Hayden
I’m lying to him.
I’m not fine.
I haven’t been fine for a very, very long time, and drinking today probably isn’t the best of ideas because today is the anniversary of the day I was taken. I don’t want to be alone today and even though both of my brothers sent me messages to make sure I’m fine, I still feel sad.
The truth is that the one person who could probably help me is Gaz. He’s the only one who doesn’t baby me, who doesn’t treat me like some precious cargo. It’s not that I mind my brothers being gentle or caring with me, but sometimes I want to be treated like a woman and not a victim.
Sometimes I want to forget that I was raped and tormented.
Sometimes I just want to feel normal.
The closest I’ve ever gotten to that is hanging out with Gaz. When I’m around him, he treats me like a friend, a confidante. He treats me perfectly normally and doesn’t worry about censoring his language or his ideas. He knows I can handle anything he throws my way, so he throws it, and I like that.
Both Quinn and Ezra tend to gloss over the hard facts when it comes to sharing information. I know exactly how they each met their mates because the women told me, shared with me. If it wasn’t for the girls, I never would have known the true stories because my brothers each fed me these sanitized versions of what actually happened.
Well, I’m an adult, and not a new one, either. I’m almost 30 years old, and I deserve to be treated that way.
Gaz treats me that way.
Now he’s sitting in front of me, and he’s giving me the opportunity to open up to him. The question is whether or not I’m actually brave enough for that. I’m already completely in love with him, but love isn’t just about feelings, is it? I’ve learned a lot in the last decade, and one thing I know now, more than anything else, is that love requires risk and sacrifice.
Am I willing to risk my privacy to tell Gaz the truth?
Am I willing to sacrifice my fear in order to open up to him?
I might need another drink for this.
I reach for the wall to order another round, but I feel Gaz’s hand gently wrap around my wrist. I look down at it, and then up at him. His gaze is gentle.
“Hayden,” he says softly. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” He looks so open and sweet, so gentle. Right now, he’s not the lawyer or the shark. Right now, he’s not a scary attorney demanding justice for his clients. He’s not the powerful man I’ve come to associate with those damn suits he wears.
No, right now, he’s just Gaz.
My Gaz.
And I realize that even if it costs me something, I’m willing to pay up. I’m willing to sacrifice my own emotions and terror because I really do want to open up to someone, and I want that someone to be Gaz.
“You know I was kidnapped,” I say slowly.
“I know,” he growls, and his eyes narrow, but I know he’s not mad at me. He’s just sad about what happened to me. I am, too. It wasn’t fair. Then again, nothing about life is ever really fair. Losing my parents at a young age wasn’t fair. Being raised by my aunt wasn’t fair. Growing up the only girl in a house with two overbearing brothers wasn’t fair.
Being hurt wasn’t fair.
“It was ten years ago today,” I admit. “And even though I think I should be over it by now, the truth is that I’m not,” I shake my head. “Sometimes, I even still have nightmares. I know logically that he’s gone, that he can never hurt me again, but sometimes, I still feel scared, Gaz. Today is a hard day for me because even though so much time has passed, I remember exactly what it felt like to be taken. I remember the exact moment I realized what was happening, and I remember the terror that swept over me.”
Before I realize what’s happening, Gaz is on my side of the table and his arms are wrapped around me. He pulls me so close to himself that I can hear his heartbeat, and suddenly, I feel at peace. The anxiety that’s been plaguing me all day disappears as I relax into his touch because I know that Gaz will never hurt me.
I know that he’ll do anything he can to protect me, to keep me safe, and the thought makes me feel like crying from sheer relief.
“I’m sorry about what that bastard did to you. I’m even sorrier I didn’t kill the fucker.”
I’ve never heard Gaz talk like this, but I shake my head.
“You did everything you could.”
“Your brothers and I should have hunted him down like the dog he is.”
“Gaz, I…”
“What is it, Hayden?” He lifts my chin and looks at me, really looks at me. Feminine energy rushes through my body as I suddenly become aware of the fact that today doesn’t feel like two friends hanging out. It feels like a date, but it shouldn’t. Gaz doesn’t think of me that way.
My hands are pressed against his hard chest, and I let them roam for a minute before I shake my head.
“Nothing, I…let’s just keep drinking, okay?” I pull out of his grasp and order us another round of drinks. “This one’s on me,” I tell him.
Is it just me, or does he look a little disappointed?
The drinks come, but Gaz doesn’t make any attempt to return to his side of the table. Instead, he stays next to me, protecting me, and I like that. It feels comfortable, and this time, I sip my drink a little slower. Already I’m starting to feel a little buzzed. There’s music playing, and I let the sound wash over me.
“I’m sorry about what happened to you,” Gaz finally says after a long time. “It’s not easy having bad things happen to us.”
“You know about that, don’t you?” I ask him softly. Gaz doesn’t talk about Orchid. He doesn’t talk about his family or his life there or why he left. I have my suspicions about him, but I’ve never pushed him to tell me anything about his life. I’ve never pushed him to explain.
“There are things in life that are so dramatic they shape who we are,” he says finally. “Sometimes, something bad happens, but it’s like high tide at the beach. It happens, but then it’s over, and everything goes back to normal. When you have a sandcastle you’ve spent hours building, though, and that tide comes in and crushes all of your hard work, it changes things.”
“It damages you.”
“It does.”
“What happened to you, Gaz?” I look up at him and for a minute, I think he’s going to tell me, but then he shakes his head.
“That’s a story for another day, love. That’s a story for another day.”
I try to hide my disappointment, but Gaz isn’t falling for it.
“Don’t look so sad, Hayden,” he murmurs, pressing his lips to my forehead. Before I can read too much into the gesture, he pulls me to my feet and begins to dance with me right next to our table. A few people turn to stay, but most of them ignore us.
“Gaz!”
“What is it, beautiful?”
“This isn’t that type of place. We aren’t allowed to dance here.”
“Is there a sign that says we can’t dance here?”
“Well, no, but people are staring.”
“Let them stare. Let them be jealous I’m dancing with the most beautiful woman in this bar. Let them look at us, Hayden. Let them.”
He pulls me closer to himself and this time, I lean against Gaz and fall in step with his movements. This time, I close my eyes and just let him lead this movement. This time, I let him take care of me the way I’ve never let anyone take care of me.
“You always have to be so strong, don’t you?” He whispers, and I shake my head, but we both know he’s right. I don’t let people see me get scared. Not anymore. I was scared once, long ago, and now?
Now I know better.
Predators love it when you’re afraid. They love it when you get scared. They can smell your fear and they thrive on it. They can sense it. After Hector stole my innocence from me, after I outsmarted him and escaped from his fucking mansion, I promised myself I would never be weak again.
I would never let myself crack.
I would never show anyone the things that hurt me.
And until recently, I’d been doing just fine. I’d been strong and smart and quick, but then something changed. Maybe it’s because my brothers are both so damn happy. Maybe I finally realized that being vulnerable isn’t always a terrible thing.
“I’m here for you, Hayden.” Gaz strokes my hair as we dance, and the rest of the world seems to just fade away. He touches me, and I don’t feel so alone. I don’t feel so isolated. When he runs his hands down my back and holds me at my waist, I don’t feel violated.
I feel safe.
I feel secure.
I feel comforted.
When I’m in Gaz’s arms, I feel better than I ever have before, and that’s a dangerous feeling: one I’m not sure what to do with.
Eventually, he leads me back to our table and we sit down. Once more, we’re side-by-side. I lean my head against Gaz as he starts to tell me stories about his job, about his experiences when he first moved to Sapphira, about learning to be an alien on a strange planet.
And when I close my eyes and start to fall asleep, it’s with the knowledge that no matter what happens, Gaz will always be here to take care of me. He’ll always be by my side. He’ll always protect me.
I can trust him.