IF THERE WAS anything I learned while standing there with Elle, it was that I’d never get tired of hearing her laugh. The soft throaty chuckle that escaped her lips at my words was a sound I was desperate for her to make again.
And again.
And again.
Still standing in the middle of the sidewalk, we both looked around, deciding what to do next. I wasn’t ready to leave her, and it was clear neither of us had the desire to return to McGrady’s. “Do you…” I tossed my thumb over my shoulder, pointing in the direction I’d originally been heading. “Do you want to take a walk?”
She contemplated, only for a moment. “Yeah. I think I do.” She smiled softly and took a couple steps forward, meeting me at my side as we both turned and carried on down the block in unhurried strides.
The gentle breeze blew across our faces, lifting her silky blonde strands from her shoulders and whirling the scent of her perfume through the air, straight to my nose. I closed my eyes, inhaling the sweet smell and losing myself in the unusual comfort it seemed to provide.
“Can I ask you something?” Her voice cut through my Elle-induced haze.
“Go for it. Can’t promise I’ll be an open book.”
“Why do you let him talk to you like that? I don't understand. You give me such a hard time, and from what I’ve seen, you’re not the type of person to be walked over.”
I sighed, knowing my actions toward her had been harsh and unjust. “Elle, I give you a hard time because I want you to succeed. And as far as Lawson is concerned, I don’t expect you to understand. He's been with the company for years. He's good at his job and he—”
“So what? That automatically gives him the right to be a self-absorbed dickhead?”
I held back a laugh, secretly loving the fight she constantly dealt. “It means I don’t have the desire nor the energy to engage in his frivolous antics. And Lord knows I don’t want to waste any more time sitting through another interview.”
“Is that why you hired me? Because you were tired of sitting through interviews?”
“Partially. Yes.” I didn’t elaborate—not right away—and my lack of further explanation caused Elle to stiffen. She folded her arms over her chest as if to protect herself from my words and looked out at the street, watching the cars as they zoomed by. We walked a few more feet in awkward, tension-filled silence, and I stopped, cupping my hand under her elbow and gently turning her toward me. Her chest rose and fell in shallow breaths, and her bright blue eyes were a clouded window of—sadness? Insecurity?
Had I hurt her feelings?
I swallowed around the uncomfortable knot in my throat and stared down at where our bodies were connected, where my fingers lingered on her silken skin. The warmth of it bled into my veins, heating my blood, and I resisted the urge to drag my palms across every smooth inch. “I saw something in you…something I admired.” Licking my lips, I gingerly lifted my gaze. My eyes met hers, and my voice left me on an unsure exhale. “I saw something I knew I’d never see again, and I wasn’t ready to let go of that—let go of you. I wasn’t ready to lose what could possibly be the best thing to ever happen to Caldwell Publishing.”
Elle's body turned rigid.
My admission sounded far more emotional than I intended, but as those thick, full lashes of hers fluttered up in equal parts shock and delight, I didn’t want to take any of it back. Not the way my heart hammered against my ribs or the way her chest stopped mid-rise, her breath catching in her throat. And I sure as hell didn’t want to take back the way she looked at me: as if I’d promised her the entire world and all the miracles that came with it.
God, what I wouldn’t do for a miracle.
Elle’s gaze remained on my face, and my fingers itched with the need to reach up and glide over the apples of her cheeks with the shade of pink that bloomed out of nowhere.
Fuck, she was beautiful.
I opened my mouth to tell her, but the thought never made it off my tongue. Everything vanished into thin air as I watched the only woman to ever own a piece of my heart walk toward us. I hadn't seen Sarah in over a year—four years since our breakup—and while my feelings for her had long since seized, she was a reminder of the life I could have had. It was hard not to look at her and see my past, the regrets that now haunted me. Panic rolled in like a fast-moving tornado as she came closer to where Elle and I stood, and I grabbed Elle’s arm, dragging her a few feet while searching frantically for an open shop to duck into. I didn't want the awkwardness of a run-in, and I certainly didn't want to have to explain who she was and how I knew her.
“Owen, what—”
Shit. Nothing was opened at this time of night, and with no other choice but to remain visible, I spun her around and pressed her back against the nearest building, moving in until our chests were flush and our hips were aligned. My body melded right into her softness, like two puzzle pieces made for a perfect fit, and I rested my forearm above her head against the brick wall. Lowering my chin, I dropped my forehead to hers in order to shield both our faces from any passersby and, hopefully, Sarah.
Elle stared at me, wide-eyed and confused, her voice a breathy whisper. “Wha—what are you doing?”
What was I doing?
My initial intention had been a game of avoidance, but now that my lips hovered above her set of full ones, the warmth of her breath teasing and taunting me, daring me to make a move, my motive changed.
I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to slide my hands through the silky strands of her blonde hair and dip my tongue into that smart, sexy mouth—discover if she tasted as sweet as she smelled. My blood rushed south at the mere thought causing me to harden in my jeans, and judging by the way Elle's mouth parted on a small gasp, she was no stranger to my reaction.
She felt the way she affected me.
Tilting her head back, she glanced up. Our gazes locked. Something that looked a lot like lust swirled behind hers, and I resisted the strong urge to rock my hips into hers. Timidly, she reached out, pressing her palms against my lower torso. The heat of her hands penetrated right through the thin cotton of my shirt, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Elle.”
Jesus.
My voice sounded desperate, and the hand that still rested above her head clenched into a tight fist to control the sudden surge of desire pulsing through me. My entire body was ablaze, the blood in my veins turning to molten lava as her fingers slid beneath the hem of my shirt, their soft tips grazing the sensitive skin on my lower stomach, before gliding along the trail of dark hair that led to the button of my jeans.
Was she aching for me as badly as I was for her?
I opened my eyes to see if I could catch a glimpse of anything she might be feeling, an indication she wanted me to take whatever it was we were doing a step further, and as our gazes reconnected, she let out three small words that froze me in place.
“I saw you.”
I saw you?
My brow twitched in confusion. “What?”
“At Rosie’s. Last night. I saw you come into the diner with the gentleman from the shelter. I watched as you bought him dinner and then gave him money as you walked him out.”
My body, which had been engulfed in flames seconds ago, was now ice cold. I pushed away from the wall, adding a greater amount of distance between myself and the woman I’d been burning for, aching with a painful need to get close to.
My eyes narrowed as I stared at her in disbelief, the muscle along my jaw thrumming in slight irritation. “Were you spying on me?”
"No, Owen." She shook her head, her response spilling from her mouth in a rush. “No. I go there normally on Friday nights, but after work yesterday, I decided to stop in and have dinner. I had no idea you were going to be there.”
An eternity felt like it passed as I stood there, at a loss for words, no longer caring about the possibility of Sarah walking by and seeing us. My brain was too busy trying to process the fact that Elle had seen me, watched me from afar, and hadn't said anything about it.
Is that why today had felt different between us?
After the way I’d treated her yesterday, she gifted me with a kindness I wasn’t expecting. Had that been the reason behind her generous offer of coffee, and the smiles, and—ah, fuck, it was.
An agitated puff of air left my chest, and I looked away, feeling sick. Elle had witnessed a side of me I refused to show anyone else and knowing that she did twisted my insides. My Tuesday evening ritual had been something I kept to myself. Not even Millie knew about my time spent at the homeless shelter or with its residents. It was my own personal slice of—hell, I didn’t even know—redemption, maybe? Perhaps it was my way of giving back to the community, making my life feel like it had meaning, purpose. Whatever the reason, it wasn’t knowledge I wanted shared, especially not with Elle. Questions would be asked, or worse, it’d lead her to believe I was some kind of saving grace, and I wasn’t.
Not at all.
“You know what?” I took a step back and shook my head. This was stupid. Coming out tonight, allowing myself to feel things for this woman, was completely stupid. “Just forget what you saw, okay? It didn’t happen. Last night didn’t happen. This night didn’t happen.” Ignoring the wounded expression on her face, I sighed and turned on my heels. “I’ll see you tomorrow at work.”
And then I walked off.
Leaving her standing there in stunned silence, I told myself it was better this way. I was her boss, for fuck’s sake, and if that wasn’t reason enough to leave her alone, to keep my distance, there were one hundred more waiting to back it up.
I carried on for half a block before the sound of her feet slapping against the concrete followed behind me.
“Why do you do that, huh? Why are you so afraid of letting people see the good in you? You walk around like some miserable prick, barking commands as if your world is ending, and I don't understand why. You’re a good person, Owen.”
I stopped in my tracks and whirled around, her body nearly colliding with mine as we both came to a sudden standstill. “You don’t know me! You don’t know—”
“I know what I saw!” Her tone rivaled mine in depth and intensity, and she moved closer, both of our chests rising and falling in the same unsteady pattern. “And I know what I see, even now as it stands right in front of me.”
And what did she see? A broken man she was desperate to save? If so, I had news for her: there was no saving me. Not unless she was capable of performing a miracle, and I was pretty sure the world was fresh out of those.
I clenched down on my jaw, the vein in my neck thrumming. “When you do good, then people expect it, and I don’t want to have to live up to anyone’s expectations. Not anymore. I’ve spent my entire life so far chasing what I thought were my dreams, making a life for myself that is fit in the eyes of society, and you want to know what I have to show for it? Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing.”
A sense of helplessness and pity appeared in her blue eyes, and I wanted them gone. I didn’t want her feeling any of those things for me.
“You have your entire life ahead of you. It’s okay to feel like you don’t have it all together.”
I laughed a cold, humorless laugh. “Like you?”
Elle’s entire body winced, an immediate frown tugging at the corners of her lips at my response. I closed my eyes, unable to bear her reaction.
My face flooded with hot shame. It was a low blow, one she didn’t deserve. Other than what had been listed on her résumé and the information I’d received from her background check, I didn’t know enough about her to judge her. Even if I did, it wasn’t fair—wasn’t right. We both walked in our own set of shoes, entirely different from each other’s.
Realizing this conversation was over, I turned away from her, again. The damage had been done, and there was no taking it back. Guess it was just one more regret I was adding to the ever-growing pile of “Owen’s fuck-ups.”
Elle didn’t try to stop me this time. She stood, watching as I disappeared down the sidewalk, her heavy gaze weighting every one of my steps.
My heart beat faster as I stepped out of the cab, my hand lingering on the door and my eyes scanning over the brownstone building I’d spent nearly my entire life living in. Not a sliver of light, nor movement, shone through the curtains decorating the large windows, framed in black wrought iron fencing.
Not that I'd thought there would be at this late hour.
It was almost three a.m. and the only signs of life on this street were the glow of the street lamps and the whistle of the breeze as it lifted scattered leaves and debris, blowing it along the sidewalk. When I'd walked away from Elle a little more than five hours ago, I had no desire to return to the quiet emptiness of my condo, so I’d hopped in the first available cab and rode aimlessly around the city.
“Where to?” the driver had asked in his thick Asian accent, as I slid across the broken plastic seat.
“Just drive.”
He didn't argue. He drove around with no real destination and didn’t bother to ask again. The dollar amount on the meter continued to rise, and I supposed for him that was the only thing that truly mattered. I was just thankful he didn't attempt to engage in conversation. Eventually under my direction, we ended up here, in front of my parents’ house, a single-family home located in one of the most affluent suburbs of the city. Much like the fast-moving scenery as I’d stared out the window of the taxi, my mind was a blur. Memories of my childhood danced across my conscience, and I could practically smell the freshly baked cookies my mother used to whip up in the kitchen or the scent of expensive cigars my father would sit and puff on while reading the latest releases of Caldwell Publishing.
The company had been a college graduation gift, a desire of mine since I was a young boy, and now that it was officially mine, its future hung in the balance like everything else in my life.
A light flickered on, illuminating from the large bay window that belonged to my mother’s sitting room, and the thin silhouette moving behind the curtains caused me to choke on an inhale.
Mom.
My heart clenched at the sight of her, and tears burned the corners of my eyes. She was awake, and Millie’s words from earlier that day returned. Two months had passed since I’d last seen my parents, a decision that had been mine and mine alone, one I struggled with every single day.
Go see her, Owen. Knock on the damn door for Christ’s sake and pull her in your arms. Tell her how much you need her, now more than ever.
“Sir?”
Shaking my head, I inhaled deeply and took one more look at the window before slipping back into the cab. I needed to stand by the decision I had made, no matter how difficult it was or how it ripped me apart inside.
It was better this way.
Better for everyone this way.