Chapter 10
Tired and emotionally drained with the recent drama, I quietly led Alex back to my flat on Nicolson Street. I was just looking forward to sitting down and relaxing for a little while, to tell you the truth, and whatever could happen with Alex, could happen. If she wanted to get a taxi home or spend the night sleeping beside me or on the couch, then I didn't care. I wasn't going to force her to do anything that she didn't want to do, especially if I didn't want to end up like the broken-nosed junkie who was probably still nursing his sore groin and face on the nearby street where we'd just left him.
I unlocked the front, main security door to the tenement block. Strangely, I actually felt like I hadn't been here in ages, but the key worked fine. I blamed my odd feelings on the emotional and crazy day I'd enjoyed with Alex, spiced up by my exhaustion, from walking around Edinburgh all day, getting the better of me, and then the drinks we'd shared and the adrenaline rush from our recent mugging scare.
I smiled wearily at Alex and held the door open for her. She returned my gesture with a warm smile and a gentle touch to my shoulder as she proceeded into the stairwell. I led her up to the second floor and found my flat, lucky number seven. I opened the front door and let Alex in first.
“Just take a seat in the living room and make yourself at home. Would you like a glass of wine? Or a beer?”
“Beer is good. Thank you,” said Alex as she followed the hallway to its end and entered the living room. She turned the lights on and sat down on the black leather couch.
I made my way into the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of beer from the fridge. I couldn't find a bottle opener anywhere so I cracked them open with a spoon. I then made my way into the living room, handed Alex her beer and sat down beside her. She took the beer, oddly without thanks, and now seemed a little distant. Perhaps she was also just tired of being on her feet all day.
“So how are you feeling now?”
Alex didn't answer right away and fell strangely silent. I took a sip from my beer and considerately reached over to rub the back of her neck with my fingers.
“You're not sore anywhere, are you?”
Alex shook her head, still distant and curiously sad.
Not cottoning on to her sudden change of mood, I chuckled aloud, reminiscing her crazy actions at freeing herself from the mugger's grasp, breaking his damn nose and then some in the process.
“That was a bloody brave thing you did back there, but also very stupid. If it had gone the wrong way…I hate to think, you know.”
“Sometimes I just do things without thinking,” Alex flatly replied, still staring distantly, straight ahead. “It is like, sometimes, my emotions and impulses, they take over my body and completely get the better of me.”
“Like beating the shit out of muggers,” I joked.
“Or spending the day with random strangers on a whim, who I know absolutely nothing about and become amused and enchanted and trusting to the words that they speak.”
I let out a nervous chuckle at her out of character comments. I'd never heard her speak with such a mean tone. She was clearly upset by something.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“Whatever you would like it to mean.”
She took a long sip from her beer.
“What are you trying to say? That I've somehow been deceiving you all day? Lying about myself? Lying about my life. Is that what you mean?”
“Have you?” Alex said sharply as she turned to me with eyes like daggers.
“Where is this all coming from? Why would you suddenly think that?”
Alex bit her tongue and stared distantly out towards the back of the room.
“Everything I’ve told you today, in reply to all the questions you’ve asked, has been God’s honest truth. Why the hell would I lie to you?”
“It is amazing the things a man would say and do these days to get a woman into their bed, no?”
So we were finally getting to the heart of it. The nitty and the gritty. I smiled wryly and lightly shook my head.
“I guess that could be true. In some circumstances.”
“In most circumstances.”
“So is this why you think I’m with you today? Just to get you into my bed at the end of it all? Have a quick, no-strings fling, before you go back to your own country tomorrow? You think this was the only reason I brought you back here to my flat?”
“I don’t know what to think anymore.”
Alex placed her beer down on the table beside her.
“Maybe we should change that beer to a coffee,” I tried.
“No. It is fine.”
I hesitated then watched as she crossed her arms over her chest.
“So tell me then. What's on your mind? What's made you so suspicious of me all of a sudden?”
Another uncomfortable pause lingered in the air. Then, with her arms still tucked, she turned to face me again with another look that chilled me to the bone.
“If I was to ask you right now if you have a woman in your life. A wife, perhaps, or a girlfriend, what would you tell me?”
I remained silent for as long as I could. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't think of anyone in my life at this precise moment who meant as much to me as Alex did. But yes, there was someone. Used to be someone, I should say.
“I don't... I don't have a girlfriend,” I said, telling her the truth.
“You don't?” Alex replied, snorting and raising her voice. “So who the hell is this girl in the picture?”
“What picture?” I replied, baffled, confused.
Alex glanced sharply over towards the TV at the far end of the room. I followed her steely gaze. It was like I was seeing it for the very first time. Then my mind clicked. Holy Shit. Rebecca. It was a picture of me and Rebecca. Why the hell didn't I hide that? Shit, it should've been the first thing I did when I came home. My mind began spinning.
Rebecca and I. It was a delicate situation. A situation I'm pretty sure Alex wouldn't understand at that time. Especially that she was someone so young and inexperienced with love and relationships and life. I could come clean. I could explain and tell her the truth... or I could try and save this magical day from nose-bombing into the cold, harsh North Sea by coming clean, bending the truth just a little.
“Look Alex. I honestly don't know what the situation is between me and Rebecca. It's not a happy one that's for sure or else she'd be here now, you know. And I didn't plan on meeting someone like you today, okay. It just happened and for some reason or another I went with it. If I’d planned to bring you back here all along and have my wicked way with you, then I sure as shit would have hid away any trace of any other woman living in this apartment with me, that's for damn sure. Today, I just went along for the ride and gave way to the feelings inside me. I have no idea what’s happening here. I'm just going with the bloody flow, if I'm honest.”
“And what exactly do you think is happening here, huh?”
I smiled and tried to sound as sincere as I possibly could.
“What I’d like to happen and what could happen are two, completely different things altogether.”
“And your girlfriend?”
I looked away from Alex as I deeply pondered my next series of words. I wish I knew what to tell her, but I simply did not. Rebecca was my wife. But I couldn't confess that to Alex, not now. Not after everything we'd been through today. The word and term girlfriend or ex seemed so much easier to go along with.
“My girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend. It's…it’s very complicated.”
“Such is life, Ryan, but whether you have a girlfriend or not does not matter to me right now in this instance. I’m not going to become upset and accuse you of deceiving me and storm out, never to be seen nor heard from again. I like you, but the harsh reality is that after tonight we are probably never going to see each other again anyway...”
Really. Was that what she thought? Perhaps that might be something that she wanted but for me, definitely not. Absolutely not.
“And when I leave here,” she continued, “I would very much like to have a good memory of you, Ryan, and a good memory of my time in your beautiful city. And for this to happen I need to know that I was able to trust you completely. That you had been sincere and honest and open with me, from the start of our adventure, about everything. If you had lied to me even once, well then that is enough to destroy whatever happy memories we have made together today. You will only ever get one chance with me, Ryan. I do not do second chances with anyone who hurts or disrespects me. Do you understand that?”
I wanted to speak. I wanted to pour out what was so desperately on my mind. To tell her my feelings, tell her what she meant to me. I had fallen in love with this girl after one beautiful, wonderful day and if I had lied to her at some point then it definitely wasn't intentional. I ran my fingers through my hair, rough and hard. I let out a frustrated sigh. Why couldn't I get the words out? Why could I not just come clean and confess?
“To me,” Alex continued, “a girlfriend or boyfriend is not a serious commitment this day and age. It's no big deal to me if you have a girlfriend. People change partners these days like they change their favourite shirt or dress. But something like marriage on the other hand, well, this for me is a much more serious and sacred commitment and one that I would never knowingly mess around with. I have very strong feelings regarding marriage, Ryan. Call me old fashioned, but marriage to me is something so precious and sacred. A commitment to be truly shared, cherished, and upheld by true soul mates, because no matter what, you are in this for the rest of your lives together. That person belongs to you and you to them. To love and to hold. To cherish forever.”
Shit, how the hell could I confess my marriage after that speech. Quickly, I had to change the subject, giving myself more time to think of the right course of action to take.
“And do you have a boyfriend back home?” I said interrupting her train of thought. I wanted to turn the tables. See what she had to say for herself, since she'd been so vague earlier today about her life back in Czech and the reason she was over here in the first place. Last time she'd spoken about it, before the ghost tour, she'd said it was personal. To get away from something or someone.
Alex glanced away. She bit on her thumb. She was thinking hard. Whatever it was, it clearly distressed her. Finally, she spoke, although she didn't turn to face me.
“Two weeks ago, yes. Yes, I will admit that I did have a boyfriend, but I decided I needed some time away from him, from my life, from everything. Just some time away to think before I could finally move forward with my life...”
As she paused, I glanced back over at the photograph with Becka and I. I tried desperately to remember what it was like with her. There must have been some good times, but I was damned if I could think of them.
“Becka,” I finally said, breaking the silence, “I've been with her for a good few years. But I don't think it was ever love in the end. Yes, there was some kind of attraction there. Of course there was, but mostly physical at first. It was never love though. I'm sure of that now. It was more of a connivance. And the more we got to know each other over the past few years, spending time together, the more I felt she was only really attractive to me on a purely physical level. Do you know what I mean?”
“This is a horrible thing to say, Ryan, but it must be a hard thing to admit too.”
“It is, aye. And maybe you're too young to understand this, but have you ever been with someone for such a long period of time, much longer than you should have been with them, only to realize that it was because you were just too damn scared to leave them? Like you just didn't want to be alone in the world, too afraid to act in case you would be unable to find someone else, something better?”
“This sounds very sad and weak to me. If a relationship is not working, then you only cause more harm than good by dragging it on and on. But if you are not married to the person, then it should not be a big deal to end it.”
“We were together so long I must be so scared to bring it to an end, you know. I'm thirty now. Is there a chance for me to meet someone else again? Someone fresh, passionate, full of life? Someone who inspires me mentally and physically? Someone who I want to wake up beside to every single day? Spend my life with? Fall in love with, heart, body and soul?'
Alex placed her hand upon my hand. It felt good to feel her touch again, her soft warmth.
“But the more I think about the two of us together the more I realise we had absolutely nothing left in common any longer. I like to play sports, tennis, rugby, football during weekends. She prefers to go shopping or get a manicure, get her fake tan up to scratch. Drag me to meet her party drama-queen friends at the latest nightclub event. I am sick to death of fucking night clubs. I love to walk everywhere. She prefers to get a taxi. I love museums, libraries, galleries, new cities, new cultures. She likes expensive restaurants, wine bars, and more night clubs. I want to take a weekend break to a new place or a new city at least once a month or else save up for a fantastic and adventurous trip to South America or Africa, or backpack around Europe. She wants to save up for a beach holiday in the Maldives or a fucking boob job.'
I paused for breath and carefully shook my head.
“I remember so many times I’ve tried to organise a camping trip out to Loch Lomond or to Loch Ness, but she was never interested in this kind of adventure. Seeing nature from the inside of a two-man tent didn't appeal to her one little bit. Unless that tent came with a five-star hotel room, night club, manicure, and a goddamn power shower.”
“I know what you’re saying, Ryan. But it sounds to me like you have already made a decision about your future with this girl and probably sometime ago too.”
I took another deep breath and let out a frustrated sigh. I ran my fingers through my hair and relaxed back into my seat.
“All I know is that today, for the first time in a long time, I met a really cool girl. A terrific girl in fact. A girl who I connected with awesomely.”
Alex blushed, but I didn't care. I had to say this.
“She’s so damn beautiful, inside and out. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s sporty, she’s cultured, she’s pretty. She's just such good damn fun to be around. And I cannot stop thinking about her even when I'm with her.”
Alex chuckled but with tears in her eyes.
“Yes, she does look young, but looks can be so deceiving too. Her eyes, her expressions, her passion, her words. They all make her seem so much older than she really is. So much wiser than her younger years suggest and so much more interesting. Although she is a little annoying and mysterious at times especially regarding her life back home.”
I gave her a quick wink and she turned away from me, blushing slightly.
“And her Scottish sense of humour sucks too since she can take forever to get my amazing jokes.”
“Hey,” Alex cried, while slapping me on the thigh.
“And between you and me, I think she’s still in some kind of serious relationship with another boy out there, somewhere.”
Alex smiled and shook her head.
“And tomorrow, she's gonna fly back home and out of my life. Will it be for good? To become just another fading memory in my mind over the next few weeks, months, and years? I don’t know.”
Unexpectedly, Alex slid herself right up against me and gently placed the palm of her hand on the side of my face. It was a warm and affectionate gesture which told me that perhaps she, too, felt the same way as I.
“Do you really wish to see me again?” whispered Alex.
“More than you know, Alexandra the Great. More than you will ever know,” I whispered back, smiling graciously. I edged my face and lips toward hers.
“You know, I've been told in the past by friends and family, especially by past girlfriends, that I don’t speak to them with any real emotion. That I always keep my feelings, good and bad, bottled up inside where they eventually turn bitter, angry, and cold. I've lost some really great people in my life because I was just too stubborn and too proud at the time to tell them how I was really feeling, you know.'
“Like a typical man.”
“But with you, I've only spent one day with you Alex, and already I've told you almost everything about me. I have never been so open with anyone before in my entire life. That's the God's honest truth. I don’t want to make this mistake with you, by not telling you how I feel about this situation that we now found ourselves in and how good I feel about it.'
Alex caressed my face more and more, her glistening radiant eyes staring deep into mine.
“Because if I don’t tell you this right now, then something tells me deep down inside, that I may never get the chance to do so, again.”
Alex put a finger to my lips and shushed me. A single tear trickled down her cheek as she kissed me on the lips, softly at first, and then with a great, fiery passion. I ran my hand and fingers through the back of her hair caressing her face with my other hand. She gently bit my lip and I softly bit hers. This seemed to throw her into an even wilder frenzy. Finally, we were lost in a tidal wave of heated passion and emotions, lust and fire, as we kissed harder and deeper.
I pulled her closer and lifted her up on top of me. I felt her hips and groin pressing and grinding against my rapidly growing hardness. I ran my hands and fingers up and down her tight, firm body. Her breasts felt so sexy and firm underneath her shirt while her nipples quickly hardened.
I stood to my feet, lifting her with me as she firmly wrapped her legs around my waist, taking hold of my body with her thighs like her life depended on it. I was getting so hard it was almost bursting through my jeans as we continued to kiss.
Alex slid her legs and feet back onto the floor. She started decorating my throat and neck with more delicate, little kisses as I moved my hands down towards the buttons of her jeans, dreading the moment she would push me away and bring this uncontrollable, animal passion to an end with protests of 'We can't do this' and 'It's way too soon.’ But she didn't stop my wandering hands in the least.
Even when I slid my hand inside her jeans and panties, placing my wandering fingers upon her delicious wet patch. I was offered no resistance whatsoever, only moans of insatiable pleasure and lust as she wriggled herself closer and closer against me in the middle of the living room.
Soon, she was grinding and thrusting her groin harder and more excitedly against the palm of my hand as my thumb gently rubbed her clit and the entire length of my index finger swirled around and around inside her in a satisfying rhythm. Every now and then she began pushing herself away from me for some reason, trying to resist the overwhelming pleasure, desperately trying to gather and clutch her lost composure. Yet she clawed her hands around my neck as her fingernails scratched the skin and a look of great, sexual intensity swelled all over her face.
And then she was all over me again. I could clearly see her body wanted me more than ever, but Jesus Christ, she was in such a constant state of twists and turns. An emotional battle was taking place—against her logical mind that tells her not to give into her basic, animal, sexual needs, lust, and desires.
“Maybe I should take you home,” I whispered into her ear, but knowing full well she wasn't going anywhere. She groaned her reply, lost in a sea of pleasure.
I continued with my finger still exploring deep inside her. She was so incredibly tight.
“Maybe,” she softly replied. She pulled herself into me again and held me close while rubbing and grinding harder against my body.
“I want to be inside you so bad right now,” I breathed.
She was swaying almost trance-like in my arms. I could feel her orgasm building and swelling from within, from deep, deep inside, waiting to burst. Why was she still fighting it? Still refusing to give in to her animal instincts?
I could feel the muscles of her wetness clamping my finger down more firmly and swelling inside, ready for the spasm as my thumb continued to gently circle her sweet spot. She was going to release soon. I moved my lips to hers, sharing the beautiful moment with another kiss.
“Maybe I should take you home now?” I whispered again, pulling away. I was prepared to stop this lustful dance of pleasure instantly if that was what she truly wanted.
“Maybe...” she replied again in a whispered gasp.
She continued to wriggle and grind her wet labia against soaked palm. She was ready. Hell, she was more than ready. I quickened the pace of my swirling finger against that swelling spot inside. Her orgasm was intense. More warm and delicious juices spilled onto my fingers and palm. She held tightly onto me, hugging for dear life. She pressed her groin harder against me with an untamed and insatiable lust. Her exhausted, climaxing moans of intense pleasure resonated in my ears.
Standing completely still, we held each other for a long time. My palm still cupped over her wetness and only our synchronized breathing could be heard in the air around us. I began to gently move my finger inside her once again, restarting the process and reigniting her fire. Like before, her soft, lush moans began to build up and spill into my ears.
Finally, I slid my finger all the way out before pulling the rest of my hand from her jeans. Her eyes lit up as that of a wild she-wolf caught in the dark shadows by the bright rays of a full moon.
Firmly and without words, I took her by the hand and led her out of the living room and towards the direction of the bedroom. Once inside, I pushed her up against the wall. I closed the door firmly shut with one hand while fast and furiously unbuttoning the rest of her jeans and pulling them down towards her thighs. She moaned softly as her own hands began helping mine to pull her jeans further down her smooth legs. I yanked up her silk blouse by the hem and up over her head to reveal her soft, beautiful, firm breasts still hidden behind a red satin bra. I tugged the bra harshly and impatiently up towards her neck, spilling her wonderful, small bosoms and finally revealing those erect nipples which have been visibly upturned beneath her top, teasing me throughout the entire day.
Instantly I put my lips, mouth, tongue, and teeth on those sweet-tasting nipples. Sucking, licking, biting, and tasting them all at once, sending her into an even higher, tumultuous state of ecstasy. She started tugging impatiently at my shirt. I continued to suck and bite at her hardened breast peaks as I helped her tear my shirt off as quickly as I possibly could. She pulled at my belt and jeans with one hand while feeling along the length of my still-hidden hardness with the other. A hardness that tried desperately to stand to attention as he burst his way through the zipper.
In a flash, I helped her with the belt and buttons. In another few seconds, she'd tugged my trousers down around my ankles while I continued tugging at hers. Finally, I kicked them away with a few strong shakes of my feet while as she did hers. I then picked her up in my arms. She was still wearing her half-torn and out-of-place bra and panties, which made her look even more deliciously ravishing. She wrapped her smooth legs around my waist and my hardness became stuck on the upper side of her groin, squeezed uncomfortably between her pubic bone and my belly button.
I winced a little at the discomfort and she smiled sympathetically as I lifted her up a little higher. From here she took over and placed her hand down and underneath her thighs and buttocks. She grasped a hold of my hardness and guided it, awkwardly at first, into her tight wetness like it was the perfect fit and always meant to be.
We both moaned in great pleasure as I slid into her. We were sooner connected deep inside and united as one.
Up against the wall and with her legs wrapped even tighter around my waist, I slowly pounded into her with an unpredictable rhythm and force that drove her crazy. Fast, deep strokes followed teasing, gentle, shallow ones that had the tip of my hardness brushing against the roof of her moist opening. Then back to long, deep, circular strokes again as I ground with my hips.
I felt like one of those Olympic fencers fighting for a place on the medal podium. For a few long moments, I stood there completely still and rooted to the spot. Holding her up with only the strength of my thighs and letting her slide up and down upon me, free as a bird and at her own will and pace. After a minute, she came hard again.
When we both caught our breaths, I carried her over to my bed, throwing us both down onto the soft, silk-covered mattress. Her eyes lit up with great wild fire as I lightly bit down on her breasts and continued to make rough, passionate, ravaging love to her.