Chapter Eighteen
Avery’s apartment was now, officially, the headquarters of Breakups Anonymous.
Not that she had technically broken up with Holden. Or that they’d had much of a relationship to break up in the first place.
Still, between her and Myla, they’d stockpiled enough ice cream to build an igloo and had watched enough bad daytime talk shows to spot whether or not the guy was the baby daddy from a mile away.
It had been three days since Holden left, and in the interim, Myla had been staying on her couch, too sick of her swanky Upper-East-Side home to dare go back and pack up her things yet. Oliver had called her every day, but she hadn’t bothered to respond. She already knew the truth of what the media had to say—she didn’t need to hear it from him, too.
As for Avery, she’d stuck to curling up with Rodrigo and petting his fur while desperately trying not to remember the day Holden had given him to her.
Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore. She sat up on the couch, Rodrigo still firmly curled into a ball on her lap, and asked, “Who gets someone a cat?”
Myla looked up from her position on the floor and then grabbed the remote and paused the TV show in progress, mid lie-detector results. “What?”
“Holden. He got me this cat.” She looked down at Rodrigo, and her heart flipped over in her chest.
“Okay. I’m following you so far.”
“So, I’m just saying…why? Who gets somebody a cat?”
“Ummm, I don’t know.” Myla scratched her wild mane of hair, her eyebrows knitting together. “Don’t you like cats?”
“I love cats. Now, at least. But I was never like, you know, I wish I had a cat.”
“Do you…not want the cat now?”
“No. I want the cat. You’re just…” She huffed out a breath. “I love my cat. What I’m trying to figure out is why he’d give me a cat in the first place? Now, you know, I’m stuck with this cat that I love and that reminds me of him.”
“Oh.” Myla nodded. “I see.”
“What? What do you see?” Rodrigo jumped from her lap and followed Myla as she made her way into the kitchen and grabbed two pints of ice cream from the freezer. For herself, she got mint chocolate chip. Then, as she made her way toward Avery, she held out a pint of cookie dough and a spoon.
“What?” Avery asked, taking the ice cream all the same.
“Are we finally going to talk about this?” Myla offered her a gentle smile.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you leave my house denying that Holden loves you, and then you come back and say you guys decided it couldn’t work and called it quits. You’ve been basically catatonic for three days. Are you going to finally tell me what happened?”
“There’s not much to tell.” Avery shrugged, then dug in to her ice cream and shoved a spoonful in her mouth. “Look. It’s fine. We decided it couldn’t work out. That’s all.”
“But why?”
“He’s leaving,” Avery said, all too aware of how clipped her voice sounded.
“So what? You always knew he was leaving. You never minded waiting for him before.”
“Look, I know you’re trying to help, but you can save it. I’ve been over all this. It’s done.”
Myla shook her head. “It’s not done. Avery, I love you, but you’re being a real idiot right now. I know what you’re doing.”
“Why does everyone suddenly think they’re an expert on my life?”
“It’s not sudden, and I’m far from being an expert.” Myla squeezed her friend’s shoulder. “But I’ve seen what breakups do to you. I saw the terror in your eyes when I told you Holden loved you. You freaked out and ran away. It’s what you do, but I think Holden is just crazy enough about you to take you back.”
“Myla…just stop. I thought we had a deal.” Avery pointed to her sparkly pink journal. “I wrote in the damn thing, now keep up your end of the bargain. No more talking about Holden.” Her friend meant well, but she didn’t understand. She couldn’t understand.
Because the truth was that she knew—had always known—that Holden loved her, just as deeply and ardently as she loved him. She loved him from the bottom of her soul, not because he was her friend, but because when she thought of how she wanted her life to be, she always found him standing by her side. He made her laugh. He made her weak at the knees.
He made her whole.
But that wasn’t enough. Not for a man like him.
“I can’t do that, not when you’re acting like this. Why can’t you just accept that you love him?” Myla’s words were practically a whisper, and the back of Avery’s throat felt scratchy with unshed tears.
“I know that I love him, but that doesn’t change anything. Can’t you understand? He is destined for greatness. He comes from a whole line of people bred to be the best citizens in the country, made for all the best things life has to offer. From the first time I met him, I knew that I loved him, but I also knew that we were not cut from that same cloth. That I…I was meant for scrapping and clawing and climbing. He deserves a wife he can be proud of. A wife he can take to state dinners, and a woman he can present to his mother without her curling her lip in disgust. I’ll never be that girl. I’m just not built that way.”
“Avery—” Myla tried to cut in, but Avery was tired of people telling her what she already knew. She had to make them understand the truth.
“Even if he doesn’t care about any of that now, he would. I’d be holding him back. And then to make it worse, I wouldn’t be able to take care of him the way he needed to be cared for. I couldn’t—”
“All I hear are excuses,” Myla argued, and Avery closed her mouth with a snap. “You’re scared of trying. This isn’t about you not being worthy, this is about you not being vulnerable. Look, I love you, but you’re a coward. This is what you do whenever something hard happens—you hide and pretend to do something brave. Well skydiving isn’t brave, and throwing parties isn’t brave. Sitting here with me in the middle of your apartment isn’t brave. Going and telling the man you love that you love him, not knowing what will happen, is brave. Trusting that love is going to guide you to happiness? That’s the bravest thing ever.”
“I just…” Avery met her friend’s unwavering gaze for a long moment. “What if he says it’s too late?”
“What if it’s not? There’s only one way to find out.”