Chapter 9
On a loop ~ Hettie
After breakfast with Gray my heart was in pain. I felt battered and bruised from the old wounds that opened the moment I laid eyes on him again. After our reunion my mind was stuck on a constant replay of how he’d looked, the way he sounded with that sexy London accent, the things he’d said to me, and the memory of his fingers threading appealingly through his soft hair. The dirty, straight talking questions about Harris had struck me like a blow to the chest. He was even closer to the mark than he realized about the attention Harris had paid me lately.
Saturday evening’s dinner with Harris—the one that he’d begged me for—was forgotten because it appeared like he’d received a better offer from his work colleagues, an offer that wasn’t extended to me.
During our early years, life with Harris had been a lot of fun and he was the only man who had ever partially healed my heart after Gray. However, for the previous year, despite talking about our future, if I was honest, I’d sensed he was stalling about us firming up on our commitment to marriage and children. Gray’s appearance hadn’t shaken my relationship with Harris; it had forced me to face the truth of it.
Switching on the TV, I sat down heavily in the chair while I thought about what had changed. When things had gone awry with my relationship with Harris. I’d felt uncomfortable when Gray had pressed me about him and worse when it dawned on me that Harris took me for granted and wasn’t interested in our future.
All the time I’d thought we were building a life together and Gray was right. Harris’ behavior and attention toward me was consistently lacking. By choosing to network instead of spending time with me it had opened my eyes. He wasn’t interested in taking us to the next level as a couple.
Pulling my cell from my purse, I reread the text messages from Gray. When I came to the final message from him, I felt my heart sink as the text had the same impact as it had the first time I’d read it.
Gray: Okay, it seems like this is where I bow out. I’m not sorry for crashing back into your life. I guess it was selfish of me, but I couldn’t come back to Miami and not see you again. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with, Hettie. Inside and out. Don’t settle. Make sure he gives you everything.
Panic ripped through me when I read the message again. It felt like my heart had been flipped over and crushed. I wished for a second it would stop beating. I knew Gray meant what he’d said. He stepped away to let me live my life. I hadn’t replied at the time—there was nothing left to say. That message was prior to Harris treating me shabbily again. Before I could change my mind my fingers typed out my reply.
Me: You sprung up out of nowhere yesterday, Gray. How am I supposed to deal with all of this? With you? It appears I am free for a late dinner after all if your offer still stands, maybe we should talk.
It took courage to send it, knowing it would probably lead to more heartbreak, but the pull of Gray was too difficult for me to resist. Seconds after sending the text I was full of remorse because I felt I’d already cheated on Harris for even wanting to go, then I remembered his disregard for me again and I didn’t care. He’d shown so little consideration when he changed his plans and excluded me.
Don’t wait up. That was as good as saying I was unwanted company, wasn’t it? For the following hour, I checked my phone telling myself that Gray hadn’t seen my message, but by the time 10:00 pm had come and gone, I figured that he’d decided that reconnecting had been a bad idea.
Wandering into my kitchen, I grabbed a can of soup from the cupboard, opened it, and poured it into a bowl. I set the microwave and leaned back against the counter waiting the three minutes I’d programmed it for when my phone alerted me that I had a text message.
Harris: Everyone from work has decided to go clubbing. Today has been awesome. It’s the most fun I’ve had in a while. How has your day been?
Is he fucking serious? Typing furiously, I hit send before I’d even considered the implications of what I had written.
Me: My day has been awesome. Remember that college friend I told you I had breakfast with today? Well he was a bit more than that when we were in college, but nothing serious. Turns out he’s a rock star now and about to hit it big in the US. He asked me to dinner tonight, but I turned him down because you begged me to spend time with you. Now that you’ve found a better offer, I’ve just messaged him back to tell him if his offer still stands, I’m in. I’m looking forward to my evening with him because this morning was lovely. Most fun I’ve had in a while too. He made me feel amazing.
My breathing was shallow and fast as my temper got the better of me, and seconds after I’d sent the message Harris was on the phone.
“You never told me it was a guy you were meeting this morning,” he stated sternly.
“You never asked.”
“So who is he? Are you really going to dinner with him?”
“I told you, someone I knew from when I was at college. And yes, I am going to dinner.”
“What’s his name?”
“Does that matter?”
“Of course it fucking matters. Do you think I want my girl going off to dinner with some dirty fucking musician? You know the reputation they have?”
“I know him and more about him than by his reputation. He lives up to every rock star fantasy a woman could think of. Gray’s a fabulous guy. Seriously hot, fun, and very attentive.”
“Implying I’m not any of those things?”
“Well to be honest, I’ve not seen that side of you for a while, Harris. In fact you only appear to have remembered I exist this evening after I sent that text. If that’s what I have to do to gain your attention…”
“Honey, you know the pressure I’ve had with—”
“Don’t say it. Don’t you dare fucking say it. I’m tired of hearing about your career, your promotion, your great fucking colleagues. You know what I’ve noticed these past few weeks? Where are my friends? We only socialize with yours. Every single function we’ve been to for the last six months has had to do with your work. Then you beg me to spend time with you tonight, begged me, Harris, and, where are you? With your fucking co-workers, that’s where. How do you think that makes me feel?”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll come home.”
“No. I don’t want you to come home. You’ll only be miserable. Stay with your fun work friends. I’ll go to dinner with Gray. Don’t wait up…or maybe we’ll arrive home at the same time, who knows.”
Cutting the call before he could finish, I threw my cell onto the granite countertop, enraged. My whole body vibrated from the effort of my rant. Now what? Two dinner invitations and I was reduced to eating a can of tomato soup. Seconds later my cell began to travel across the granite countertop as it vibrated, my favorite picture of Harris and me smiling up from the screen. My instinct was to let him stew but I hated fighting, and I hated being ignored after an argument, so I answered.
“What?”
“Meet me. We’re going to Zone.”
“Because I am going to have dinner with a rock star?”
“No, because I need to have you with me. You’re right, I was being selfish. I guess I got carried away and took you for granted, but I want to do better. I’m sorry, please, Hettie, meet me?” His voice was full of remorse and I wasn’t sure I believed him. Had he really been that self-absorbed that he had no idea what it had been like for me? Then again he had been so self-absorbed, I felt his apology could well be genuine.
I was usually very honest, but I didn’t tell him that Gray hadn’t called me back when I texted to tell him I accepted his invitation. I wasn’t sure I’d really have gone after my conversation with Harris anyway. At the very least I felt I had given Harris a rocket up his ass about how he’d been treating me.
“What time will you be there?” I asked, still debating whether or not to give in to his demands.
“We’re just leaving the country club now so I expect we’ll be there in about forty minutes. I’ll wait outside for you,” he offered.
“Okay, but I’m warning you, Harris, don’t you dare ignore me if I come with you.”
“Promise, honey, you’ll have my undivided attention.”
Forty minutes was no time at all to prepare to go clubbing, and with the fifteen minute cab ride to get there, I had even less time. Concluding the call, I ordered a taxi to take me to him, and ran around like a blue-assed fly finding something to wear. The only thing suitable was my red slinky dress in a figure hugging material, and a tiny black wrap. Quickly, I added some smoky blue-gray eye make-up, a few squirts of perfume, and dragged a brush through my long hair. Our intercom buzzer sounded just as I finished, so I grabbed my purse and headed down to meet the driver at the door.
During the ride, I promised myself if Harris ignored me, even once, I was going to call him on it in front of his colleagues. I had reached my limit with his behavior, and if Gray’s visit hadn’t been well timed, it was pertinent to my feelings about Harris.
As I neared the club, nerves began to bunch together in my stomach. It said a lot for our relationship when I was in a cab on the way to meet Harris and still wasn’t one hundred percent sure he’d actually be where he said he would be. For a second I wondered what I’d do if he wasn’t, but as we rounded the corner I saw him standing with a tall redheaded woman near the entrance. I just knew she was Diane, the great girl full of fun that Harris had gushed about in his text.
I was almost out of the cab before he noticed me, but when he did he came running over waving, and pulled out his wallet to pay the driver. Handing him two twenty dollar bills he slipped an arm around my waist. “Glad you made it. Come on, there’s someone I want you to meet.”
Walking me toward the redhead, I said, “You must be Diane, pleased to meet you.”
Both Harris and Diane looked puzzled at how I knew who she was, but I didn’t elaborate. “Shall we go inside?” I asked, nodding my head toward the entrance. Without waiting for Harris, I stepped out of his hold and tried to look confident as I walked ahead of them. I knew by the look Diane had given me when I said her name that she had designs on Harris, but I didn’t have any particular vibe other than friendship on his side.
After visiting the cloakroom, Harris grabbed my hand and guided me toward the sectioned off hospitality area reserved for their party. His new boss, Richard, and his wife, Sue, greeted me like an old friend even though I’d never met her before, and only met him once. Richard was quick to offer me something to drink. I had expected to feel a bit awkward joining the party so late in the day, but as the DJ was on fire with a playlist of my favorite tunes, a few drinks later, I had begun to feel relaxed in their company.
It wasn’t long before I hit the dance floor, and after dancing with Harris for a couple of songs his work colleagues were cutting in to dance with me as well. A few tunes later I was aware that even though I had changed partners several times, the only other person Harris had danced with was Diane. Knowing that left a sour taste in my mouth.
Five partners later, she was still jiggling her tits in his face and working her way around him; her arms above her head in what I figured was her best provocative moves designed to keep his attention. I had to admit she was doing a great job of it, judging by how pissed I felt when I looked at Harris, who had clearly forgotten I was even there by the wicked grin on his face.
When I could no longer ignore her behavior, my initial course of action should have been to go over, claim Harris, and push her aside, but watching how he was feeding off what she was doing, I decided to walk away leaving them to their own devices. Feeling embarrassed, I retreated to the restroom to think.
When I pushed open the door to enter, my eyes were drawn to a gorgeous woman with long, platinum blonde hair standing by the full-length mirror. She was looking over her shoulder, checking out her ass in her tiny figure hugging skirt. I wondered if she was a famous lingerie model. She was everything I wasn’t. Without realizing, I let out a long sigh of frustration at how unremarkable I felt in comparison to other women. My sigh must have been loud because her eyes met mine in the mirror and she turned, looking directly at me.
“Are you okay?” Her British accent threw me for a second, then I figured she was a stranger anyway so I may as well vent.
“Not really. Ever felt invisible to the guy you’re supposed to be on a date with?”
“Always,” she replied, in a sympathetic tone while rolling her huge brown eyes. Liar.
“That’s kinda hard to believe coming from someone who looks like you do,” I replied.
“Trust me. I’m telling you. Most of the time I feel like window dressing to the guy I’m here with.”
“Then he needs his head examined.”
“That’s kind of you to say, but it’s the way it is…the way it’s always been between us. I take what I can get,” she admitted, shrugging her shoulders with a sad sideward glance. I felt how uncomfortable it made her to talk about it with me.
“Why would you be with someone like that?”
“You’d never understand,” she answered sadly.
“Try me.”
“Have you ever had strong enough feelings for someone to love them unconditionally?”
“I thought I did, but after today, I’m not so sure. I’m tired of being ignored.”
“Oh, this guy doesn’t ignore me. He’s very attentive, actually, he just doesn’t know how I really feel.”
“No one can hide their feelings for long if they are in an intimate relationship. Trust me. I thought I’d done a good job of that once, but I found out today I’d been fooling myself on that score. You really think he has no idea how you feel about him?”
“Nope, I’m sure he doesn’t. I know what we have isn’t a forever thing. I knew it the moment I signed up for the gig.”
“That’s really sad. He must need his head examined. Look at you.”
“Better to have known what it’s like to be with him than not.”
“There’s definitely no chance?”
“Nah. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been completely honest about it. His heart’s desires lie elsewhere. So now you’ve had my life story, what’s with you? I take it your guy isn’t making you happy?”
“I used to think he did. I thought that we were forever, but after the past few weeks, I’m not so sure anymore.”
“What changed? That is if you don’t mind me asking?”
“I thought we wanted the same things and the only barriers to those plans were his concerns about money, but. I’m starting to think a lack of money has been his excuse to stall us moving forward. Then today, I had a wake-up call from a guy I once knew when he breezed back into my life. I had breakfast with him. I hadn’t seen him since college, and spending time with him has unsettled me.”
I ran my fingers under the faucet and pulled some paper towel from the machine on the wall.
“Worst of all, he wanted to take me to dinner tonight but I had a date with my partner who blew me off. I wouldn’t even have been here had I not decided I’d take the guy up on that dinner after all. Stupidly, I disclosed my intentions to my partner and all of a sudden I was invited to join him here. Right now my guy is currently on the dance floor with a female work colleague who looks like all she’s missing is a damn pole. Her gestures are so provocative toward him, it’s like I’m not here—”
Suddenly the blonde woman looked startled. “Oh, damn. Sorry, I didn’t realize how long we’ve been in here, I gotta run,” she said, sounding alarmed. She grabbed her small clutch from the side of the vanity. “I hope you work it out. Stay strong, I’m rooting for you,” she said with a tight smile. A second later she was gone and I was left staring at the restroom door as it closed softly behind her. After she’d gone I stood motionless—shocked at how much I had confided in a total stranger.
Perhaps it was her English accent that had made me feel safe, thinking I’d never see her again. I’d heard it said, talking to strangers was easier, and maybe that’s why I had poured my feelings out. I was miffed by the way Harris and Diane behaved on the dance floor in front of me. The way they were with each other didn’t feel comfortable and it made me wonder if I was one of those women that attended her partner’s events and was the only person in the room to have no idea they were being cheated on.
Leaving the restroom, I glanced over at the dance floor expecting to see Harris and Diane. They were no longer there, but my step faltered and my stomach lurched. Gray and the girl I’d poured my heart out to in the restroom were dancing cheek to cheek in an intimate embrace less than twelve feet in front of me. Jealousy shot through me at lightning speed; the jolt causing an electrical pulse to rise up from my chest in an unpleasant current to my mouth.
Less than a minute later Gray leaned away to look down at her, as she stared adoringly into his eyes she spoke. He smirked at whatever she said and brushed her hair away from her face in an intimate gesture, then he leaned in closer to listen.
Turning his face toward her head, I saw him say something in her ear and a smile immediately brightened her face before she nodded and stepped back. Her arms fell free of him, but immediately he reached out and caught her hand in his again. Pivoting around he walked slowly away in the opposite direction from where I was standing, with her in tow. My eyes never left him until the crowd on the dance floor eventually swallowed them up, and my heart sank.