The show must go on, isn’t that how the old adage goes? It’s been two days since I’ve seen Rex, but that doesn’t mean jack. I’m still as heated as ever.
We caravanned with Brian and Liv down here to Orlando on Wednesday for Thursday’s live televised event, Thursday Tension. Anna and Liv seem to be hitting it off well, and I love watching her around Kami. It allows me to see her tenderness on full display.
I rub my face as thoughts of what having my own family with Anna might be like cross my mind. Shit. I have to stop thinking like this—I’m poison, and no kid deserves to have a father who will eventually taint them.
It runs in my blood to fuck up lives, which is what I’ll probably end up doing to Anna, but I’m too much of a selfish prick to walk away from her.
Anna sits on the bench across from me as I lift some free weights, gazing into my eyes. “You okay?”
“Fine. Just focusing on the match,” I bite out between rep counts, trying to shield her from what’s really on my mind. I don’t need her knowing that she’s got my head all twisted up with ideas of things I can never have.
Hell, before her, I never wanted a family, or a wife either.
I continue my reps when I notice Rex across the gym, staring at Anna intently. My first instinct is to run over there and poke his eyeballs out with my fingers so he can never look at her again, but I restrain myself, because Anna’s right. I have to learn to control my shit, or else Rex is going to get exactly what he wants—me out of the company.
Anna’s face twists as she glances down at her phone.
I don’t like seeing her sad. “What’s the frown for, beautiful?”
She shakes her head. “I checked my bank balance. It looks pretty scary.”
I pause for a brief second. I told Jimmy to wire some money to her account yesterday. It better be in there.
“What’s it say?”
“It says I have over thirty thousand dollars, that can’t be right. I’m going to have to call the bank.”
I set the dumbbells onto the rack. “That’s no mistake. I had the money wired to your account.”
Her shoulders drop and she frowns. “Xavier, I can’t accept that.”
I wipe my face with a towel. “Yes, you can.”
“Xavier…it doesn’t feel right to take money from you. Not now. Not after we…”
I set my eyes sternly on hers so she knows this isn’t up for discussion. “You’re mine. I take care of what’s mine. End of story.”
She opens her mouth in what I expect to be another protest, but when I raise my eyebrow she closes it and sighs. “There’s no fighting you on this, is there?”
“Nope,” I say, popping my lips on the “p” sound.
“Fine, but no more deposits. That’s enough money to last me a year.”
I chuckle and shake my head. “I’m not agreeing to that.”
Anna rolls her eyes, but I know I’ve won. She can’t fight me too hard when all I want to do is take care of her.
I turn around to stretch to get ready for my match, and I notice that fucker Rex is still staring at my girl. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to go without saying anything. It’s not like me to hold back, and it’s taking a lot of fucking willpower to do it right now.
The stage manager walks in and points at me. “X, you’re up.”
I nod. “Thanks.”
I grab a bottle of water off the rack, and I glance over at Rex. His eyes meet mine and the fucker has the nerve to smirk. He knows the minute I walk out of this room there won’t be anyone around to defend Anna.
I can’t leave her alone back here.
I grab her hand and pull her up. “Come on. You’re going with me.”
Her brow furrows. “Where?”
“To the ring,” I tell her. “I won’t be able to focus, because I’ll be too worried about what’s going on back here. I need you where I can see you. You can stand in my corner ringside during the match.”
I pull her with me down the hall toward the backstage curtain, not giving her a chance to argue.
“I can’t go out there like this,” she complains.
I glance down at the jean shorts and tank top that has my face plastered across it. Her brown hair falls over her shoulders in soft waves, and I find myself instantly confused as to why she thinks there’s anything wrong with her.
“Stop. You look fucking amazing,” I tell her honestly.
She bites her lip, and I groan. She has no clue how sexy she is when she does that. It makes me want to nip that pouty lip of hers. Little shit like that drives me fucking crazy.
My entrance music starts, and Anna tenses next to me.
I lean over and whisper in her ear, “Stick with me. You’re going to be fine.”
I kiss her cheek and then pull her through the black curtain with me.
Tonight’s sold-out crowd is insane. There are faces in every direction I turn. I love this. This is where I thrive. I feel the fucking love these people have for me, and it pumps me up to work hard to keep their approval. It’s a high that cannot be duplicated.
Smoke wafts around me and I pull Anna to the center. “Stay here so you’re clear of the pyro.”
She nods, and I kneel down in front of her as the fireworks explode around us and I leap to my feet and toss my arms out to my side, straining every muscle within me as I howl. The crowd joins in and while I wear my predatory face for the masses, inside, I’m smiling.
I grab Anna’s hand and pull her down to the ring. I’m going to catch hell from the company for this when the match is over, but it’ll be worth it to have her by my side.
“Making his way to the ring, from Detroit, Michigan, weighing two hundred and sixty-five pounds, he is…Phenomenal X!” the announcer says as we walk down the ramp to my already waiting opponent.
“Stay here.” I kiss Anna’s cheek and leave her in the corner, standing on the floor, before jumping up onto the ring and slipping through the ropes.
My opponent, Dexter, is young and hungry, but he’s no real match for me. He’s about three inches shorter than my six-foot-four stature and I’ve got at least thirty pounds on him. The writers instructed me to make this match seem like a challenge because they have big plans to move this young man up in the biz, and they need the crowd on his side.
I stare down the blond-haired man and turn my head from side to side. The crowd loves these intense showdowns, and it makes them cheer for me even harder. The sound of them chanting my name echoes around the arena and gets my adrenaline pumping.
We begin circling one another, and the kid impresses me by making the first move. We hook up with our arms in a test of strength. At first I allow him to push me a bit to sell it to the crowd, but then he gets cocky and tries to move me into an armbar.
Time to teach this motherfucker who’s boss in this ring. No one attempts to overpower me and get away with it. Company or not, I’m teaching this prick a quick lesson in pain.
I laugh and shove him back hard against the ropes. His eyes widen as I bring a big forearm across his chest and knock the wind out of him, only to pin him against the ropes and say just loud enough for him to hear, “Welcome to my house.”
I hit him one more time before he falls down with a hard thud. His chest rises and falls rapidly as he stares up at the lights burning down on us from overhead.
I reach down and grab a handful of his hair, forcing him to get up. “No time to rest, chump.”
When he stands, I kick him in the shin with my boot and then ram an elbow hard into his gut. He groans and grabs his midsection. The second he bends over, I seize my opportunity and hook an arm around his leg and hoist him up on my shoulders.
The crowd gets to their feet as I fall backwards, slamming Dexter’s back against the mat so hard the entire ring shakes. A collective sound of the crowd empathizing with his pain fills the arena and I know this match is about to end. The kid can’t take much more.
I roll over and pin his shoulders without any resistance and the referee falls to the ground and begins to count.
“One…two…three.”
The place erupts, and I’m unsure how it doesn’t physically blow the roof off the place with the energy radiating off the crowd. I raise my arms in victory as my music plays.
“Winner of this contest is…Phenomenal X!” the announcer calls out, and I smirk at the crowd as if it were even a contest at all.
I strut over to the corner and before I climb up the turnbuckles for my trademark moves after winning a battle, I reach through the ropes. I want to share this moment with her.
Anna stares at my hand with wide green eyes. “Come celebrate with me.”
She takes my hand, and I sit on the rope, widening it for her to get inside as the crowd begins to catcall. My woman is damn fine, and I’m ready for the world to know she’s mine.
Anna sets foot inside the ring with me, and I pull her into my arms, and kiss her square on the mouth for the world to see before I climb the ropes and howl again, suddenly thankful for this amazing life I’ve been given.
The crowd continues to go crazy as they celebrate with me.
After I finish my portion of the show, I help Anna back out of the ring, and we walk hand in hand up the ramp to get backstage.
The moment we pass through the curtain, I pull her into my arms, and she giggles. “That was amazing, Xavier. What a rush!”
I kiss her lips. “I loved having you out there with me.”
“Good,” a cold voice says, interrupting our intimate moment. “From now on she’s a part of the show.”
My gaze jerks over to my boss, who is standing there openly watching us, wearing his silver suit that matches his hair and name with a scowl on his face. I raise my eyebrows and instantly know I’m in deep shit. Mr. Silverman never speaks to the staff unless he’s promoting or firing one of us.
“Come again, sir?” I ask.
He shoves his hand into his jacket pocket. “You took your lady friend out to the ring, inadvertently making her a part of the show. Her contract is being written up as we speak. We can’t run the risk of having you take her out there again without one. I don’t like lawsuits, Mr. Cold.”
I hadn’t thought about that, but I like the idea of her being in my corner every time. “Will she need to sign today?”
“Take her to legal and then hit the showers. I want this taken care of before you leave tonight.”
“Yes, sir,” I reply as he turns to walk away.
Mr. Silverman pauses mid-stride and pivots on his heel. “One more thing. When the writers tell you to do something, you do it. I’m very disappointed that you didn’t give the fans a longer match.”
Fuck.
“It won’t happen again, sir.”
He nods. “See that it doesn’t. I want you following the script to a ‘T’, if you expect to keep your job here.”
“I will. You can count on that.”
That answer seems to appease him, because he smiles before he leaves us. Mr. Silverman never smiles, so it takes me back a bit. That man is always so fucking serious.
I squeeze Anna in my arms. “This is great news. Now you can be in my corner every match and get paid for it.”
She raises her eyebrows. “Really? That’s a dream job.”
I sigh. “It is, until they want you to do something physical. That’s where I’m going to draw the line, beautiful. I won’t have you getting hurt on my watch. If they ask you to do that, I want you to quit.”
She nods. “Okay, but I’ll still be able to come with you backstage, right?”
“Of course, but you won’t be able to go ringside any longer.”
“Seems fair.”
I can’t believe, for the first time in my life, things are actually working out in my favor. I have a career I love, and the woman I adore at my side. Life can’t get any fucking sweeter.
Anna and I walk into the hotel holding hands. I like that we are always touching. It’s nice to feel so connected to her.
A small crowd of about ten people loiter in the lobby. No matter where we go, fans are tipped off as to where we’re staying, Not that I’m complaining. Fans coming to shows and buying shirts with my face on them go toward my paycheck, so I have no problem giving them a few minutes of my day.
The crowd swarms us instantly, and I begin posing for pictures and signing autographs. Anna steps back and allows the fans to have their moment with me. A small boy around the age of ten sits in a wheelchair, wearing a baseball cap with my stage name across it.
I kneel down beside him and take the poster and marker he’s holding. “What’s your name, little man?”
“Xavier!” he giggles. “Just like you.”
The short, curvy brunette wearing glasses nudges his arm. “It is not, Johnny.” Her eyes flick to mine. “Sorry. You’re his hero, and he always wants to be just like you.”
I smile and wink at the kid. “Johnny’s a pretty awesome name too.”
“You think so?” Johnny’s eyes gleam with excited.
“I do. Here you go.” I hand him back his things with my autograph.
“Thank you so much, Mr. Cold. This will mean so much to him. Ever since his mother died, he’s really locked himself into a shell. The only time he’s happy is when he’s watching you on TV,” the woman with him tells me.
My lips pull into a tight line. I wish I had some encouraging words to tell the kid, like the pain gets easier with time, but then I’d be a fucking liar and I don’t want to do that. So I give a very generic response.
“Happy to help.” I wave to the rest of the crowd. “I have to get going. Nice to meet you all.”
Panic sets in when I don’t spot Anna right away. My eyes scan the lobby for her, and I quickly spot her talking to an older Latino man in the corner of the room.
I flex my fingers as I stalk toward them. I don’t allow anyone to bother Anna.
She doesn’t see me when I step up behind her, but the man glowers over her shoulder at me. Pops better pipe down and wipe that expression off his face, before I do it for him.
“Is he why you ran away from home?” The man’s lip curls up. “This is so unlike you, Anna.”
Oh shit. This is her father—the father who she says hates her.
My entire body stiffens. Father or not, I won’t allow him to lay a finger on her again.
Anna glances back at me then returns her gaze to her father. “You don’t know anything about me, or what I want.”
“You’re my daughter, I know what’s best for you.” He grabs her elbow. “Jorge said he’ll take you back. When we get back you can fix things between the two of you.”
Without thinking, I shove his hand off her.
“Don’t fucking touch her,” I growl. “I saw what you did when you laid your hands on her last time. You will not put another goddamn bruise on her again.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “I don’t like your tone, or what you’re implying. I’ll have you know I’m a Christian man. I only inflict physical punishment when necessary. It’s my right as her father.”
My nostrils flair, and my blood boils beneath my skin. “That’s fucking bullshit. Going to church does not justify beating another person. You’ll never get another chance to touch Anna, I fucking promise you that.”
Her father has the same look in his eye that most men do when I threaten them.
Fear.
I lift my chin and stare down at him, letting him know he’s not taking her anywhere.
Her father shakes his head and points at me. “This? You left your entire family for him? This tattooed punk.”
His words don’t bother me. I’ve been called far worse in my life.
“Don’t talk about him like that,” Anna fires back.
“The man’s a low-life. He will do nothing but destroy your life.” He grabs her arm again and rage fills me.
Before I can shove him off her again, Anna yanks her arm away. “I love him, and I’m not leaving with you.”
My breath catches at the same time as her father drops his mouth in shock.
She loves me? How is that fucking possible? The only person I ever loved in my life—the person I would have done anything for—used my love against me.
I can’t go through that again.
I won’t go through that again.
It’s wrong for her to love me. I don’t deserve it. She doesn’t deserve what loving someone like me will do to her.
Her father’s right. I will destroy her.
But I refuse to allow him to take her. He could hurt her, and I promised that I wouldn’t allow anyone to do that.
I stiffen next to her.
“You can’t possibly love him. You haven’t known him long enough.” Her father stares at her through narrowed eyes. “If you don’t come home with me right now, forget about ever coming back.”
Anna folds her arms over her chest. “Consider it already forgotten.”
“Unbelievable,” he mutters to himself. “You’ll regret this, Anna, when he doesn’t want you anymore.”
Her father doesn’t say another word before he pivots on his heel and storms toward the exit.
Anna stands with her back to me and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry about that. He’s angry with me, and he took it out on you. I’m sorry for the hurtful things he said.”
I grip her shoulders and pull her back against my chest as I kiss the top of her head. “I’ve got pretty thick skin, beautiful. I’ll admit what you said shocked the hell out of me, though.”
She turns in my arms so she can peer up at me. “I know that wasn’t the best way for you to find out how I feel about you, but I couldn’t help telling him how much you mean to me.”
“Anna…I—” She shoves her fingers against my lips, effectively cutting me off.
“Don’t,” she says. “You don’t have to say anything. I know it probably scares you that I love you. It scares me too, but I can’t help the way I feel. So, please, don’t shut this down yet.”
I swallow hard. In only a couple of weeks this girl knows me pretty well. I should tell her that her father was right, and that she should’ve listened to me when I warned her off when we first met, but damn if I don’t want to. I’m a selfish bastard, and I’m not ready to give up what I feel when I’m around her. From the very beginning I’ve relished being surrounded by the goodness that’s in her, and now that I know she loves me, the monster inside me that craves that emotion will never allow me to let her go, even if that’s what’s best for her.
She removes her fingers and presses a soft kiss against my lips.
“Take me upstairs.”
I nod and grab her hand, unable to deny her sweet request, because more than anything else, I need to feel her against me. I need to know she’s real. I’ve never deserved love—my grandmother made sure to pound that into my thick skull—and I most certainly don’t deserve Anna’s, but by God I’m going to fucking take it and hold onto it as long as I can.
Because I know she’s the only person in the world who’s ever felt this way about me.
The front door opens and closes. I hold my breath as I lie in the corner of the living room on the hardwood floor, beneath the one blanket that Grandmother gave me to sleep with.
Mom stumbles in and locks the door behind her. She stares up the steps like she’s debating on whether or not she can make it to the top without falling. Today is the fourth day she has been gone, and her coming back now means she’s either out of money, or the drug source she found for the last few days has run dry.
Mom grips the railing of the step and sighs before she shoves herself away and heads my direction.
She plops down on the couch and rubs her face. The soft glow of the streetlights outside slip through the curtains and illuminate her face. Her hair is matted and there’s dirt all over her face. I don’t know where she’s been but from the looks of her, she’s been living hard outside somewhere. Leaves cling to the flannel shirt she’s wearing, and her blue eyes appear lost and tired.
She blinks slowly a few times before she pivots on the couch and makes eye contact with me.
“Xavier? Baby, why are you sleeping on the floor?” she questions with a slight gravel in her voice, like she’s nearly lost her voice.
I clutch the blanket against my chest. “Grandmother told me to sleep here until you got home.”
She raises her hand slowly like it’s taking a lot of effort and then pats the cushion next to her. “That’s silly. You come up here and sleep with me.”
“Mama, I’m eight now. I’m big. We won’t both fit,” I say, wishing that we could.
“Don’t be silly,” she says in that dreamy tone she always has when she’s high. “Come snuggle with your mama. I’ve missed you.”
I push my body up and drag my blanket along with me. I sit next to my mother before she pulls me down with her as she covers us up with the blanket. She smells of vomit, body odor, and cigarette smoke, but I don’t care. She’s my safe haven, and the only person in this world I love.
“Xavier, promise me you’ll always be at this house. I want to always be able to find you here,” Mama whispers as she strokes my hair.
I close my eyes, relishing in the moment. “I’ll wait here forever for you, Mama.”
She pats my head. “That’s my good boy. I love you.”
For the first time in a long time, I feel peace wash over me. Maybe tomorrow will be the day she decides to stop living life on the edge and clean herself up.
Nothing would be better than that.
Sleep comes easy because tonight, unlike most nights, I’m completely relaxed, feeling safe in her arms.
I don’t move an inch all night, and the sound of birds chirping outside wakes me. For a moment I forget where I am. I’m not used to sleeping on something soft—my bed is always on the floor—and I don’t remember sleeping with something cold beside me.
My eyes pop open, and my breath catches in my chest as I find myself still wrapped in my mama’s arms.
Her cold, lifeless arms.
I freeze and panic engulfs me.
“No. No. No.” I shake my head and nudge her. “Mama? Mama, please!”
If Grandmother finds out that I allowed this to happen to her, she’ll kill me.
I sit up and shake her. “Come on, wake up.”
My mind flashes to something I saw on television once, and I quickly press my lips to her chilled ones. I blow a puff of air into her mouth, but nothing seems to be happening, so I try again.
Tears flow down my cheeks.
This can’t be real. The one person I love in this world can’t be gone.
I refuse to give up. I’ll keep putting air into her as long as it takes.
The next thing I know I’m being jerked back by the hair on my head.
“Get back, you little beast! Look what you’ve done!” Grandmother wails.
She falls to her knees beside the couch and throws herself across mama’s body and sobs. “Gina. My sweet, Gina. Why did you allow a demon inside you?”
I attempt to slink off the couch. Maybe if I can hide somewhere good, she won’t hit me today.
The cushion underneath me moves a bit and the couch creaks. Grandmother’s eyes flash to me, and they narrow instantly.
“You! You did this to my baby!”
For an older woman she’s fast. She jumps to her feet and wraps her hands around my neck, squeezing hard.
I gasp for air, but everything around me begins fading in and out of view.
“If she’d never loved you, she’d still be alive. You ruined her life. You’re the one who should be dead. Not her! Not my Gina!” she shrieks and tightens her grip.
The darkness flows over my eyes, and for the first time, I welcome death.
Hands shake me vigorously. “Xavier, wake up. Please. You’re scaring me.”
My eyes open at the sound of Anna’s sweet voice, and I scramble back against the headboard of the bed to get away from her touch. My chest heaves as I stare at her with wide eyes.
Dreams like that are so fucking real. They take me right back to the place in my life I try so desperately to shut out.
Sweat rolls down my chest and onto the sheet wrapped around my body. I need to get my mind off this shit. I have to forget.
I jump off the bed and fall to the floor on my stomach. I begin doing push-ups as fast as I can, needing the burn. I wish Anna wasn’t here to see this. I don’t need her to know how weak I am inside—how broken I am.
Just like before, she sits next to me on the floor and watches me. After a few moments her hand reaches out to mine in an attempt to comfort me.
I close my eyes. That little bit of contact with her feels so good.
“Will you talk to me about what happens when you’re like this?” she asks, her voice soft.
I keep working. How can I tell her the man that she loves is bad news?
When I don’t answer, she tries again. “Please, Xavier. You can trust me.”
The sincerity in her voice makes me want to tell her. I’ve never talked about my childhood with anyone. It’s too hard.
“Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together. Let me in. I want to know all of you—good and bad.” She’s on her knees beside me now, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, attempting to calm me down.
I lie down on the ground so I don’t hurt her by accident, and she rests her chest against my back.
She smoothes my hair back and kisses the side of my head.
“I’m here to listen.”
I nod, not knowing what else to say to her.
“Do you want to tell me what you were dreaming about?”
I take a deep breath and stare straight ahead at the nightstand in front of me. “My mother died with her arms around me, and sometimes my nightmares take me back there.”
She’s quiet, allowing me to take as much time as I need. I still can’t look at her though. I don’t want to risk seeing pity in her eyes.
I debate ending my story there, but there’s a pressure in my chest, and for some crazy reason it feels like everything I’ve ever bottled up is fighting to climb out of me. Maybe Anna should know everything about me. She’s the first person who’s loved me since my mother. She needs to know what she’s in for.
“My mother was a drug addict. It was just her and me until her addiction became the main focus of her life. We were evicted from our apartment when I was eight. Mom ended up loving drugs more than anything else, and we lost everything.”
Anna squeezes my shoulders in encouragement but remains quiet.
I lick my dry lips and taste the salt on my upper lip that still lingers from my vigorous workout. “We moved in with my grandmother a few months before Mom died. My grandmother was a religious woman, but she was filled with so much rage toward me. She was convinced I was an evil seed, planted in her daughter, making her an addict. The blame was always placed on me and she took it out on me, physically. My mother’s love for her demon seed is what ruined her life, because she refused to give me up.”
I shake my head and bite back the emotion I feel creeping up on me. “That’s why I can’t love you back, Anna. My love will destroy you.”
Anna leans in and kisses my cheek. “You know that’s not true, right. No child is to blame for their parent’s sins, and what happened with your mom, that’ll never happen between us.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I whisper. “It would kill me if I did.”
She lies down beside me and gazes up at me, and for the first time in a long time I feel safe again—safe, because this amazing woman loves me.
“It will kill me if I don’t get the chance to love you,” she says as she strokes my face. “I love you, Xavier. We can make this work. We can fight our demons together. You don’t have to be afraid of what we feel for one another.”
I close my eyes and lean into her touch. “I’ll try.”
I’m sure that’s not the answer she was looking for, but it’s the best I can give until I can wrap my head around this and make sure I can keep her safe from those demons.
Even if the demon she needs protection from is me.