Twenty nine
Blake Law Barrington
Your hands are inside my heart.
I stand on the embankment watching the water rushing by and think of Lana… and feel confused. There is a room inside her that I cannot enter. It is like the room inside me that she is not allowed in. It is where she keeps all the hurts I have caused. There are other things in that room, too. She has secrets now. I try to imagine what else could be hidden there.
A man talking loudly on his cell phone in some European language intrudes on my musings. I glance away from the water and see the tramps sleeping rough. For the first time in my life I perceive them as people. People who have fallen on hard times because of the things that my family is doing. They are not the real parasites. Lana was right that night when she accused us of being the real parasites. Of course, I have always known that we are the disease that they are ill from. You have to be blind, deaf and dumb not to see that. I just never cared before.
My phone rings. It is Marcus.
‘Hello Marcus.’
My brother gets to the point immediately. ‘Morgan just called me. Why is his loan still pending?’
‘Morgan is a crook.’
There is a shocked silence and then my brother sighs heavily. ‘What’s going on with you, Blake?’
‘Nothing. It bugs me to approve the loan. This green energy thing is such a scam.’
‘Of course it is. And so what?’
‘Why do we have to be part of everything crooked?’
‘My God, you’re beginning to sound like Quinn,’ my brother says referring to our youngest sibling. Quinn turned his back on the family fortune and ran off to Europe to be an artist.’
‘I’m beginning to think Quinn had the right idea.’
‘It’s a big account—government approved. We’re just facilitating the funds.’
‘We’re always only facilitating the funds.’
‘Father worked hard to get us on board. The other banks will kill for an opportunity like this.’
I sigh heavily. ‘Yeah, I’ll sign off on the papers in the morning.’
‘I don’t care about the loan—what I care about is what’s happening to you? You’re still in training. You can’t get soft, Blake. These are shark-infested waters you’re swimming in. They’ll eat you alive. The entire system is corrupt. You can’t fight it. If you try to, it will only break you.’
‘Just having a bad day, I guess.’
‘Have you spoken to Victoria?’
I frown. ‘No, why?’
‘Nothing. Her father was telling me you haven’t called in some weeks. It’s not a good thing to leave these things for too long.’
I do something I have never done before. I confide in my brother. ‘I think I might have found someone.’
There is a shocked pause. ‘Someone? What do you mean someone?’
‘I think I’m in love.’
‘What?’ The burst of sound is so explosive and sudden that I have to pull the phone away from my ear and hold it away.
‘Hell! Blake! Have you lost your mind?’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Who is it?’
‘Not one of us.’
‘Set her up in an apartment and visit her every day until you are bored of her.’
I smile in the dark. ‘Done that.’
‘You’ve fallen for a gold-digger!’
‘She’s not a gold-digger.’
‘They all are.’
‘Well, she’s not.’
‘Look, Blake, don’t fuck this up. This is your future. You have to marry Victoria.’
‘I don’t have to do anything. I don’t want to end up like you. A wife you detest, three kids you never see, and cold fucks with models and movie stars in luxurious apartments and hotel rooms.’
‘What’s wrong with that?’
It was a mistake to tell him.
‘You’re going to fuck this up, aren’t you? This is not a club, Blake. You can’t terminate your membership and walk away. There are consequences.’
‘Quinn did.’
‘You’re not Quinn,’ he says, his voice heavy with meaning.
‘Look, I got to go. I’ll call you soon. Bye, Marcus.’
I cut the call and stand looking at the cold, black water.
‘Spare some change, mate,’ someone says from behind.
I turn back and look at the tramp. He is probably my age. Change? I never carry ‘change’. I open my wallet. There is nothing there but fifty-pound notes. I pull one out and hold it out by the corner. The man’s eyes bulge.
‘God bless you, sir,’ he cries delightedly, and staggers away to spend the money on more booze. I look up and a star tumbles from the sky. I watch it and take it as a blessing.
I want desperately to go back to the apartment and get into bed beside her, but I won’t. That will be a bad idea. She will be asleep and I will only wake her and want to get into that beautiful body. No, I want to do this properly. I will go back to my own apartment tonight and tomorrow I will meet her and tell her I am madly, madly in love with her.
I send her a text.
Meet me for breakfast outside the café? 9am. X
Lana Bloom
I am not asleep when his text comes through. I read his message and even though the very thought of breakfast makes me feel sick, I know I will go to him. Perhaps I will have some black coffee and pretend I am on a diet or something. I wonder where he is. Why has he not come to me? Has he begun to lose interest? So quickly? Alone and deeply sad, I go to sleep and sleep badly, tossing and turning. Eventually, when I do fall into a deep sleep, dawn is in the sky.
My alarm goes off at eight a.m.
I dress hurriedly in a long shirt and navy and white trousers. There is no bump yet, but it seems like a good idea to start dressing in loose attire. Carelessly I pull an Alice hair band on. It doesn’t match my outfit, but I can’t bring myself to care. Suddenly, I am wrecked by a wave of nausea. I lean against the mirror and fight it. I shouldn’t have agreed to go, but I don’t want to make him suspicious.
Downstairs, I wave to Mr. Nair and walk out of the building. The café is only down the street. As I walk my thoughts wander. What will become of me and the little life growing inside me? I put my head down and make a decision as I step onto the road. An urgent shout jars me out of my own little world.
‘Watch out!’
My head jerks up. In that split second, I see Blake running towards me. He is no longer shouting. His face is ashen. As if in slow motion I turn and see a car speeding towards me. I should run, but my feet are rooted to the spot. Even far into the future I will remember how I saw everything so clearly it was like looking through a very clean glass. How Blake, his eyes full of desperate fear reached me and with both hands pushed me back with such force that I was thrown backwards and out of harm’s way.
The car ploughs into him instead.
I lie on the ground and watch him flying in the air like a rag doll. He lands on the other side of the street. Even from my prone position I can see the stream of blood that starts running away from his head into the gray asphalt. I scramble up on my hands and knees and run to him screaming. He is lying on his front, but his head is turned in my direction.
‘Are you all right?’ he mumbles vaguely in the direction of my voice, but his eyes seem unable to focus.
‘I’m fine,’ I sob, and he closes his eyes and falls into some deep, dark place.
Someone calls the police and the ambulance is quick to arrive. They take him to the nearest emergency room, but I am keenly aware that his family will want him to be taken to the best hospital money can buy. I look through his mobile and find Marcus’s number.
‘Hello,’ I say. My voice is strangely calm. It must be the shock, I guess.
‘Who’s this?’ comes the suspicious reply.
‘Blake has been in a road accident.’ My voice shakes on the word accident. ‘He’s been taken to the Hospital of St John and St Elizabeth. I just thought you should know.’
‘How bad is he?’
‘It looks like a head injury, but there might be other internal things that I don’t know about.’
‘Are you at the hospital right now?’
‘Yes.’
‘Will you wait for me? I’ll be right there.’
I sit on a chair feeling totally numb. There is blood on my wrists and hands. Blake’s blood. Suspended inside my cloud of shock I stare at it blankly. Slowly as if in a daze I drag a finger through it. It feels sticky. I’m not dreaming, this is really happening, my brain says. I wipe my hand on my stained, torn navy and white trousers, take out my own mobile and call Billie.
Billie is quicker to arrive than Marcus. The sight of Billie’s worried face hurrying towards me undoes me.
‘Oh, Billie,’ I sob. ‘It was my fault. I wasn’t looking where I was going. If he had not pushed me out of the way it would have been me that the car hit.’
‘Banker boy threw himself under a car to save you?’ Billie’s eyebrows are almost in her hairline.
I stop crying, as I register what I have not with the shock. He is cold and unemotional. He hardly ever touches me unless he wants to have sex. Why?
‘Why would he do that?’ I whisper.
‘People only do that for the people they love,’ Billie says.
‘He doesn’t love me. If you knew what kind of relationship we have you’d never say that. He must have acted instinctively.’
Billie says nothing. Her eyes are on the door. ‘Here comes big brother.’
I turn in the direction Billie is looking at and indeed, it is Blake’s brother; he has the same superior air. He is standing at the door scanning the room. As soon as he spots us he comes over. His surprised eyes slide quickly over the spiders climbing on Billie’s neck, but he only addresses me, as if he instinctively recognizes the type of woman his brother would be interested in.
‘I’m Marcus. You must be the one who called me.’
‘Yes.’
‘Thank you. Where is my brother now?’
I point towards the desk. ‘They won’t tell me anything.’
‘What happened?’
‘He pushed me out of the way of a speeding car and took the hit himself.’
Marcus’s face is incredulous. ‘My brother did that?’
Tears begin to roll unchecked down my face. I feel like a complete fool crying in front of that disapproving stranger, but the tears refuse to stop.
He looks at my tears unemotionally. ‘It will be the shock,’ he says.
I nod through the tears.
He glances quickly at the two ladies behind the reception desk, obviously eager to talk to them. ‘Look, if you give me your name and address, I will be happy to compensate you for what you have done.’
His words are like a slap. I take a shocked step away from him. I remember Blake saying, we are not like you. ‘That won’t be necessary,’ I say.
An expression passes across his face. Irritation. He is irritated with me. ‘Well, thank you for calling me, anyway.’ He turns away from us and begins to walk towards the enquiries desk. Then he remembers, stops and comes back to me. ‘Can I have my brother’s phone back, please?’
Silently I put the phone into his outstretched hand.
‘Thank you again for what you did for my brother,’ he says awkwardly.
I nod and feel Billie’s supportive hand come around my waist.
Marcus strides away. After the fear, the guilt, and the worry, the shock of his brother’s utter rejection finishes me. I sag weakly against Billie.
‘Fucking heartless, rude bastard. Fuck them and their pissy billions. They can keep it,’ Billie says angrily. She leads me outside and hails a black cab. We get in and do not speak during the journey, but Billie tightly holds my hand in hers for the entire duration of the trip.
When we get out of the cab, I retch and am sick by the side of the road. An old biddy walking on the other side of the road stops to stare and Billie asks her if she has a tissue.
‘Oh dear, oh dear,’ she says, and crosses the road. She fishes a handkerchief from her handbag. ‘What’s the matter with the poor child?’
‘She’s pregnant,’ Billie says.
My eyes swing around to Billie and Billie claps her hand over her mouth. ‘Oh my God! You’re pregnant, aren’t you?’
‘Can I have the handkerchief back?’ the old biddy whines plaintively.
Billie takes the soiled cloth from me and ungratefully stuffs it into the woman’s hand. ‘Thanks, love. You want to stock up on tissues in future. More hygienic.’
The woman leaves with a sniff and Billie turns to me. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I just found out myself. Besides, I can’t keep it.’
Billie’s eyes open wide. ‘What?’
I blink back the tears. ‘It’s in my contract. If I don’t terminate I will forfeit all rights to it. I’m not going to give up my baby to that cold bunch.’
Billie’s eyes flash. ‘They can’t do that.’
‘They can, Bill. The way they feel about crushing us is the way you feel about killing a row of ants heading towards your jam jar.’
‘Who do they think you are? Fucking Oliver Twist? Please, sir, can I have some more, sir? You know what? I haven’t used any of the money that you gave me. Let’s give that back to them and work out some plan where we pay the rest back with interest.’
I shake my head tiredly. ‘Oh, Bill, they don’t want the money back. It’s all about their precious bloodline. The purity of the great Barrington line must be safeguarded at all costs. And any bastard children must go back to the Barrington care. They don’t trust the likes of us to bring up children properly.’
Billie looks as though she is about to go into one. A very long and loud rant.
‘Not now, Bill. Please. I just want to go somewhere I can sit.’
Billie holds out her hand. ‘Come. I’ll take you home.’
‘I don’t want my mum to know.’
‘It’s OK, we’ll go to mine and you can clean up there. We don’t have to tell anyone.’
‘Remember when you said you didn’t know whether you would share your lottery money with me if you ever did win?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Now you know, don’t you?’
Billie smiles sadly. ‘Yeah, now I know.’