It takes longer for them to release a body when it’s a murder investigation, especially when it’s someone of Eric’s worth, but finally, we’re able to lay him to rest. The church is full of faces I don’t recognize, and I feel so out of place. Eyes from all around burn a hole into me, and I want to run. I wish I could just run. Police are here undercover, thinking for some insane reason my father might show.

The scent of all the beautiful flowers laid out for Eric hang in the air, and I don’t think I’ll ever smell a rose and not think of him after this.

Sickness is a feeling I’m learning to live with. I feel it constantly. I wish I were stronger for the boys who have taken care of me despite their own pain.

Brock has taken it the hardest. He doesn’t come home very often and spends most of his time with Ethan, his best friend. I look over to him and my eyes close. The pain is so fresh on his young face. Tears burn my eyes as I take in the tense jaw fixed on Hayden’s face. He has so much pressure on him now. I want to be able to help him, but I can’t do anything.

It hurts just to breathe. Every day is more painful than the last, because I miss them…

Eric had woken the woman inside me. I was learning about love and myself, and then he was torn from me by the only other man I’ve ever loved. I lost them both that day.

My entire life has been a lie. The man who tucked me in at night had a monster inside him. I search every memory, trying to find a sign of who he really was, but there’s nothing.

A warm hand slips into mine, and I know without looking it’s Nixon. He is my strength right now. He’s always been there for me. Our friendship is one I cherish and appreciate more than he could ever know. Before things happened with Eric, I always thought I’d marry a Pearson boy.

Brock always said he would be my boyfriend until I found a real boyfriend. He said we could do all the firsts together to get them out of the way. It would be better to do that stuff with someone we know and trust, he told me. I had my eyes set on Hayden Pearson however. But then he broke my heart by kissing me and then pretending I didn’t exist the next day, so I agreed to date Brock, until I found a real boyfriend.

But Nixon…Nixon has always been my soulmate, my best friend. We go together like burgers and fries. He’s never made it sexual; he just knows my soul is tethered to his and we need each other. Your soulmate isn’t always the one you fall in love with. It can be a brother, a sister, a friend, even a pet. Mine is a boy next door.

We were the thunder and rain, an impeccable storm. He always shielded my heart and stuck up for me against assholes in school, but he can’t save me from this pain, no matter how desperately he tries. I don’t deserve him. I stole everything from him.

“Now, Eric’s youngest son, Camden, would like to say a few words,” the priest announces.

I watch as the boy who should be out riding his bike and swimming in the lake, laughing with his friends, stands up to speak for the second funeral this week.

He swipes his unruly hair from his forehead and looks to Nixon for encouragement. Nix nods his head and smiles tightly. Cam’s Adam’s apple bobs as he takes a few swallows then speaks.

“Our dad was a proud man. He prided himself on his work ethic, and this sometimes took him away from the home, but when our mom…went away, he was all we had, and we were all he had. He wasn’t perfect, but who is?” He shrugs, and a choir of sniffles sound as everyone softly hums their agreement. “He was our dad, and I’m sorry, Dad. I’m sorry we didn’t get to you in time, but we want you to know we will take care of Rowan. You just take care of Mom.”

My heart shatters as a tear slips from his steel-blue eyes, so like his father’s. Why is this so hard?

Trevor receives him into a hug as he steps down, and gentle cries vibrate through the air, like the buzzing of a thousand bees’ wings.

Nixon’s hand leaves mine and he places his arm around my waist as he leans in to whisper in my ear. “It’s okay, Ro. I’ve got you. I won’t let you break.”

It’s too late. I broke when my father’s gun pierced my entire world and ripped it apart.