Seventeen
By the time I arrive at the Black Dog, it is heaving with lunchtime trade and Jack is already sitting at a table by a window nursing a pint. As always, the sight of him makes me feel warm inside. I long to run into his arms, he’s been fighting my battles for me for as long as I can remember, but this time he can’t help.
I make my way through the crowd, many of whom I know, towards him. His straight brown hair is still wet and has been slicked back carelessly. He looks so dear and near and yet so far away from me. He has always been a deeply mysterious person. Hardly anyone really knows him.
He looks up and sees me. He has the pained blue eyes of a tortured artist. He should have been one. He stands slowly, and, unsmiling, opens his arms to me. With a contented sigh, I go into that place where I have felt safest since I was a child. I breathe in the familiar smell of his soap, so clean, so honest. When I pull away, he looks at me carefully. I can tell that he is in a bad mood. Perhaps he is even angry.
‘Your hair…’
I smile. ‘It’ll grow back.’
‘No, it’s good like that.’
‘Yeah?’
Yeah. You all right?’
‘Yes.’
‘Take a pew and I’ll get you a drink. What d’you want?’
‘Orange juice.’
He raises his eyebrows. ‘And?’
I dimple at him. ‘Vodka.’
He nods and makes his way to the bar. I watch him. He is tall and broad-shouldered and Julie Sugar is watching him eagerly. For as long as I can remember Julie has lusted after Jack. And now that he is studying medicine, her desire for him has grown to unmanageable proportions. She catches my eye and waves. I smile and wave back. Immediately, she begins to make her way towards me. I sigh inwardly. I like her, I really do, but I don’t want to make small talk today. Besides, she is only coming to talk to me because Jack is here.
‘Hey Lana?’ she says. She is dressed from head to toe in shades of pink.
‘Hi Julie.’
‘So Jack’s down?’ She lays a palm down on the table and drums her fluorescent-pink, plastic nails on it.
‘Mmnn.’
‘Are you guys having lunch?’
‘Probably.’
She looks lingeringly at the empty chair next to me, but I don’t invite her to join us. I know Jack will be irritated and besides, I need to talk to Jack and explain.
Jack comes back and stands beside the table with my drink and two packets of salt and vinegar crisps—our favorite flavor.
‘Hi, Jack,’ Julie simpers up at him, fluttering her eyelashes like a black and white movie star.
Jack smiles tightly. ‘Hi.’
‘Lana was just telling me that you are about to have lunch. Mind if I join you?’ She smiles invitingly.
‘Not this time, Jules… We have private things to discuss.’
‘Oh.’
‘Sorry.’
‘Maybe next time then,’ she says, and, flashing a hurt smile, flounces off.
‘Thanks,’ I say, and take my drink off Jack.
Jack sits down and takes a sip of his pint. ‘Well, then,’ he probes. ‘How’s it going?’
‘Great. No problems,’ I say.
His eyes narrow on my face, flash down to my clenched hands, then focus on trying to read my eyes. ‘Don’t lie to me, Lana. I know you better than that.’ His voice becomes hard. ‘Has he hurt you?’
‘No, course not.’
‘Then what is it?’ he prompts.
‘I’m just confused, I guess. This is not how I thought my life would be.’
‘Your life? It’s only for a month, isn’t it?’
I press my lips together. ‘It was three months or no deal.’
Jack draws his breath sharply. ‘I wish you hadn’t done it, Lana. You never even told me.’
‘I knew what you’d say. It was a spur of the moment decision.’
‘But to sell yourself.’ Jack looks openly angry.
‘I’d do it all again, Jack.’
‘Yeah, but this treatment you’re paying for, it’s not even properly recognized. I’ve looked up this Burzynski character on the net, and he seems well meaning enough, but it’s not proper medicine, Lana. All his results are anecdotal. Some of his critics are even accusing him of selling hope.’
I lean forward. ‘Do you really think after all these years that the FDA wouldn’t have locked him up and thrown away the key if he was just selling hope? Hundreds perhaps thousands of people have been cured by him,’ I insist passionately. ‘Some people are even calling his method the greatest find of the century.’
‘What kind of assurances have they given you?’
‘None. In fact, they’ve already warned me that Mum’s chances are slim at best. But even if she has only got a one percent chance of recovery, I’m going to take it. I’ve got nothing to lose. Everything else has failed. Maybe she’ll be one of the lucky ones.’
Jack drops his eyes to the scratched wooden table. ‘Remember that time when you were six years old, and I left you outside the newsagent to go in and get some sweets, and when I came out a pervert in a car was trying to persuade you to accept a lift?’
I nod. ‘Of course. I remember it as if it was yesterday. Your face, as you came rushing out, and punched the guy through the window. He hit the gas pedal, swerved, nearly hit an oncoming car, and screeched up the road. How old were you then? Fiftteen?’
‘Yeah. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I leave you for one minute to buy some sweets, and you are almost snatched by a pedophile.’
‘We didn’t tell my mum, did we?’
‘No, we didn’t. You know what, Lana? It feels like I’ve just gone into the sweetshop for some sweets and I’ve come out and a pervert has driven off with you. It feels like I’ve failed you. I thought I was going to study medicine, get a good job, and be a proper brother to you and your mum. And now it turns out you’re out there selling your body.’
‘Please don’t be angry with me, Jack. I can’t bear it when you are.’ My eyes well with tears and I blink them away.
His face softens. There is sadness in his voice when he speaks. ‘I can’t bear it when you cry. I’m not angry with you, Lana. I’m angry with myself for failing you.’
‘You haven’t failed me, Jack. I’m so proud of you. Of everyone we know, you’re the only one who has made it out of this vortex of poverty and hopelessness. I’m not your responsibility. I’m a big girl now. I can take care of myself.’
Jack nods. ‘I know. I just wanted better for you.’
‘It’s not so bad. It’s just sex, Jack.’
‘How’s your mum, anyway?’
‘She’s bad, Jack. Real bad. The good days are less and less. You do see that I had to do this, don’t you?’
‘Maybe, but I don’t like it, though.’
There is a lull in the conversation and I try to liven it up. ‘Since we are openly discussing my sex life…are you gay?’
‘What?’
‘Are you gay?’
Jack laughs. ‘That’ll be a surprise to my girlfriend.’
I gasp. ‘You have a girlfriend?’
‘Mmnnn.’
‘Since when?’
‘About a week ago. I was always so focused on getting out of the estate I didn’t allow myself to get distracted, but my goal is in sight now, and she’s a great girl.’
‘And just when were you going to tell me, Jack Irish?’
‘Well, how could I with you springing your big news on me?’
‘Tell me more about her.’
Before he can answer, my phone rings. It is Blake. ‘Hi,’ I say, looking at Jack.
‘Are you at the apartment?’
‘No.’
‘Can you get there in thirty minutes?’
‘I guess so.’
‘See you in thirty minutes.’
‘That was him?’ Jack asks.
I nod. ‘I’ve got to go. I’ll take a rain check on lunch with you, but I’m buying and we’re going somewhere nice.’
‘With his money?’
I don’t say anything. Of course it’s his money. My credit cards were maxed out before him.
‘Thanks, but no thanks. I understand why you’re doing what you’re doing, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to help spend his money. As far as I’m concerned it’s blood money—your blood. I’m not going to drink from it.’
I look at him helplessly. ‘It’s not that bad. Don’t let it come between us, please,’ I beg.
He reaches forward and grasps my hands in his. ‘Nothing will come between us. I’ll always be here for you and will be long after he is gone. No matter what happens, I want you to know I’m always here, a phone call away. You can always come to me.’
Tears spring into my eyes. ‘What’s the name of that girlfriend of yours?’ I sniff.
‘Alison.’
‘She’s lucky.’
He smiles. ‘You must tell her.’
‘When?’
‘You’ll see at Jerry’s birthday party. I’m bringing her.’
I bite my lip. ‘If I am allowed to be there, I would love to meet her.’
His eyes narrow dangerously. ‘Are you some kind of sexual slave to him, Lana?’
I feel hot color run up my neck. ‘No, but it’s the arrangement—I have to be there whenever he wants me.’
Jack draws a sharp breath. ‘That is just sick,’ he fumes.
I cover my burning cheeks with my palms. ‘Please, Jack, leave it.’
‘You’re such a fucking innocent. Does your mother know about this pact of abuse you have signed up for?’
‘Of course she doesn’t, but it’s not abuse, Jack. It’s not exactly a hardship to sleep with the man that Hello! magazine has called the most eligible bachelor in the world.’
‘So what does your mother think?’
I close my eyes. ‘She thinks I’ve got myself a rich boyfriend.’
‘Jesus.’
I run a finger through the condensation on my glass. ‘You know I don’t believe in God. All my life I’ve thought it’s a cruel God up there, if there is one at all, but you do, and your God is kind and forgiving. Will you pray to your god to save my mother?’
‘I pray every day for your mum, Lana.’
Tears spill down my cheeks.
Sadly, he reaches out a hand and wipes them. ‘Don’t cry, little one. Maybe this treatment will work. Maybe she will get better.’
I smile through my tears. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you, Jack. Sometimes when I am really sad I think of you studying in your dorm, and it makes me feel happy. “Dr Jack Irish, your next patient has arrived.”’
Jack smiles, but it is a sad smile.
‘I did what I had to do.’
He rests his forehead on his hand; his eyes are unexpectedly gentle. ‘All right, Lana. We’ll play it your way. Be safe and remember I’m here for you. Always. If ever it gets…strange or dangerous, call me immediately. I swear if he ever hurts you, I don’t care if I end up in prison, I’m going to punch his lights out.’
I nod. ‘I’ll be all right. It’s just sex,’ I say and he winces.
‘Please don’t say that again, Lana. It hurts my ears.’
‘I’ve not suddenly become Fat Mary, you know.’
‘Perish the thought,’ Jack says, the ghost of a smile flickering into his face.
‘I have to go now.’
He stands. ‘I’ll pop by and see your mum later.’
‘Thanks Jack. She’ll like that. She likes you. Do you know she thought you and I would get together?’
He makes a face. ‘Oh dear.’
I laugh. ‘I know. Goodbye, Jack.’
I move forward, kiss him on his cheek and walk towards the entrance. As I cross it my phone flashes with an incoming text.
Wear nothing.
I look at the screen again. Wear nothing. And feel a stirring of excitement deep in my core.