

“I want to,” I said fiercely. “You know I do. Don’t think you’re getting out of here without fucking me six ways from Sunday. You promised I wouldn’t be able to walk when you sent me home and I’m holding you to that.” I glared at Nick and Nick laughed. “I guess part of me is just afraid that somehow like, this is the one thing we haven’t done, and what if that’s somehow all that’s keeping us together? What if you don’t want me anymore after, you know?”

“Oh, Eli.” Nick’s voice was so warm, and his eyes were so full of love that I felt silly. “I love you. And I’m always going to love you. I couldn’t stop if I tried.”

“You did try,” I reminded him.

“I did. You’re right. I tried all fall, and you know what? It didn’t fucking work. I’m in love with you and I can’t do a damn thing to change it, so you’re pretty much stuck with that.”

“You promise?” I asked, my voice still a little tremulous.

“I promise.”

“Good.” I nodded. I loved Nick, and he loved me, and I was just over-thinking things again. I looked up at Nick, the care in his eyes giving him a concerned single dad vibe that was somehow even hotter than his usual sexy librarian vibe, and decided I didn’t want to wait anymore. I pulled my t-shirt off over my head and tossed it on the floor. “Let’s do this.”

Nick laughed and shook his head. “Jesus, you don’t mess around.”

“Hey man, I’ve been waiting.” My hands moved to my belt. “Tick tock.”

“Ok, at least come into the bedroom.” Nick bent to pick up my shirt and took my hand. He drew me into the living room and towards the bedroom, but I stopped and pulled the other way.

“Where are we going?” Nick asked, still laughing as I tugged him around to the front of the couch. “There’s a bed like, right there.”

He gestured over my shoulder, but I just shook my head and pushed Nick down onto the sofa, then climbed on top of him, straddling him over the cushions.

“Do you have any idea,” I asked, “how long I have dreamed of you fucking me on this couch?” I ran my hands down Nick’s chest, grabbing the bottom of his shirt and pulling it up. “How many times I’ve thought about exactly this over the past 10 months? How many times the image of this has been the only thing getting me through all the other shit in my life?”

Nick chuckled, but he put his hands on my wrists and stopped me from lifting his shirt up further. I’d only exposed about two inches of skin and it was nowhere near enough. Not that I hadn’t seen Nick shirtless before—but this was different.

Before, it had only been incidental shirtlessness. This was shirtlessness with a purpose. A sex purpose—and that made all the difference. It made everything new, and something hungry stirred inside me at the sight of those two inches of skin.

“All because I let you sleep on the couch that night?” Nick asked.

“All because you wouldn’t sleep on it with me,” I told him.

Nick snorted. “I promise, you’re not missing anything. This couch is barely big enough to fit two people spooning—let alone two people trying to have sex.”

“Just trying?” I said, arching an eyebrow.

“It’d be damn hard to succeed with such little space to work with.”

“The amount of times I’ve gone back to that night,” I insisted, “and imagined you climbing up to join me at 3am, kissing me until I woke up.”

“Eli, I—”

“And you’d look at me,” I went on, ignoring him entirely, “and I’d start to say something, but you’d kiss me before I could, and I’d just know that like, as long as neither of us talked, you would make this one exception and break your rule. We could just pretend it never happened the next morning, as long as neither of us spoke about it.”

Nick exhaled in a rush.

“What?” I asked, biting my lip. “Too much?”

“No.” Nick shook his head ruefully. “God no. I’m just wondering when you got the keys to my brain, and how you managed to have exactly the same fantasy as I did.”

“I mean, I don’t know if you know this,” I told him, trying to stifle a giggle, “but I did just graduate high school. So I’m pretty smart.” I tried to lift Nick’s shirt again. “Now let me take your shirt off and we can actually make that fantasy a reality.”

Nick rolled his eyes but obediently lifted his arms up and let me tug his shirt off over his head—he even grabbed it from me before I could throw it on the floor. But any sarcastic remark I might have made about his neat-freak tendencies flew right out of my head. Because it was quite clear that there were more important things to concentrate on.

Things like Nick’s shoulders. And his chest. And his stomach that somehow managed to show off his washboard abs while he sat in a position that would have made a string bean look fat. I wanted to run my hands all over his muscles. Fuck, forget my hands—I wanted to run my tongue all over them, and then down to that trail of dark hair that started just below his belly button, disappearing underneath his jeans.

“Fuck,” I breathed, my fingers reaching out to trace across Nick’s pecs. “How is it possible that you’re even hotter than I remembered?”

Nick blushed. “I uh, may have asked Luke to start kicking my ass in workouts for the past couple months. Maybe, possibly, in, um, anticipation.”

“Nick Sawyer, are you telling me that you were looking forward to this?” I grinned. “That you were nervous about this?”

I traced a finger along Nick’s jaw line, then slid it over his lower lip. The idea that Nick had wanted to look good—for me—took my breath away.

“You still have no idea what you do to me, do you?” Nick took my hand and curled my fingers in, brushing his lips across the backs of them. “I’ve never been more nervous in my life. And looking forward to this? Are you fucking kidding me?”

He unfurled my index finger, then slid it into his mouth, his tongue swirling around it. He drew it out slowly, his eyes locked on mine, and my stomach thumped.

“You’re so fucking sexy, and I can’t believe I finally get to have you.” Nick grabbed my belt, tugging me forward and creating a delicious friction in the khakis my mom had insisted I wear for the graduation ceremony. Damn. Greedy, manhandling Nick was hot.

His hand went to the back of my neck and pulled me down, our lips crashing together. Nick’s mouth claimed mine completely, his tongue tangling with mine, before his lips slid down onto my neck, then chest, kissing and sucking the skin there. If this was any indication of what the next 48 hours held, I was going to go home on Sunday covered in hickeys from Nick. And I didn’t fucking care. Hell, I wanted people to see. Wanted them to know I belonged to him.

“Do you know what I did, the first day I met you?” Nick asked, flicking his tongue across my nipple. “I got to my dad’s house that night, and I jerked off, thinking about how I should have gotten onto your train car with you. Thinking about how the train was empty enough that I could have gotten down on my knees and blown you right there in your seat.”

He bit down on my nipple, then caressed it with his tongue, and I gasped. I’d already been hard, but I was positively throbbing now.

“The only problem with that fantasy,” Nick continued, shifting his attention to the other side of my chest, “is that that scenario didn’t involve you getting undressed, and I knew I wanted that from the minute I saw you.”

Nick’s right hand slid around to cup my ass, his left hand gripping my waist as he teased my nipple with his tongue.

“This,” Nick said, “is so much better.”

I laughed, a little embarrassed by the heat in Nick’s voice. “Well, thanks, I guess. For not being disappointed when you finally got what you wanted.”

Nick peered up at me. “Are you serious?”

“I know I’m not like…” My face colored. “I mean, I clearly haven’t been letting anyone kick my ass in the gym.”

“Are you insane?” Nick asked. “Eli, I love your body.” He stroked his hand up my side and I shivered. “I forbid you to feel bad about it.”

“You forbid me?” I asked, smiling in spite of myself.

“Utterly and completely,” Nick said with a hard stare. “I mean it.”

Shit. Pushy, demanding Nick was as hot as greedy, possessive Nick. I liked this side of him.

“What’re you gonna do if I don’t obey?” I asked, unable to help myself.

“I mean, I suppose we’d have to figure out some sort of appropriate punishment.” Nick laughed. “I don’t like to think of myself as a disciplinarian. And you are kinda skinny, so I’d have to be gentle.”

Oh. My face fell.

“Hey, I was just kidding,” Nick said, rubbing a circle on my lower back. “Baby, I would never hurt you.”

“It’s not that,” I said, hating how insecure I sounded. “It’s just, like, wouldn’t it have been better if I were, you know—like, if I looked a little less like the high school student you already felt guilty about me being, maybe you’d, you know—maybe you’d have liked me more.”

“Oh, God, Eli, no.” Nick reached up and tilted my chin down, and his mouth curled into a smile. “I cannot believe I’m telling you this, because it is pretty fucking horrific of me, but the night I got home from the Murray Grove con… Christ, this is awful and I’m still pretty convinced I should be in jail, but I came home that night and I jerked off thinking about fucking you in my car.”

“You what?”

“I got back here, and I thought about how now that I knew who you were, I’d never get to have you. And then, I thought about how part of me didn’t even care that you were in high school. And I jerked off thinking about how I should have found a way to drive you home from the con. And how maybe you would have tried to convince me again that you weren’t too young. And that time, I wouldn’t have shut you down so fast. And that would make you bold enough to kiss me. And then I’d kiss you back, and you’d tell me that you understood it could only be this one time, that we couldn’t do anything else, but you’d beg me to fuck you. And I would.”

“Jesus.”

“The fact that you were in high school? That it would have been wrong? That only made it hotter. We’d drive somewhere secluded, and you’d let me undress you, and you’d be naked in my lap, and your body—fuck, you’d fit perfectly against me, just like this. And every time you saw me after that, you’d know that you’d had me inside you. You’d know how hard I could make you come.”

“Holy shit.”

I’d never felt more, well, naked—and I was still wearing pants. But hearing Nick say all that—and feeling how hard he was as he said it—made me feel stripped bare. Exposed. And I loved it.

A thought occurred to me.

“I can’t believe you were jerking off, thinking about fucking me, the whole fall, while you kept telling me you didn’t want me. That’s not very fair.”

“I didn’t say I was proud of it.” Nick looked sheepish. “I’m just saying… don’t get the idea that your body is some kind of disappointment. It’s, uh, very much the opposite.”

I snorted. “Well it’s very kind of you to say all that.”

Nick’s eyes narrowed. “You sound like you don’t believe me.”

“I’m not saying I don’t believe you. Just that, I don’t know.” I cocked my head to the side. “There are some things that don’t add up.”

“Like what?” Nick asked, looking indignant.

“Well like, you say you wanted to fuck me in your car, but you’re also the guy who’s absurdly concerned with my health and safety. How was this car sex supposed to work? You have a box of condoms in your glovebox or something?”

“Well, if you must know,” Nick said, his cheeks turning pink, “Adam and Ben used to tease me so much about my love life that they started buying me condoms and little packets of lube all the time. So I have some in my wallet. And yes, I know that’s not actually a safe place to keep condoms, but I couldn’t help keeping them in there, on the off chance that maybe one day you’d see inside my wallet for some reason, and you’d notice them, and you’d wonder if I was thinking about you.”

“Oh my God.”

“I told you,” Nick said, fixing me with a stare. “I wanted you. Want you,” he corrected himself, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to my sternum. “And I think that is quite enough talking.”

He stood up abruptly, and I yelped, throwing my legs around him so I wouldn’t fall. Nick’s hands went to my ass, and he stepped away from the couch. I gave him a suspicious look.

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going to my bed,” Nick said, “where we can do this properly.”

“But I thought you said you’d—”

“Fantasies are one thing, but I’m not going to let our first time be on my shitty old couch,” Nick said, walking through the living room.

“No fair.”

“Oh, yeah, completely no fair,” Nick said, stepping into the bedroom. “Sorry, did I give you the impression that any of this would be fair? My bad.”

“This is highly irregular, and I demand that you let me go,” I told him, trying really hard to be annoyed he was taking us away from the couch, instead of being turned on by how strong he was, just picking me up and carrying me around like it was nothing.

“Let you go? Well Eli, if that’s what you wanted, why didn’t you just say so?”

Before I could reply, Nick did just that, dropping me onto the bed and then climbing on top of me. Our legs tangled together as he kissed me, and I ran my hands through his hair, arching my back up off the mattress and pressing against him.

He smiled at me as he pulled back. “Sorry,” he said, seeming, at most, about five percent remorseful. “We can go back to the couch if you want. I just really wanted to know what it would feel like to finally do that. To kiss you like I wanted to, right here in bed.”

“Nah. Here’s good.”

The late evening sunlight was making dust motes dance in the air, and turning Nick’s brown hair a burnished gold. And I know I say this every time Nick smiles, but he smiled at me right then and he’d never looked more beautiful.

“I love you,” I whispered.

Nick kissed my nose. “I love you too.”

And suddenly it was like we’d exhausted all the words between us. Maybe we just didn’t need them anymore. Nick leaned in, his lips catching mine, pulling me into another kiss that was slow and sweet like honey, like the molten sunlight setting the world on fire.

I lost myself in it, my fingers stroking the back of Nick’s neck, digging into his back, and I was so far gone that it took me a second to realize he was kissing down my jaw now, and onto my neck. He nipped and sucked at the skin there, then kissed my chest.

I kneaded Nick’s shoulders as his body slid along mine. I could feel how hard he was, and fuck, I wanted him. I gasped as he kissed my stomach. His lips were warm, but I sucked in a sharp breath as he kissed right above my belt, then slid his hand across my groin, palming my cock as it pressed upwards against the fabric of my pants.

“Okay?” Nick asked, his eyes heavy-lidded with desire, and I changed my mind. This was the most beautiful Nick had ever looked, positively feral and yet somehow still stopping to check in and make sure this was what I wanted.

I nodded frantically. “Yeah.”

His hand moved to my belt. “And okay if I take these off?”

“Yeah. Fuck yes. All of it is okay. Just get it—take it—fuck—” I started to undo my belt, unable to keep still anymore, but Nick placed his hands on top of mine.

He pressed another kiss to my stomach. “Let me, okay?”

And dammit, I was incapable of denying Nick anything, even when I actually wanted to, because the next five minutes felt more like five hours as Nick undid my belt, unzipped my fly, and pulled everything down excruciatingly slowly, like he was unwrapping a gift with as much appreciation as possible.

The only consolation came from the way Nick’s eyes widened when he pulled my khakis down far enough to see that I wasn’t wearing my standard boxer-briefs, just a jock strap in a dark forest green.

“Jesus,” Nick breathed, his hand stroking up my thighs but stopping short of the garment itself, like he was scared to touch it. “I didn’t know you owned this.”

“You never asked,” I said, trying to sound cool and arch, but just sounding breathy because Jesus, Nick could see how hard I was, but his fingers weren’t coming anywhere near my cock, and wasn’t that the whole point of taking my pants off?

“Why the change tonight?” Nick asked. He licked his lower lip but I didn’t think he was even aware of it.

“Maybe because I’m psychic and I had a hunch it was going to take you 500 million years to get me naked. I figured you’d need all the help you could get. One less article of clothing to remove, in a pinch.”

“Like I’d settle for anything less than touching every inch of your skin.”

“Then hurry up and do it.”

“Pushy, pushy.”

But Nick seemed to understand that I might actually combust on the spot if he didn’t get a move on, because he finally pulled my jock off, letting my cock bounce free. He traced his fingers across my hip and slowly slid them towards my cock, looking a silent question at me.

“Please,” I begged. “God, please.”

I trembled as Nick’s tongue swirled around the tip, then whimpered when he parted his lips and slid me into his mouth. Fuck, that felt good. I moaned as Nick sucked more of me down, and had to throw my arm over my eyes in an effort to block out some of the stimulation.

Nick was moving slowly, so slowly, like he was savoring this, and it was almost enough to make me start to feel self-conscious. Except that it felt too good for me to care. I peeked out from underneath my arm, sneaking a look down at Nick. He closed his eyes as he ran his tongue up the underside of my cock.

Maybe he was enjoying this. The thought made my stomach turn a somersault, and Nick must have sensed something, because he looked up then, his eyes locking onto mine, as he sank down around me, taking me all the way in.

It felt so good—too good, actually. I was dangerously close to coming, and Nick wasn’t even undressed.

“Oh God, stop—stop,” I said, grabbing at his arm frantically. “Please, you have to stop.”

“What’s wrong, baby?” Nick asked, pulling off of me in a flash. “We can stop, we don’t have to—”

“No, no, shut up. Not that kind of stop.” I laughed, wondering if I sounded unhinged. Well, I basically was. I was so fucking hard, and desperate to feel Nick inside me. “I just don’t want to come too soon, and you’re still wearing your jeans.”

Nick gave me a rueful look. “I got distracted.”

“I know. So take care of that. Now, please.”

For once, he actually did as I asked, and shucked his jeans and boxers quickly before trying to climb back on top of me. But I pushed him over onto his back and then straddled him, leaning down and bracing with my hands on either side of his face.

“Someone’s demanding,” Nick said.

“You’re the one who said he should go to jail,” I pointed out. “I’m just honoring your wishes, see? I’ve got you trapped.”

“Is that right?” Nick arched an eyebrow, then slid a hand up to my cock and began to stroke me. “Because I bet if you just give me thirty seconds, I might be able to—”

“No, no, no,” I said, pushing his hand away. “No, you keep saying that you’re gross and disgusting and perverted and all that, and frankly, I think that you’re the one who needs discipline. So you’re just going to lie here and take what I give you, and that’s that.”

Nick glared mutinously, but he didn’t actually move, so I let myself do what I’d been wanting to do since he got naked, which was get up close and personal with his cock. It was gorgeous, and I stroked the shaft lightly with my fingertips as I kissed his thigh, before looking up at him questioningly.

“You’re not gonna have some kind of weird last-ditch moral freakout if I put your dick in my mouth, right?

“I think we’re a little beyond that,” Nick gasped as I played with the head of his cock.

“Good.”

I leaned in and took him in my mouth. God, he tasted good, and the way he responded to me was without a doubt the hottest thing I’d ever experienced. Granted, I hadn’t exactly sucked a lot of cock before this, but I couldn’t imagine a partner being more appreciative than Nick. He seemed to lose his mind when I so much as breathed close to his skin, let alone touched him.

“Eli, oh fuck, Eli that’s so good,” Nick said as I sucked him in and out, letting him fill my mouth completely. His cock was too big for me to actually take all of at once—I’d have to work on my gag reflex—but I did the best I could, and Nick babbled praise, his hands caressing my hair as I circled the tip of his cock with my tongue before taking him down again.

“Fuck, that’s good, baby. Oh, Eli, you’re—oh fuck, yes. That’s fuck—fuck, Eli, that’s actually too good.” He squeezed my shoulder for a second. “That’s problematically good.”

I laughed as I pulled off him. “Well now you know what it feels like.”

“What did I do to deserve you?”

“I don’t know. Must have really fucked up in a past life.” I glanced over at his nightstand. “I can’t believe I haven’t snooped around and actually have to ask this, but do you have lube in there?”

Nick laughed. “I do.”

“Well then let’s do this.” I leaned over to open the drawer, but Nick pulled me back.

“Hey, what’s the rush?”

“Um, the rush is that I’m going to scream if you’re not fucking me within the next 60 seconds. I mean, I might also scream if you are fucking me, but like, in a good way.”

“Please.” Nick drew me close to him. “I promise I’ll take care of you. Just let me—”

He didn’t finish his sentence, he just pulled me in and kissed me. Slowly, he turned me over so I was lying on my back, his cock sliding against mine as he moved on top of me. Fuck, that was good. I didn’t even notice that Nick must have reached over and gotten the lube until he tossed the bottle onto the bed and pulled back.

Spreading my legs apart, Nick moved between them and kissed my inner thighs before moving towards my cock. I was about to protest that I really didn’t think I could take any more of that without coming—until I realized Nick wasn’t moving towards my cock at all. Pushing my legs wider, he lifted me up slightly and looked at me.

“Can I?”

“Yes,” I breathed, biting my lip. “Yes.”

No one had ever done that to me before and I wondered if I should tell Nick that, or let him know I didn’t really know what he needed me to do, but then he kissed my hole and it was all I could do to remember how to breathe.

Nick’s tongue was gentle, soft as it slid in circles around my entrance, then across it, then up and down, never quite establishing a rhythm, only sticking with one motion long enough for me to start to whine with pleasure, then switching to another.

Not that it was really possible to get used to something that felt like that—so soft and gentle, but forbidden. I felt vulnerable, but I didn’t want him to stop. And then Nick pressed his tongue inside me and I lost all capacity for rational thought. So this was why people liked rimming. It made sense now. Nick’s mouth was so wet, and I felt like I was floating on a cloud made of angel orgasms.

I couldn’t keep it together any longer. I closed my eyes and let go, feeling myself start to cry. Not a bad kind of crying at all, just the kind of soft release that came from Nick opening me up, making me feel things I’d never felt before, things I never knew I needed. He slicked his fingers with lube and slid one inside me, so slowly that I wanted to scream. Not in frustration but with pleasure, with how good it felt.

I could live a hundred lifetimes and never find someone as good as Nick, I realized. Someone who loved me for who I was, who didn’t think I was too much or too weird or too emotional. Someone who loved me better and more completely than I’d ever believed I would find.

I was trying to be quiet, but I must have breathed too deeply at that thought, because something like a sob—okay, it was an actual sob—ripped from my chest and Nick pulled back, his eyes wide, and in an instant he was lying next to me again, his hand going to my face.

“What’s wrong baby?”

“Nothing,” I said, laughing helplessly. Of course I was crying. I didn’t even care anymore. I’d never felt so content, so at peace with myself, knowing that Nick accepted me just as I was. “Don’t you realize by now that there is nothing you could do that would upset me? That these are always going to be happy tears?”

Nick’s look of concern lessened, but it didn’t go away completely. Still laughing, I pressed my lips to his, not caring if that was weird or gross, just wanting to tell him, to show him somehow, that he could never do anything to hurt me, that he’d given me so much, made me so much stronger than I was before.

Nick didn’t object when I put the bottle of lube back in his hands. He just looked into my eyes and when I nodded, he nodded back and smiled. It felt like an instant and an eternity all at the same time, but then he was at my entrance, his cock slick and hard.

I spread my legs and felt Nick’s cock slide inside me, slowly, gently, and I exhaled. It felt like welcoming him home, like a part of me coming back to myself, as he sank all the way into me. It felt right.

Nick was so tender, his motions so tiny at first. His eyes fixing on me, he rocked his hips, pressing harder into me for just a second before easing the pressure off. I gasped, pulling at his hips, begging him to do it again.

He did. Fuck, it felt good having him fill me. I’d wanted this for so long.

“More,” I begged. “More, please.”

Nick obliged, sliding out a few inches before sinking back in. It was exactly what I wanted, and even as Nick leaned in to kiss me, pumping into me slowly, he responded to the slightest shifts in my breathing, the tiniest movements of my body, giving me what I needed. I urged him on, begging him to go faster, losing myself in how good he felt inside me.

“Fuck, Nick, yes,” I breathed. “Oh, God, Nick, Nick.”

Nick pulled back at my words and looked deep into my eyes. “I love you,” he whispered. “Promise me that no matter what, you’ll always remember that I love you.”

“I know. I promise, I know.”

“Because I do love you, Eli,” Nick whispered again. “I love you so much.”

And for just a second, I caught a glimpse of tears in Nick’s eyes. Nick, who wouldn’t know how to show emotion if his life depended on it. I wondered if I was seeing things, until Nick buried his face in my neck, and I felt the wet spots on his cheeks against my skin.

Nick’s thrusts grew deeper, harder, and soon I was right on the edge.

“Fuck, I’m gonna come,” I moaned. “Oh god, Nick, I’m gonna come.”

Nick’s hand moved to my cock, and he began stroking me, moving in time with his thrusts inside me. It was too much to handle. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I came, releasing into his hands, grasping at Nick like he was air, like he was breath and life itself. At that moment, I wasn’t sure that wasn’t true. Nick was my life. He was everything.

“Do you want me to stop,” Nick asked as I finally floated back down to earth. “I can—”

“No.” I shook my head. “No, I want—I want you to come inside me.”

I’d never let anyone do that before, and it felt decadent, dirty even, to ask Nick to do it. My whole body was still tingling from my orgasm and I luxuriated in the feeling, almost too much, as Nick moved inside me, his hips stuttering, his thrusts getting harder, until he finally shuddered and collapsed down on top of me. I felt his cock pump and release deep inside me, and I couldn’t help smiling as I wrapped my arms around him. I’d made him do that—I’d made Nick come, and I got to keep the proof of it with me.

I didn’t want him to pull out at first, when he got up to go to the bathroom, though I supposed it was actually pretty nice letting Nick get me a glass of water, then clean me up with a warm washcloth and towel. It was all stuff I was perfectly capable of doing on my own, but Nick seemed to want to dote on me, and I decided maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.

As he crawled back into bed and pulled me close to his chest, I laughed at the thought that popped into my mind.

“What?” Nick asked, sounding as drowsy as I felt.

“Just thinking,” I said, trying to stifle a yawn. “Usually, you have a sexy librarian look, but earlier today, I realized that you also look like a hot single dad. Only, well, all of this is a lot creepier in that context. So I think I’m going to need a new metaphor. Unless, of course, you’d be into the whole daddy thing.”

“You’re a menace. I’m revoking your talking privileges.”

“Isn’t that exactly the kind of a thing a dad would do?”

Nick kissed the back of my neck. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. You sure you’re not sleep talking right now?”

“Positive. I mean, the librarian thing is obvious. You’ve got your sweaters and books and all. Plus you like shushing me, and telling me what to do in general. Though come to think of it, that also works for the dad thing. Maybe you’re just sexy librarian who happens to be a hot single dad, too.”

“Kind of a mouthful.” Nick stroked my hair and laughed, a deep, rich sound, like chocolate and peanut butter swirled together. “Let’s sleep on it before we make any final decisions.”

“We’ve got the rest of the summer to workshop it, I guess.” I smiled as Nick let his hand fall down onto the mattress, his arm wrapping around me. That felt good. I really was tired. “The rest of our lives, really.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Nick murmured. “Get some sleep.”

“I mean it,” I said, actively fighting sleep now. There was some kind of point I was trying to make. What was it? Oh. “The rest of our—”

“Get some sleep, my love,” Nick said, and before I could point out that he was shushing me again and how very Librarian Dad a thing that was to do, I was doing exactly what he’d told me. The realization brought a smile to my lips as I slipped into slumber.