Unhealthy Secrets
I made it back to camp with half an hour to spare before breakfast started. Other campers were just beginning to wake up, and the lull in activity had me running into my cabin to grab my shower caddy. There was hardly ever a time when the showers weren’t full or didn’t have a long line, so now was my chance.
Inside, Peyton was already awake, but still in bed. She was curled up on top of a pile of her freshly washed clothes, her back against the wall and a book in her hands when I entered. As soon as the door pushed open her eyes flickered up to me. There was an unmistakable expression of curiosity on her freckly face as she regarded me.
Then, finally she asked, “Where’d you go?”
“On a run,” I answered simply as I went to tug clean clothes out of my dresser.
Peyton murmured back in response, then returned her attention to her book. I was surprised that she didn’t have anything more to say on the matter. Obviously, my run hadn’t been interesting enough for her to ask further questions. I was grateful for that though, because I didn’t have time to chitchat. There was a hot shower calling my name, and I wasn’t going to keep it waiting.
I hurried out of the cabin, clutching my towel, shower caddy, and a change of clothes to my chest as I practically ran to the bathrooms. Unsurprisingly, I wasn’t the first person there, but I was one of the first, which meant that there were open showers. It felt good to have options. That had only happened once before in the entire time that I’d been at camp.
I hung my stuff on the hook just inside of the door, tossed my towel over the top of the stall, and hung my caddy on the showerhead before I fired it up. The hot water hit me in a blast, scalding my skin where it touched. The steam enveloped me, wrapping my body in a cloud of warm mist as I washed my hair and scrubbed the sweat from my skin. When I was done rinsing all of the suds from my body, I stood under the water for a while just enjoying the feeling of the water on my face. I could hear the bathroom filling up as I turned the water off and grabbed my towel. By the time I was dressed and leaving the bathroom, all of the other shower stalls were full and the line was so long that I knew some people were going to be late to breakfast.
Water dripped from my hair, leaving wet spots on my shirt as I looked in the mirror and brushed it back into a bun. Once I was done, I headed back to drop my things off at my cabin and then Peyton and I walked to the dining hall. Inside it was loud with the sounds of utensils clattering and voices chattering as the other campers talked and ate. Peyton waved goodbye to me as she went to go find her friends, and I went to grab a bowl of oatmeal and get a plate of fruit. On my way to my usual table, I filled up a cup of orange juice and set it on my tray.
“Hey,” Willow greeted me as I slid into the empty space on the bench next to Becca, who was picking at a bagel and talking animatedly to Jess.
“Morning,” I responded, glancing at our friends. “What are they talking about?”
Willow shrugged as she bit into a boiled egg. “Beats me. I just got here too. It seems like a pretty heated debate though.”
“It seems that way, but it’s probably about something no one cares about.”
Willow giggled. “Like Pepsi versus Coke.”
“Or dogs versus cats.”
“Dogs,” Willow said immediately, pointing at me with the half of a boiled egg that she held in her hand.
“Agreed.” I leaned toward Becca and Jess, trying to figure out what they were talking about. I caught a few words, but I still didn’t know. After I moment, I gave up and stuffed a pineapple chunk into my mouth.
Willow poked Jess in her side, making Jess squeak and jump in her chair. “What are you guys talking about?” she asked when Jess turned and glared at her.
“Our exes,” Becca answered. “She wanted to know why me and Pete broke up. That’s my ex.”
“I figured,” I replied, earning a playful eye roll.
Jess leaned across the table, her green eyes staring into mine. “They were so cute. He even came to camp to visit her last year. It was so romantic.”
Becca scoffed and dropped her uneaten bagel on her tray. “Was not. He only did it because I asked him to. It wasn’t like it was his idea or anything. I bet Jake would be sweet enough to do something like that without me having to ask him to do it. He’s totally a hold-a-boom-box-outside-of-your-window kind of guy.” She placed a hand on her chest and looked up, pretending to swoon.
Willow scoffed, making Becca give her a pointed look.
“What? No guys at our age are that romantic. They still laugh at fart noises.” She scrunched her nose and then ate the rest of her egg.
“True,” Jess agreed.
Becca rolled her eyes. “Not Jake,” she said, pressing her lips together in a tight line. She opened her mouth to speak again, but all that came out was a little gasp. Suddenly her eyes bulged and she began clutching her chest as her gaze landed on each of us in turn. There was a desperate expression on her face as she managed to say, “Help.” The word came out in a gasp of air, sounding breathy and faint. Then, not even a second later, she fell backwards off of the bench we were sitting on.
My reflexes weren’t fast enough to catch her, and we all watched in horror as she hit the ground. Her head reverberated off of the tile floor, producing an ear splitting sound that caused everyone in the hall to stop talking and turn to stare. The once loud room was now eerily silent, the only sound coming from our camp director Kelsey as she yelled, “Becca?” and ran across the room the get to her. By the time she got to us, I was already on the floor trying to assess the damage. Thankfully there was no blood pooling from the back of her head, but she had hit it pretty hard. There was not doubt in my mind that she’d have a concussion.
“What happened?” Kelsey asked us, her voice frantic as she leaned down next to Becca.
“I don’t know,” I answered. “She was fine one second and then she clutched her chest and fell back.”
“Okay.” Kelsey looked up and pointed across the room at the camper nearest to the door. Her voice rose so that they could hear her as she said, “Run to the phone and call 911. Tell them that there’s been an accident and we need and ambulance fast.” Despite the way her voice shook, everything else about her appeared calm as she opened Becca’s eyes to look at her pupils.
“Should we sit her up?” I asked, my eyes wide. I didn’t take my eyes off of Becca’s face as I spoke. It was as if I was stuck in a trance and I couldn’t pull my gaze away from her face.
“No, we aren’t going to move her. We’ll wait for the ambulance to get here. They’ll know what to do.”
It felt like I had been sitting on the floor, staring at Becca’s slack jawed mouth and purple tinted eyelids for a lifetime before the EMTs showed up. The sound of the siren resonated through the air as the ambulance entered camp, and it wasn’t long afterwards that Gage and one of his coworkers came running in. Finally, I looked away from Becca as I moved so Gage could take my place. The two guys got to work, flashing a light in her eyes, checking her pulse, and doing a number of other things to which Becca was unresponsive to everything. Jess and Willow huddled around me, all of us worried about Becca as she was loaded onto a stretcher and carried out of the dining hall.
We followed after them, staying close, but not close enough to be in the way. From our distance, I overheard Gage tell Kelsey that they needed to take her back to the hospital and asked if Kelsey would inform her parents so that they could meet them there. There was a bunch of other medical speak that I didn’t understand, until he said that it seemed like she’d had a heart attack, which he tied to a few things including anorexia. He and Kelsey spoke for a second longer before he hopped into the drivers seat and drove off, the siren blaring through the mountains.
Gage’s words replayed on a loop in my head. All of the medical jargon was freaking me out, and I couldn’t stop worrying about whether or not Becca was going to be okay. When I felt my eyes watering, I let go of Jess and Willow and ran into the woods, wanting to be away from anyone and everyone. My thoughts were swirling around me as I ran, pumping my legs harder and harder until I was going as fast as I could go. I hadn’t realized where I was running until I got to paradise and the sound of the waterfall broke my thoughts. I didn’t stop until I was standing on the dock, and then I dropped to a crouch and allowed myself to cry.
I didn’t understand how it was that I had gotten so close to Becca and I hadn’t even realized that she was going through the same thing I was. We were both struggling with eating disorders, and yet I had been oblivious to hers while she had known about mine. What kind of friend was I to not have realized something so important? I had been so absorbed by my own problems that I had ignored hers.
There was a voice inside of me that wondered how I hadn’t known, but then there was something telling me that it wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t blame myself for everything. Becca had kept her eating disorder a secret, just as I had done with mine. If it hadn’t been for that night in the bathroom then she would have never even known about mine. I was reminded then of the day after, when she had woken me up early to come to the waterfall. There had been a moment when Becca had stared at me with a sad expression on her face, and it had seemed like she wanted to tell me something before she thought better of it. I wondered now if she had wanted to confess and confide in me. It was selfish, but I was glad that she hadn’t, because then, if I had known and not said anything, it really would have been my fault.
I hastily swiped away the tears that dripped down my cheeks when I heard footsteps approaching. I was surprised when I looked up to see Kelsey walking toward me.
“Can I join you?” she asked when she reached me.
I nodded, but remained quiet.
Kelsey sat down next to me, just looking out over the water in silence. After a moment, she sighed and looked at me. “You know it’s not your fault, right?”
I nodded again.
“Good. The only person who could’ve said anything was Becca. She needed help, and now she’s going to get it.”
“I just wish I could’ve helped her. I didn’t even know,” I mumbled, wiping away more tears. My voice cracked when I spoke.
Kelsey placed her hand on my back. It was comforting knowing that she was here for me. “I know. I wish I could have helped her too. She was my responsibility, and look what happened.”
Now it was my turn to comfort her. I turned my head towards her, taking in the wisps of hair that had fallen from her usually perfect ponytail and the way her eyes glistened, like she was about to cry too. It was strange seeing perfect, put-together Kelsey look so human. She was the person who watched after us and was there when we needed her, and now she needed us. “It wasn’t your fault either,” I urged.
Kelsey sucked in a deep breath and gave me a sad smile. “I know, but it’s hard not to think it is. I knew she had an eating disorder last year. She attended the outpatient therapy and group therapy too. Something similar happened last year to another camper, her friend Allison, but this year when Becca came back she seemed so much healthier and happier. I thought that she had learned from Allison’s tragedy and healed. I thought the new programs and requirements of going to therapy and everyone attending every meal would change things, but I guess not.”
I bit my lip. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond to that, so I just remained quiet. Honestly, I didn’t think there was anything I could really say. I just knew that I was happy that I was finally getting help for my problem. I was going to beat bulimia and change my lifestyle. Not only for me, but also for Becca, so that I could be an example to her and show her that there was a better way of living, and this wasn’t it. I’d learn and I’d come out stronger than ever before.
“If it’s any consolation,” I murmured, unsure if I wanted to tell Kelsey the truth at first. Though the moment I looked into her eyes and saw just how much she wanted to help us, I knew she deserved the truth. “The programs have helped me. Don’t give up, Kelsey. You can’t save everyone, but you can make a difference to everyone who comes through this camp.”
We sat in silence for a moment before Kelsey spoke again. “That means a lot to me, Abby. You have no idea.” Silence enveloped us again; only the echo of the water crashing remained. I closed my eyes to relax and recollect myself just before Kelsey stood up. “Come on, let’s get back to camp. I need to make sure the other girls are holding up okay.”
I nodded and followed after her accompanied by new resolutions, a new out look, and a brand new hope. I can beat this.