Stuart

The silver axe head splits through the pine with a satisfying CHOP! Two split-yellow pieces fall on each side of the large chopping block, and I straighten, evaluating the pile of wood stacked under an eave at the side of the house. It’s at least three or four cords, a good start on the winter, and the muscles in my arms and upper body are proof of how hard I’ve worked this last month.

Starting with the tack, I cleaned and oiled all the leather and polished the metal, dragged and watered the outdoor arena, cleaned and scrubbed all the water troughs, replaced the rotting boards along the outside of the barn, picked up enough feed and lime to last through the winter, unloaded and stored it all, laundered the blankets and saddle pads, swept the aisles, and changed out the hay in the loft. Then I trimmed all the horses’ hooves and had them reshod, rubbed them all down and checked for lumps or any signs of infection, de-wormed them, and called out the vet to have them vaccinated and their teeth checked.

Working with Ron, we emptied all the stalls, cleaned them, and changed out the hay…

All except one, which Ron handled by himself. He actually had it done before I arrived in the barn that morning. We never discussed it.

Ron and I never speak about that day in the barn, and as far as I know, no one has seen any signs of the little horse that ran away since then. I work my ass off every waking moment trying to forget. When I finish one thing, I find something new. I do more and more and more, but nothing takes away the memories. I dream of Mariska every night, and I ache for her every day. The hole in my chest where she belongs refuses to be filled no matter how punishing the tasks. Everywhere I look I see her face or I find something that reminds me of her. The scent of jasmine almost rips me apart.

I have to accept it. This pain will be with me to the end. As I drag a heavy tree limb across the yard, I think of my mother’s words. Maintaining this ranch is a fucking shit-ton of work. It’s too much for Bill at his age, even with Ron’s help. I pick up the axe and slam it down with a hard chunk into the block. Then I do it again. The ache of longing in my stomach is fierce today. I miss Mariska so much it hurts. Lifting the axe, I carry it to where the tree is lying. I’ll cut it up, and I’ll be finished with the wood. After that, I haven’t decided.

A while later I’m done. My muscles are loose with exhaustion, and I’m thirsty. My boots thump on the wooden slats as I cross the porch. Bill is inside talking to Winona, planning her monthly trip to the store. I give them a nod as I go to the fridge and grab a bottle of water. My sister returned to Chicago a while back, right after… My mom flew back last week. It’s only Bill and me here now, besides Ron and Winona.

“Finished with the wood?” Bill grins at me.

“For today,” I say. “You’ve got about half what you’ll need to get through the winter at this point.”

“I don’t need any of it, truth be told.” He goes to the fireplace and leans his elbow against the hearth. “The heater does all the work. Fire’s just for show.”

“Still, you like having one.” Even though I’ve decided not to stay, I don’t want Bill out there hauling limbs and chopping firewood.

“You’re a mess,” he laughs, and I look down at my sweaty tee covered in flecks of wood. “Get cleaned up, and we can go into town for dinner. I gave Winona the night off.”

Nodding, I head to my room to shower and change into something clean. It’s been a month since my life went to shit. I confess, I stopped caring at that point. If it weren’t for Bill holding the reins, I’d probably be off in the cabin a drunken asshat right now, but my uncle won’t tolerate such behavior. So instead I’ve spent the last four weeks on as much grueling manual labor as possible.

As a result, my body is one lean strip of muscle. My hair is too long, and my beard is fucking Grizzly Adams. I couldn’t care less. There isn’t a person in this world I’m worried about impressing. Correction: The only person I care about is long gone.

Stepping out of the shower, I rub the fluffy white towel over my body. My uncle is an interesting contradiction. He’s all hippie and one with nature, but this house is as five-star as it comes. The bedding is Egyptian cotton, eight hundred-thread count. The towels are the softest terry. I guess it’s for my mother or maybe being a hippie doesn’t always mean sleeping with five other people in a tent. Either way, I’m not complaining.

I moved my things to a bedroom on the same side of the house as Bill after my mother left. I couldn’t take the pain anymore of walking into the bedroom I’d shared with Mariska and seeing the gaping holes where her stuff used to be.

Stepping into faded jeans, I pull out that grey Henley she stole from me last year. I found it in her luggage and thought it would be funny when she saw me wearing it. It was. Then when she left me and left it behind, it was like being kicked in a gunshot wound over and over and over then dunked in acid. I’m a fucking masochist that I haven’t thrown it away, or better still, burned it, but it reminds me of her.

“Ready?” Bill only glances at me from the newspaper spread on the counter. He still reads the newspaper.

“Sure,” I say. I’m still not much for long conversations.

He drives us to Bert & Ernie’s, the restaurant we visited with Evan and his boys. I guess the name’s supposed to be funny. We find a seat at a booth in the back, and a little strawberry-blonde waitress takes our drink orders. I have a beer; Bill has a Pepsi.

“You’ve been working hard,” he says, sliding a finger down the side of his glass. “Come to any conclusions?”

“Nothing I didn’t already know.” He knows why I’ve been working so hard.

He also knows it isn’t working. My mind drifts to my nightly ritual. Every night after dinner, once Bill retires to his suite, I walk the short distance to the little thicket behind the trees. I sit beside the grave under a sky filled with stars. The small headstone my sister ordered is there now, and I trace my finger over the name engraved on it, Jessica Renee Heron-Knight.

Every night I do it, and every time it’s another kick to my bleeding chest wound. Every time I relive the moment I lost her. Sometimes I stay there all night and dream of Mariska. I touch her silky hair, and her floral dresses and jasmine scent surround me. I miss everything about her. The pain is like a broken bone, jagged and puncturing the skin. Still I go back. Every night.

My uncle is talking, but I’ve missed the question. Now he only looks at me, that calm expression on his face. “Given any more thought about taking over the place?”

“Yes.” I study the pint glass in front of me and tell him the truth. “When I came back from the hospital that day, I wanted to get as far from here as possible. I hated this place.” Leaning back, I meet his eyes. “Now, I think it’s the only place I belong.”

In addition to suffering, as I’ve worked I’ve begun to see a life where I stay out here, work hard, and live alone. It’s a variation of my original plan. Before my injury, I thought I’d spend the rest of my life in the service in the desert. An IED ended that dream. Now I’ve found a new one.

“I told you once before, take as long as you need. I’m in no hurry.”

“Aren’t you, though?” I think about him and my mom, their age, and their situation.

He shifts in his seat. “Given any more thought about going to get Mariska?”

Every day when I’m working. Every night when I’m at our baby’s grave. Before I can answer the waitress returns to take our order.

“What’ll you two ole cowpokes have?” Her voice is bubbly and light, and I glance up to see her blue eyes twinkling. Her hair is tied up in a high ponytail and a few pieces curl around her cheeks. She’s wearing a tight white T-shirt that has “Try a Pork Slammie” printed across her pushed-up breasts.

“A Pork Slammie,” my uncle reads, thinking. “Tell you what, Josie, I’ve been dreaming about that Hades Burger since the last time I was in here.”

“It really stays with you,” she nods, giving my uncle a wink. “Especially the next day.”

Bill laughs, and she turns to me. “How about you, handsome?”

I order the Pishkin Burger giving her barely a glance, and she does a little hip swish as she turns and walks away. She’s a cute girl with a nice rack, and her flirtations remind me of a time when I didn’t believe in the kind of love I had with Mariska. Back then I’d have taken her home, used her for my purposes, and walked away without looking back. Now the idea of that kind of life leaves me cold.

My uncle doesn’t miss a thing. “It’s not good for you to be alone. I’m sure that little girl misses you.”

Images of the last time I saw Mariska fill my mind. Her injuries were covered and healing, but she pulled away as if to protect herself from me. It hurt so fucking much.

“I don’t know what to say to her,” I confess. “When it all happened, I thought I knew, but now after all this time… I feel like I’ve lost everything.”

“You haven’t lost anything. Go claim what’s yours.”

Shaking my head. “It’s not that easy anymore. It’s all spoiled.”

My eyes are on my beer, and I wish it were a whiskey. All this talk has me wanting to return to the cabin, spend a night killing the pain with hard liquor.

“Just because things change doesn’t mean they’re spoiled. It means you have to learn to change with it, together.” I want to argue with him. He didn’t see her face, but he doesn’t give me the chance. “Your old man was the same way. He thought he had to be strong in order to give strength, in order to help others. It’s not the case. You grow stronger by giving when you have nothing left to give. You grow together.”

I wonder if he’s speaking from experience. The waitress is back with a busboy, setting plates of burgers in front of each of us and an order of poutine in the center of the table. She gives me another little wink, but I look away.

Bill keeps going. “I told you before. You’re not your father. You’re all you, and the choices you make now are yours.” He takes a moment, tilts his Pepsi to the side, and adds, “In the same way, Mariska’s not your mom. I might be overstepping, but I think you need to hear this. In all their time together, I never once saw your parents share what you and Mariska have.”

His words twist the cramp in my stomach, and I lean forward on my elbow, rubbing the back of my neck. “It’s too late. I’ve lost her.”

“Do you believe in the love you shared?”

“Of course.” It was the happiest time of my life. Mariska healed my body, and she filled the emptiness in my chest—the same emptiness that aches for her now.

“Then it’s never too late.”

Somehow his words form the combination I need. My choices are mine. It’s never too late. Believe… Lifting my chin, I meet his leveled gaze.

He gives me a nod. “Man up and go get her.”

The pain slips as the faintest spark of possibility takes hold. I lower my elbow and sit straighter, knowing what I have to do.

“I’ll finish up the rest of the chores this week, then I’m going back to Princeton.”

Bill smiles and takes a bite of his jalapeño burger. “That sounds like a good plan.”

---

Mariska

My eyes are swollen and heavy the next morning. I roll onto my side, and cool air sweeps across my shoulders. I don’t want to look at what I’ve done. I stretch across my bed, grab my phone, and punch up Kenny’s number. She answers on the third ring.

“What’s up?” Her voice is thick with sleep, and I check the time.

“It’s after nine, did I wake you?”

She makes a loud noise like she’s stretching. “It’s Saturday. Why do I have to be awake by nine?”

“You’re not working today?” Hope rises in my chest. “I need your help.”

By ten, I’m at her apartment dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved black tee. “I tried to cut it myself, but I kind of butchered it.”

I leave off the part where I then had an emotional meltdown. My arms and legs feel weak like I did a strenuous workout, but at least my eyes are less puffy.

She frowns and holds up the ends of my hair. “It looks like you sawed it off with broken glass.”

“My scissors are dull.” Lowering my chin, I wish I’d left a few extra inches to cover my face.

Kenny drops onto the chair in front of me, her blue eyes drilling into mine. “When are you going to tell me what happened? I’ve been waiting and waiting, but my patience is up.”

Slayde is in Princeton, so it’s only the two of us in the apartment. With a deep breath, I decide I’m too tired to carry this burden any longer.

“I was pregnant.” The words squeeze at my heart, wringing out all the pain fresh and hot.

Her eyes widen, filling with tears. “Was? As in… past tense?”

I blink down, and a tear falls onto my cheek. I wipe it away quickly.

“Oh, god, Mariska.” In one swift move, we’re in a hug.

I press my forehead against her shoulder, and for a little while we inhale shaky breaths as tears coat our faces. My chest rises and falls, and I shudder as the pain drains out. She gives me a squeeze then sits back, wiping her cheeks with her hands.

“I don’t know what to say.” She reaches forward and holds my hands. “What happened? Why didn’t I know?”

As I recount those weeks at the ranch, she stands and goes behind me, using her shears to shape up my hair. I tell her about the doctor’s visits and the happy times, and then the horrible way it all ended.

“I don’t understand,” she says, setting down the scissors and picking up the blow drier. “Stuart didn’t say anything? He just let you leave?”

“I didn’t ask for permission. He was gone, so I packed my stuff and bought a plane ticket.”

“So you’re not broken up? You never talked about it?”

“I left my engagement ring behind.”

Our eyes meet, and she nods. Then she turns on the dryer, and for several minutes we don’t speak as she pulls the waves out of my hair with a round brush. When she’s finished, she hands me a mirror.

Gazing at my new look, I decide it feels right for who I am now. It’s straight and falls just below my chin. In my black tee and jeans, I don’t look like a lost boho-goth chick. I look like a focused career woman in control of her life. It’s not true, but it’s a first step.

My friend studies my reaction. “What now?”

“Now we go shopping,” I say with a nod. “I need new clothes.”

Her slim brows clutch, but she picks up the keys. “I’ll drive.”

We spend the rest of the day at the mall. I buy slim-cut khaki pants and a short-sleeved cotton blouse. I pick up another pair of jeans that are tapered at the ankles and tan heels. A few off-brand polos, a black cardigan, and a boxy purse complete the look. At my apartment are canvas sneakers and black ankle boots I can continue to wear.

“Everything else can be bagged up and donated to Goodwill,” I say, pulling floral tunics and handkerchief skirts off hangers and tossing them into a pile in the center of my bedroom floor.

“You’ve been through a lot.” Kenny sits on the bed eating my leftover Pad Thai. I didn’t eat another bite after last night’s painful discovery. “Maybe you should wait a month or so before you trash it all?”

“I don’t feel comfortable in these clothes anymore. They’re not who I am.”

“Are you still going to find that recipe for Matcha tea smoothies for me?” She picks up the brown journal I left on the floor and opens it.

I’m not paying attention to what she’s doing as I evaluate a black bodysuit. “I’ll keep this. I can wear it with jeans under a blazer.

“Mare?” My best friend’s voice is shaky. “What is this book?”

Realizing what she’s holding, I jump forward and snatch my grandmother’s journal out of her hand. “What are you DOING?”

She blinks fast, and the carton of food is placed on my dresser. “I’m sorry! I thought it was one of your recipe books! I didn’t mean to—”

“You had no right!” My hands tremble as I turn my back to her and throw the journal in that box as hard as I can.

“Is this why…” Her voice is tentative. “Is this why you wanted to cut your hair? Is this why you’re giving all your stuff away?”

“You need to leave. NOW!”

“Mariska!” A swirl of warmth, and she throws her arms around mine, holding me tight. “I’m your best friend. I’m not going anywhere! You’ve got to tell me what this is about!”

My shoulders collapse as my whole body shakes. Dropping down onto the bed, I put my forehead in my hands. “I don’t know,” I cry, breaking down.

I can’t shout at Kenny. I can’t throw her out. I need help.

“I don’t know anything,” I shudder, wiping my face, feeling more lost than ever. “I found that journal and a medical chart in Yaya’s things. I’ve never heard this story before.”

Kenny goes to the box and takes out the book, carrying it to the bed where she sits facing me. “You’ve never seen this?”

“It’s been here all the time, but I guess I never dug that deep.”

Her eyes move to the book again, and she hesitates several moments before continuing. “I’ve heard of things like this—viruses causing symptoms that mimic mental illness.”

“It doesn’t sound like there was any mimicking. It sounds like I had it. Or have it.”

The journal is between us on the bed. Her red lips press together, and she pushes both sides of her hair back at once, the classic Kenny sign of frustration. “Well, you don’t have it now!”

“Don’t I?”

“NO!” Blue fire is in her eyes, and she stares at me with such determination, I almost believe her.

Instead, I shake my head. I remember my dreams. “I have to find this Doctor Endicott and get the whole story. I don’t want a ticking time bomb in my head. I don’t want to go along thinking I’m fine when I’m not.” Inhaling a shaky breath, I speak the horrible truth that drifted through my mind as I sat on the floor with my butchered hair… “It’s probably best I lost the baby. If I’d had post-partum I might have done something. I might have… Oh, god—”

“STOP!” She’s on her knees now, holding my hands. “You would not have done anything! You would have been the best mother.” Pulling me to her chest, we hug each other as my fear returns. “You’ve had a traumatic experience, and you’re grieving. This journal is scary, but it is not you. We’re starting grad school in a few weeks, and we’re going to do what we always said we would. We’re going to get our degrees, and we’re going to get teaching jobs at the same school.”

“Maybe,” I say softly. I can go back to school, and I can continue working. I can get my degree and my teaching certificate, but I can’t go back to how I was without answers. I can’t risk having a family. That part hurts me the most.

Her phone buzzes with a text, and she picks it up. “Slayde,” she says, touching the screen. “Do you want me to spend the night? We both have to work tomorrow.”

Shaking my head. “I’ve managed to hold it together this far. I’ll be okay. I don’t want Slayde mad at me.”

Her blue eyes narrow, and she stands. “No more haircuts. Call me first.”

“Okay,” I say, watching her pull on a black hoodie. “I’ll eat something, read a book, and go to bed. No haircuts.”

She nods and steps forward to hug me. “I’ll ask Slayde to track down this Doctor Endicott. If the guy was in Bayville, it shouldn’t be too hard to find him.”

“Just don’t… please don’t tell him what it’s about.”

Her blue eyes fill with emotion. “Oh, Mare.” Our hands are clasped, and she gives mine a squeeze. “You forget. I knew your grandmother. I know how much she loved you. She was certain you had a gift.” Releasing my hands, I follow her to the door as she continues. “And why not? You were right about Slayde. You were right about Stuart. You’re sensitive to people’s needs. Is that too much to believe?”

Stuart… Speaking from my heart, I say the thoughts that have been swirling in my head since I returned from Montana. “I’m not sure what I believe.”