Jake
“I had such a great time. Thanks so much for taking me out,” Millie said as we got to her front door after what I was sure would be our final dinner together.
“I’m glad you had a good time,” I said as I hovered in the doorway.
“And we never run out of things to talk about. And now with the baby. It could all be perfect, Harry.” She placed the palm of her hand on my chest. “Don’t you think? And now you’re single and I’m single, and I’m having your child . . .”
She stroked her fingers up my neck.
“It’s as if life rearranged itself for us,” she said.
I gripped her wrist. “Stop. We’re not together. We’re never going to be together.”
“You don’t mean that.” She grinned. “Don’t you remember that thing I can do with my tongue?”
I jerked away from her.
“I said no. It’s not like that between us anymore.”
“I’m carrying your baby.” Her voice became colder, harder. “You need to support me.”
“I am supporting you.”
“I want a ring, Harry. You should have bought me a ring already.” Her eyes narrowed and she pointed accusingly. “You broke it, you have to buy it. Don’t you get it? I don’t understand what your fucking problem is. You’re supposed to be smart.”
God, she was nasty. But it was no surprise.
“I’m sorry if you ever got the impression that this was different than it is, but I’m going to be really clear. I am never going to marry you. We might be having a baby together, but that’s where it begins and ends. I don’t love you, Millie. I won’t ever love you. In fact, I don’t even like you that much. I will support the baby, but that’s as far as this relationship goes.” I turned and headed toward the stairs and let Millie’s shouting blend together to make noise. I didn’t hear what she was saying. I just wanted to get away from her.
As I hit fresh air, I gulped it in desperate for renewal. I needed to be away from Millie. She was everything I didn’t want in my life.
Haven
“Another,” I said as I slammed the glass on the coffee table, my throat still burning from the shot. I was sitting on the floor so I couldn’t fall after all the tequila I intended to drink.
Ash looked at me as if she were deliberating about whether or not to say anything.
“Another,” I repeated.
She picked up the bottle of tequila and fiddled with the top. “Just because they were out together doesn’t mean they are together together.”
I shook my head. “Another.”
“Haven. Seriously.”
I narrowed my eyes at her and she relented and poured another shot. I grabbed it as soon as it was full, put it to my lips and tipped my head back. The warmth spread from my tongue down my throat and across my limbs. I could feel tequila in my fingers.
“They don’t look good together,” Ash said.
“They look great and he seemed happy, which is what I wanted. She’s the mother of his child. They should be together.”
“He loves you.”
I shook my head. “Don’t say that.”
“He told you he loves you.”
“Shut up, Ash. I mean it. Things are how they should be. We were never going to work out in the long run, even if Millie hadn’t gotten pregnant. There were always going to be glamazons wanting his attention. It’s easier this way.”
“Shouldn’t you at least drunk dial him and shout abuse at him?”
“I don’t want him to think I care. Because I don’t.”
“Then why are you downing tequila shots like Mel Gibson?”
“Shut up and drink with me.”
I’d expected my hangover to be worse, considering. I could tell by the ache in my lower back that I hadn’t even made it to my bed. I pried an eye open and realized I was on the sofa, Ash collapsed below me on cushions, with one hand still on an almost empty tequila bottle.
I made it to the kitchen and poured myself some water into the biggest glass I could find, then changed into my flying pig pajamas and got into bed. It was ten in the morning, but I had no intention of getting out of bed anytime soon. It was a day to wallow. The pajamas said it all. They were all about Jake. The first time he’d seen me with my hair down, I had been wearing them. The first time he’d made me come, he’d peeled them from my legs. I closed my eyes to stop the tears. I couldn’t give in. I needed to blank it all out. I missed him so much, more than I thought possible. I’d known I was upset, but seeing him had made me realize how much I felt his loss in every particle of my body.
I hadn’t expected ever to run into him again. Maybe if I had been prepared it would have been easier. But it had been much worse than I’d ever imagined. The pain hadn’t dimmed; it still felt as if my heart were being dipped in alcohol. It burned. It was physical. It was visceral.
I heard banging about in the living room, the clink of glasses and then Ash appeared in my bedroom door with a glass of water in her hand. I pulled back the quilt and she climbed in next to me. We lay on our backs, staring at the ceiling.
“How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Remarkably okay given my tequila consumption. You?”
“I meant about Jake.”
I wasn’t sure if my outside had reacted as violently as my inside at the mention of his name. It felt as if my heart and my stomach swapped positions and my skin started to twitch. “I’ll be fine. I don’t want to talk about it. Can we discuss your lack of love life?”
Ash groaned. “Haven, concentrating on my misery won’t heal your own.”
“I think you should Internet date or something,” I said, ignoring her.
“Well, actually, I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot.”
Ash always fobbed me off when I tried to get her to discuss her dating life, so the fact she was engaging with me was new.
“Go on,” I said, desperate for a distraction.
“You know that guy at work I told you about?”
“The one that works in the other hospital?” She’d told me several months ago that she’d been flirting with a hot doctor from another hospital, but I hadn’t heard about him since.
“Yeah, well, he’s at my hospital now, like every day. And he’s funny. He seems like a good guy.”
I turned on my side to face Ash and propped my head up on my hand. “Sounds good.”
“Well he asked me out. Several times actually. I told him I’d think about it.”
“Oh my God, Ash, how have you not told me about this? What is there to think about?” I was genuinely excited for her and I welcomed the sense of positivity that dripped into my brain, pushing away thoughts of Jake.
“I think I like him. And I think I need to move on.”
“You know that there’s nothing in the world that I want more than you and Luke to be together, but I don’t think it’s healthy to put your life on hold for someone who’s not available.”
“I know,” she said quietly. “And I know I joke about it, but I think that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve felt the way I have about your brother since I was in the womb, so I’ve given myself an excuse not to look anywhere else for love.”
“Oh, Ash. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. At least I realize it now. I don’t want you to do the same thing with Jake. You still love him. I know you do. It’s different for you; he has feelings for you. He told you he loved you. You have a chance at being with the man you love. Don’t waste it. And before you say anything, you don’t know what’s going on with Millie. He’s a good guy. He’s probably just trying to keep her happy. If he was in love with her, he wouldn’t have broken up with her after three months. Don’t waste time like I have. Go after him or try to move on.”
The thought of moving on, trying to date someone else, was just too much. It was as if someone had their fist around my heart and was gripping tighter and tighter.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it,” she continued. “I just needed to say it. So, I think I’m going to say yes to Richard. What have I got to lose?”
“Richard is the hot doctor?”
Ash nodded. “And I think I’m not going to come to Sunday night dinner quite as often.”
It was tough to think that our happy routine was going to change, but it was the right thing for Ash and I was really pleased for her.
“I get it.”
“I could ask Richard if he has a hot friend and we could double.”
“Can I take a few days to think about that? I need some time to adjust.” It was going to take something more than time.
Ash squeezed my hand.
Emma was visiting her parents, so Luke was doing Sunday dinner at their place. I wouldn’t have peeled myself out of bed for any other reason. No doubt Jake would be spending the day with Millie, and if I stayed at home on my own it would be the only thing I could think about.
“You look terrible,” Luke said as he opened the door.
“Wow, and they say you don’t have any charm. I don’t know where they come up with these ideas.” I followed him into the kitchen. “So, you’re actually cooking? We’re not getting Chinese?” Unless Ash and I were there doing it for him, Sunday dinner at Luke’s was normally delivered. Although we’d never talked about it, I assumed it was some kind of reaction to not being able to pursue his dreams of being a chef. That if he couldn’t be amazing at it, he didn’t want to try at all.
“I thought I’d make an effort,” he said. “But it’s baked potato and salmon, so don’t get too excited.”
“Okay, I can live with that.”
“So, what’s with the hangover face?”
“Ash and I went out last night.”
“Is that why Ash bailed? Does she know Emma’s not going to be here?”
I nodded. I wasn’t technically lying because she did know that Emma wouldn’t be around, but I was ignoring the first part of the question. Luke accepted that Ash didn’t like Emma. I wasn’t sure whether he cared. He never seemed to defend Emma or try to justify why he was with her. I suppose he didn’t need to. It was his choice and his life, but she was separate, compartmentalized away from the rest of his life. How did he do that? My feelings for Jake ran through my veins and consumed me. I couldn’t put him in a box like that.
“So how come you didn’t go with Emma to see her parents?”
“I didn’t want to and she didn’t ask. So what did you get up to last night?”
“We went to Soho for a few drinks and then came home and hit the tequila.” There was no need to tell him about Jake.
“Did you meet any new friends?” he asked.
I rolled my eyes at him. “You sound like such a granddad. Yes, I made new friends.”
“Good. And Ash?”
“Yes, we both made new friends.”
He raised his eyebrows and turned to me. “Really? Anything serious?”
“What?” We seemed to be having two different conversations.
“Nothing. Have you spoken to Jake?”
“No, and I don’t want to talk about him. We’re finished. That’s it. Move on. I have.” Last night was evidence that I hadn’t moved on. I was exactly where I’d been the moment I broke up with him. I wasn’t sure it was as easy as simply choosing to, as Ash had described this morning. I couldn’t imagine not feeling like this, so dark, so raw, so empty without Jake, but I needed to try or bury all that deeper.
Monday morning meetings got less painful as time passed since I’d last seen Jake in the chair opposite me.
After Robert rejected my article about women in the tech industry, I’d fallen back into line and he’d approved my research of the rise of the use of Botox. Perfect. I’d asked Emily to take the lead on it and she was excited. It was nice to have someone at work who wasn’t openly hostile to me.
“Haven, can I have five minutes?” Robert asked at the end of the meeting.
I nodded, gathered up my pad, pen and diet Coke and followed him to his office.
“The elite dating article has been really well received, Haven. Well done,” he said as he closed his office door behind him. “And on top of the Sandy Fox piece, I think the features we’ve had over the last six months have been excellent.”
“That’s great. I’m really pleased.” Why did it feel as though I was about to get fired?
“I spoke to Carole at the weekend.”
I took a deep breath.
“She’s not coming back from maternity leave.”
My palms were beginning to sweat. I fiddled with the cap of my diet Coke in an attempt to distract myself from what Robert was about to say.
He smiled. “And I’d like you to be my new deputy editor.”
My heart pounded through my chest but I wasn’t sure it was with joy and excitement. “I . . . I don’t know what . . . I wasn’t expecting . . .” What was my problem? Hadn’t I been working up to this moment since I joined Rallegra?
Robert laughed. “Take a breath. I don’t want you passing out on me. Don’t say anything to anyone at the moment. I’ve asked human resources to do the paperwork. It’s a significant uplift in salary, and you’ll be eligible for a bonus. But then, it’s never been about the money with you, has it?”
I shook my head. “Thank you. I’m just a little overwhelmed.”
“You’re great at your job, Haven. You deserve this. Now get out of here.”
I went back to my desk in a bit of a trance. I collected my phone from my bag and headed out to the stairwell, dialing Luke’s number before I reached the door.
“Can you talk?” I asked as he answered.
“Of course. What’s going on?”
“I just got offered the deputy editorship.”
“What? That’s incredible. Congratulations. Did it just happen?”
“Yeah, Robert just told me.”
“It’s what you’ve been wanting since you got there. I’m so proud of you. We should celebrate. You, me and Ash. Are you free this evening?”
For some reason I didn’t want to celebrate. I didn’t feel excited or even relieved. I felt uncomfortable. My mind kept drifting to Jake and the person I was with him. The person I was able to be with him. That person wasn’t the Haven who existed at Rallegra.
“It’s Monday. And you haven’t seen Emma all weekend. She’ll kill you.”
“She won’t care, and she’s working late anyway.”
“Okay, but can we stay in and celebrate?” I didn’t want to run the risk of seeing Jake again, and however unlikely that was in a city of eight million people, I needed to remove all possibilities. I had to create a world without Jake, because if he didn’t exist it might just be possible to live without him. I’d learned to live without my parents because I’d had to. I could do the same with Jake.