“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” Eli said as we lay tangled in bed the next morning, “but I do actually have to go home sometime.”

“Mmm.” I traced a finger across his forehead, brushing a stray piece of hair out of his eyes. “But do you? Really?”

Eli snorted. “You know, if you’d stayed on as our advisor, you’d get to see me again in just a few hours.”

“If I’d stayed on as your advisor, you wouldn’t be here right now.”

I frowned. I still didn’t feel great about what we were doing, sneaking around like this. I knew in my heart that I’d make the same choice over and over again, no matter how many times I got to repeat it. But I was also pretty sure that made me a bad person.

Not just for flaking on my responsibilities, but because I was also sure this wasn’t overly healthy for Eli, no matter how much Eli himself didn’t seem to care. I had the sense not to say that out loud, though. Eli would object, and I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t really want to do anything, except soak up these last few minutes.

“Sorry,” Eli said, and I realized I’d been quiet for too long. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You’re fine.” I hugged him tighter to my chest. “What if time just stopped, huh? You ever consider that? What if time has stopped, and we actually could stay here forever—but as soon as you get up, it’ll start again? We probably shouldn’t risk it. You should just stay here.”

“I mean, out of the two of us, you are the one who deals with metaphysical quandaries all day,” Eli said. “So I guess I should just trust you.”

I laughed, closed my eyes, and breathed deeply, trying to store up the feel of Eli in my arms, the smell of his sun-warmed hair, before finally letting go.

“I suppose we should probably get up, just in case I’m wrong.” I pushed myself up onto my elbows. “I know Aisling’s covering for you, but it might get a little suspicious if Monday rolled around and you still weren’t home.”

“Aww, there’s the responsible Nick I know and love.” Eli grinned—but then the smile froze on his face. “I mean, not like, love love. Just, like—you know.”

Love. Warmth spread through every fiber of my body when I thought about that word and Eli in the same sentence. I knew it was ridiculous, dangerous, even, to think that way. I could never say that word to Eli. I couldn’t trap him like that.

But still, it was hard not to smile.

“I know.” I grinned. “I know.”

“It’s still negative a billion degrees outside,” Eli said as I pulled my jacket on by the door. He gestured at my uncovered head, then put my hat on his. “You’re gonna be cold.”

“Well, maybe if someone hadn’t stolen my hat, I’d have something to keep warm with,” I said, arching an eyebrow.

“Excuse me? Stolen? You gifted me that hat and begged me to wear it and said it was a token of all your affection for me and that if I didn’t take it from you, you’d die a withered and emotionless husk. Don’t go changing the story.”

“Gremlin.”

“Besides,” Eli added. “You have a hat. Right there.”

He pointed to the puppy hat that was hanging from a hook next to the door—a hook it had been hanging on since the first time it had come back into my apartment. It didn’t feel quite right, getting rid of it, but there was no way in hell I was wearing it again.

“I think I’ll take my chances with the cold. Now come on, the idea was to get you home and convince your parents you’re not dead in a gutter, not stand here arguing about haberdashery.”

“I see how it is. It’s okay for you to want to lie around all morning, but the second I evince some concern over your well-being, now we’re in a rush?” Eli gave me a put-upon look, but he let himself be herded out of the apartment.

It actually was pretty cold, and within minutes, I wished I’d let Eli bully me into wearing the puppy hat after all. I hated calling attention to myself, and I was sure anyone who saw me in that would laugh, but it might be worth it, if only to keep my ears from freezing off.

Maybe it was because I was too busy thinking about frostbite, or maybe it was because the morning light was making Eli’s face look particularly angelic and I was too busy staring at him (okay, yeah, that was the reason, let’s be real), but a few blocks later, I turned to say something to Eli and then smacked right into someone on the sidewalk

“Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” I said automatically. The guy who I’d hit was rubbing his shoulder. “Are you o—”

“Nick?” The guy blinked and I stopped, actually looking at the person I’d run into. “What are you—”

“Luke!” My eyes widened in surprise.

For a huge city, I still ran into people I knew on the streets of New York all the time. But we were in Midtown. I hadn’t worried about being seen with Eli here, because I didn’t think I knew anyone in this neighborhood. Too late, I remembered that Luke lived here because it was close to his office.

I wasn’t actually that close with Luke, but as Adam and Ben’s friend from college, and Tyler’s brother, I’d hung out with him a few times. And as I scrolled back through the past couple of times I’d seen all of those guys together, my heart sank. Luke had definitely overheard some conversations about my love life. The love life I’d denied having, that was now standing next to me on the sidewalk, smiling with curiosity.

Fuck.

“Hey, man,” Luke said, smiling like he was trying to sooth a skittish cat—which meant I clearly was failing at appearing calm and unconcerned. “Really sorry, I need to watch where I’m going. It’s just, I was in a hurry to—”

Thank God. If he was in a hurry, maybe I could get out of here without having to do any introductions.

“Oh, no worries. I know how it goes. Listen, it’s good to see you, but if you’re in a—”

“Yeah, I should probably—”

“Wait, you guys know each other, and you’re not even going to introduce me?”

Eli looked at me, and then Luke, and then back at me like we were crazy. Not that I could blame him—I was being incredibly rude, not introducing him to Luke. I’d just never actually thought about how to do that—how to introduce Eli to my friends without getting into some of the details I wasn’t ready to share yet. Little, insignificant things, like, say, the fact that he was still in high school.

Before I could explain or apologize or say anything, though, Eli stuck his hand out towards Luke with a disarming smile.

“Hi, I’m Eli.”

“I’m—Eli?”

Luke’s gaze snapped over to me and I winced. Shit—he definitely remembered hearing that name before. Which meant he’d almost certainly have questions.

Eli blinked at Luke. “Wait, seriously? Your name is Eli too?”

“What? Oh, no, sorry.” Luke shook his head, throwing another speculative glance my way. “I’m Luke. I just…”

Oh yeah. I was fucked.

“It’s just… not a common name,” Luke said after a beat. “Not one you hear a lot.”

“You know, I keep telling him how amazing and unique I am,” Eli said, elbowing me in the side. “But he doesn’t seem to appreciate just how rare and precious I truly am. I’m glad someone gets it.”

His tone was light, but the look he gave me promised that we were going to have a conversation about this later.

“Maybe I just don’t want you getting a big head about it,” I managed to choke out. Time to relearn how to speak and end this conversation before it got any worse.

“Too late.” Eli grinned and I swear to God, it went right through my heart. Even in the middle of an anxiety attack, his beauty fucking killed me.

“It was always too late for me,” I said, and then felt my cheeks heat up when I realized I’d spoken aloud. I turned back to Luke, pleading with him silently to understand. “Did you say you were in a hurry to get somewhere? We don’t want to keep you.”

“Yeah, I, uh—I have to go meet someone,” Luke said. “I uh, I left my phone with them, and I—”

“God, I hate it when I do that,” Eli said. “You don’t know how many times I’ve left my phone in cabs or bars or one time even in the cheese section of a Westside Market. He hates it.” He poked at me.

“Only because then we have to spend entire Saturdays tracing your phone across the city,” I replied.

Just yesterday, he’d thought he left it in a coffee shop we’d stopped at, and we’d spent an hour searching before he remembered it was sitting at home on one of my bookshelves the whole time.

“Fair.” Eli wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Especially when there are so many other fun things to do on a Saturday.”

Oh God, please just let me die. I could tell my cheeks were scarlet, and I knew Eli was loving every second of this.

He knew damn well what he was suggesting, and that we’d done nothing of the sort yesterday or any other Saturday for that matter. But he also knew that Luke didn’t know that, and he was having far too much fun taking advantage of that fact.

“I, uh, I should probably go,” Luke said, interrupting my self-immolation of shame. “It was nice to meet you, Eli. Good seeing you, Nick.”

“Yeah,” I said, smiling faintly. “See you around.”

I waited for Luke to walk away, then turned to Eli, preparing to apologize, but he just turned back the way we’d been headed originally.

“I should probably go catch that train,” he said lightly.

I fell into step behind him and waited for him to say something else. To tell me I was a shitty person, a shitty boyfriend, for not wanting him to meet my friend. All things I knew to be true, and he had every right to be mad about them.

“Right. But first, um—”

“I guess that’s one good part about being a little late,” Eli continued. “Means you’ve gotta walk faster, so you stay a little warmer.”

“Yeah. Listen, Eli, I—”

“Though I guess your ears might still be cold. Walking faster means more wind on them. But otherwise, it’s better than—”

“Eli, please, will you just let me apologize?” I burst out, grabbing his hand and pulling him to a stop on the sidewalk.

“Apologize? For what?”

“For—you know what for. For not introducing you to Luke, for not telling him who you were, or what we were doing together.”

“Nick, it’s fine,” Eli said, and the smile he gave me was suspiciously genuine looking.

“Wait, what? You’re not mad?” I shook my head. “I mean—that’s not important. What’s important is that I fucked up. I should have done better back there. I just—I hadn’t thought about having to explain what you—I mean, what we—what we’re doing, and I—” I stopped, trying to catch my breath and organize my thoughts. “I’m sorry. I’ll do better, I’ll figure out how to—”

“Nick?”

Eli’s voice broke gently into my incoherent babble.

“Yeah?”

“It’s okay.”

“How can you—”

“It’s okay,” Eli repeated. He squeezed my hand. “I know it’s not easy. I know if you had your way, we’d spend all day in bed and you’d never have to run into your friends and explain something you feel guilty about, and honestly, I get it. I’d probably feel the same way in your position.”

That wasn’t quite it. Yes, I wanted to spend all day in bed with him, but that was because I wanted to spend all day with Eli period, anywhere. Staying in bed was special not because it meant we didn’t see anyone, but because it meant extra moments of getting to feel his chest pressed against mine, his legs tangled up in my sheets, a knee touching me here, an ankle there. Staying in bed meant extra moments of something I wasn’t supposed to have, but didn’t have the strength to give up.

“But I—”

“If anything, I should be apologizing,” Eli went on. “I could tell Luke was your friend, and I still went and pushed my way into that conversation.”

“Are you really serious?” I searched for doubt, or anger, in those blue eyes of his. Christ, I could have drowned in his eyes, and been happy about it.

“I really am.” Eli smiled. “Unfortunately, I was also serious about not wanting to miss my train. So if you’re done beating yourself up…”

“Oh, shit, yeah.” I let him pull me back into motion. “I just hope you know how much you mean to me. I never want you to doubt that.”

“You know, if you’re serious about that, there is one thing you could do,” Eli said with a playful glance.

“What’s that?”

“You could wear the hat I bought for you with your money.” He grinned. “And if you did, I could promise to send you more racy pictures in exchange.”

My stomach turned a somersault. That picture Eli had sent was seared into my memory. And possibly saved in my hidden photos folder on my phone. I had liked it far more than I wanted to admit, and while I hadn’t let myself look at it again, I hadn’t quite been able to delete it either. God, Eli’s body was—nope. I was not going to think about that now.

“If I wear it, will you promise not to send me more racy pictures?” I countered.

Eli laughed. “Only you would ask that of me, Nick. But yes, if you insist.”

True to his word, Eli didn’t send me any more racy pictures. But that didn’t mean he didn’t scare me to death in the process.

A few days later, I went to go find Luke. Ben told me what Luke’s normal running route was, and since I was up early coming off a shift at Peachtree, I figured I’d head over to the West Side Highway and try to talk to him in person. The subject was a bit delicate, after all.

It wasn’t even light yet when I set out to go find him, so against my better judgement, I grabbed that damn puppy hat and pulled it down over my head as I headed out the door. Within a few minutes, I was grateful for it. It was cold out this morning. Besides, it was dawn—there weren’t that many people out to see me anyway.

I’d worked out what I was going to say to Luke. How to answer any questions he might have. How to ask—without really asking—that he not mention Eli to anyone else. Because Adam and Ben already knew something was going on with me, but I didn’t need to add fuel to that fire.

Only, when I finally found Luke, it turned out he barely even remembered meeting Eli.

“To be totally honest, man, I completely forgot I ran into you that day. Things have been…” Luke paused, as if considering his words. “Complicated.”

“Oh.” I could certainly relate to that. “Okay, well, um. Yeah.”

“So—Eli,” Luke went on. “I’m guessing you’d rather I not tell anyone else that I met him and have proof that he actually exists?”

Damn. So much for all my carefully planned phrasings and non-request requests.

“I mean, I know that’s kind of a weird request but… yeah. If you wouldn’t mind. Things with Eli are just… well, complicated,” I finished, using Luke’s word.

“No worries,” Luke replied. “You got it.”

He was quiet for a moment and I wondered if he thought I was being weird. Or rude.

“I really would love for you guys to meet him,” I added. “Properly, I mean. He’s…” I smiled, trying to find words that even began to describe how I felt about him. “He’s…”

“He seemed great,” Luke offered. “Funny, cute—clearly obsessed with you.”

I flushed. “He’s amazing. And if it were his choice, he’d have met you guys months ago. It’s just… I just need a little more time.”

“Got it. My lips are sealed.”

“Thanks.” I cocked my head to the side. “How are things with you these days? You said something about it being ‘complicated?’”

Luke had just listened to my insanity, after all. It was only fair to ask how he was doing.

As it turned out, ‘complicated’ was a good word to describe how things were going with Luke, and the guy he was head over heels for—Oliver. Not that he would have described himself that way, I was sure. Luke could barely seem to wrap his head around the idea that he was having feelings for someone at all, let alone that all signs pointed to those feelings being Capital F Feelings.

To be honest, it felt nice not to be the only person in the world who was completely helpless when it came to the guy he’d fallen for. I left our conversation that morning feeling more relaxed than I had in a while. On a whim, I took a picture of myself in that stupid hat as I walked in for my half day of work at the Family Futures Project, and sent it to Eli.

NICK: Wearing my absolute favorite hat in the world, as promised

Despite the fact that Eli was almost certainly in class at the moment, he replied almost instantly

ELI: Omg

ELI: I love it

ELI: You look beautiful

ELI: Gorgeous

ELI: Stunning

ELI: The handsomest man in the entire universe

ELI: And I know I promised I wouldn’t send any more racy pics…

My stomach flipped over.

NICK: Hey, I meant that

ELI: But I really feel like you deserve a reward

ELI: They say that’s how you train dogs, right? Rewarding positive behavior? So I think it’s almost my duty to send you something…

Forget somersaults—my stomach was basically breakdancing at this point, spinning on its head. I did not want Eli to send me another nude—except, of course, part of me very definitely did want exactly that. A part of me I tried my hardest to squelch, but that remained stubbornly unsquelchable.

NICK: Don’t you dare

But I could already see the little dots that indicated Eli was sending me something. I held my breath, not even sure what I hoped would appear on my screen—and then burst out laughing in relief at what I saw: a zoomed in picture of a donut, and underneath it, the words ‘hole pic.’

NICK: You’re a menace

ELI: True

ELI: But a menace who needs to maybe go back to paying attention in class

ELI: <3

A menace who needed to pay attention in class—and for better or for worse, a menace I was absolutely a mess for.

If only I hadn’t felt like such a mess in every other area of my life. When I was with Eli, it was easy to forget the fact that I had no idea what I was doing with myself. But the truth of it was, I was lost.

I was getting closer and closer to the end of my studies, but I was no closer to knowing what I wanted to do when I was done than I had been three years ago, when I’d started. On top of that, this was the year I was supposed to be interning with a church, learning what it was like to help lead a congregation. Not only did I feel guilty about withdrawing from that, it meant I’d have to start again from scratch in the fall.

God, I didn’t even want to think about the fall. In the fall, Eli would be off at college. Getting to grow and explore and do what he’d been longing to do for years. I’d be a wreck without him, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t right for me to beg him to stay, just because I’d be sad if we broke up.

I started running again—something I hadn’t done in ages. Seeing Luke running had inspired me, and I hoped that it would help me clear my mind. It did, in a way. It just didn’t make things any easier.

On those cold morning runs, I realized a few things. I wanted Eli. Needed him. And by the time he graduated, if I’d managed not to explode from pent up desire already, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of him.

But I didn’t just want Eli—I wanted what was best for him. And I was pretty sure that what was best for him was for him to not have a lame older boyfriend hanging around his neck when he went off to college. An older boyfriend who was still in school and had no idea what he was going to do with his life. An older boyfriend who could never travel too far away from his sick mom, and who would only drag him down.

On top of all those worries, I was pretty sure I was still being a shitty friend. Between work and school and spending time with Eli, I’d barely seen anyone else. So when Adam and Ben invited me out for dim sum—and Adam told me in no uncertain terms that I had to show up—I expected to get reamed out for disappearing on them.

What I got, instead, was a birthday party.

I’d honestly forgotten about my birthday, and couldn’t believe they’d organized a surprise for me. Granted, it wasn’t huge—just Adam, Ben, Gray and Tyler, Micah, and then Luke and even Oliver, the guy Luke was seeing. I couldn’t understand why they’d all come out just to see me, especially after I’d been such an absent friend all fall and winter, but there they were.

Even after Luke and Oliver had what was possibly the sweetest moment of saying ‘I love you’ to each other for the first time, right there in the vestibule of the crowded restaurant, everyone else stayed to wish me well, to stuff themselves with dumplings, and drink far too many mimosas—or jasmine tea in Adam and Tyler’s cases.

“This is all just so much,” I said to Adam as the meal wound down. I didn’t deserve this from people I’d neglected all year. “You guys didn’t have to do this.”

“Hey, shush,” Adam said, glaring at me. “Of course we didn’t have to do this. We wanted to. End of story. No feeling bad about it or trying to get out of the fact that we like you.”

I laughed. “A few months ago, you were the one who couldn’t believe people actually wanted to spend time with you. What happened?”

Adam smiled in Ben’s direction.

“Ben happened,” he said simply. Then he leaned in. “But I swear to God, if you repeat that to anyone—”

“What did I do?” Ben asked, leaning over after hearing his name.

I smiled at Adam. “Too late.”

“What’s going on?” Ben asked.

“Nothing,” Adam said, shooting me a glare that promised dire consequences if I explained what we’d actually just been talking about. “We were just discussing how much we all love Nick and how he deserves to know it.”

“Lemme guess,” Ben said, deftly plucking a dumpling off Adam’s plate with chopsticks. “He’s being self-effacing and refusing to accept affection?”

“Got it in one,” Adam said with a laugh. “How’d you know?”

Ben smiled at him. “Oh, you know. I may have had just a tiny bit of experience with someone else who has trouble believing people care about him.”

“Fuck you,” Adam said, making a face that did nothing to stop Ben from leaning over and kissing him. “That’s vicious slander and I won’t stand for it. Take it back.”

“Make me,” Ben said, grinning.

My phone buzzed at that moment and I pulled it out, hoping (and kicking myself for hoping) that it would be Eli. He hadn’t been able to come in this weekend, and I was going to try to go out to Jersey and get dinner with him on Wednesday, but that still left days before I could see him.

And to be honest, the warm, floaty feeling of being surrounded by friends just made me miss Eli more. He should be here. He’d love my friends, I knew, and there was no way he wouldn’t charm the pants off every single one of them.

I smiled when I saw his name next to a new text message.

ELI: Okay, so I know you said you’d be working all weekend and I’m supposed to be ‘doing my homework’ or whatever that means

ELI: But just so you know I’m thinking about you, I thought I’d send you…

ELI: A dick pic

A picture of Dick Cheney popped up onto my screen and I laughed, loud enough to make Adam and Ben look back at me.

“What’s—” Adam asked, but I shoved my phone back in my pocket.

“It’s nothing, just a dumb joke that—”

“Wait a second.” Adam’s eyes widened. “Did that text say Eli? Oh my God, is that still happening?”

“Jesus, when did you get bionic eyes installed?” I grumbled.

“It’s not his eyes,” Ben said. “It’s just that he’s impossible to keep secrets from. I tried for months to plan a surprise vacation for us, and he sniffed it out every time. I only managed it two weeks ago because it was so spur of the moment, he didn’t have time to figure out what I was plotting.”

“Wait, you guys took a vacation?” I said, shaking my head. Come to think of it, they both did look kind of tan. “I can’t believe I missed that. I’m sorry I’m such—”

“Apologize one more time and our friendship is terminated,” Adam said. “I mean it. And stop trying to change the subject. We were talking about the mysterious Eli and why you still insist on keeping him such a secret.”

“Were we, though?”

“We most definitely were,” Adam said. “I know I told you that you could tell us when you were ready, but that was ages ago. Come on, man, how long are you going to—”

He paused when I jumped, feeling my phone buzz in my pocket again. Against my better judgment, I pulled it out. It was just going to be more texts from Eli, and it was only going to make Adam more determined to know what was going on, but I was helpless.

Only this time, the buzzing didn’t stop, and it turned out to be a phone call from my dad. Saying a silent prayer of thanks and pushing my chair back, I stood up from the table.

“I gotta take this,” I told Adam. “I’ll be right back, I promise.”

Hopefully, though, I could stretch the conversation out long enough that Adam really did forget what we’d been talking about.

“Hey, Dad,” I said, bringing the phone to my ear as I stepped back out into the vestibule. “What’s up?”

“Just calling to wish my favorite son a happy birthday.”

I snorted. “I’m your only son.”

“Well, just be happy you’re my favorite, then. Be pretty awkward for you if you weren’t.”

I rolled my eyes. My dad was the king of dad jokes—and unfortunately, I’d gotten most of my sense of humor from him. Something about his voice sounded odd, though. Usually he’d be congratulating himself on a joke like that, but all I heard on the other end of the line was tense breathing.

“Dad? Is everything okay?”

“What? Oh, yeah, it’s just, uh—well, tell me what you’re doing for your birthday, first. How’re you celebrating?”

“I’m just out with some friends for brunch. I’ve got some reading to do for class this week, so I’ll probably get started on that tonight.” I frowned. “Why, what’s wrong?”

“Well, that sounds like a fun day. I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.”

“A fun day?” That confirmed it. “Dad, you never miss a chance to make fun of my school work. Something’s wrong, isn’t it?”

My dad sighed. “Look, I was going to tell you tonight. I didn’t want to ruin your day. But… Nick, it’s your mother. She’s not doing too great.”