“Okay, well… erm…” Tammy fumbled through her thoughts as I sat back against the headboard, fighting back a laugh. “I feel like I should… okay, Cooper, when you engage in these kinds of… activities… with someone, you should be… uh… safe about it.”
“Tammy” I tried, but she kept going.
“There are condoms, of course, and you can also look into birth control.”
“You don’t have to give me the talk,” I told her, laughing. “Surprisingly, that was one thing my mother did manage to do. She was drunk, but still, she gave it.”
Tammy sighed in relief. “Oh, thank God, I’m sweating like a pig over here. Example forty-two of why it’s a blessing I never had kids of my own.”
I chuckled, amused at the difference in conversations between her and Lily that morning. Lily had asked for every detail, especially after I’d told her about how Emery had shown me how to go down on him, but Tammy was stuck in that weird zone between motherly figure and friend. It was actually quite comical listening to her try to stumble through it.
“So, now that we got that out of the way, how are you?”
She launched right into telling me about the new guy she was dating, thankful for the change in conversation after I’d confessed to her that I lost my virginity. It was almost nine in the morning, and I knew we needed to get going soon, but when I woke up an hour earlier, Emery had been gone — Kalo, too.
So, I practiced yoga, waking up a little less sore than the morning before, stretching through the aches still present in my thighs. I’d smiled the whole time, flashing back to the two nights before. I’d just had him and I already wanted more. I knew I’d never get enough, and when I laid back in Savasana trying to clear my mind, my thoughts continually drifted to him — his smile, his hands, his lips, his touch.
Tammy asked where we were heading next, and I was detailing our plans to go up the PCH when the door opened and Kalo flew through it, bounding onto the bed where I sat. She licked my face as I laughed, my eyes finding Emery’s as he dropped a paper bag from a bakery on the desk. I smiled, cheeks flushing from thoughts of the night before, but Emery didn’t return the grin. He barely looked at me before he retreated into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.
My stomach dropped.
“Please, be careful, Cooper. That road is winding and there are a lot of tourists on it. Keep your eyes on the road and keep the music down, too.”
“We’ll be fine,” I promised her. “Lots of stops along the way. But Emery just got back, so I’m going to get off here and start packing up.”
“Okay,” she said softly. “I miss you, kiddo. You’ll let me know when you make it to Seattle? Like I said, I can fly up and help you hunt for apartments. Just say the word.”
“Thank you, I just might take you up on that,” I answered, wondering again what would happen when that final destination was reached. “Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I dropped my phone on the bed once the call ended, rubbing Kalo’s fluffy head between my hands before hopping up and shoving my toiletries into my bag. I’d been so distracted by Emery’s hands on me the night before that I’d almost forgotten what I read in his journal, but now that he was locked in the bathroom with signs of a bad day written all over him, it was all I could think of.
But the truth is I know I won’t find what Grams thought I would, not until I reach our last dot on the map.
Only then will I find peace.
It didn’t make any more sense to me in the daylight than it did when I read it in the darkness, but it still made me feel just as sick. I wanted to read more, to find out what I’d missed, put the puzzle together, but the bathroom door swung open before I had the chance.
Emery’s eyes were ringed with purple, his hair stretching out in every which way as he ran a hand through it again. He hadn’t slept, I knew without asking, and today was a bad day, I knew without him saying a word.
“Hey,” I said tentatively, crossing the space between us. I slipped my hands around his waist, resting my head on his chest, but his arms didn’t move to pull me in.
“You about ready?”
I nodded against his t-shirt, inhaling the clean scent of the hotel soap still present from his shower the night before. “I’m ready when you are.” I paused. “It’s a bad day, isn’t it?”
My voice was low, barely a whisper, and Emery sighed as his hands wrapped around my upper arms. He peeled me off him, crossing to where his bag was on the bed and shoving the last of his belongings inside it before throwing it over his shoulder. “I walked Kalo, and there’s breakfast in that bag. We should head out, I think the early traffic on the PCH should be clearing soon, so hopefully it won’t be as crowded.”
“Emery.”
“Where are we stopping today? Santa Barbara and Pismo Beach?”
I shook my head, eyes on the carpet. He was avoiding me. It was almost worse than when he didn’t talk to me at all. I thought of the night before, wondering if I’d done something wrong. Maybe I wasn’t as good as he thought I would be. Maybe he realized he made a mistake. Maybe he couldn’t try, not like he thought he could.
But when those thoughts washed through me, I silenced them with a calming breath.
It’s not about me.
I knew that, even if it was hard to understand, hard to accept. He wasn’t upset with me, he wasn’t avoiding me or doing anything on purpose to upset me. It was a bad day, a day when he couldn’t give me much, but he asked me for it to be enough, anyway.
Emery wrapped Kalo’s leash around his fist and headed for the door, slinging my bag over his other shoulder, but my hand found his bicep as he passed, stopping him.
“Wait,” I said softly, eyes trailing up slowly. He was focused on the door, gaze straight ahead. I opened my mouth to say something else, to ask him to talk to me, to ask him what he was thinking, but all my thoughts died before they left my lips as words.
His nostrils flared, eyes falling to the floor like he was ashamed as he let out his own long breath.
“This isn’t easy for me, okay? I told you I would try, and I am, but I don’t like to talk about everything. I don’t have anything to say. I’m tired, and honestly, I didn’t even want to get up this morning, but I did. I’m trying. But I need you to just give me a little space today, okay?”
He didn’t mean to say the words harshly, but they came out that way, and my eyes watered a little as I dropped my hand from his forearm. “Okay.”
It was all I could manage and still respect what he’d asked of me. It was harder than I thought, giving him what he needed.
He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, then he grabbed my hands in his own. “It’s not you. The past two nights have been…” his voice trailed off when I lifted my chin. “I don’t have the words, okay? But it’s not you. Just… please, give me today. I’ll tell you what’s going on up here,” he said, tapping his temple. “When I can. When I figure it out myself. But right now, I just need you to understand.”
My heart ached with the urge to help him, to hold him, to sort through his thoughts together, but I wasn’t invited. As much as that stung, even him telling me this much was a step for us, and I held onto that as I nodded.
“Okay.”
We loaded up the car in silence, putting the top down as yet another gorgeous California day greeted us. I let my hand ride the breeze as we drove, popping in a CD a local rock band had given us on the pier the night before. Their vibe was a mixture of grunge and reggae, and I bobbed along to the beat, trying my best not to think about what was going through Emery’s mind as he drove beside me.
We planned to drive up the Pacific Coast Highway in about three days, give or take, and our first stop would be Santa Barbara. It was breathtaking, driving the coast, the waves rolling in and crashing against the rigid edges of the coast below us as we followed the winding road through the hills and valleys. Somewhere along the way, Emery’s hand found my thigh, and it rested there as we drove, a silent promise that even though he wasn’t talking that day, he was still there. He was still with me.
When we passed a sign that said we were about sixty miles away from Santa Barbara, an idea sprouted in my mind, and I reached forward to turn the music down.
“You know, I’ve never been kayaking before,” I said, and Emery turned to me then, his brows bent above his sunglasses. “What do you say we change that?”
It was sneaky.
I knew it even before I suggested it, and after Emery agreed to go, I went right back to letting him be silent and in his head. I knew taking him kayaking would make him think of his childhood, of good times with his family, and I hoped it would open him up for the evening. It wasn’t fair to play off emotions I wasn’t supposed to know about, like winning a game by stealing the other team’s playbook, but I didn’t feel guilty.
Because it worked.
We spent our afternoon in Santa Barbara, kayaking through the incredible sea caves and hiking on one of the islands. I didn’t try to talk to Emery the entire time, and most of it I spent away from him, exploring on my own. Kalo rode in his kayak since I was new to it, and he hiked with her on the island while I did the wildlife tour with our guide. After we were done, we packed up the car and got back on the road, and still, I didn’t bother Emery.
He was in his head, wheels turning as fast as the ones we rode on up the coast, and when we stopped for the night in Pismo Beach, he let me take the first shower, reaching inside his bag for his journal and immediately retreating out onto our balcony.
I took my time showering, washing my stump first before sending some of the pictures from my kayaking adventure to Tammy and Lily. Then I ran the shower, balancing on my good leg and lathering up with the premium soaps the hotel offered. I even used their blow dryer to dry my hair straight and long down my back, putting in contacts for only the second time since we began our trip and applying a bit of mascara. I was tan from the day in the sun, so I didn’t need much else.
Emery was still outside when I came out of the shower, and I pulled out my dress from Vegas. Antonio had showed me alternate ways to wear it, one of them being as a top, and I followed his directions, tucking it into shorts and tying the left end of it in a knot that revealed just a sliver of my stomach. When my leg was back on, I slipped into the ballet flats I’d bought in Vegas and stepped out onto the balcony.
“I’m going out for a nice dinner tonight,” I said, but Emery was still writing frantically in his journal. The sun had almost disappeared already, just a sliver of it beyond the horizon as I stepped closer to him, leaning against the railing right in front of him. “Would you like to join me?”
He went to shake his head, eyes flicking up to me for just a moment before they were back on his journal, but then his pen paused, hovering above the pages as he lifted his eyes again.
They trailed slowly up my legs, catching on the point where my dress-turned-top showed my midriff before they climbed the rest of the way up to my face. The breeze blew in from the beach behind me then, sending my hair up in a whirlwind, and I tucked it behind my ears, waiting.
Emery stood, his journal falling into the chair he’d just sat in with the pen rolling to the ground. His hands reached for me first, finding my waist and sliding around until they clasped together at my lower back, and he moved until every inch of us was fit together in a seam. His nose brushed mine, eyes closing, and I lifted my chin until our lips met.
It was like that kiss brought him back to life, back to me, and he groaned into it, his hands fisting at my back and pulling me closer. I need you, that kiss told me, and I deepened it, letting him know I needed him, too. Dusk settled on the beach as he pressed his forehead to mine, quiet slipping between us.
“Thank you,” he whispered, leaning back until our eyes connected. “It was a bad day, and you let me have it. And more than that — you told me without words that you were here. I don’t…” He shook his head. “I don’t know that I deserved that, but you gave it anyway.”
“We’re both just trying, remember?” I said with a shrug. “That’s all we can do.”
Emery nodded, a smirk finding his lips as his eyes roamed my body again. “And yes, I’d love to take you to dinner tonight. Give me a second to get changed.”
He regretfully let me go, stealing a few more kisses before I shoved him inside, the journal already calling to me before Emery had even taken his last step off the balcony. I picked it up, bending to retrieve the pen from the ground, but instead of opening it, I took it inside, tucking it inside his bag without so much as a peek.
Emery smiled that night at dinner. He told me about how his family used to kayak and I pretended I didn’t already know. He told me it was one of his favorite memories with his grandma, and I pretended that was new, too. And he thanked me, for the day, for the understanding, though when we got back to the hotel, he slipped back into his mind, picking up his journal to finish the entry he’d started before we left.
I was thankful for the day turning around, but as the night went on, my heart thumped harder in my chest, reminding me with every beat that we were one day closer to Seattle, one day closer to the end. We hadn’t talked all day, which meant we hadn’t talked about us, about what we’re doing, about what we’ll do.
Anxiety washed over me as I watched him write from my side of the bed, my hand absentmindedly petting Kalo as she slept between us. He felt like mine, that lost boy, but he wasn’t — we only had the days we shared the road together, the days we traveled on the same journey with the same destination in mind. I didn’t know what would happen once we got there, once we were no longer tied together by a common thread.
I was giving myself to a boy who never promised to keep me, pretending I didn’t need that affirmation, that I was okay. I could do casual. I could do try. But when Emery turned out the light that night, pulling me into him and fitting his chest to my back, his legs curling underneath mine, I knew I’d been lying — to him and to myself.
I wanted his words, his promises, but I knew he couldn’t give them to me — not yet. So, I listened to his breaths, felt his hot skin against mine, and told myself it would all be okay. He felt it, too. I knew he did. I just had to trust that, without asking him to say it out loud.
I had to believe.
I only hoped I actually could.