Chapter Thirteen
The car ride back to Avery’s was filled mostly with off-key renditions of Katy Perry songs. At least, it was for her. Holden stayed firmly in his seat, staring blankly out the windshield and refusing to sing along, even when she held out her imaginary microphone for him to join in.
After a while, though, she stopped trying. She stopped singing. She just joined him, staring out the window and wondering what exactly it was that she’d done wrong. It was true that she hadn’t exactly been on her best behavior, but she’d definitely done as well as she could in the situation. It wasn’t as though his parents had said anything. In fact, by the end of the meal, they both seemed to have opted out of talking at all.
So why then was Holden acting like she’d gone in with guns blazing, ruining everything in her path?
She turned up the radio and started to hum again, but just as quickly, Holden pressed down the dial and turned to her. The silence set in quickly and completely, and for once in the history of San Diego, there wasn’t even another car on the road to distract them. It was just the two of them, and the bone-crushing awareness that he could see straight into her soul.
“I want to talk to you about the rules of our arrangement,” he said.
She gripped her seat belt harder. Here it was. He was going to end it.
It was inevitable.
But she couldn’t do it. Not while he was there to see her cry. She just had to divert the conversation, convince him to save it until later. When she’d be ready.
She cleared her throat. “You know, I’m really tired. We should probably—”
“Avery. Don’t do this.”
“Do what? I’m just—” She didn’t know what she was just doing, didn’t even have the chance to make it up, because just as quickly, Holden was speaking again.
“I want to be serious with you. I want you to be my girlfriend.”
The engine in her heart died.
It kept trying to turn, it made all those stupid noises, but over and over again, it stalled. Couldn’t they just put this in reverse? Couldn’t he stop, maybe only for a second, and try that over again? Couldn’t he say something less…less horribly arrangement ending?
Anything, anything else.
She’d known this was coming. She could taste it in every kiss. And still, she’d hoped against hope that he wouldn’t go make some speech or declaration. It was bound to ruin everything, and it was so incredibly stupid of him to want to put all his eggs in her rickety, broke-ass basket.
Not because she didn’t want them there.
But because she’d love every freaking egg to death, and then one day, he was sure to look down and wonder how she’d broken them all.
And then he’d try to figure out why he’d ever put them there to begin with.
“Avery, I know you heard me.”
She glanced at him quickly before turning her gaze back to the road and thinking over what she wanted to say—and what she definitely didn’t want to say. She’d done a thousand different things with him, followed him wherever he wanted to go, and still, she’d never felt more vulnerable…more naked.
“Yeah, I heard you.” She paused. “But I don’t think you wanted me to.”
“I want you to know.” There was a pleading edge to his voice that she hated, but she pressed on, willing herself to ignore the pang of sympathy in her chest.
“I know. I’ve known. This…this wasn’t part of the deal.”
“The deal is stupid,” he said.
She gritted her teeth. “The deal is solid. It’s what keeps this going. Do you think you’d still fly out to California to see me if we weren’t doing this? You really think we wouldn’t have felt pressure to get serious or, or I don’t know…” She guided the car into a parking space just behind her apartment complex as the rain began to fall. “Without our deal, I would be out here taking pictures and you’d be saving the world, who knows where. Don’t you understand? This is what keeps our friendship going. This weird thing we do.”
“So why does being together for real make it different?”
“I should ask you the same question.” She opened the car door, intending to make her way across the lot. But his hard palm pressed to her bicep, forcing her to spin around and stare into his beautiful, dark eyes. He looked too sincere. So hopeful.
Which, of course, only made everything that much worse.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“So, you call me your girlfriend. What then? You want me to wait for you? How would that be any different from what we’re doing now—except, of course, by adding more pressure?” Panic, sharp and fast, was rising in her throat. Tears pricked the back of her eyes, and she reached desperately for anything to get him to stop talking.
She could make up a thousand excuses before she ever had to give him a real answer. Because if she told him what was really on her mind, he would never understand. And even if he thought he did, he would insist she wasn’t right. He’d say that she was the only woman he wanted, or that she was more than good enough.
And maybe he did feel that way now.
But what happened when more of his friends had kids? What happened when she still couldn’t be what he wanted five years down the road? Or if something happened to him and she didn’t know what to do? What happened at their wedding when he had to introduce his wife’s trailer-trash family to the upper crust of society? What happened when he had to share their relationship with his disappointed parents?
By then, she would be in too deep.
Then, she would become her own mother, giving up everything to chase after a guy. She’d lose everything—Myla, her career. Then, eventually, she’d lose Holden, too.
Holden shook his head, then took each of her arms in his hands and tried to pull her to him, but she slipped away.
“Avery, what are you doing?”
“Going home.”
“Talk to me,” he insisted.
“No.”
“Why not?” he called after her.
Then it was all too much. The swell of emotion took over, hard and fast, and she was caught in the undertow.
“Because you’re throwing darts at us.” It was all she could do not to sob.
“There is no us,” he called back.
She sputtered, trying to form a retort, but nothing came. He was right. They were nothing, and that’s what she’d asked for. That’s what she’d said she wanted all along. She wasn’t making sense.
But this was a war zone. And she wasn’t about to go down with her ship.
She made her way up to the apartment, Holden following her the whole way. When she finally reached the front door, she turned around to face him again. “Thanks for letting me know how you feel. But tell me one thing. It’s been years, years that we’ve been doing this. Why do you want to change things now?”
“I…” He paused. “I needed you to know.”
Of all the men she’d seen come and go in her life, both with her mother and with Myla, they’d all had one thing in common—one single, unifying feature.
When they lied, there was always the slightest pause before they spoke. Their answer always took a fraction too long. And it was always directly to the other person’s face.
Exactly the way Holden had just done.
“Okay, well, good talk. I’m really glad we’ve got this all out in the open.” She took a deep breath before flouncing into her room and grabbing the nearest blanket. She tossed it onto the couch.
“I know you don’t mind the couch. It’s been a while since you got here, so I figure it won’t bother you to stay there tonight.”
She tried to weigh the words, to stop the gears in her head from grinding so furiously against each other. But she had nothing. She didn’t even know what she was saying anymore. Why had she opened her mouth? Why hadn’t she just gone to bed?
Now there was this oozing silence between them that stuck to her skin and made her insides itch. One thing was for sure, though—she wouldn’t be able to sleep here. She wouldn’t be able to handle it, knowing he was sitting in her living room, wondering how he could change her mind.
She needed to leave. For him. And herself.
“Actually, you know, I haven’t seen Myla in a while. I’m going to go visit her.” Her voice broke. Damn.
“Avery, don’t cry.”
“I’m not. The air is…thick in here.” She grabbed a T-shirt and jeans off the floor and pulled them on.
The whole thing was so unfair.
He reached out to her, but she ducked under him. “I need some space, I think.” Her hand was on the door. “I’ll be back in the morning.”
He opened his mouth, but she turned the knob and disappeared. She knew he wouldn’t chase after her now. No matter how much she might want him to.
…
Myla opened her door with a frilly blindfold still partially obscuring her eyes. Her dark curls were a nest of chaos, weirdly in contrast to her rose-colored Pretty Pretty Princess nightgown.
“Avery, of course. Who else would show up at my door after midnight?” Then she seemed to look closer and pulled her sleep mask off. Her face contorted into confusion mingled with horror.
The crying. She’s never seen me cry. That must be it.
“Avery? Come in. Come in.”
Damn, I must really look rough.
She sniffled and followed her friend inside the immaculate house. She settled on the white sofa despite the certainty that she would stain the thing simply by sitting down on it. But at the moment, she had bigger concerns.
She explained to Myla what had happened without too much lead-up. There was no point wasting their valuable time with the soft fuzzies.
“I’m so sorry everything went down like that.” Myla rubbed Avery’s forearm. “But I’m still not really sure what you wanted to happen here.” She paused and Avery cringed, knowing what she was bound to say next.
“You can’t keep doing this. You need to end it.”
And there it was.
“I-I…” Avery mumbled, but she wasn’t really sure what to say. How could she explain her biggest fear to someone who thought she was basically fearless?
“I see you when he leaves. You’re not the same person. You drift around, waiting for him to call. You don’t live your life because you’re waiting for him. So, either go after what you want, or give it up and find something else to live for.”
“Listen, Dr. Phil, could you tone it down for a minute? I…” She took a deep breath. It was finally time to say it out loud. “He’s my best friend. The best person I know. I-I know that I can’t be with him. I’m not good enough. Not for him.” Her voice broke on the final word, and her cheeks burned.
Myla frowned. “What do you mean?”
“He’s…Holden’s special. He needs someone who can support him while he runs for president or whatever. I can’t even support me while I pour a bowl of cereal.”
“Oh, sweetie, we both know you don’t have cereal in that hovel you call an apartment.” Myla smiled, and though Avery tried to respond in kind, it was too much.
“Be that as it may, I’m not for him. He should know that. Besides, his family hates me. It’s a match made in postapocalyptic New Jersey. It’s the worst thing imaginable. And I would ruin his life.”
“But he wants you? He wants to be with you?”
Avery closed her eyes and shook her head. “He wants to ruin it.”
“Sweetie, don’t you think it was already ruined?”
“If you call me sweetie again, I’ll start hiding inappropriate pictures of myself around your house.” She leveled her friend with her most menacing look.
Myla gulped. “All right then, but either way, I think this was doomed from the start. This is your chance to make it right.”
“By putting an end to everything?” Avery asked
“By doing whatever you think will make you happy.”
The clicking of a door opening sounded behind them, and Myla’s boyfriend, Oliver, entered the room, wearing nothing but a Stetson and a pair of underwear she would have paid to un-see.
“I heard you were up, and I thought—” Oliver’s British lilt died off as he spied Avery beside Myla on the couch. “Avery.”
“Howdy, partner,” Avery said.
“Yeah, um, hon, I’ll be right there,” Myla sputtered.
“Right then. Well, er, nice to see you again, Avery.” He tipped his Stetson and backed out of the room, careful not to turn around.
“Man, I could have made some serious tabloid money off that.” Avery shook her head.
Myla waved her off, but it wasn’t clear whether it was to help her ignore her embarrassment or if she was trying to get back to the matter at hand.
“Listen, are you okay?” Myla stared at her, trying to uncover the truth in her words.
Maybe if Avery went to bed, she’d find out it had been Freaky Friday and everything would be normal in the morning. Like nothing had ever happened.
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t worry about me. You go in there and ride ’em, cowgirl.” As Myla stood to leave, Avery smacked her friend on the bottom and gave her an enthusiastic thumbs-up.
“Let’s never speak of this again,” Myla whispered.
“But how will people at the rodeo know you’re coming if I don’t tell them ahead of time? Or will they already know you’re coming, if you know what I mean?” Avery wiggled her eyebrows, and Myla frowned.
“Oh, stop it, he was, you know, kidding.” Myla paused. “Mostly.”
“He didn’t look like there was much to kid about. It looked like he had a whole lot of—”
“The blankets are in the basket behind the couch. Stay if you want to. Good night.” Myla stalked from the room, only pausing to toss a throw pillow at Avery’s head before she disappeared behind the bedroom door.
Avery sighed and laid on the couch, thinking about the day to follow. She’d see Holden in the morning, have to face the aftermath of everything he’d said, everything she’d said.
But what would she do when she saw him? She couldn’t simply walk up and say, “Just kidding, we should totally give this a go even though we both know it’s a terrible idea.”
Was that even what she wanted to do?
It’s either that or say good-bye forever.
Now that it was said, it couldn’t be undone. They could never go back to the way things were before tonight. Still, there had to be more than just one option, didn’t there? There had to be another way, but God help her if any ideas came to mind.
It was too appealing to think of being his woman and not consider the heartbreaking consequences of the aftermath. But what if she tried? What if she actually put her all into being someone’s girlfriend?
Granted, it had never worked before. Not with Jake Mussler, the top Pokémon collector in all of the third grade. Not with the maharajah. Not with Eleven-finger Louie. Most of those had ended in near death or a grueling Pokémon battle defeat.
But at this point, their friendship could never survive—one way or the other. And if it was a choice between losing him forever now or losing him forever later?
She’d just have to do whatever she could to hold on to him for as long as she possibly could.