Slow.
That was the only way to drive the Pacific Coast Highway.
The small stretch we’d covered the day before was nothing compared to the miles we drove that next day, the road winding up the central coast of California. Sometimes we’d hug the mountainside, high above the coast, the water stretching out to our left while the ridges climbed to our right. Other times we were mere feet from the water, maybe even inches, the salty breeze misting our noses.
I snapped a picture of Emery driving when we passed through Cayucos, the emerald water tinged with turquoise serving as a backdrop, his hair whipping in the wind, sunglasses up, smirk in place. We’d been mostly quiet all day, but it wasn’t because it was a bad day. We were quiet because there was so much to see, so much to observe, and we took that stretch of our journey slowly, stopping along the way for food, and sometimes just to sit and stare.
The downside to our quiet drive was that my mind wasn’t quiet at all.
All day, I ran through what I would say to Emery when we stopped for the night. I didn’t want to tarnish the new openness he had with me by asking for more than he could give, but I knew I needed to hear something… even if I wasn’t sure what. It was a delicate balance, wishing for him to give me more when all I’d asked originally was for him to try. Emery was like a firework with the fuse burnt all the way down to the end, momentarily paused, temporarily safe — and I didn’t know if he would remain in tact or blow to bits if I took even one step closer.
It was after midnight when Emery reached forward for the music dial, pulling off US Highway 1 and into the Big Sur River Inn. Kalo had been passed out in the back seat for hours, and she let me walk her long enough for her to go to the bathroom before she was over it. Emery checked us in and once we dropped our bags on the bed in the cabin-style room, I let out a long yawn, stretching my arms up over my head.
“Today was amazing,” I said, twisting back and forth to work out the soreness in my lower back.
“Day’s not over yet. Get naked, I’m taking you somewhere.”
I balked, arms falling to my sides. “Um… I think I misheard you.”
“You didn’t.”
Emery smirked, stripping down to his birthday suit before ruffling through one of the paper bags he’d brought back with him after our stop in Cambria. He pulled out two large, white robes, tossing one to me before covering his goods with the other.
I just blinked.
“Hurry up, we have a reservation in thirty minutes.”
“We have a reservation at one in the morning?” I questioned, still clutching the robe to my chest. “And you’re wearing that?”
“As are you. If you recall, you owe me — all thanks to a little wing challenge in Texas. Now,” he said, flicking his wind-blown hair out of his face before crossing the room to where I stood. His knuckle found my chin, lifting it until his lips brushed mine as he lowered his voice, his words tickling my skin. “Get naked, or I’ll be forced to strip you myself.”
I swallowed, his mouth closing over mine so briefly I wasn’t sure it even happened before he pulled Kalo’s food out and water out. He rubbed her head, grabbed the car keys, and looked back at me with a cocked brow one more time before he was out the door, and I had no choice but to follow.
It was like stumbling upon a secret hideaway, one no one was meant to discover, when we pulled into Esalen. A light bit of fog covered the roads and tumbled up over the wooden sign announcing our arrival, and I let my fingers hang out the window, the cool of the clouds tickling my skin as the guard let us in and pointed us to where we needed to go.
Emery held my hand as we joined the rest of the group, about twenty or so other people who were all fully clothed. I narrowed my eyes at him when we loaded up on the shuttle, but he just squeezed my hand with a mischievous smile.
Everyone was silent as we rode through the lodging areas, and even when we were dropped off at an immaculate co-ed changing area, complete with showers, it seemed no one had words to say. In fact, it was as if silence was the only way to come into Esalen. Emery told me it was a healing resort, a place to meditate and practice self-discovery, but we were just dipping our toes in for the night.
Literally, dipping our toes in. Into the hot springs, to be more precise.
When the guide dropped us off, everyone in the group stripped out of their clothes quietly, each of them taking turns stepping into the shower before heading outside to the various hot spring tubs available. We were on our own, everyone making the night their own experience, and no one seemed to be judging anyone else.
That didn’t make it any easier for me to disrobe.
“No one is watching you,” Emery assured me, untying his own robe and draping it over one of the wooden benches. He stepped forward and into me, pressing his lips to mine and keeping them there as his hands found the bow tied at the front of my robe. He pulled one end of it, and the robe fell open, only his body blocking my body from the rest of the room. “And it’s dark out there, save for the moonlight.”
A nervous breath left my lips as he pushed the fabric of my robe down my shoulders, catching it before it hit the floor and laying it next to his. “I kind of want to kill you right now.”
Emery chuckled, kissing me again before kneeling below me. “Just trust me.”
He placed my hands on his shoulder, helping me balance as he removed my prosthesis and wrapped it in our robes. Then he stood, one arm coming under the bend in my knees, the other supporting my lower back as he cradled me in his arms. He walked us to the showers, waggling his eyebrows as he ran the water over our bare bodies.
“You know what, maybe we should just go back to the room,” he mused, running a flat hand over my neck and down to cup my breast with an appreciative grown.
“Nuh-uh,” I said, smacking his hand away. “You dragged me out into the cold at one in the morning and got me naked in front of a bunch of strangers. We’re not leaving until I get the payout for this torture.”
Emery smirked. “I promise, I won’t let you go to sleep until you’re completely satisfied.”
I just rolled my eyes, but a blush crept up my neck as he carried me out of the changing area, the cold night air washing over my hot skin as we walked past the different baths.
Emery settled on one of the smaller tubs, nodding to the only other couple in it as we descended the stairs into the hot water. He let me go when we were all the way in, leading us over to the edge of the tub that hung a bit off the mountain, the water less than one-hundred feet below us. A man took a seat at the edge of our tub, above the water, his hands folding in his lap as he crossed his legs and closed his eyes, settling in for a meditation.
And for the first several minutes, we were both completely speechless.
It was an out-of-body experience, sitting in that hot spring suspended above the Pacific coast, the waves crashing against the rocks below, salt floating on the breeze all the way up to our noses. I existed both in the water with Emery and above it, too — watching as the moonlight painted our skin, listening as the ocean slept, smelling the beached kelp, feeling the hot steam from the bath as it competed with the cool breeze washing in from the west.
The moon was high and bright above us, the stars speckled all around it, almost as if they were close enough to touch. I thought I saw one dive across the sky, burning one last time before it died. Emery’s hand grazing my lower hip brought me back into my body, back to the present moment, and I turned to him just as he began to speak.
“My grandma came here in the early seventies,” he said, his eyes scanning the waves in the distance. “She said it was a staple in the ‘human potential movement.’ At the time, my grandma was in what she described to me as the worst depression of her life. It was just after she had my father, and she felt like she was failing as mother and wife both. So, she came here to find clarity.”
“She experienced depression, too,” I said, though I already knew it from reading his journal. Another confession of his robbed by my curiosity.
Emery nodded. “She did.”
He was quiet again after that, lost in his thoughts, and I rested my chin on the cool rock of the tub, watching the white caps of the waves roll under the moonlight. Something about that place, not just the setting, but the sanctuary itself, left me swimming in introspection, and I wanted to share something with Emery, too.
“When I first lost my leg, I didn’t even want to try to walk again,” I confessed. “Everything just… hurt, you know? Not just the actual wound that was healing, but the memory of my leg. It hurt to think of how I took advantage of something so precious, how I never had to think about walking before, and now if I ever wanted to do it again, I’d have to work and work and work, every single day, just to be able to do it half as good as I used to.”
Emery’s hand squeezed my hip, and I leaned into the touch.
“I’d never felt that, that kind of hopelessness. And then one night, I overheard my parents in the kitchen. They were talking about the accident, about my leg, and my mom said it would be so embarrassing to be in a wheelchair or to have a prosthetic leg. She said it was such a shame, because I was so pretty before. Before,” I repeated, the word bitter on my tongue. “And that was the first time it occurred to me that the accident had split my life in two — before, and after.”
“No offense, but your mom is a bitch.”
I laughed, the sound soft, my eyes still on the water. “None taken. But you know, it was what my dad said next that really kicked me in the chest.” I swallowed, remembering the sound of his voice as it carried from the kitchen down the hall to my bedroom where they thought I was sleeping. “He said he didn’t know how I could even live with myself. He said if he was me, he would just end it all.” I couldn’t look at Emery when I said the next sentence. “My own father said my life wasn’t worth living anymore.”
“Jesus,” he whispered.
“But you know what? Hearing him say that, it was exactly what I needed. Nothing like hearing someone say you shouldn’t live anymore to make you want to do just that to spite them. He lit the fire in me, the one I’ve had burning ever since. I didn’t just learn how to walk, I did it in record time, and then I did yoga, and got a job, and did everything they thought I never would. I lived,” I said. “And then I left, just like I promised them I would one day.”
We were both quiet again, the weight of what I’d said hanging between us like a lead balloon. Emery’s touch at my waist was lighter now, his brows pinched together. I wondered what he was thinking — not just about me, but about himself, about that day when he tried to take his life.
“Is this the place?” I finally asked, my voice thick with uncertainty. “You told me you were driving across the country because you ‘had to see something,’” I reminded him. “Is this it?”
“No,” he answered quickly. “Well, it’s one of the places, I guess, but it’s not the final stop.”
My stomach rolled, the thoughts I’d been mulling over all day sweeping in on the next breeze to remind me of all the uncertainty I felt when it came to the end of our trip. I let my head fall to the side, cheek on the stones as I traced the edge of the shadows on his face. “When this is all over, this trip… will I ever see you again?”
Emery sucked in a long breath, letting it out slowly, his breath pushing against the steam. “That’s an easy question with a complicated answer.”
“Is it?” I challenged. “Seems like a pretty simple yes or no kind of answer to me.”
He faced me then, his arms moving to wrap around me until my chest was against his, our bodies wet and hot and slick as he molded himself to me. One thigh slipped between my own, brushing against my core, my eyes fluttering shut with the feel of it.
“All I can say right now is that I know where I’m going, but I don’t know what I’ll find when I get there. And until I figure that out, I can’t answer your question,” he said, his voice a whisper on the ocean breeze. “It may not make sense to you, but it’s all I can give. Is it enough?”
I nodded, swallowing down the nerves and latching onto his words. They weren’t a promise for more, but they were an honest plea for understanding, and they were enough.
Emery pressed his forehead to mine, the breaths leaving his chest faster as one hand skated down my back, cupping my ass and lifting me into him. That sensitive part of me rubbed against his thigh and a moan escaped my lips, soft and longing, making him harden against my middle as his hands tightened around me.
“Please, tell me you’re not sore anymore,” he breathed, rolling his hips into me.
“I’m not sore.”
“Thank fuck,” he growled, arms moving until I was cradled against his chest once more. He walked us up out of the tub quickly, the cold air piercing our hot skin like needles, his kiss piercing my heart like a knife. “I want you tonight. All of you.”
My voice was a breath on the breeze. “Take me.”
And with that plea, we were on the road again, driving too fast down the foggy coast back to our hotel.
My back hit the door as soon as it closed behind us, Emery dropping my prosthetic in the corner carefully before his hands pinned me again. They gripped my hips hard, his own grinding against me as I raked my hands through his hair, my lips desperate on his. It was all-encompassing, the way he kissed me, not just with his mouth but with every part of his body. His breaths kissed my neck, his teeth dragging along the sensitive skin as I arched into him, his hands gripping harder, arms trapping, moans cutting deep like the sweetest suicide. I was already gone before he’d even really touched me.
Emery ripped the tie loose at the front of my robe, shoving it back off my shoulders and sucking the swell of my breast as soon as it was unveiled. I gasped, head hitting the door before I gripped him harder, biting the hard muscle of his shoulder as he moved his way back up to kiss behind my ear.
“If I go too hard, tell me to stop,” he warned, hips pressing into me against the door so he could free one hand. It hooked under my ass first, gripping hard before sliding down my thigh, snaking up the middle, and one finger entered me quickly and roughly and without mercy.
I cried out, moaning with eyes squeezed shut, legs opening for him. “More.”
“That’s my girl,” he growled, and another finger slid in to join the first, spreading me wider.
His touch wasn’t gentle at first, his fingers thrusting in hard, curling at the tips and working in time with his mouth sucking the skin of my neck. I was frantic, arching into him and away from the door, my hands flying from the cool wood to his shoulders to his hair and back again. I couldn’t get a grip on anything, least of all my composure. I was lost, spiraling down into nothing, burning from the inside out.
But then Emery inhaled a long breath, the air filling his lungs before it touched my lips with his exhale, and he slowed. His fingers worked in a smoother rhythm, his kisses longer and softer. The crease of his brows told me he was fighting against the urge to go faster, harder, and when his touch turned more gentle, I sighed into his mouth.
Being touched by Emery was my new favorite state of being. When his hands were on my thighs, when his lips were on my neck, when his eyes were on my body like figure skaters, looping and gliding from top to bottom, inch over inch. It was an excavation, a slow and purposeful discovery, each and every time.
Slowly and carefully, Emery withdrew his fingers, my body shaking violently at the loss of heat as he picked me up again, carrying me across our room with his mouth fused to mine. My back hit the bed, the cool comforter puffing up around me as he dropped his hands on either side of my head. The longing in his eyes as he stared down at me, admiring for a moment before he lowered his mouth to mine again, it was enough to undo me. It was enough to make me wish to stay in that moment, in that room with him, forever.
He pushed back to standing long enough to make quick work of his own robe, the white fabric falling to the floor at his feet as I traced the lines of his abdomen. Emery was so hard, every inch of him, from the lines on his forehead to the muscles of his thighs. Lean and toned, strong and tall — he was all man.
His eyes were hot on mine as he knelt, kissing his way down my flat stomach. A soft shudder of a breath left my lips and my eyes fluttered closed at the contact, at the feel of his wet lips on my skin. He dragged his tongue up the inside of my thigh, tugging me forward off the edge of the bed just enough for him to maneuver his way under me, and then his mouth was where I ached for him most.
I moaned, hands gripping the comforter as he ran his tongue flat over me before sucking my bud. He gripped my thighs in both hands, spreading me wide as he buried his face in me, and it was all I could do to just keep breathing. I should have felt embarrassed, exposed for him like that, my most sensitive and private parts of my body on full display in ways never seen before. But I only felt desired. I only felt wanted in a way a goddess is wanted by a man, the way freedom is wanted by a prisoner, the way rain is wanted by a drought-ridden crop.
My legs shook on either side of his face, trembling at his touch, and just when my orgasm started to build, Emery pulled back, the sensation leaving me in a rush as every tensed muscle released at once.
“Oh, God,” I breathed, shaking at the loss, and Emery smirked as he towered over me again. Bending forward, he snaked one arm under the arch in my back, lifting and moving me back up the bed until my head hit the pillows and his weight settled between my thighs. For a long moment he watched me again, his hands in my hair, eyes searching mine.
“I don’t deserve to touch you like this,” he whispered, fingers brushing my hair behind one ear.
It broke me, the way his face cracked under the weight of his words, the words he believed to be true. But I knew they weren’t. I knew he was meant to touch me, that he was the only one who had ever deserved to. So I leaned up, telling him with a kiss that he was wrong, assuring him with a roll of my hips that I wanted him, too — perhaps even more than he wanted me.
He reached forward for his wallet on the nightstand, never breaking our kiss, and then there was a faint rip of the condom wrapper and a pressure at my center. His hands moved from my hair to my shoulders, fingers curling around them, his biceps encompassing me as he flexed forward.
And then we both sighed, our foreheads pressed together, breaths meeting between us in a current of longing.
He filled me completely, my thighs squeezing his hips at the sensation as he withdrew and rocked forward again. It was as new as the first time, as foreign and exciting and overwhelming. Electricity filled me from the inside out, buzzing my nervous system to life, igniting the air around us with a shock. When he picked up speed, finding a rhythm, I felt the fire catching where his body rolled against mine with each thrust.
“Yes,” I breathed as he pulled back, the whole of him sliding out until just the tip was left before he rolled forward again. “More.”
“If I give you any more, you’ll break,” he panted, kissing my collarbone, his hands still curled under my shoulders. He pulled me down, his own hips rocking forward again, the flex filling me deeper.
But I wanted more.
Pressing my hands into his chest, I leaned and rolled until he submitted to me, taking my place on the bed as I straddled him. Emery’s eyes widened when I sat upright, his hands falling to rest where my thighs and hips met in a crease. His hard body was beneath me then, sprawled out against the white sheets, and I bent down to kiss him before I used one hand to slide him back inside me.
We both moaned with the new position, and though I knew my bad leg would make it a little challenging, I wanted this — I wanted to bring him the pleasure he was bringing me. I moved slow, adjusting to the new way he filled me, and when I finally slid all the way down, Emery squeezed his eyes shut on a curse.
“Oh, my God,” I breathed, sitting there for a moment before lifting again. “It’s so… you’re so deep this way.” I whimpered when I slid over him again, the way he hit me inside like never before, a depth I’d never experienced.
“Fuck,” Emery groaned, flexing his hips into me. “I love when you talk like that. Tell me what you’re feeling.”
“Everything,” I sighed, thighs burning a little as I moved over him. “I feel everything.”
Emery’s hands fell to the bed, letting me take control, and I threaded my fingers with his on either side of us before moving them to my hips again. He held my slight frame in his hands, less shaky than the first night he touched me, and I bent to whisper against his lips.
“Help me ride you.”
He growled, the sound low and throaty as I pushed up off the bed, sitting all the way down on him. His grip tightened, and with the help of his hands, I lifted until only the tip of him was still inside me before sliding down again. With his help, I could move faster, his hips thrusting forward to hit deeper, and my orgasm built with the speed of a Ferrari flying down an unmarked highway.
“Cooper,” Emery husked, and I peered at him through heavy lids. “I want you to touch yourself.”
His eyes fell to my chest, and I hesitantly pulled my hands from where they gripped his wrists, fingertips gliding up my rib cage. When I paused, unsure, Emery tightened his grip on my hips and pulled me down again, hips flexing.
“Touch yourself for me.”
Chills broke over my skin as I obeyed, and when my fingers rolled my nipples between them, that same electricity I’d felt buzz to life earlier shocked my system. Every nerve awakened, and I moaned out his name, a prayer answered before I’d even known to ask.
Emery sat upright, moving until his back was against the headboard and our chests were pressed together again. His mouth found mine in a frenzy, his hands still helping me ride him, our bodies connected at every point from hip to lips. He rocked into me slow and steady, a new friction building between us, and I moaned into his mouth with every new thrust.
That night, Emery didn’t kiss me like we had forever. He kissed me like it was our last night on Earth, like he had mere moments to fill me, to touch me, to take all he could before we both faded into nonexistence. His teeth sank into my bottom lip, his hands moving to cup my ass as he lifted me to his tip, sliding me back down slowly, every centimeter stretching me more. Then again, faster, harder, his teeth releasing my lip as he moved to kiss my shoulder, the swell of my breast, the hollow point of my throat.
He was all strength and longing, holding the weight of me as he filled me again and again. The friction of his tight abdomen against my center sent a spark of pleasure through me, the heat popping and fizzing with each brush. I rolled into him, each wave reaching farther, climax tickling my fingertips, it was so close. When he groaned in my ear, his entire body surrounding mine, I clenched tight around him until stars invaded my vision and all my muscles tightened and released at once, my orgasm rocking through me like a tsunami. I clutched his shoulders, his name on repeat from my lips like I was speaking in tongues as I moaned out my release.
Emery kissed me hard, his arms wrapping around me tighter as he thrust in twice more, each time hitting me deeper before he held me in place, pulsing out his own release with a longing groan. His hands bruised my hips, holding me there as he emptied, his body shaking, eyes squeezed shut. When they finally fluttered open again, his body stilling, I collapsed into him with a shudder, giving him all of my weight, all of me.
For a while we just breathed, we just existed, two bare bodies wrapped up in each other like tangled wires. The air still buzzed and sparked, and I leaned up enough to look into his sated eyes, my fingertips running through the damp strands of his hair, feeling each one from root to tip before letting it fall and repeating the motion.
Emery watched me, his eyes flicking between mine before falling to my lips where he placed a tender kiss. My heart was so full, swelling with words unsaid, with feelings never experienced. He just held me closer, tighter, like even one centimeter of space between us was too much.
It was like a dream, my body numb and mind distant as we rolled, Emery pulling me under the covers with him and curling into me. He held me, his breaths on the back of my neck, arms wrapped around me like a sweater. But this time, and for the first time, my dreams weren’t better than my reality. Emery was real, the way I felt was real, and every ounce of fatigue I had washed out of me at that realization.
I was wide awake, and I never wanted to sleepwalk through life again.