Gaz
I shouldn’t be holding her, touching her, kissing her.
I shouldn’t be with Hayden because she’s so perfect and I am not.
I have secrets she could never imagine and a past she wouldn’t believe, but right now, none of that matters. In this moment, all that matters is that we’re here together. I’ll need to tell her who I am – who I really am – soon. There will come a time when it will be necessary, but right now, I just want to be me.
Is it so wrong that I just want to be Gaz: the lawyer?
What’s the problem with just wanting to be Gaz: Hayden’s best friend?
I don’t want to be Gazley anymore. I haven’t wanted that for a long time. There’s a reason I came to Sapphira so long ago, but I don’t want to talk about that with Hayden right now. I don’t want to ruin the moment.
Maybe that’s not fair to her, though. Hayden is a very private person and me? My life is complicated, messy. There is a part of me that I’ve hidden away, a part of me I hope never comes to the surface, but it will. That’s the way life works. I should tell her before we get too involved, before we get too close
But then she kisses me, and I forget about everything except the way Hayden tastes. Kissing her clears my mind and takes me away from my troubles. When her lips are pressed to mine, I’m not worried about Trevor or the Orchidian police. I’m not worried about my family or my upbringing. I’m not worried about all of the things I left behind.
When Hayden is touching me, somehow all of my problems just disappear and I am left wrapped in the arms of the most beautiful woman on the planet.
She kisses me, and I feel complete.
She moves so she’s straddling me on the couch, and I grip her hips as she grinds against me, rubbing her body over mine. I’m hard for her, and she can definitely feel it, but I’m not embarrassed. Any man would be lucky to have Hayden Fox rubbing on them and right now I’m the luckiest fucking man on the planet.
“You are so damn perfect,” I groan.
“I’m nothing compared to you, Gaz.”
My name on her lips sounds like perfection, like heaven, and I kiss her more. Slowly, daringly, I run my hands up and down her sides. Hayden stiffens for a second and I slow down, but then she relaxes beneath my touch and I continue to feel her body. She’s so soft, so delicate. She is everything I am not, and I love that about her.
When my hands make their way up to cup her breasts, she moans.
“I’ve thought about this so many times,” I murmur. “You have no idea how much I’ve fantasized about you, Hayden.”
“Me too,” she whispers. “I shouldn’t. I know it’s wrong, but I’ve wanted you for forever, Gaz. You’re the only man I…the only man I want to…it’s only you, Gaz. It’s just you and me.”
I run my hands over her clothed breasts. Her body is soft and sweet, but I want more. I want to touch her beneath the dress, and I slowly start to slide my hands up her thighs. Hayden continues to groan and rub against me, kissing me, as my hands reach her bottom.
This beautiful girl is being so bold with me, so free, and I want to make her feel incredible. I want to make her feel desired and passionate and happy. I want to make her smile and laugh. I want to make her come. I want to fill her up and lose myself in her beauty.
I want everything with Hayden.
But then she suddenly stops me and climbs off of me, shaking her head.
“I’m sorry,” she mutters.
Confused, I look at her, and she bites her bottom lip.
“Hayden?”
“I just need a second,” she says.
“That’s fine,” I reach for her hand, and she lets me hold it while she takes a few deep breaths. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”
“It’s not you. It’s me. I’m sorry. I just…” Hayden closes her eyes and a tear drizzles down her cheek.
“Hayden, breathe. Look at me, princess. Look at my eyes.” She opens her eyes and looks at me, and I nod. “That’s it. Just keep breathing. Whatever you’re feeling right now is okay, Hayden. Everything is going to be fine. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to get through this together. Just breathe.”
She nods and keeps looking at me, breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth. Finally, Hayden starts to relax, and then she presses her hands on my chest.
“I’m sorry,” she shakes her head. “It just got really intense all of a sudden, and I just felt like I couldn’t breathe.”
“It’s okay, Hayden.”
“I’m embarrassed.”
“Don’t be embarrassed, pretty girl.” She leans her head against my chest and I stroke her hair. “Do you want to tell me what happened, honey? I don’t pretend to be the best lover in the world, but I don’t usually make my partners cry.”
She laughs quietly, and I count it as a win.
“I should have told you sooner.”
“Told me what?”
“I haven’t…you know…not since…”
Of course.
Hayden hasn’t dated anyone in the time I’ve known her. I sort of assumed she took lovers quietly because she didn’t want her brothers to know and to interfere. I didn’t think she’d been celibate all of this time, though. What happened to her was traumatic. Rape. She was raped, and that’s not something you can get over quickly or easily. It’s not something that’s going to stop hurting just because a couple of years go past.
“I had no idea, Hayden. I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t scare you.”
“No!” She says firmly. “No, you didn’t scare me, Gaz. I feel safe with you. Complete. Whole. I feel good with you. It’s just that…”
“What, sweetie?”
“Gaz, I’d never had sex with anyone before he took me. The only times I’ve ever done that were with my kidnapper, and it was always forced.”
“Hayden,” I lift her chin so I can look at her. “Are you telling me you’ve never made love with someone you cared about?”
“No,” her word is a whisper.
“And you’re trusting me to take care of you?”
“Yes, Gaz, but I feel a little scared, and I’m sorry. I feel totally humiliated. Can we just…can we take it slow?”
“Of course we can take it slow, Hayden. We don’t have to do anything tonight, and just so we’re clear, this does not change how I feel about you.”
“Okay,” she breathes a sigh of relief and snuggles back against me. “Thank you, Gaz.”
“I love you, Hayden.”