CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

“I’ll do whatever I have to for my nephew.” - Ruby

 

 

 

 

 

Ruby was numb and in agony all at once on a constant loop of grief and rage. Wicked stabs to her heart took her breath every few seconds, but she had to keep things together, keep her bones working and moving, keep her heart beating, for Sebastian’s sake.

It had been the longest five days of her life. And she never wanted to see or smell the inside of a morgue ever again. The scent of that sterile building in her nostrils, the noise of her shoes on the cold tiled floor, would stay with her forever. She knew how death worked, she’d been the one to take care of her mother’s funeral when she was little more than a teenager, was it any wonder her family let her take the reins in everything, they expected it. Now she was doing this last thing for Rita.

She had to. Keep it together, hold it in. Seb couldn’t be entrusted to anyone else, who could love that little boy more? It was preposterous the authorities even had to consider it. But it was proving difficult much to her dismay. It was life stacking up the bad news one at a time.

She’d cried so many tears this past week she was dry, deplete of feelings, like she was a giant husk, all hollow inside, the echo of her pain the only thing she could hear. She kept replaying the last words she’d said to Rita, hateful words, tired frustrated words, the sister's having their usual slanging match on the phone and now she couldn’t hear her voice anymore, no matter how hard she searched her memory, it was just gone.

The police were looking for that dickhead Dwayne, they weren’t saying why, but she knew he’d had something to do with Rita’s death, when she’d thought about it, Rita’s last text didn’t even sound like her. How could a dead woman text? Come to Colorado, you can have a life with me. If only she’d listened, god, why hadn’t she just listened for once? Ruby wanted to scream until her lungs burned, but she had to keep it together, had to keep going.

Looking over at Preacher from her vantage point on his bed, she could see him through the doorway to the bathroom, wearing a pair of low-riding gray sweatpants that hung off his hips, shaving his skull with one of those electrical clippers, small dustings of hair fell onto his shoulders and chest.

She made him her focal point, when her breastbone grew tight and achy, like she wanted to fall apart on the floor and just die alongside her sister, she made him her strength this week and he’d held her up, he’d been by her side every minute of the day and night, staying at the hospital until Seb was checked out, he held her while she cried when the child protection services took him, ensuring they’d do their best to look at her application for temporary custody, she’d hugged Seb so hard, telling him she loved him and she would see him again soon. He was four years old, all he knew was he was being left on his own.

Through it all, Preacher had been there. Her tall macho rock. Asking the questions, she couldn't think to, making sure she ate, going to places even she didn't want to go but death forced her hand, through it all he held hers and guided her forward.

The funeral. God. She’d blocked it out, couldn’t think of it, the pitiful attendance was testament how her sister had ruined her life and those that turned up were junkies, some friend legacy to leave behind. When it looked fruitless to stay in Nebraska, the CPS had let her know they’d be in touch, and so had detective Kane, they’d hopped on a plane and returned home. Helpless and empty.

Preacher’s lawyer had told her honestly her lifestyle would come into question when the CPS looked at her application, never considering she was the one person in this whole damn miserable world who loved that boy, who would go above and beyond to give him a good life, but no, they had their fucking protocols and checklists to adhere to.

Ruby was terrified she was going to lose him. What could she do?

“You doing okay, beautiful?” She hadn’t heard the clippers switch off. Her eyes rose to meet Preacher’s. She nodded and gave him what she thought was a smile. He padded forward, dropped down on his haunches in front of her, taking her cold hands in his. “I’m gonna cook up some eggs, you’ll eat.” She nodded again.

“I can do it.”

“Let me take care of you, Ruby. Just a little.”

Preacher was a sword cutting through all the mundane life for her when she was too numb to even think about it. She reached out and touched his cheek briefly, she wanted to say so much to him, tell him how grateful she was he existed and was in her life, that he’d stayed with her and let her leak all over him, she wanted to say so much and yet no words came, he turned his head and kissed the center of her palm before rising, he dropped another kiss on the top of her head.

“Asher?”

He turned at the door and gave her one of those devastating smiles of his that curled the edge of his mouth, and flooded warmth in her belly. She took the smile and made it her own, took it for herself, she needed it more than ever.

“I can’t ----I can’t remember anything good. All my good memories of everything, are gone. I can’t----I can’t remember Rita’s voice, or the last time I played with Seb and made him laugh. I fought and risked everything to give my sister a better chance in life, something other than the same path our parents took, and it was all for nothing. It feels all for nothing, she’s fucking dead and I’m so angry she left Seb, and it’s all gone and I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t even remember the last kiss you and I shared. I can’t see anything good anymore. It’s just all gone.” Her voice rose in panic, a storm building in her eyes. He came back to her instantly and crouched down, his eyes holding hers, nothing but sympathy and understanding in his touch. She clutched at his hands, racking her brains, everything in there was empty, a void of nothing and dark noise, her eyes filled with tears.

“Baby.” He pulled her in. “I have you.” He dipped his head, pressed their lips together. “That was our last kiss and just like every kiss we’ve shared, it was perfect, more than I can put into words. I love every kiss you give me and I love the promise of more kisses to come even better.” He drew her in, calmed her with a few simple words. “I have you, Ruby. it’s going to be okay, I promise. Not today, or tomorrow, but it will.”

 

 

 

******

 

 

Preacher had the forever kind in mind.  The idea of them not having forever together fucking scared him to the bones, but while he kept that in his head, he didn’t let Ruby in on it, not now, not yet. He just held her, soothed her, told her she wasn’t alone.

You could always marry her.

That happy maniacal thought had buzzed around his skull all week, wondering if he should bring it up to her, the graver updates they received from Archie the closer he was to laying it down as an offer to the table. Ruby was holding on by a thread, any more bad news regarding that kid she was gonna lose it and he wouldn’t see that happen.

He made her food and managed to talk her into a nap in the living room.

And then Preacher sat on the opposite couch and watched her sleep. And did some thinking of his own.

Only when she stirred two hours later, unfurling like a little kitten, he watched the planes of her face change, from relaxed and serene to that first gut punch of realization, everything coming back into her mind all at once, her brows dropped and she took a shuddered breath.

He knew that feeling well. It would live with her every sleep for a long time. Every time she woke it would hit her all over again.

“Hey, Beautiful, good nap?”

Her eyes found him. Smiled. “Yeah. Was I out for long?”

“You needed it.”

“I need to get back to work.” She yawned, slipped her feet out of the blanket, rested them on the floor.

“Otis understands. So, does Rider.”

“I know, but I need something to do.”

It was now or never.

“Come and sit over here, Ruby. I want to talk to you about something.”

“Oh?” Wary eyes.

“It’s nothing bad.” He gestured her over with his hand and fuck him, she came right away, took his fingers, allowed him to pull her down onto his lap and she curled there right into his chest, causing a forest fire of feelings.

“You know all the stuff Archie has talked to you about?”

“About how my circumstances make it more difficult but not impossible, to gain custody of Seb?”

“Yeah. Well, we … I have a solution or something that can’t hurt towards your case in getting him. And know, before I tell you, this is me wanting to help you, baby. I’ll do anything I can, you know that?”

She smiled shyly, a look he’d rarely seen on her face, his Ruby was usually the confidence in the room, the smartass, and the snark-queen. He took her chin and tipped it up. “I think we should get married, Ruby.”

The pin dropped and the noise was earthquake loud.

She gaped at him like he was suddenly speaking a foreign language. Preacher smiled worried and kissed her nose. “This is what finally renders you mute?”

“I. Well. I.”

“All good choices, beautiful.” He laughed and felt better about it suddenly now he saw she was nervous as well.

“You want to marry me?” Two slow blinks.

“Yes.”

“So, I can get custody of Seb?”

She’d caught the gist, now he was just wanting his answer. Not how he thought his first proposal would go, no wonder Rider sweated bullets every time he asked his Zara. And at the last count around the clubhouse Rider was batting 0 for 5.

Fuck. His pits began to sweat a little under his shirt, eyes tracking over her flawless face. She had her hair caught back in a pink tie-thingy today, he played with the ends draped over her shoulder. “Yes,” he answered finally, gruffness in his voice. Say yes, baby.

“I can’t let you do that, Asher. I mean, really. That might be the biggest, sweetest nicest, thing anyone has ever offered me, and you’ve been amazing this week, so it’s really sweet------”

“It has nothing to do with sweetness. I’m not that man.”

“We’re not even----I mean, we’re not like-----”

He laughed lightly. “Yeah, we are. We were a thing the moment your eyes met mine and we got on the same page, beautiful. Do you doubt it?”

She answered instantly, her eyes dipping away from his. “No. But this is huge, fucking life changing huge. Marriage isn’t the same as fixing a car for someone.”

She was incredibly cute. And the ring he’d had in his jeans pocket was burning a fucking hole for the last two days. He fished it out and held it up, the couple diamonds catching in the sunlight streaming in from the big window.

“Yep. I got that, baby. It’s a commitment I want to take.” He knew he should say something fucking romantic, talk about love and life and forever. He was a dumbass, and proof he sucked at offering a woman more than a night together. “This will help get the kid. We’ll fix up the room upstairs for him, let the CPS see we have a home here for him.”

“You want me to move in?” Her voice squeaked, she seemed more surprised about that than the ring she was gazing at.

“It’s kinda a package deal. Marriage and living together might be weird as fuck if we live apart.” Lips twitched. “What do you say?”

“It’s for Seb? Like a convenience thing?”

And for us. For me. “Yeah, beautiful. The boy needs some good in his short life, you’re the good he needs. I want to help you.”

“Oh…” She chewed on her lip, looked at him, looked at the ring, her eyes came back up and held his “Maybe after everything was settled we could just get a quickie divorce? I mean then you're not stuck with this for like forever...” Either her declaration or the way her butt shifted slightly to the left on his lap had his brain fucking exploding. He swallowed his immediate fuck no. He wanted Ruby. With every fucked-up part of himself, he wanted her, but she had to want him back, he wouldn’t force it on her, she’d come to that conclusion or she wouldn’t. Either way, he’d help her with the kid. He was already invested in Seb.

“If that’s what you want. So, it’s a yes?”

“Are you sure?” Another ass-wriggle, he clamped his free arm around her waist, or his cock would tunnel out of his pants and do the persuading for him.

“I’m the one holding a diamond, beautiful.”

“It’s gorgeous.” She smiled and touched a fingertip to it, gliding it over the glass and white gold band. Before she could say no he slid it on her finger. Perfect fit. There was no amount of noise in Preacher’s head, only this time it was the good kind, the nervous kind. His feet didn’t even itch to run.

This felt right. Even though he was fucking it up, doing it for another reason, wanting to marry Ruby was just small details in the grand scheme of, he fucking wanted her, needed her, but bigger than that, he did want to help, he realized pretty damn quick that first time seeing the kid he’d do anything he could to see him living with Ruby.

That meant living with him, too.

Shit. He’d be living with a kid.

He’d be dad material.  Shane was laughing his ass off wherever he was.

Fuck. Fuck. Holy shit. If anything could make his brain blast apart for real it was the thought of being responsible for another human being, the man who had insisted no kids for him, ever, was turning his life upside to get a kid.

Those tables had not only turned, they’d flipped the hell over.

He found himself smiling. Really smiling, when he'd internally calmed down.

She was the reason. She was his reason. Leaning in he laid his lips on hers gently, felt hers tremble, he stroked the back of her neck, holding her firm and gentle, as he knew she would, she mewled against his mouth.

“I need a yes, Ruby.”

“Firstly. I’m not saying no, Asher,” she announced, a slight crack in her voice, her eyes had turned serious. “But before I give you an answer, you should know something. It’s not actually relevant to this situation, maybe, I don’t know. But in the face of full disclosure if we’re going to do this, I want to you to know, no secrets between us.”

Okay. Maybe he wouldn’t tell her of the men he’d killed before, but he could agree to that. It seemed a very marriage-thing to do. This adult shit was easy.

He smiled “Are you going to confess you’re really a man? Because I know my little darling, and she’s all pouty-female down there.” Ruby laughed, the first one he’d heard all week.

“If only.” Moving off his lap she sat at his side, her legs curled up under her butt. “Do you remember last year, that night at the bar, you held a door open for me, and I bit your head off?”

“I’m not likely to forget. I eye-fucked you all night.”

“I know.” Her smile was gentle. The dark circles under her eyes making her no less stunning to Preacher. He caught her hand, held it in his, brushed his thumb against her knuckle. “I did a little of my own. But what I want to tell you is the reason behind why I was such a bitch to you that night, why I was standoffish after that. Then you’ll know every part of me, dysfunctional family business and all. And then you can ask me again if you still want to marry me. To help me get Sebastian.” She rushed on to add.

Preacher frowned again. Suddenly the air had changed between them, it swirled cold and dark like he was missing a piece of a puzzle he didn’t know he was playing with and Ruby was about to reveal that piece. He didn't know where it came from because he didn't fear much, but he had the queasy sense he wanted to tell her not to say whatever it was, not to have it between them. He bit his tongue and let her go on. But she had to know first.

“Marrying me is all up to you, Ruby. Whatever you have to tell me, the offer is there, say yes now, and then tell me, it’s no reflection on what you have to share, I promise you that.”

“No. I.” She took the biggest gulp of air and that gesture had Preacher troubled. He remembered that night at the bar well, she had angry flames spitting out of her eyes, and she’d never been more appealing to him, even as she’d fired venom at him, he’d been confused by it since they’d hardly exchanged a word let alone a bad word, he’d put it down to his reputation. He was guessing looking at her now it had nothing to do with that at all. “I feel like I need to tell you first, then you can decide.”

“Okay, beautiful.” Watching her with unguarded anticipation he saw as shutters came down over her eyes, bare shoulders with the thin camisole straps stiffened, composing herself and she took a slow breath, let it out, and met his eyes.

This was going to be something he did not like hearing.

“About a week before that night I saw you … I was raped, Asher.”

It was strange how a single word, a relatively small word could pack such a devastating punch to Preacher’s midsection. Winded, every bit of air vacating his fucking torso, he could only gape at her as she stared back at him. But then----

“I think I was raped. I’m not even sure anymore.”

And like her tear ducts had restocked, one slipped out of the corner of her eye.

There was going to be worse things Preacher could envision, world disasters, atrocious deaths, vile terrorism, but in that slow sticky long minute of the words coming out of Ruby’s mouth and those same devastating words reaching his ears, registering the look of nausea and unhappiness in her features, he couldn’t think of a solitary event this miserable world had even witnessed that felt worse than this. His fingers clenched around hers.

Someone had hurt his tiny dancer.

Red hot anger began to boil in his sternum.

Somewhere in the back of his brain, in the part that wasn’t planning a brutal murder of hunting down an animal, dragging him to the club’s slaughterhouse and cutting his dick off, he counted the months between that week and right this very second. He counted the days, added up the weeks … all this fucking time … air shuddered through him, his fingers tightened on hers.

Foolish to ever think that it would be his PTSD that pushed Preacher over the edge of sanity, finally.

As he listened to Ruby recount her ordeal, he swallowed reflexively. Deep breath and regroup. Knowing someone had hurt her was what was going to put him over the motherfucking edge.