Alex had been doing well. He’d managed to avoid any more public panic attacks. What happened in the privacy of his own room was no one’s business but his own, but he’d taught himself to compartmentalize his fears and feelings during the day. He got through the workday with no major problems, and had worked out a routine at night to make sure he got at least six hours of sleep.

It worked, five nights out of seven. If he tossed and turned the other two nights, waking himself up from nightmares of trying to steal a few hours’ shelter on the train, or trying to scrape up bail money with two kids hanging onto his legs, no one else needed to know. He sat down dutifully to sketch for an hour or two every night before he went to sleep, and that did seem to help get his mind away from his fears.

His roommates had thrown themselves full steam ahead into party planning. They’d ordered two kegs, and splurged on an amount of booze that just seemed downright absurd to Alex. He couldn’t wrap his head around it, but it made them happy.

He wanted to cry every time he chipped in for something new, but he did owe it to the other guys to help out. Alex’s financial crisis wasn’t their fault, it was his own. He’d been the one to screw up, to get pregnant before he could afford to meet his responsibilities and raise a child, so he had to grin and bear it.

Jordan sat down with him the Friday after they told his parents, a week before the party. “Have you told your parents yet?” They were at a noodle restaurant, and Alex had immediately separated half of his meal out to save it for tomorrow. He could save a little bit of money that way, at least.

“No.” Alex looked down. “They’re starting to suspect that something’s wrong, because I’m not spending as much time on the phone with them as I should, but they don’t know yet.”

Jordan put his fork down. “Why does it have to be something wrong?”

Alex looked away. He couldn’t stand to see the disappointment in Jordan’s eyes. “Because they’ll worry, Jordan. They’ll worry about whether or not they’ll be able to make the payments on their place, and they’re right to worry. I don’t know if they can make the payments they need to. They can’t afford it if I cut back on the amount I’m sending home, you know?”

“Alex, I understand that, but this is about us. This is about our family, the one we’re starting together. Are you honestly going to tell me you want to bring two children into the world without their grandparents knowing about it at all?” Jordan gave him a hard look, and Alex felt about two feet tall.

“I know. I know.” Alex tried to catch his breath. “And I get it was hard for you to tell your parents, too. It was for different reasons, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was hard to do or the fact that it took a lot of courage to do it. I just — I’ve already let them down so much, and—”

“Whoa there, hey, let’s head that one off.” Jordan tightened his jaw. “You got a full ride to a good school. You got a good job, and you’re sending money home.”

“I should have moved back and given them more.” Alex hunched in on himself.

“No. Absolutely not. For one thing, you wouldn’t have gotten this kind of job back in Texas. For another, you have the right to live your own life.”

Jordan put his hands on the table. “Pull yourself together and think about this reasonably, would you? Were you mad when your parents couldn’t get you a big house when you first moved to Texas?”

“Don’t be absurd. They did the best they could.” Alex glared at Jordan.

“So why do you think they’re disappointed in you for not buying them a giant house somewhere? You’re helping them out, and living well below your means to do it.

“I love you, Alex. I really do. And I want to be with you. But I won’t have you making our children think they’re a problem for you. I don’t want to be considered a problem for you, either. Are we clear?”

Alex hung his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry; just don’t do it.”

Alex bit his tongue. It was all well and good for Jordan to say just don’t do it; he didn’t have the responsibility Alex did. It was downright selfish of Alex to be having a baby and setting up a life of his own while his parents’ situation was still so precarious, and they’d raised him better than that.

Of course, Jordan thought himself selfish for not going to protests, so he didn’t get arrested or hurt and risk the baby. Alex didn’t think it was selfish at all, but that was how Jordan had been raised. He was making the choice because it was best for the baby, and for their future, but he still felt guilty about it. He still felt he was letting people down.

Part of Alex wanted to scream that it wasn’t the same. Other people would step in and get arrested in Jordan’s place; it didn’t have to be his body on the front lines. Alex, being an only child, was the only person who could help to support his parents. But that wasn’t fair to Jordan, who had been more than fair to Alex, so he stayed quiet.

“Oh — I almost forgot to tell you,” Jordan said after a few minutes. “I got into a special exhibition at the MFA.”

Alex almost did a spit take. “Are you for real?”

“As real as this table.” Jordan grinned quietly. “It’s a special exhibition of up-and-coming artists from around the Boston area. It’s going to be great publicity for me — I already got a call from the Globe and from Boston magazine.”

Alex didn’t have to put any false cheer into his hug or his delighted cheer. “Make sure I get a flyer, so I can put it up at my desk.”

He clapped his hands with excitement. “I can’t send out promos on company emails or message boards, but I can put stuff up passively in the break room. Oh! And we can hand flyers out at the party and everything.”

Jordan’s eyes gleamed with pride, but he laughed. “The MFA will be filled with Allstonians and bankers. It’ll be a great mix.”

“Some of us are both,” Alex pointed out, sitting up straighter and affecting a prim posture. “Seriously, though, I’m so proud of you! I know you’ve worked hard to get to this point, even though you’re young.”

“I have.” Jordan nodded, smiling gently. “And I think it’s okay to admit it.

“Yeah, I’m young. But I have always known what I wanted to do. And I focused, and I pushed myself, and I made it happen.

“It wasn’t easy, but I’m doing it. And I’m glad my friends and my family have been here to support me.” He beamed at Alex. “And I’m glad we’re family, now.”

Alex let out a little laugh and put his head on Jordan’s shoulder. “We are, aren’t we?” He sighed happily. “It’s still kind of weird to me, you know? I’m happy, don’t get me wrong, but everything is moving so fast.” He tugged at his collar. “I might have made an appointment for us to go look at a two bedroom in Watertown this weekend.”

“Watertown?” Jordan wrinkled his nose. “Huh. I guess I’ve just never thought of Watertown as … well, as anything before. It’s worth taking a look at, if the place is within our budget.”

“It’s on the top end of our budget, but there isn’t a lot on the market in November or December. I’d rather get it done now, than try to move at the end of May when we’re eight months pregnant.” Alex made a face. “I mean, that’s just stupid, and if we can avoid hiring movers, I’d rather.”

“Fair enough. They can be expensive, and I’m not doing heavy lifting at eight months pregnant.” Jordan made a face. “So. This party. How are you doing with the whole thing?”

Alex squirmed and tried to meet Jordan’s eyes. “I’m trying to be supportive, I really am. I feel like they’ve wanted to do a party for a while, and they’ve only been holding off because of my schedule.”

Jordan pursed his lips and tilted his head, considering. “I don’t think it’s likely to be only your schedule. Devon works weird hours too, you know?”

“He does.” Alex composed himself a little better, happier now that he knew he wasn’t the only one holding them back. “I’m still just … uncomfortable with the whole thing. Costs keep skyrocketing, mostly for booze, and I can’t think who the hell they’re inviting that’s going to go through two kegs and sixteen tons of vodka in one night.” He turned back to his noodles.

“I have no idea, but they’ve got their guest list, I guess.” Jordan chuckled. “Are you telling me you’re not inviting half the bank?”

Alex cringed. “Are you insane? Very Serious Bankers who make Very Serious Money don’t throw keggers in the student ghetto. I invited Colby, so he has a chance to meet everyone in a relaxed setting, but no, the rest of the suit crowd doesn’t get to come.”

Jordan laughed. “Probably for the best. What else is on your mind?”

Alex bit his lip. “So, given that we don’t know how big this is going to get, I have to admit that I’m a little worried about police involvement. I know we’ve cut the neighbors a lot of slack, and I do mean a lot, but we’re running up into midterms, right?

“And they’re not going to care that we’ve cut them slack if they’re trying to cope with exam issues. They’re just going to care that we’re keeping them up while they’re working on papers and studying for exams. And the cops have been cracking down on booze and parties anyway, after that incident back in September, back at that frat party.”

Jordan’s eyes flashed, but he covered it. “Well, you guys aren’t inviting anyone underage, are you?”

“I have no idea.” Alex let his head fall back, so he was looking up at the ceiling. “I have no clue at all. And that’s a problem, because the cops aren’t going to care who invited the eighteen-year-old and let him fill his cup, right? They’re going to arrest the people renting the house and throwing the party.”

He picked his head up again and met Jordan’s eyes. “If my partner getting arrested would have a negative impact on my job, how much worse would it be if I got arrested for hosting a party where some dumb kid I didn’t even know got blitzed and did something stupid?”

“At least that’s something you can reasonably be expected to have some control over,” Jordan muttered.

“Except I don’t!” Alex threw his hands in the air. “I have no control over any of it — not having the party, not who they invite, not what happens at the party. The only thing I’m allowed to do is clean and to hand over money when someone comes up with his hand out, but I’ll be paying the consequences all the same when it all goes wrong. This is going to be an unmitigated disaster, and we both know it.”

Jordan shook his head. “Alex, babe, I know you’re only able to control some of this thinking. And I’m trying to be patient, I swear I am, but have you considered the possibility that things might not go wrong? That this might actually be fun, and you might not have a bad time?” He looked up through his lashes, handsome and puckish.

If Alex weren’t caught up in his fears, he’d have kissed him, right there in the restaurant. “Not really,” he said, and slumped. “I don’t want to do this. I just want to go and hide out for the night, someplace quiet and safe and nowhere near Allston.”

Jordan frowned. “I think your roommates would take that as an insult.”

“I think you’re right. I just need to figure out how much I can let myself care.” Alex massaged his temples. “I can’t keep on like this, Jordan. I can’t keep on running around in absolute terror, worried every little thing is going to leave us homeless and desperate.”

Jordan looked at him for a long time before he put his hand on Alex’s shoulder. “It’s going to be okay,” he said. “You just have to let go and let yourself trust.”

Alex let out a little sob. If only anything were that easy.