Flushing Under the Fireworks
“Oh, is that what you’re wearing to the festival?” The tone in Becca’s voice mixed with the wide-eyed expression on her face had me rethinking my Bermuda shorts and t-shirt combo.
I pulled at the shirt, adjusting it. It was a little oversized, but it was perfect for the Fourth of July festival. It even had an American flag emblazoned on the front. “Yeah…what’s wrong with it?”
Becca recoiled from my words. “What’s right with it? Do you intend on dying alone surrounded by eighty cats? Because that’s the vibe that outfit is giving me. This is the first time we’ll get to hang out with members of the opposite sex since camp started and you want to go out looking like that.”
My mouth dropped open in shock. “I honestly don’t think it’s that bad.” Even though I felt like she was overreacting, I no longer wanted to wear the outfit. How could I go out wearing something she so obviously hated? Usually I was unaffected by other people’s thoughts and opinions, but Becca’s opinion mattered to me. She was like a fashion guru. If she hated the outfit then she had to be right.
In an attempt to comfort me, she placed her hand on my shoulder and met my gaze. “I’m not trying to be mean. You’re my friend and I want you to look cute. Most people wear dresses or actual shorts to this thing. They go all out.”
“Well, this is the only thing I have to wear.” It was stupid, but I could feel my eyes getting watery, like I was on the verge of tears.
Becca must have noticed because she placed her other hand on my opposite shoulder and shook me slightly. “Come on! Cheer up. We’ll find you something to wear. What are you? A medium? I might have something.”
“A large.” My voice cracked a little when I answered. Now I really wanted to cry.
Her eyebrows furrowed. Suddenly she dropped her hands from my shoulders and spun around, heading toward her closet. Her cabin was a lot brighter and more decorated than Peyton’s and mine was, but it was also a lot messier. At least Peyton kept her mess on her side of the cabin.
Becca’s roommate was a quirky, free-spirited girl named Daisy whose wardrobe consisted of ankle length skirts and floral patterns—most of which were discarded around the room. She was more my size than Becca, but I would rather attend the firework show in the outfit I currently had on than to go in one of Daisy’s hippie outfits.
“Aha!” Becca squealed as she pulled a navy blue dress out of her closet, waving it in the air for me to see. “It’s a medium, but it’s stretchy material so I bet it’ll fit.” She tossed it at me and I caught it against my chest. “Try it on.”
I bit my lip as she stared at me, waiting for me to change, but I couldn’t do it with her watching. She raised an eyebrow at me, probably wondering why I was standing frozen on the spot. “Uh, would you mind turning around?” I asked, hating how I sounded so insecure.
I expected her to laugh or make fun of me for being afraid to change in front of her, but she didn’t. She just turned around and said, “Sure thing. Sorry. I have to get changed too.”
I let out a whoosh of air that I had been holding in. I held the dress up to myself and looked down to make sure it looked like it would fit before I tried it on. If there was one thing I hated it was trying on clothes that were too small. Thankfully it looked like it would fit, so I stripped out of my shirt quickly and tugged the dress on over my head. Once it was on, I slipped off my shorts and turned my attention to Becca who was half naked, tugging on a pair of white shorts. “I’m dressed.”
She turned around instantly. A black lace bra covered her tiny boobs, and her flat stomach looked like the kind shown in fashion magazines—flat, tan, and toned. When I first started gaining weight I used to go through magazines and cut out pictures of my ideal body parts. There was a scrapbook hidden in my closet that was full of clippings of different model’s stomachs, legs, butts, etc. Becca’s stomach was more perfect than all of my clippings and I was envious of that.
When she saw me, her expression lit up. “Oh my god, Abby. You look hot.”
My cheeks burned at her compliment. “Are you sure?” I held my arms out at my sides and spun around slowly. “I don’t look flabby?”
“Flabby?” She giggled and shook her head. “Definitely not. You look beautiful.”
The dress felt a little tight on my chest, but it wasn’t unbearable. I readjusted one of the straps and tugged at the hem to pull it down a little. Becca laughed as I did it, but I didn’t care. I had never been a fan of short dresses, and thankfully this one stopped a little past mid-thigh or I’m not sure I would have had the confidence to go through with wearing it to the festival.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” She turned around to grab her shirt. When she was dressed, she faced me again and held her arms out at her sides. “What do you think?” Her outfit consisted of a pair of white shorty shorts and an American flag patterned top that was cut into fringes at the bottom.
“You look very festive,” I answered. “Cute.”
“Thanks. What shoe size do you wear?”
“Seven.”
Her eyes widened. “Perfect!” Excited squeals filled the room as she dug around in a pile of discarded clothes in search of something. Finally, she stood and thrusted a pair of black sandals at me. “Wear these.”
I put on the sandals as she slipped her feet into a pair of flip-flops. There was a pit in my stomach as I waited for her to grab all of the items she claimed she needed and shoved them into a tiny backpack. As she bustled around, she told me about the fireworks show, the guys she knew from school who were meeting up with us, and all the great music and food.
“It sounds like it’ll be a fun night.”
She paused in her rummaging to give me a dramatic nod. “Oh, trust me it is. And I’m kind of hard to please.”
I raised an eyebrow and gestured at my previous outfit that was now one of the many piles of clothing that was scattered on the cabin floor. “You think?”
One exaggerated eye roll and a sassy comment later and we were leaving her cabin and headed for the bathrooms. Becca refused to be seen until she was wearing her usual makeup.
We entered the bathroom and instantly divided and conquered. Becca hustled over to the mirror that stretched across the wall above the sinks and I pushed my way into a stall to relieve my bladder. By the time I was heading to the sink to wash my hands, Becca was applying the finishing touches to her makeup. Her hand was steady as she swiped mascara onto her already long lashes.
“You don’t even need makeup,” I commented, reaching for the paper towel dispenser to dry my hands.
Becca scoffed. “Yeah right. Without makeup I look sickly.” I shook my head in disbelief and her green eyes zeroed in on me in the mirror. “I’m serious. You don’t need makeup since your complexion is basically perfect. I wish I was as tan as you are,” Becca trilled.
It was my turn to scoff. “You are tan! This is my natural skin tone, so that doesn’t count. You’d probably be this tan too if you were mixed.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s true.” She dabbed on some clear lip gloss and then pulled away to examine herself. Obviously satisfied, she began shoving her makeup back into her little backpack before fluffing her hair. “Ready?”
“Yep.”
We left the bathroom and headed toward the center of camp to take the path that led from the main area to the lake.
“Are you excited?” she asked, glancing at me from the corner of her eye, probably trying to read my expression.
I nodded. “Are you?”
“Yeah, I guess. It’s always fun, but it’s also always the same thing. I’m excited, but I also can’t wait to move away from here to someplace cool like California and do something different every summer.” Her gaze flicked to me. “That’s stupid, isn’t it?”
“Not at all.” Our footfalls were soft on the dirt path as we neared the pathway to the lake. “I get that. You’ve lived in the same place your whole life and you’re just ready to get away. It makes sense. I’ve traveled before and even I still want to explore and see more of the world.”
She cracked a smile, probably happy I understood her desire to travel. We walked in silence for a while. Sunlight filtered through the treetops overhead, illuminating our path through the dim woods. It was nearly time for the sun to set, and shadows were cast all around us. The sound of music pumping in the distance mixed with the chirping of crickets and the grasshoppers’ song was peaceful and soothing. The noise alone reminded me of past summers. The only thing missing was the smell of chlorine and burgers on the grill. As we walked out from beneath the tree’s canopy into the clearing that surrounded the lake, everything came into view at once.
A makeshift stage had been erected at the farthest area away from the lake, just before the line of trees, and a band was performing on it. A crowd of townsfolk were in front of the stage, some standing and swaying to the music while others were sitting in the grass eating and talking. Not far from the stage, alongside the picnic tables, were grills and tables filled with food. My stomach growled at the smell of hotdogs and hamburgers that floated through the air. We hadn’t eaten dinner at our usual time so that we could all eat here.
“Gum?” Becca held out a stick to me and I graciously accepted.
In a flash I had the gum unwrapped and was popping it into my mouth. “Thanks.”
“Sure thing.” She pointed a finger at the lake where some people were swimming. There was one single kayak floating in the water. “Whoever’s in that boat is going to have the best seats in the house when the fireworks start.”
“Lucky them.”
“I know right. Imagine how romantic that would be.” Tilting her head to the side and holding her hands over her heart, she sighed loudly. “I would just swoon if Jake did something sweet like that for me.”
I turned my head so quickly I almost got whiplash. Raising an eyebrow at her, I said, “Jake? Come on, spill. Why have you been holding out on me?”
There was a starry twinkle in her eye and a hint of a smile on her lips. “It’s nothing.”
“Nothing?” I feigned a laugh. “Doesn’t seem like nothing.”
She remained indifferent. “Well it is nothing, but I wish it wasn’t. He treats me like a little kid.” Her eyes rolled so hard they looked like they were going to fall out of their sockets.
“Well then make him see that you aren’t a little kid. Be bold.”
Becca’s eyes flickered to me as something lit up in them. “You’re right.”
I shrugged and laughed. “It’s all the therapy. I’m getting good at giving advice.”
Becca giggled at my words, and I was thankful that she hadn’t read farther into them. She knew I attended group therapy once a week, but she didn’t know about my private sessions in town. That was something I wanted to keep a secret.
Completely unaware of my internal dilemma, Becca began pushing her boobs upwards. They were so small that even in her extra padded bra they were non-existent. She had a petite body type—the kind of shape that curvy girls like me would kill for. It was ironically funny that Becca had no boobs and wanted them, while I had enough to share and didn’t want them. It was as if God was playing a little joke on us. I bet he was having a good laugh at our expense right now.
“I’m going to go find Jake,” Becca said after another moment of poking and prodding and shifting her chest around. “Wanna come with?”
The smell of grilled meat was making my mouth water. “Actually, I think I’m going to go grab some dinner. Want to meet up afterwards and fill me in on what happened?”
“Yeah, I’ll find you before the fireworks start.”
With that, Becca turned and headed off in the direction of a bunch of high schoolers. All of which were laughing, playing Frisbee, and sipping from soda cans. I waited only a moment, watching so I could see what Jake looked like. When Becca joined a group of guys, holding her head high and looking as confident as ever, she looped her arm around one guys waist and leaned into him. I envied her poise as she looked up at the shaggy haired brunette and smiled. It wasn’t long before they were walking away from the group, and I hoped everything worked out for her.
There was a fluttering in my stomach of a feeling I couldn’t quite place my finger on—guilt maybe. Seeing my new friend with the guy she liked made me think of my old friend and what happened with the guy she had liked. It was as if my guilt over what had happened just a week before I left Arizona was haunting me. No matter what I did, or how far I escaped for the summer, I knew that I’d eventually have to face India again. We had been best friends for so long and she was the only person who was ever truly there for me, even when I gained weight and my personality changed. When I became a Debbie Downer, she was there to balance out my negativity with her positivity. And then, like everything else in my life, I had to go and ruin it.
I turned on my heel, looking away from Becca and Jake, and following the smell of the cooking meat. The tables that were set up were filled with food. My stomach growled as I piled my plate high with two hamburgers on hamburger buns, one hot dog no bun, a spoonful of baked beans, two pieces of corn on the cob, and enough potato salad to leave no empty space on the plate. As soon as I was finished filling my plate, I hurried off towards a secluded picnic table just beneath a low hanging tree and took a seat. I hadn’t even eaten any of the food yet, I was just embarrassed by how much was on my plate.
I ate fast, barely giving myself time to chew before swallowing each bite. All the while I kept thinking about how horrified I would be if Becca showed up to join me and saw me stuffing my face. That thought only made me eat faster. When I finally spooned my last bite of potato salad into my mouth, my stomach was so full that it hurt. But for some reason, that feeling of all of the food sitting in my stomach didn’t stop me as I went back to the food table and helped myself to another plate. This time, instead of hamburgers and hotdogs I got barbecue ribs and grilled chicken. Then I filled the empty spaces on my plate with scoop after scoop of gooey macaroni and cheese.
By the time I finished eating my second plate, there were tears in my eyes. I was just so disgusted in myself. Why don’t I have any willpower? My stomach ached, a reminder of how revolting I was, as I hurried to throw my empty plate in the trash. Then, walking as fast as I could without alarming anyone, I made my way across the field and toward the path that lead back to camp. As soon as I was hidden by the trees, I started running.
The tears were falling faster now, dropping to the ground at my feet. I didn’t stop until I got to the bathroom. As I entered, the first few fireworks started going off, exploding overhead as I rushed into a stall and dropped to my knees in front of the toilet. I reached my fingers into the back of my throat, digging around until finally I found release. My eyes bulged and tears fell into the toilet along with the contents of my stomach. I was ashamed at myself for being so weak, but leaning over the toilet I began to feel better—more in control.
A feeling of euphoria washed over me as I finished and stared at the chunks of food swirling around in the toilet. With a deep breath, I wiped my mouth and stood up on shaky legs. I flushed the toilet to get rid of the evidence and then I exited the bathroom stall.
My vision was still blurry from my tears, but not so blurry that I didn’t see Becca standing a few feet away from me. Her wide green eyes were the size of saucers as she stared at me, frozen on the spot. I could feel myself shaking. I didn’t know whether she was going to run to turn me in, or judge me. Honestly, her judging me would have been the worse of the two considering how much I valued her friendship.
We stared at each other for a moment longer before Becca blinked twice, as if coming out of a daze, and then walked into a bathroom stall. As soon as she was inside, I hurriedly washed my hands and rinsed out my mouth before making a beeline to the exit. The fireworks still exploded overhead, crackling and fizzling in the sky as I speed walked to my cabin to write in my journal.