Chapter 18
Carrie stepped outside into the early evening chill and instantly regretted leaving her scarf in the car. The wind had picked up off the lake, and by the time she reached the sidewalk, her nose and chin were numb.
January in Wisconsin was not for the weak. Or the forgetful.
Still, even the freezing air couldn’t dampen her excitement. She officially had her offer letter in hand, and in a few weeks she would begin teaching two sections of Comics as Literature at Milwaukee University. After leaving Seth’s house and moving into Jason’s living room, she’d put together a class proposal and approached every local college. Nothing like sleeping on an air mattress for motivation.
Only the small college had been interested, but the two class sections were a start.
As she hurried to her car, she called Jason and told him to pick up sushi from their favorite place so they could celebrate. Once in the car, she cranked the heat as she finished the call, waiting for the car to warm up before she started the drive to her brother’s apartment.
Once she hung up, she pulled off her gloves and swiped and tapped through screens on her phone until she had a new text message open. Her heart started thumping as she stared at the screen.
He would be so excited for her. Amy and Jason and her parents were all happy for her that she was getting interest in her proposed class. And Amy was encouraging when Carrie talked about working on their textbook, though she hadn’t gone as far as to commit to doing the artwork half of things.
But Seth was different. He’d done more than smile and nod and say “good luck.” He’d listened when she talked in detail about her ideas. He’d asked questions that showed he was interested. In his unassuming way, he’d challenged her to go after what she wanted.
Except, at the end of the day, what she wanted was him. A month apart hadn’t lessened her feelings for him. She’d been angry at him when she left, but that had faded. She was left with hurt that he hadn’t wanted to fight for her, even if she understood his reason.
And of course she still loved him.
Which was why she wanted to share her news. But as she started to type his name into the address field, she hesitated.
He didn’t need the distraction of a text from an ex. He was in Pittsburgh, getting ready for tomorrow’s playoff game.
So she texted Amy instead.
Carrie: I got the job! Want to get together and celebrate tomorrow?
Amy’s reply came through almost immediately.
Amy: Can’t. We’re going to a football party. I’d invite you, but wasn’t sure you’d be up for it…
That was the million-dollar question. She’d watched every game since leaving Seth’s house, needing any way she could to feel close to him. Which was dumb. She should be trying to get over him, not trying to feel connected.
But she wasn’t ready to give him up yet.
Seth closed the door behind Paula Grayson and turned to his daughter with a questioning look on his face.
The girl’s expression was hard, same as it had been after the other four nanny interviews they’d conducted.
“Nope.” Maddie turned and flounced back to the living room. She flopped onto the couch and banged her feet onto the coffee table.
She’d been in the same surly mood since the day she insisted he get rid of Carrie. Which was perfect, because so was he. Even getting to the divisional round of the playoffs and playing well enough to give his agent serious leverage for negotiating a one-year contract extension with the Dragons hadn’t been enough to put Seth in a good mood.
He missed Carrie.
On the plus side, being in a perpetually foul mood had made last week’s season-ending two-point loss to Pittsburgh less painful. It had simply brought the rest of the team down to his level.
“What the hell is wrong this time?” Seth snapped as he stalked after Maddie. Even though the season was over and he wouldn’t be traveling as much didn’t mean he didn’t need help. He still had commitments, and Mike had secured him a new endorsement deal that would involve some evening hours.
Without Carrie, Seth had struggled with juggling Maddie’s care and the end of the season. His mom had visited for a few weeks, and Maddie spent her winter break in Houston, but now that football was done for the year, they needed a reliable routine.
But the lack of childcare was far from the cause of Seth’s perpetually foul mood. He didn’t miss Carrie because she took Maddie to swim practice or did his laundry. He missed her. Her smile, her ability to get Maddie excited about school, her laugh, her passion for science, her kisses. The way she felt curled up on the couch next to him. The lazy, sexy look she got in her eyes when she wanted him.
Most of all, he missed the way he felt around her. Like he’d finally come home.
But the fact was, Maddie was his life. Maddie and football.
“She’s like the rest of them. Boooooor-ing.”
Maddie might be his life, but she was pissing him off. “Well, I’m sorry you kicked out the only possibility you deemed interesting enough to pick you up from school and oversee your homework,” he snapped.
She jerked her feet off the table and sat up straight, her eyes shooting daggers at him. “Hey, I’m not the one who banged the babysitter and ruined everything.”
Hot fury shot through Seth, and it took everything he had to remain in his seat on the couch. “First of all, that is none of your business. Second…” He didn’t have a second. But Maddie had the wrong idea about him and Carrie. Even if she was gone, he didn’t want Maddie thinking it had been casual between them.
“You made it my business when you screwed my nanny. Like you can’t get a million other chicks who throw themselves at football players. I’m not stupid. I know how things work.”
She certainly thought she did. But she didn’t know the half of it. “You think I was with Carrie just to have a little fun? You really think that little of me?” No sense asking about Carrie, since he knew Maddie thought Carrie was worse than school cafeteria meals.
Maddie crossed her arms and glared at him. “I know you’ve hooked up with jersey chasers before. But no, you couldn’t stick to them. Why not, when Carrie was so convenient?”
“That’s enough!” he yelled, no longer able to contain his anger.
To her credit, Maddie shrank back and almost looked sorry she’d pushed him so far.
“We’ll discuss another time that you’re too young to be talking about hooking up and banging.” She wasn’t, not really. But no dad wanted to think of his little girl as old enough to know about hookups. “And I don’t care how mad you are at her, you will stop talking about Carrie like what we had was some cheap fling and I didn’t care about anything but sex.” He nearly choked on the last word. He so did not want to be having this conversation with his daughter.
“Oh, what, like you were in love with her or something?” Maddie scoffed.
“Yes, I was in love with her. I still am in love with her.”
Weighty silence fell over them. Seth closed his eyes and scrubbed a hand over his beard. He hadn’t meant to say that. He didn’t go ten minutes without thinking about Carrie. And every time he did, it hurt. The sharp feeling, like his chest was cracking apart, was starting to get a little better, but it would be a long time yet before he could picture her face without wanting to both punch something and sob.
He opened his eyes to find Maddie watching him, her expression puzzled.
“Really? You love her?”
His chest was too tight to speak, so he nodded.
“Then why did you make her leave?”
Seth swallowed a groan of frustration. “Because you didn’t want her here anymore.”
“And you did that…for me?”
“Everything I do is for you, Mads. Nothing is more important.”
“I—” Her mouth worked up and down, like she wanted to say something else but didn’t know what.
“How can I be with a woman you hate? It doesn’t matter how much I love her.” Even if it sucked the joy out of his life. He would get that back, slowly, as he got over Carrie.
“I don’t hate Carrie. Why would you think that?”
He wanted to shake her. He loved his daughter more than anything, but in that moment, he wanted to smack her or do something to jumpstart her common sense.
“You said you hated her,” he bit out. “Used that actual word.”
Maddie stared down at her knees and picked at a thread on her leggings. “Oh, well, I guess…”
“You ran away, Madison. Of course I was going to do anything I needed to do to fix things for you.” Had he fucked up again?
Seth moved from the loveseat to the couch to sit next to Maddie. He took her hand and waited until she looked up at him. “Do you understand that everything I do is for you? I know it doesn’t always seem like it, but every decision I make is because it’s the best choice for you, at least in the long run.”
“How was leaving our home the best thing for me?”
He knew that would be the first one she asked about. “If we’d stayed in Houston, I would have had to retire. Yes, we have money. But I still have a few more good years before I can’t play anymore. And I have to work. We don’t have enough money for us to live on for the rest of our lives. So moving was a long-term plan that allows me to keep earning money so you don’t have to worry about taking care of me when I get old. And so I have enough to send you to college. Wouldn’t want to use your college fund to cover our lavish lifestyle.”
“I’m getting a swimming scholarship, so that doesn’t matter.”
Despite the tense mood, Seth chuckled. “Then we’ll use your college fund for something else. Like our lavish lifestyle.”
She giggled.
“Mike has had offers from three other teams who wanted me to work out for them,” Seth said.
Her shoulders immediately tensed, her face getting surly.
“I told him I’m not playing anywhere but Milwaukee. Even if the money isn’t as good, he’s going to negotiate the best deal he can with the Dragons, and take it. I like this team, I like Milwaukee, and most important, I’m not dragging you to another city to start over again. I’m sorry we had to this year, but I promise, until you finish high school, we’re staying right here.”
A hesitant smile played at the corners of her mouth. “Really?”
“Really. I don’t know how else to tell you. You’re the most important thing in the world to me.”
She caught him off guard by throwing herself at his chest, wrapping her arms around his neck. He held her tightly, rocking her a little, like she was still his little girl. Because in some part of his heart, she always would be.